Douggy Bombs had to go down to Philly to beat the shit out of Paul Lo Duca, so he handed over to me the task of relating to you the latest in the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball category. Now we all know that Miller and Morgan are totally in love with the Boston Red Sox, but what would happen if the Red Sox's opponents that night also sharpened their pencils? This eternal conundrum that has the world puzzled shall be answered by the omniscient Pwnage of Morons team.
In the first inning
Jose Reyes leads off against Curt Schilling
Jon Miller: Stepping into the batter's box is...Jose Reyes...the all-star caliber shortstop for the New York Mets.
Jon Miller's dick, JonWang: BOYOYOING! Good start to the game already! Mr. Excitement...PENILE EXCITEMENT that is!!! OOO diggity giggity wiggity!
Jon Miller: And on the mound...Curt Schilling. The 40 year old veteran.
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Curty's one of my favorites! Wait...I'm already armed and ready to go for Jose! Hey, JoeSchlong, are you having this same problem?
JoeSchlong: I am, JonWang! We're going both ways, here!
Jon Miller: Here comes the pitch from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh boy, what do I do?
(Reyes fouls it back)
Jon Miller: And fouled back by Reyes.
JonWang: Ohhh! I don't know if I can take a whole game of this!
JoeSchlong: Well, I had fun with both Ortiz AND Papelbon this one time and-
JonWang: You had fun with Papelbon?!
JoeSchlong: Oh shit...
JonWang: I can't believe you'd betray me like that!!!
JoeSclong: But it's not my fault, BLOWell (Mike Lowell's dick) was off doing the Green Monster! I needed something!
JonWang: I guess I can understand that. We can share.
Jon Miller: Here's the 0-1 dealing from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh the suspence, what could happen?!
(Reyes bloops one into rightcenter field)
Jon Miller: And Reyes drives one into rightcenter, Coco Crisp will not get there...this ball will roll into the triangle! Reyes is already rounding second and he'll get to third easily! A leadoff triple by Jose Reyes!!!
JonWang: I'm so sorry, Curty, but Jose beat you to it...(does his thing, which is just too revoltingly gross for this blog)
JoeSchlong: I'm with JonWang, Curt. You'll have to earn your chance...(emulates JonWang)
Joe Morgan: Now, you see what happened there. Jose Reyes is just incredible. That's all that you can say.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) A man who played 20 years in the big leagues watches a guy bloop one to rightcenter that gets misplayed and all he can say is that the guy who bloops one to rightcenter that gets misplayed is incredible? (out loud) Why is that so incredible, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, it's because...oh no, it's you! Dave Concepcion! Pedro Borbon!
Jon Miller: Get him a medic!!! Hey...don't I know you from someplace?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Shit...he remembers me. Oh wait, he's senile. He doesn't really remember me. But just to make sure, I know what I'll do. (out loud) Hey, look! Jose is adjusting his cup!
Jon Miller: WHERE?! WHERE?!
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Boy am I getting a lot of action tonight!
Joe Morgan: Davey Lopes!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: He was never even on the Big Red Machine.
Joe Morgan: Jose Reyes! Balls! In my mouth!
(Medic arrives, suppresses Joe's senile anxiety attack)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ohhhhh, boy...as if the semen stains on his pants he gets during telecasts weren't enough to prove he has a thing for Mr. Reyes
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Jack Bauer's 2007 Draft Reactions
Wow, what a night. Several big trades and a lot of stuff to talk about.
1. Sonics trade Ray Allen to the Celtics for Delonte West, Wally Szczerbiak and Jeff Green (who Boston selected with the No. 5 pick). The Celtics also received Seattle’s 35th pick (Glen Davis).
Jack Bauer's thoughts: This isn't the same Ray Allen who starred as Jesus Shuttlesworth in the Spike Lee movie "He Got Game." It really is a bad move for Boston unless there is a KG trade brewing for Jefferson, Ratliff, and change. Either way, the Celtics gave up the 5th overall pick in one of the strongest drafts for a guy that is about to turn 32 years old.
Allen is a very good player who makes the Celtics much better right now. Still, this makes no sense for the Celtics long-term. Danny Ainge had a ton of pressure on him to add a star type player to appease Pierce and he caved. Boston was better off keeping the 5th pick and trading Pierce for rebuilding pieces because this roster isn't good enough to make noise in the playoffs right now.
The one good thing about this deal for Boston is Glen Davis. "Big Baby" is a very skilled bigman with soft hands (thats what she said), quick feet, and an excellent post game. He is a steal in the 2nd round and with his work ethic, could make a lot of teams regret passing on him.
2. Knicks trade Channing Frye (aka French Fry) along with Steve Francis to Portland for Zach Randolph, Dan Dickau, and Fred Jones.
*crickets*
*Jack Bauer sighs deeply*
Ok, maybe this trade isn't THAT bad. The Knicks easily win this trade based on talent. Anytime you add a power forward that can average around 24 ppg and over 10 rpg, it can't be a bad thing...can it?
Here's the problem, Randolph and Curry are essentially the same player. Both are very high skilled low post players. Both average over 3 turnovers per game. Neither player can't play a lick of defense. A frontcourt of Curry and Randolph is very scary for the opponent because of their great offensive skills. However, its equally scary for the Knicks on the defensive end. Both of them average under 1 bpg!
Isiah Thomas reasoned this morning on ESPN radio that the guards just need to keep their players in front of them. The problem with that is we don't have guards that can even do that!
The Knicks will be better this season. Hell, they should be a lock for the 8th seed in the playoffs at the very least (key word is should). Lets not forget, we were awful at the PF position last season. David Lee played very well off the bench but adding Zach is still a huge upgrade at the position. If this Zach/Eddy project fails as badly as the Marbury/Francis backcourt though, we are in big trouble.
Mr. Randolph will make over $13 million this upcoming season and he still has 4 years left on his contract (he'll make a disgusting $17.3 million in the final year of his contract).
The Knicks absolutely NEED to make the playoffs next season and they can't be swept in the first round. If the team performs well next season, then all of a sudden, we'll have the necessary pieces to make the big move (trading for a Kobe, or a KG, etc), which is most likely what Isiah is banking on.
Its a big risk. I'll give Isiah credit in that he has the balls to do something like this. Randolph will help in the rebounding department, but other than that, him and Curry don't complement each other at all. It will be interesting to say the least.
3. Charlotte Bobcats trade rights to PF Brandon Wright (8th overall pick) to Golden State for SG Jason Richardson and #36 pick Jermario Davidson.
Good trade for the Warriors. Richardson is a good player but he's not a franchise player (even though he's getting paid like one). On a sidenote, I just agreed with something that Screaming A. Smith said last night... forgive me.
The Warriors will have no problem replacing J-Rich's production. They have plenty of quality guards to pick up the slack like Monta Ellis, Mickael Pietrus, Stephen Jackson, and of course, Baron Davis.
In the process, they get a top-notch prospect in Wright. I do get the feeling that Wright won't play a game for Golden State though. Golden State also got a $10 million trade exemption in this trade. Consequently, the Warriors are reportedly trying to enter the Kevin Garnett sweepstakes. If they can't get Garnett, expect them to chase Yi Jianlian who might try to force his way out of Milwaukee (more on that later).
As far as the Bobcats go, you know Michael Jordan is back in an NBA front office after seeing a bad trade like this. Welcome back Michael!
Note: The bastard deserves that cheap shot after what he did to Ewing and the Knicks during the 90s.
4. Blazers clean up on talent
The Portland Trailblazers were unquestionably the big winners on Thursday night. Not only did they draft a guy in Oden who will help them win championships, but they essentially gave him a solid supporting cast for the future through this draft alone.
With owner Paul Allen to back them up financially, the Blazers took advantage by purchasing draft picks and selecting talented prospects (why the Knicks don't do this puzzles me).
The Blazers first bought the 24th overall pick in the draft from the cheap Phoenix Suns (who always sell picks). The pick there was guard Rudy Fernandez, a high-IQ baseketball player that can shoot, move well without the basketball, and get above the rim. Portland will likely keep him overseas for a year before they bring him to the States.
The Blazers were then able to trade #42 pick Derrick Byars along with cash to Philly for #30 pick Petteri Koponen, a classic pass-first point guard from Finland who has great court vision and loads of potential. Like Fernandez, Koponen likely will play overseas next season.
With the #37th pick in the draft, Portland got a steal in former Duke player Josh McRoberts. I'm not too high on McRoberts because of his inability to be "the man" on a team, however, getting him in the 2nd round is great value.
Portland wasn't done though, with the 52nd pick in the draft, they took point guard Taurean Green from Florida. Can't really go wrong with drafting a PG that led his team to back to back NCAA titles in the 2nd round. A very good pick again for the Blazers.
5. Milwaukee takes Yi Jianlian with the 6th overall pick
And with the 6th pick in the draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select..... Yi Jianlian... *insert David Stern's "What the fuck is this team doing?" face*
One of the big stories leading up to this draft was how the Chinese government wanted Yi to be drafted by a team with a big market. From a business standpoint, several owners were pushing their GMs to trade into the top 10 to have a shot at Yi.
So when the Bucks took Yi despite everyone from his camp making it very clear that he did not want to go there, it made for hilarious comedy.
There is talk already that Yi's camp is trying to get the Bucks to trade him....classic. First, they ruin the 6th season of 24 (don't worry kids, Jack will be back and better than ever next season), and now they are trying to screw over the Bucks.
If Yi gets his way, this is where the Warriors could potentially come in with Brandon Wright and try to get a deal done.
And there you have it. Some of Jack Bauer's reactions about the 2007 NBA draft. Look out for my next article which will be about the Knicks' two new rookies (Wilson Chandler and Demetris Nichols).
1. Sonics trade Ray Allen to the Celtics for Delonte West, Wally Szczerbiak and Jeff Green (who Boston selected with the No. 5 pick). The Celtics also received Seattle’s 35th pick (Glen Davis).
Jack Bauer's thoughts: This isn't the same Ray Allen who starred as Jesus Shuttlesworth in the Spike Lee movie "He Got Game." It really is a bad move for Boston unless there is a KG trade brewing for Jefferson, Ratliff, and change. Either way, the Celtics gave up the 5th overall pick in one of the strongest drafts for a guy that is about to turn 32 years old.
Allen is a very good player who makes the Celtics much better right now. Still, this makes no sense for the Celtics long-term. Danny Ainge had a ton of pressure on him to add a star type player to appease Pierce and he caved. Boston was better off keeping the 5th pick and trading Pierce for rebuilding pieces because this roster isn't good enough to make noise in the playoffs right now.
The one good thing about this deal for Boston is Glen Davis. "Big Baby" is a very skilled bigman with soft hands (thats what she said), quick feet, and an excellent post game. He is a steal in the 2nd round and with his work ethic, could make a lot of teams regret passing on him.
2. Knicks trade Channing Frye (aka French Fry) along with Steve Francis to Portland for Zach Randolph, Dan Dickau, and Fred Jones.
*crickets*
*Jack Bauer sighs deeply*
Ok, maybe this trade isn't THAT bad. The Knicks easily win this trade based on talent. Anytime you add a power forward that can average around 24 ppg and over 10 rpg, it can't be a bad thing...can it?
Here's the problem, Randolph and Curry are essentially the same player. Both are very high skilled low post players. Both average over 3 turnovers per game. Neither player can't play a lick of defense. A frontcourt of Curry and Randolph is very scary for the opponent because of their great offensive skills. However, its equally scary for the Knicks on the defensive end. Both of them average under 1 bpg!
Isiah Thomas reasoned this morning on ESPN radio that the guards just need to keep their players in front of them. The problem with that is we don't have guards that can even do that!
The Knicks will be better this season. Hell, they should be a lock for the 8th seed in the playoffs at the very least (key word is should). Lets not forget, we were awful at the PF position last season. David Lee played very well off the bench but adding Zach is still a huge upgrade at the position. If this Zach/Eddy project fails as badly as the Marbury/Francis backcourt though, we are in big trouble.
Mr. Randolph will make over $13 million this upcoming season and he still has 4 years left on his contract (he'll make a disgusting $17.3 million in the final year of his contract).
The Knicks absolutely NEED to make the playoffs next season and they can't be swept in the first round. If the team performs well next season, then all of a sudden, we'll have the necessary pieces to make the big move (trading for a Kobe, or a KG, etc), which is most likely what Isiah is banking on.
Its a big risk. I'll give Isiah credit in that he has the balls to do something like this. Randolph will help in the rebounding department, but other than that, him and Curry don't complement each other at all. It will be interesting to say the least.
3. Charlotte Bobcats trade rights to PF Brandon Wright (8th overall pick) to Golden State for SG Jason Richardson and #36 pick Jermario Davidson.
Good trade for the Warriors. Richardson is a good player but he's not a franchise player (even though he's getting paid like one). On a sidenote, I just agreed with something that Screaming A. Smith said last night... forgive me.
The Warriors will have no problem replacing J-Rich's production. They have plenty of quality guards to pick up the slack like Monta Ellis, Mickael Pietrus, Stephen Jackson, and of course, Baron Davis.
In the process, they get a top-notch prospect in Wright. I do get the feeling that Wright won't play a game for Golden State though. Golden State also got a $10 million trade exemption in this trade. Consequently, the Warriors are reportedly trying to enter the Kevin Garnett sweepstakes. If they can't get Garnett, expect them to chase Yi Jianlian who might try to force his way out of Milwaukee (more on that later).
As far as the Bobcats go, you know Michael Jordan is back in an NBA front office after seeing a bad trade like this. Welcome back Michael!
Note: The bastard deserves that cheap shot after what he did to Ewing and the Knicks during the 90s.
4. Blazers clean up on talent
The Portland Trailblazers were unquestionably the big winners on Thursday night. Not only did they draft a guy in Oden who will help them win championships, but they essentially gave him a solid supporting cast for the future through this draft alone.
With owner Paul Allen to back them up financially, the Blazers took advantage by purchasing draft picks and selecting talented prospects (why the Knicks don't do this puzzles me).
The Blazers first bought the 24th overall pick in the draft from the cheap Phoenix Suns (who always sell picks). The pick there was guard Rudy Fernandez, a high-IQ baseketball player that can shoot, move well without the basketball, and get above the rim. Portland will likely keep him overseas for a year before they bring him to the States.
The Blazers were then able to trade #42 pick Derrick Byars along with cash to Philly for #30 pick Petteri Koponen, a classic pass-first point guard from Finland who has great court vision and loads of potential. Like Fernandez, Koponen likely will play overseas next season.
With the #37th pick in the draft, Portland got a steal in former Duke player Josh McRoberts. I'm not too high on McRoberts because of his inability to be "the man" on a team, however, getting him in the 2nd round is great value.
Portland wasn't done though, with the 52nd pick in the draft, they took point guard Taurean Green from Florida. Can't really go wrong with drafting a PG that led his team to back to back NCAA titles in the 2nd round. A very good pick again for the Blazers.
5. Milwaukee takes Yi Jianlian with the 6th overall pick
And with the 6th pick in the draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select..... Yi Jianlian... *insert David Stern's "What the fuck is this team doing?" face*
One of the big stories leading up to this draft was how the Chinese government wanted Yi to be drafted by a team with a big market. From a business standpoint, several owners were pushing their GMs to trade into the top 10 to have a shot at Yi.
So when the Bucks took Yi despite everyone from his camp making it very clear that he did not want to go there, it made for hilarious comedy.
There is talk already that Yi's camp is trying to get the Bucks to trade him....classic. First, they ruin the 6th season of 24 (don't worry kids, Jack will be back and better than ever next season), and now they are trying to screw over the Bucks.
If Yi gets his way, this is where the Warriors could potentially come in with Brandon Wright and try to get a deal done.
And there you have it. Some of Jack Bauer's reactions about the 2007 NBA draft. Look out for my next article which will be about the Knicks' two new rookies (Wilson Chandler and Demetris Nichols).
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The NBA Draft Drinking Game
Yes, its that time of the year kids. The NBA Draft is here and Kevin Garnett rumors are flying all over the place. Will he end up in Phoenix? Boston? Los Angeles? Or dare I say, NY? Yes, there is a crazy rumor out there circulating that the Knicks are involved in a three-way trade with both Minnesota and Boston. The trade would bring Garnett and several of his high-paid teammates to New York while the Knicks would essentially ship out almost every player to the Timberwolves and the Celtics (while keeping Eddy Curry). This proposed trade makes no sense though and honestly, I just don't see any truth to it.
If Garnett is traded tonight, the Suns and Celtics are still the heavy favorites.
But enough talk about Garnett.
The only two sure things about tonight's draft are Oden and Durant going 1 and 2 (in that order). After that, anything can happen.
Unfortunately, that might not be such a good thing for Knicks fans (see McDyess trade - 2002 NBA draft).
To be fair to Isiah Thomas, drafting is the one thing he does well...real well. So I'm not taking any shots at his drafting ability.
However, the draft is still a good reminder about what happened during the season. Guys like Mark Anthony and Greg Anthony will remind us how far away the Knicks are from competing, etc.
That is why I have proposed a drinking game for this year's draft. So that us Knick fans will be happy either way. If/when any of the follow things happen, grab a cold beer from the fridge and enjoy.
1. Someone comments about how Greg Oden looks like he is 40 years old.
Bonus: If there is a Dikembe Mutombo reference, treat yourself to 2 beers instead.
2. Jay Bilas tells us how Joakim Noah's unorthodox jumpshot makes Shawn Marion's shot look like Ricky Barry's.
Note: Bilas made this joke yesterday on ESPN News. He then made the joke again during the ESPN draft preview last night. Here's to hoping he does it again, causing Stephen A. Smith to get out of his seat and yell at Jay "YOU ALREADY MADE THAT JOKE! STEPHEN A. SMITH DOESN'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE MAKE THE SAME JOKE MULTIPLE TIMES!"
3. The Hawks draft another SF in this draft.
The Hawks are most likely going with Al Horford at pick 3 (with a small chance that ownership gets them to draft Yi Jianlian instead). That will end up being a big mistake. Horford might develop into a very good NBA player. However, the Hawks need a PG and Conley is the best PG prospect I've seen since Chris Paul.
If the Hawks somehow decide to draft another SF though, that would just be downright hilarious.
4. A "Fire Layden" or "Fire Isiah" chant erupts.
Note: If Knicks fans boo whoever Isiah selects with the team's pick, then that would also apply here.
5. Stephen A. Smith talks about any particular team needing to draft a "dawg."
Bonus: If the team Stephen is talking about is the Knicks, make that 2 beers since it would be 2 years in a row.
6. David Stern opens the draft envelope only to give the camera his "What the fuck is this team thinking?" look.
Bonus: If its the Knicks, only half a beer since we've seen David give us that look many times over the years.
7. Garnett is traded.
Bonus: If he is traded to a contender, drink 2 beers because the guy has been one of the class acts of the league and deserves a chance to play on a good team for once.
8. Kobe is traded.
Not going to happen but would make this night even more interesting.
9. We get to see Stephen A. Smith eat a cheese doodle.
No explanation needed, just watch the video. Instant classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAB5lOIl-2U
10. Some international player that looks like Ivan Drago (from Rocky IV) is drafted.
Thats all for now folks. Enjoy the draft tonight and look out for Jack Bauer's draft reactions article.
Note: Please drink in moderation. Pwnage of Morons doesn't condone getting drunk....ok maybe thats a lie. Either way, don't drink and drive. Be a smart drinker.
If Garnett is traded tonight, the Suns and Celtics are still the heavy favorites.
But enough talk about Garnett.
The only two sure things about tonight's draft are Oden and Durant going 1 and 2 (in that order). After that, anything can happen.
Unfortunately, that might not be such a good thing for Knicks fans (see McDyess trade - 2002 NBA draft).
To be fair to Isiah Thomas, drafting is the one thing he does well...real well. So I'm not taking any shots at his drafting ability.
However, the draft is still a good reminder about what happened during the season. Guys like Mark Anthony and Greg Anthony will remind us how far away the Knicks are from competing, etc.
That is why I have proposed a drinking game for this year's draft. So that us Knick fans will be happy either way. If/when any of the follow things happen, grab a cold beer from the fridge and enjoy.
1. Someone comments about how Greg Oden looks like he is 40 years old.
Bonus: If there is a Dikembe Mutombo reference, treat yourself to 2 beers instead.
2. Jay Bilas tells us how Joakim Noah's unorthodox jumpshot makes Shawn Marion's shot look like Ricky Barry's.
Note: Bilas made this joke yesterday on ESPN News. He then made the joke again during the ESPN draft preview last night. Here's to hoping he does it again, causing Stephen A. Smith to get out of his seat and yell at Jay "YOU ALREADY MADE THAT JOKE! STEPHEN A. SMITH DOESN'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE MAKE THE SAME JOKE MULTIPLE TIMES!"
3. The Hawks draft another SF in this draft.
The Hawks are most likely going with Al Horford at pick 3 (with a small chance that ownership gets them to draft Yi Jianlian instead). That will end up being a big mistake. Horford might develop into a very good NBA player. However, the Hawks need a PG and Conley is the best PG prospect I've seen since Chris Paul.
If the Hawks somehow decide to draft another SF though, that would just be downright hilarious.
4. A "Fire Layden" or "Fire Isiah" chant erupts.
Note: If Knicks fans boo whoever Isiah selects with the team's pick, then that would also apply here.
5. Stephen A. Smith talks about any particular team needing to draft a "dawg."
Bonus: If the team Stephen is talking about is the Knicks, make that 2 beers since it would be 2 years in a row.
6. David Stern opens the draft envelope only to give the camera his "What the fuck is this team thinking?" look.
Bonus: If its the Knicks, only half a beer since we've seen David give us that look many times over the years.
7. Garnett is traded.
Bonus: If he is traded to a contender, drink 2 beers because the guy has been one of the class acts of the league and deserves a chance to play on a good team for once.
8. Kobe is traded.
Not going to happen but would make this night even more interesting.
9. We get to see Stephen A. Smith eat a cheese doodle.
No explanation needed, just watch the video. Instant classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAB5lOIl-2U
10. Some international player that looks like Ivan Drago (from Rocky IV) is drafted.
Thats all for now folks. Enjoy the draft tonight and look out for Jack Bauer's draft reactions article.
Note: Please drink in moderation. Pwnage of Morons doesn't condone getting drunk....ok maybe thats a lie. Either way, don't drink and drive. Be a smart drinker.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Joe Torre's thinking in the dugout
B.A. recently invented a brain reader, sucka! I know what you thinkin'! I like Big Brotha, foo!
So yeah, I used it on Joe Torre, and here's the input that the mind reader received:
Alright, Pettitte’s done for the night. Who do I go to? Um, Mariano? No, he only comes in for save situations which happen once every lunar eclipse. I don’t get why a 37 year old closer has issues when he doesn’t pitch for 3 weeks. Alright, um, Proctor? Yeah, no question. I haven’t finished destroying his arm yet. And I’ve only brought him into 39 games so far this year. That’s just not enough. No question. I need to work him more often if I want him in triple digit appearances by the end of the year. Though he has issues with location sometimes because his arm’s as dead as Mike Lowell’s schlong from over-pleasuring the Green Monster (yes, Mientkiewicz told me about that). After him, let’s see. Myers? Yeah, no question. He’s a great LOOGY (lefty one out guy), despite location problems, no question. He always gets the lefty I bring him in to face out, especially Ortiz, with his location. Alright, who else? Paul Quantrill? Yeah, that sounds like a good guy to bring in after Myers with his good location. No question. Then we’ll go to Scott Proctor. Then Kyle Farnsworth, then Graeme Lloyd, he has good location, then Mike Stanton, no question, then Jay Witasick, then Scott Proctor, great location, then Luis Vizcaino, good location, no question, then Dennis Eckersley, no question, then Lee Smith, then Scott Proctor, no question, location, Scott Proctor, no question, no question, good location, Scott Proctor…
I turned it off at that point. I'd read enough to determine how Joe Torre's mind operates on a plane not even Einstein could ever fathom being within the same vertical vicinity of. Brilliant man, I gotta say.
So yeah, I used it on Joe Torre, and here's the input that the mind reader received:
Alright, Pettitte’s done for the night. Who do I go to? Um, Mariano? No, he only comes in for save situations which happen once every lunar eclipse. I don’t get why a 37 year old closer has issues when he doesn’t pitch for 3 weeks. Alright, um, Proctor? Yeah, no question. I haven’t finished destroying his arm yet. And I’ve only brought him into 39 games so far this year. That’s just not enough. No question. I need to work him more often if I want him in triple digit appearances by the end of the year. Though he has issues with location sometimes because his arm’s as dead as Mike Lowell’s schlong from over-pleasuring the Green Monster (yes, Mientkiewicz told me about that). After him, let’s see. Myers? Yeah, no question. He’s a great LOOGY (lefty one out guy), despite location problems, no question. He always gets the lefty I bring him in to face out, especially Ortiz, with his location. Alright, who else? Paul Quantrill? Yeah, that sounds like a good guy to bring in after Myers with his good location. No question. Then we’ll go to Scott Proctor. Then Kyle Farnsworth, then Graeme Lloyd, he has good location, then Mike Stanton, no question, then Jay Witasick, then Scott Proctor, great location, then Luis Vizcaino, good location, no question, then Dennis Eckersley, no question, then Lee Smith, then Scott Proctor, no question, location, Scott Proctor, no question, no question, good location, Scott Proctor…
I turned it off at that point. I'd read enough to determine how Joe Torre's mind operates on a plane not even Einstein could ever fathom being within the same vertical vicinity of. Brilliant man, I gotta say.
Friday, June 22, 2007
SNY Broadcast
Douggy Bombs will soon bring you a report regarding the latest broadcast of Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, so B.A. figured he’d bring you the latest gems from Mets broadcasting great Gary Cohen alongside Keith Hernandez:
Gary Cohen: And here’s Jose Reyes to lead off the game. Boy, I tell ya, this kid adds so much excitement to a game. He’s so much fun to watch. I mean, aren’t you excited watching him? Look at him! He’s wiggling the bat!!! Even his batting stance is exciting!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back (to himself): This dumbass said the same thing about Timo Perez. Ugh, come on, man. Try your best not to go apeshit on him.
Gary Cohen: And Reyes drives one in the air deep down the right field line!!! Abreu will look up and it’s OUTTA HEEERRREE!!!! JOSE REYES GOES DEEP OFF ROGER CLEMENS!!! OH MY GOD!!! What an amazing piece of hitting!
Keith Hernandez: That’s purely a mistake on Clemens’ part. Look at where Posada set up for this pitch, and now look where it ended up. Every hitter loves a hanging curveball and a major league hitter will kill you on it every time.
Gary Cohen: That’s a huuuuge hit by Reyes. This kid can do everything!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back (to himself): Ohhhh man would I like to hang both Reyes and Cohen by their tiny dicks using crucifixion sized nails…
Keith Hernandez: For Reyes, that’s his first extra-base hit since his last misplayed single that turned into a triple 6 weeks ago, and his first home run in two months.
Gary Cohen: And up steps ARod, and Perez deals. Swung on and hit in the air to left center, Beltran will look up…and it’s outta here…
Keith Hernandez: Holy Cow! Alex Rodriguez drilled that pitch for a loooonngg 3 run homer. Did you see where that landed?!
Gary Cohen: Yeah, decent shot…
Keith Hernandez: That ball went well into the left centerfield bleachers! That’s about 500 feet away!
Gary Cohen: I know…I just saw it myself. (irritable tone) Not quite as far as Reyes’s shot but it was decent.
Keith Hernandez: Um, Reyes’s shot scraped the back of the wall by the 314 ft sign.
Gary Cohen: I DON’T CARE! I LOVED IT! IT WAS AMAZING AND EXCITING!!!
Keith Hernandez: Woah, easy there, Gary…wait, why are you still watching replays of Reyes’s homer? That was 5 innings ago and he’s not due up for another…wait a minute…Oh my God, is that a boner??!! You get a hard-on by watching Jose Reyes hit a 315 foot solo home run off a hanging curveball?!
Gary Cohen: YES!!! I CONFESS!!! I can’t help it!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Gary Cohen: WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT??? FIRE HIM!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Fire me? HA as ARod would say. You’re the one who should be fired. I’m not the one waxing my carrot to Mets highlights during a telecast…(to himself) Fuck abstaining from pwnage! Nothing beats pwning morons!
(Gary Cohen starts crying)
Keith Hernandez: Awwwww, Gary…if I get you into the locker room so you can suck Reyes off, will that make you feel better?
Gary Cohen: (tears stop falling and eyes light up, starts jumping up and down like a little kid) YES! YES!
Keith Hernandez: Yeah, I hear Morgan gets Miller into the locker room to shower with Papelbon, so I figure it wouldn’t be too hard to give you a chance to blow Reyes. (to himself) Just as long as he doesn’t start blowing me…I mean, I like getting sucked off by people…I’m Keith Hernandez…I’m God…but this guy takes it to another level. I didn’t think I’d be the owner of a dick after he was through blowing me last time.)
And this was a relatively mellow night for Gary…
Gary Cohen: And here’s Jose Reyes to lead off the game. Boy, I tell ya, this kid adds so much excitement to a game. He’s so much fun to watch. I mean, aren’t you excited watching him? Look at him! He’s wiggling the bat!!! Even his batting stance is exciting!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back (to himself): This dumbass said the same thing about Timo Perez. Ugh, come on, man. Try your best not to go apeshit on him.
Gary Cohen: And Reyes drives one in the air deep down the right field line!!! Abreu will look up and it’s OUTTA HEEERRREE!!!! JOSE REYES GOES DEEP OFF ROGER CLEMENS!!! OH MY GOD!!! What an amazing piece of hitting!
Keith Hernandez: That’s purely a mistake on Clemens’ part. Look at where Posada set up for this pitch, and now look where it ended up. Every hitter loves a hanging curveball and a major league hitter will kill you on it every time.
Gary Cohen: That’s a huuuuge hit by Reyes. This kid can do everything!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back (to himself): Ohhhh man would I like to hang both Reyes and Cohen by their tiny dicks using crucifixion sized nails…
Keith Hernandez: For Reyes, that’s his first extra-base hit since his last misplayed single that turned into a triple 6 weeks ago, and his first home run in two months.
Gary Cohen: And up steps ARod, and Perez deals. Swung on and hit in the air to left center, Beltran will look up…and it’s outta here…
Keith Hernandez: Holy Cow! Alex Rodriguez drilled that pitch for a loooonngg 3 run homer. Did you see where that landed?!
Gary Cohen: Yeah, decent shot…
Keith Hernandez: That ball went well into the left centerfield bleachers! That’s about 500 feet away!
Gary Cohen: I know…I just saw it myself. (irritable tone) Not quite as far as Reyes’s shot but it was decent.
Keith Hernandez: Um, Reyes’s shot scraped the back of the wall by the 314 ft sign.
Gary Cohen: I DON’T CARE! I LOVED IT! IT WAS AMAZING AND EXCITING!!!
Keith Hernandez: Woah, easy there, Gary…wait, why are you still watching replays of Reyes’s homer? That was 5 innings ago and he’s not due up for another…wait a minute…Oh my God, is that a boner??!! You get a hard-on by watching Jose Reyes hit a 315 foot solo home run off a hanging curveball?!
Gary Cohen: YES!!! I CONFESS!!! I can’t help it!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Gary Cohen: WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT??? FIRE HIM!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Fire me? HA as ARod would say. You’re the one who should be fired. I’m not the one waxing my carrot to Mets highlights during a telecast…(to himself) Fuck abstaining from pwnage! Nothing beats pwning morons!
(Gary Cohen starts crying)
Keith Hernandez: Awwwww, Gary…if I get you into the locker room so you can suck Reyes off, will that make you feel better?
Gary Cohen: (tears stop falling and eyes light up, starts jumping up and down like a little kid) YES! YES!
Keith Hernandez: Yeah, I hear Morgan gets Miller into the locker room to shower with Papelbon, so I figure it wouldn’t be too hard to give you a chance to blow Reyes. (to himself) Just as long as he doesn’t start blowing me…I mean, I like getting sucked off by people…I’m Keith Hernandez…I’m God…but this guy takes it to another level. I didn’t think I’d be the owner of a dick after he was through blowing me last time.)
And this was a relatively mellow night for Gary…
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Me llamo Sammy Sosa and Béisbol and estúpido analysts been bery bery good to me
Sammy Sosa has a diary that he keeps with his canister of “whey protein” and since I just happened to be in Arlington today with Hannibal and Face, hiding from that foo Decker, I stole it and read what he had to say. He was being pretty honest, reflecting on his career and commenting on the ESPN writers’ opinions as to whether or not he should be in the Hall of Fame. Here we go:
¡Hola! Estoy en la casa, puta. I want to thank all of dee bery bery nice people who love me even though I do pelotas-shrinking drugs to make me hit other pelota farther. ESPN analysts all love me, too! Listen to what dey have to say about me being Hall of Famer:
Jim Caple: Yes
At this point, it's hard to see me not voting for him, though I can't say I'm as enthusiastic about him as I have been about others. Not because of any steroid allegations but because his numbers were inflated by the era in which he played (unlike McGwire, who had his first monster year before the explosion in offense, when 49 home runs was still a lot).
I no understand what he saying but I read “Yes”, so that good enough for me!
Jerry Crasnick: No
If I had to vote on Sammy Sosa for the Hall of Fame at this very moment, I would say no. Sosa deserves to be in Cooperstown based on his numbers, but I'm applying the same argument to Sammy Sosa that I used for Mark McGwire. If Barry Bonds is neck deep in the steroid controversy and McGwire is waist deep, then Sosa is, at the very least, knee deep. I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of voting somebody in to Cooperstown, then finding out he engaged in some sort of transgression that would make me think twice. I want the Mitchell investigation and the surrounding uncertainty to play out before I commit to players with red flags. Maybe I'll feel differently when Sosa actually goes on the ballot, but right now my answer is no.
¡Maricon estúpido! I am Hall of Famer! I hit lots of dingdongs! And why anybody think I do steroids? I fool all those gringos when I pretend I can no speak Inglés that one time.
Tim Kurkjian: Yes
Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. There is no definitive proof about his alleged steroid involvement, so, in the absence of hard evidence, his numbers are what we go by, and they are of Cooperstown quality. He has the fifth most home runs in baseball history. From 1995 to 2004, Sosa hit 479 homers, the most at that time for any 10-year period of all time. He holds the NL record with six consecutive seasons of at least 40 home runs; only Babe Ruth, with seven, has a longer streak. There have been eight 60-home run seasons in history, and Sosa has three of them. Sosa hit more homers at Wrigley Field than Babe Ruth hit at Yankee Stadium. For a few years, he was the Cubs. In 2001, he had 160 RBIs, 94 more RBIs than anyone on his team, demolishing the record for largest disparity in RBIs between a team leader and the runner-up. He got caught with a corked bat and was exposed at the end of his time in Chicago for not being a good teammate. But sometimes, the numbers overwhelm all else. And that is the case with Sosa.
Oh what a country! I do steroids and everyone know it but no one can no say mierda cuz no one no see me do it! WEEEE!!! But hey! I not a bad teammate! I a good teammate! Everybody love Sammy!
Steve Phillips: Yes
Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. Slam dunk. There is no smoking gun with him. There is just guilt by association. Just because he kept pace with Mark McGwire in home runs in 1998 doesn't mean he should be seen the same way as McGwire. Sosa made a statement in front of the House Committee on Government Reform in which he declared he had never used illegal performance-enhancing substances while McGwire did not. There are no former teammates pointing fingers at Sosa like there are at McGwire. He has never failed a drug test. In fact, consider that Sosa did get busted for corking a bat during his playing days. Why would a player on steroids cork his bat? He wouldn't. Sammy Sosa is one of the most charismatic players to ever play the game during his prime. He will most likely end up with the fifth most career homers. He is a first-ballot Hall of Famer if there ever was one.
I love you Steve! You so smart! Since you make me feel good, I will do same. You are great analyst by measuring player charisma (I no understand what that is…oh what you say Mark? Ah, ¡gracias! He saying charisma is like retard (?) hops I take when I hit pelota long way. I agree! Only dee best do that!) And you were great GM too!
Oh well, it’s time for Sammy to cork his bat and shoot up with more drugs those no fun docs can no find in my peepee! ¡Hasta luego!
Oh man are some of these arguments retarded, particularly Phillips (though, honestly, would you expect anything less?). Thank you, Jerry Crasnick for saying you'd vote "No" for this cheating malcontent. Caple’s argument, while saying yes, is an unenthusiastic yes and isn’t outrageous. Sosa’s numbers whether you take steroids into consideration or not are definitely inflated, and his adjusted numbers show that:
Sammy Sosa (career)
128 OPS+
I’m not THAT impressed. Here are some guys (active and retired) with OPS+ numbers similar or better than Sosa:
Adam Dunn (128)
Edgar Martinez (147)
Bernie Williams (125)
Derek Jeter (123)
Don Mattingly (127)
Fred McGriff (134)
John Olerud (129)
The Hall of Fame will likely never vote these guys in with the exception of Derek Jeter. I know the Baseball Hall of Fame is not the SABR Hall of Fame, but I just want to point out that in reality, his overall career numbers are not staggering and he was only a dominant player for 5 years.
Tim Kurkjian, the fact that you are trying to entertain the erroneous notion that Sammy Sosa is even worthy of getting a whiff of a toilet Babe Ruth dropped a massive frankfurter shit in just means you are a total moron. I will be on the lookout for more articles of yours because I look forward to pwning you and ripping you several new assholes in the nearby future.
Steve Phillips, your analysis never fails to induce milk-out-my-nostrils laughter.
Sammy Sosa (career)
257 CHMA+ (adjusted charisma)
Yup, he’s a Hall of Famer. Adjusted Charisma says so. Go try and ruin another franchise, you idiot.
SHIT! HANNIBAL!!! FACE!!! Decker’s here! Move it, foos!
Late addition: As Sammy himself mentioned, he pretended he didn't speak English when he testified, and Phillips totally leaves that part out. Also, lots of players have never tested positive, but you know they were on something because when testing came along they went into the toilet statistically. Giambi, Sosa, Lowell (and yes, I really do think he was on something, look at the hilarious dropoff he had in 2005) and others. And not to mention several people (Giambi, Sosa and McGwire particularly) at one point were huge physically and then at another point later on became or still are shadows of their former overly bulked-up selves.
"But he never tested positive!"
List of stupid statements that this belongs to be on:
"He's not a killer! OJ Simpson was never convicted of murder!"
"N*Sync doesn't suck! They sold millions of records!"
"My son's not an incompetent idiot that sucks at life that should cut his hippy suburban white boy afro hair, stop smoking weed incessantly, and shoot himself in his vagina! He goes to an Ivy League school!"
¡Hola! Estoy en la casa, puta. I want to thank all of dee bery bery nice people who love me even though I do pelotas-shrinking drugs to make me hit other pelota farther. ESPN analysts all love me, too! Listen to what dey have to say about me being Hall of Famer:
Jim Caple: Yes
At this point, it's hard to see me not voting for him, though I can't say I'm as enthusiastic about him as I have been about others. Not because of any steroid allegations but because his numbers were inflated by the era in which he played (unlike McGwire, who had his first monster year before the explosion in offense, when 49 home runs was still a lot).
I no understand what he saying but I read “Yes”, so that good enough for me!
Jerry Crasnick: No
If I had to vote on Sammy Sosa for the Hall of Fame at this very moment, I would say no. Sosa deserves to be in Cooperstown based on his numbers, but I'm applying the same argument to Sammy Sosa that I used for Mark McGwire. If Barry Bonds is neck deep in the steroid controversy and McGwire is waist deep, then Sosa is, at the very least, knee deep. I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of voting somebody in to Cooperstown, then finding out he engaged in some sort of transgression that would make me think twice. I want the Mitchell investigation and the surrounding uncertainty to play out before I commit to players with red flags. Maybe I'll feel differently when Sosa actually goes on the ballot, but right now my answer is no.
¡Maricon estúpido! I am Hall of Famer! I hit lots of dingdongs! And why anybody think I do steroids? I fool all those gringos when I pretend I can no speak Inglés that one time.
Tim Kurkjian: Yes
Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. There is no definitive proof about his alleged steroid involvement, so, in the absence of hard evidence, his numbers are what we go by, and they are of Cooperstown quality. He has the fifth most home runs in baseball history. From 1995 to 2004, Sosa hit 479 homers, the most at that time for any 10-year period of all time. He holds the NL record with six consecutive seasons of at least 40 home runs; only Babe Ruth, with seven, has a longer streak. There have been eight 60-home run seasons in history, and Sosa has three of them. Sosa hit more homers at Wrigley Field than Babe Ruth hit at Yankee Stadium. For a few years, he was the Cubs. In 2001, he had 160 RBIs, 94 more RBIs than anyone on his team, demolishing the record for largest disparity in RBIs between a team leader and the runner-up. He got caught with a corked bat and was exposed at the end of his time in Chicago for not being a good teammate. But sometimes, the numbers overwhelm all else. And that is the case with Sosa.
Oh what a country! I do steroids and everyone know it but no one can no say mierda cuz no one no see me do it! WEEEE!!! But hey! I not a bad teammate! I a good teammate! Everybody love Sammy!
Steve Phillips: Yes
Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. Slam dunk. There is no smoking gun with him. There is just guilt by association. Just because he kept pace with Mark McGwire in home runs in 1998 doesn't mean he should be seen the same way as McGwire. Sosa made a statement in front of the House Committee on Government Reform in which he declared he had never used illegal performance-enhancing substances while McGwire did not. There are no former teammates pointing fingers at Sosa like there are at McGwire. He has never failed a drug test. In fact, consider that Sosa did get busted for corking a bat during his playing days. Why would a player on steroids cork his bat? He wouldn't. Sammy Sosa is one of the most charismatic players to ever play the game during his prime. He will most likely end up with the fifth most career homers. He is a first-ballot Hall of Famer if there ever was one.
I love you Steve! You so smart! Since you make me feel good, I will do same. You are great analyst by measuring player charisma (I no understand what that is…oh what you say Mark? Ah, ¡gracias! He saying charisma is like retard (?) hops I take when I hit pelota long way. I agree! Only dee best do that!) And you were great GM too!
Oh well, it’s time for Sammy to cork his bat and shoot up with more drugs those no fun docs can no find in my peepee! ¡Hasta luego!
Oh man are some of these arguments retarded, particularly Phillips (though, honestly, would you expect anything less?). Thank you, Jerry Crasnick for saying you'd vote "No" for this cheating malcontent. Caple’s argument, while saying yes, is an unenthusiastic yes and isn’t outrageous. Sosa’s numbers whether you take steroids into consideration or not are definitely inflated, and his adjusted numbers show that:
Sammy Sosa (career)
128 OPS+
I’m not THAT impressed. Here are some guys (active and retired) with OPS+ numbers similar or better than Sosa:
Adam Dunn (128)
Edgar Martinez (147)
Bernie Williams (125)
Derek Jeter (123)
Don Mattingly (127)
Fred McGriff (134)
John Olerud (129)
The Hall of Fame will likely never vote these guys in with the exception of Derek Jeter. I know the Baseball Hall of Fame is not the SABR Hall of Fame, but I just want to point out that in reality, his overall career numbers are not staggering and he was only a dominant player for 5 years.
Tim Kurkjian, the fact that you are trying to entertain the erroneous notion that Sammy Sosa is even worthy of getting a whiff of a toilet Babe Ruth dropped a massive frankfurter shit in just means you are a total moron. I will be on the lookout for more articles of yours because I look forward to pwning you and ripping you several new assholes in the nearby future.
Steve Phillips, your analysis never fails to induce milk-out-my-nostrils laughter.
Sammy Sosa (career)
257 CHMA+ (adjusted charisma)
Yup, he’s a Hall of Famer. Adjusted Charisma says so. Go try and ruin another franchise, you idiot.
SHIT! HANNIBAL!!! FACE!!! Decker’s here! Move it, foos!
Late addition: As Sammy himself mentioned, he pretended he didn't speak English when he testified, and Phillips totally leaves that part out. Also, lots of players have never tested positive, but you know they were on something because when testing came along they went into the toilet statistically. Giambi, Sosa, Lowell (and yes, I really do think he was on something, look at the hilarious dropoff he had in 2005) and others. And not to mention several people (Giambi, Sosa and McGwire particularly) at one point were huge physically and then at another point later on became or still are shadows of their former overly bulked-up selves.
"But he never tested positive!"
List of stupid statements that this belongs to be on:
"He's not a killer! OJ Simpson was never convicted of murder!"
"N*Sync doesn't suck! They sold millions of records!"
"My son's not an incompetent idiot that sucks at life that should cut his hippy suburban white boy afro hair, stop smoking weed incessantly, and shoot himself in his vagina! He goes to an Ivy League school!"
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Add another pwn'd moron to the pile
Well, let's see the list of morons that we've pwned so far on this blog:
Kenny Williams
Joe Morgan
dumbass Mets fans
Gerry Davis
irritating college fucks
Add Tim Brown to the list with this this gem.
I'm going to rip this apart, FJM-style. Let's start from the top:
Every afternoon it is was as new as it was going to be, this baseball thing, life in L.A., in Dodger Stadium, surrounded by people who believed he's not very good at this.
Juan Pierre is not good at his job (baseball) and you're not very good at yours (writing a sentence correctly) either.
Juan Pierre is not a good leadoff hitter, capable center fielder or wise investment. He's not a winner.
That is what they are sure of.
They are right.
And when I told a scout I still wanted to like Juan Pierre the player, he told me, "Don't."
When I told him I couldn't dismiss a player who worked longer, cared more, played harder than all but a handful of others in the league, he said, "Seriously, don't."
This is why you are churning out poorly written, imbecilic articles and he's scouting for a MLB team. He knows what he's talking about.
Apparently, we don't like Juan Pierre anymore. He doesn't hit for power and he doesn't get on base. He takes odd routes in the outfield and, when he and the Dodgers are lucky, covers the mistakes with speed. He throws poorly.
Yes, Juan Pierre does all of these things. That's why he sucks. Why are you writing this article?
I don't care. I like to watch him play. I like him on base, when he is. I like his first seven years after the All-Star break, when he's batted .318, when his on-base percentage is .361. I like a player who runs hard, no matter what, every time.
Talk about trying to find a silver lining in his stats, I think this is more telling:
Juan Pierre (2001-2007 eqA, OBA, OPS+)
.256, .378, 89
.235, .332, 65
.272, .361, 98
.276, .374, 107
.256, .326, 84
.255, .330, 81
.242, .310, 65
His only decent years were 2003 and 2004 when he had OBAs of .361 and .374 and eqAs over .270. Aside from that, he's terrible. Stop trying to argue that he's good in some sort of sophisticated, intangible way.
He is a slap-hitter on a team that does not hit home runs. He is a base stealer on a team that does not take many pitches. He is a center fielder between a near-rookie in right and a near-40-year-old in left. There have been better fits.
Worse, said the scout, "He's one of the reasons they're not very good."
YES, HE'S RIGHT!!! WHAT IS IT ABOUT JUAN PIERRE SUCKING THAT YOU DON'T GRASP??!!
Through June 14 last season, his first and only with the Chicago Cubs, he was batting .241, his on-base percentage was .283 and the Cubs were losing a lot. The fans there didn't like it and Pierre, in center field, and Jacques Jones, in right, heard about it.
"I loved him," Jones said. "He was awesome. He kept me going."
Screamed from the bleachers, shouted from the newspaper racks, the criticism hardly touched Pierre, Jones said. He finished batting .292, with an on-base percentage of .330, with 204 hits. He showed up early every day, played all but about six innings all season, and turned away from the babble, right through to the miserable end.
Juan Pierre credentials
-awesome at blocking out all of those nasty people who tell him he sucks at baseball and continuing to suck proudly
For this he gets $9 million a year. NINE MILLION DOLLARS. That is off the charts. Jose Reyes, and you all know my feelings about him, but he is 10 times better than Pierre and Reyes is making $2,875,000. I know Pierre's been around longer but the Mets got a huge bargain with Reyes and the Dodgers are idiots. This past offseason might go down as the one with the most numerous retarded signings.
Anyway, since we're on the topic of Reyes, I found it rather hilarious yesterday when Reyes was caught stealing down 6 runs, hit into a double play, and was Wang's 10th strikeout victim. And I got to watch it in person. That fucking rocked.
Kenny Williams
Joe Morgan
dumbass Mets fans
Gerry Davis
irritating college fucks
Add Tim Brown to the list with this this gem.
I'm going to rip this apart, FJM-style. Let's start from the top:
Every afternoon it is was as new as it was going to be, this baseball thing, life in L.A., in Dodger Stadium, surrounded by people who believed he's not very good at this.
Juan Pierre is not good at his job (baseball) and you're not very good at yours (writing a sentence correctly) either.
Juan Pierre is not a good leadoff hitter, capable center fielder or wise investment. He's not a winner.
That is what they are sure of.
They are right.
And when I told a scout I still wanted to like Juan Pierre the player, he told me, "Don't."
When I told him I couldn't dismiss a player who worked longer, cared more, played harder than all but a handful of others in the league, he said, "Seriously, don't."
This is why you are churning out poorly written, imbecilic articles and he's scouting for a MLB team. He knows what he's talking about.
Apparently, we don't like Juan Pierre anymore. He doesn't hit for power and he doesn't get on base. He takes odd routes in the outfield and, when he and the Dodgers are lucky, covers the mistakes with speed. He throws poorly.
Yes, Juan Pierre does all of these things. That's why he sucks. Why are you writing this article?
I don't care. I like to watch him play. I like him on base, when he is. I like his first seven years after the All-Star break, when he's batted .318, when his on-base percentage is .361. I like a player who runs hard, no matter what, every time.
Talk about trying to find a silver lining in his stats, I think this is more telling:
Juan Pierre (2001-2007 eqA, OBA, OPS+)
.256, .378, 89
.235, .332, 65
.272, .361, 98
.276, .374, 107
.256, .326, 84
.255, .330, 81
.242, .310, 65
His only decent years were 2003 and 2004 when he had OBAs of .361 and .374 and eqAs over .270. Aside from that, he's terrible. Stop trying to argue that he's good in some sort of sophisticated, intangible way.
He is a slap-hitter on a team that does not hit home runs. He is a base stealer on a team that does not take many pitches. He is a center fielder between a near-rookie in right and a near-40-year-old in left. There have been better fits.
Worse, said the scout, "He's one of the reasons they're not very good."
YES, HE'S RIGHT!!! WHAT IS IT ABOUT JUAN PIERRE SUCKING THAT YOU DON'T GRASP??!!
Through June 14 last season, his first and only with the Chicago Cubs, he was batting .241, his on-base percentage was .283 and the Cubs were losing a lot. The fans there didn't like it and Pierre, in center field, and Jacques Jones, in right, heard about it.
"I loved him," Jones said. "He was awesome. He kept me going."
Screamed from the bleachers, shouted from the newspaper racks, the criticism hardly touched Pierre, Jones said. He finished batting .292, with an on-base percentage of .330, with 204 hits. He showed up early every day, played all but about six innings all season, and turned away from the babble, right through to the miserable end.
Juan Pierre credentials
-awesome at blocking out all of those nasty people who tell him he sucks at baseball and continuing to suck proudly
For this he gets $9 million a year. NINE MILLION DOLLARS. That is off the charts. Jose Reyes, and you all know my feelings about him, but he is 10 times better than Pierre and Reyes is making $2,875,000. I know Pierre's been around longer but the Mets got a huge bargain with Reyes and the Dodgers are idiots. This past offseason might go down as the one with the most numerous retarded signings.
Anyway, since we're on the topic of Reyes, I found it rather hilarious yesterday when Reyes was caught stealing down 6 runs, hit into a double play, and was Wang's 10th strikeout victim. And I got to watch it in person. That fucking rocked.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Some inconsistencies here
After John Maine gave up the last of the back-to-back-to-back homers the other night, Hong-Chih Kuo flipped his bat away which apparently hurt the poor Mets' fragile, pussy feelings. Randolph apparently was not happy about it. I didn't see or hear the interview, and what he was quoted as saying didn't sound egregious, but apparently he was very sarcastic and sounded angry when he said:
He must be used to doing that a lot. It was very stylish.
How can Randolph even suggest that he was pissed about Kuo's flipping the bat?
Watch this clip of Lo Duca from June 7th.
Did Randolph seem upset when the teenage girl rapist prick flipped his bat? Nope (Also, if you're interested, which I'm sure anyone who hates the Mets would be, watch the clips of my boy Pat Burrell and his Philly buddies pwn Wagner and company in the 9th and 10th innings because the silence of Shea Stadium and the blatantly obvious depression in the voice of that guy who lives off Keith Hernandez's and Ron Darling's semen, Gary Cohen, is more than worth your time). So, Randolph, shut the hell up. That would be like Bill Clinton lambasting a political rival for extramarital affairs. Or Ted Kennedy grumbling about one of his inconsequential Senate seat opponents (and I say inconsequential because the fucking electorate in Massachusetts is replete with mentally defective schmucks who will continue re-electing Ted Kennedy) for being a constantly inebriated, lazy, do-nothing-useful cocksucker who got away with killing somebody.
This is honestly a huge reason why I hate the Mets. Among other reasons (i.e., their obnoxious moron fans), the Mets are so full of showboaters who can't just decently go about their business and are obviously so in love with themselves. When guys on the Yankees hit a HR, there's no elaborate celebration routine or a retarded 6th grade handshake which might as well end with the two players simulating a buttfuck. They round the bases, and high-five each other afterwards. Done. Unless you hit a huge walk-off HR or get the game winning strikeout with the tying run on base, there should not be any form of celebrating beyond a mild fistpump or something. The Mets and their deficiently minded fans can all go spinning round and round like loose turds as they swiftly descend down the porcelain haven for crap that is Shea Stadium in Flushing, New York.
He must be used to doing that a lot. It was very stylish.
How can Randolph even suggest that he was pissed about Kuo's flipping the bat?
Watch this clip of Lo Duca from June 7th.
Did Randolph seem upset when the teenage girl rapist prick flipped his bat? Nope (Also, if you're interested, which I'm sure anyone who hates the Mets would be, watch the clips of my boy Pat Burrell and his Philly buddies pwn Wagner and company in the 9th and 10th innings because the silence of Shea Stadium and the blatantly obvious depression in the voice of that guy who lives off Keith Hernandez's and Ron Darling's semen, Gary Cohen, is more than worth your time). So, Randolph, shut the hell up. That would be like Bill Clinton lambasting a political rival for extramarital affairs. Or Ted Kennedy grumbling about one of his inconsequential Senate seat opponents (and I say inconsequential because the fucking electorate in Massachusetts is replete with mentally defective schmucks who will continue re-electing Ted Kennedy) for being a constantly inebriated, lazy, do-nothing-useful cocksucker who got away with killing somebody.
This is honestly a huge reason why I hate the Mets. Among other reasons (i.e., their obnoxious moron fans), the Mets are so full of showboaters who can't just decently go about their business and are obviously so in love with themselves. When guys on the Yankees hit a HR, there's no elaborate celebration routine or a retarded 6th grade handshake which might as well end with the two players simulating a buttfuck. They round the bases, and high-five each other afterwards. Done. Unless you hit a huge walk-off HR or get the game winning strikeout with the tying run on base, there should not be any form of celebrating beyond a mild fistpump or something. The Mets and their deficiently minded fans can all go spinning round and round like loose turds as they swiftly descend down the porcelain haven for crap that is Shea Stadium in Flushing, New York.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
WFAN greatest moments voted on by nobody but Met weenies
This is WFAN’s 20th anniversary this year. They were launched July 1, 1987, so up until June 22, people can vote for their favorite sports moments since that time. My brother K.A. (Kick Ass, that’s right, I’m Bad Attitude Baracus and my brotha’s name’s Kick Ass Baracus, you got a problem wit dat, sucka?!) as I was driving Hannibal, Face and Murdock away from Colonel Decker, told me what some of the moments were as of yesterday. Not positive, but I believe these were the top five without being sure of the order:
1. Rangers Stanley Cup, which was definitely number 1
2. Mike Piazza’s HR the first game back at Shea after 9/11 (you gotta be kidding me, this is in the top 20, let alone the top 5?!)
3. Red Sox come back from 3-0 to beat the Yankees in 2004 (what a shock, paucity of Yankees fans voting, probably because they’re at work, and a litany of votes from vindictive asshole Mets fans who have nothing better to do all day other than whack off with Gary Cohen to 1986 Mets highlights on SNY in their parents’ house somewhere in Schmuck Village, Queens)
4. Yankees beat Braves in 1996 to win the World Series (if there was one Yankees World Series win Mets fans would have voted for, it makes sense that it’d be this one because it was at the expense of the despised Braves
5. I’m not positive, but I think Mets winning 2000 NLCS was in there too, not positive
Since this station is listened to mostly by third-rate dumbass Mets fans, the results are not surprising. In fact, I think I’m going to come up with a list of moments, both past and present, that they would probably love. In no particular order:
Greatest Moments in Mets’ history:
1. Mike Piazza bleaches his hair
2. Mets sign Mo Vaughn
3. Mets trade Scott Kazmir
4. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 14 year old girl
5. Pat Burrell hits his 947th career HR against the Mets
6. Mike Piazza falls in love at first site with Sam Champion
7. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 14 year 5 month old girl (he figured he’d violate an older woman this time)
8. Mike Piazza buys a house in Fire Island with Sam Champion
9. Omar Minaya shows what a genius GM he is when he signs Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez both for over $693 zillion over 40 years
10. Mets successfully sign ARod, who earns 3 NL MVP awards and proceeds to help them win 2 World Series
11. Derek Jeter pwns them in Games 4 and 5 of the 2000 World Series with a leadoff homer and a triple in Game 4, and a game-tying bomb off Leiter in Game 5
12. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 17 year old girl (he’s getting closer!)
13. Dwight Gooden pitches a no-hitter…but awwwww…for the Yankees, not the Mets. Still without a no-no.
14. David Cone pitches a perfect game…but once again, not with the Mets...
15. Paul Lo Duca fantasizes about raping a 17 year 7 month old girl when he attends a Saturday night Molloy high school dance posing as chaperone but can’t pull the trigger because he didn’t have his entourage around to kidnap her
16. Carlos Beltran hits a 3-run, series-winning double off the right-centerfield wall against Adam Wainwright in the 9th inning of the 2006 NLCS Game 7…it gives Mets’ fans goosebumps to this day and will continue to for years to come.
17. Timo Perez scores from 1st on a double by Todd Zeile in 2000 WS Game 1 by maximizing effort and exercising good judgment, like running hard on contact when there are two outs and not ceasing to hustle until an umpire signals home run.
18. Nolan Ryan throws 7 no-hitters…none with the Mets.
19. Paul Lo Duca divorces his unbelievably hot, mid-30s-but-will-still-be-gorgeous-when-she’s-50 former Playboy star wife (which explains why he got her, she’s a stupid slut) so he can continue raping 7th graders at after-school programs with his entourage’s help
20. The Mets do a three-peat…oh wait that was the Yankees, nevermind.
Uh oh, Decka's comin' again. HANNIBAL! I'MA KILL YOU FOO! I'll have to get back to y'all lata.
1. Rangers Stanley Cup, which was definitely number 1
2. Mike Piazza’s HR the first game back at Shea after 9/11 (you gotta be kidding me, this is in the top 20, let alone the top 5?!)
3. Red Sox come back from 3-0 to beat the Yankees in 2004 (what a shock, paucity of Yankees fans voting, probably because they’re at work, and a litany of votes from vindictive asshole Mets fans who have nothing better to do all day other than whack off with Gary Cohen to 1986 Mets highlights on SNY in their parents’ house somewhere in Schmuck Village, Queens)
4. Yankees beat Braves in 1996 to win the World Series (if there was one Yankees World Series win Mets fans would have voted for, it makes sense that it’d be this one because it was at the expense of the despised Braves
5. I’m not positive, but I think Mets winning 2000 NLCS was in there too, not positive
Since this station is listened to mostly by third-rate dumbass Mets fans, the results are not surprising. In fact, I think I’m going to come up with a list of moments, both past and present, that they would probably love. In no particular order:
Greatest Moments in Mets’ history:
1. Mike Piazza bleaches his hair
2. Mets sign Mo Vaughn
3. Mets trade Scott Kazmir
4. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 14 year old girl
5. Pat Burrell hits his 947th career HR against the Mets
6. Mike Piazza falls in love at first site with Sam Champion
7. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 14 year 5 month old girl (he figured he’d violate an older woman this time)
8. Mike Piazza buys a house in Fire Island with Sam Champion
9. Omar Minaya shows what a genius GM he is when he signs Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez both for over $693 zillion over 40 years
10. Mets successfully sign ARod, who earns 3 NL MVP awards and proceeds to help them win 2 World Series
11. Derek Jeter pwns them in Games 4 and 5 of the 2000 World Series with a leadoff homer and a triple in Game 4, and a game-tying bomb off Leiter in Game 5
12. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 17 year old girl (he’s getting closer!)
13. Dwight Gooden pitches a no-hitter…but awwwww…for the Yankees, not the Mets. Still without a no-no.
14. David Cone pitches a perfect game…but once again, not with the Mets...
15. Paul Lo Duca fantasizes about raping a 17 year 7 month old girl when he attends a Saturday night Molloy high school dance posing as chaperone but can’t pull the trigger because he didn’t have his entourage around to kidnap her
16. Carlos Beltran hits a 3-run, series-winning double off the right-centerfield wall against Adam Wainwright in the 9th inning of the 2006 NLCS Game 7…it gives Mets’ fans goosebumps to this day and will continue to for years to come.
17. Timo Perez scores from 1st on a double by Todd Zeile in 2000 WS Game 1 by maximizing effort and exercising good judgment, like running hard on contact when there are two outs and not ceasing to hustle until an umpire signals home run.
18. Nolan Ryan throws 7 no-hitters…none with the Mets.
19. Paul Lo Duca divorces his unbelievably hot, mid-30s-but-will-still-be-gorgeous-when-she’s-50 former Playboy star wife (which explains why he got her, she’s a stupid slut) so he can continue raping 7th graders at after-school programs with his entourage’s help
20. The Mets do a three-peat…oh wait that was the Yankees, nevermind.
Uh oh, Decka's comin' again. HANNIBAL! I'MA KILL YOU FOO! I'll have to get back to y'all lata.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Something I had been meaning to write for a while
2006 AL MVP: Was it really Morneau or should it have been Jeter?
This is a question some people still ask and as the title says, I’d been meaning to write about it for a while so I will now.
Derek Jeter (2006)
.322 eqA, 138 OPS+, .417 OBA, 9 FRAA at position high up on the defensive spectrum, 12.0 WARP3
Justin Morneau (2006)
.316 eqA, 140 OPS+, .375 OBA, 6 FRAA at a position very low on the defensive spectrum, 8.8 WARP3
Quite frankly, this is a no-brainer. Jeter is the MVP for these reasons alone. His raw offense is more valuable and then when you consider he plays shortstop, a much tougher position, and plays it well, it should then not even be close. However, lots of people look at Morneau and see his 34 HR and 130 RBIs. These people, unfortunately, are also idiots who don’t realize that HR and RBI totals are just as useless at evaluating offensive performance as these dumbasses are at life.
Jeter drove in 33 fewer runs, however…
Derek Jeter (2006)
w/runners on - .456 OBA/.522 SLG (.335 GPA), 90 RBI and 111 runs scored in 268 AB
w/RISP - .482 OBA/ .581 SLG (.362 GPA), 83 RBI and 98 runs scored in 155 AB
Justin Morneau (2006)
w/runners on - .382 OBA/.598 SLG (.321 GPA), 115 RBI and 82 runs scored in 264 AB
w/RISP - .401 OBA/.575 SLG (.324 GPA), 94 RBI and 65 runs scored in 167 AB
Jeter did a much better job with runners on than Morneau did, by either driving them in or getting on base for the guys behind him to knock them and himself in as well. Not that Morneau didn’t do a good job, but come on, Jeter fue mucho mejor.
Some people will also say that Jeter was helped a ton by his lineup (which scored 930 runs) and that Morneau (whose lineup scored 801 runs) had a lot less help. I am willing to concede that Jeter hits in a better lineup, but the idea that Morneau had no help is ludicrous:
Notable Batters in Jeter’s lineup
Damon (.293 eqA, .359 OBA)
Giambi (.332 eqA)
ARod (.316 eqA)
Posada (.304 eqA)
Cano (.307 eqA)
Notable batters in Morneau’s lineup
Castillo (.266 eqA, but a .358 OBA)
Hunter (.284 eqA)
Cuddyer (.301 eqA)
Mauer (.329 eqA)
Yes, Yankees lineup definitely is better, but Morneau had some good to very good hitters in there, too. Castillo doesn’t hit for the same power which drops his offensive value but he got on base as much as Damon did. Hunter didn’t get on base a whole lot but he hit for very good power. Cuddyer had a very good year. Mauer had an outstanding year. So let’s not compare Justin Morneau to Lance Berkman, who has much less in his lineup.
Also, take into consideration the fact that Jeter and Morneau play on teams in different divisions and intra-division teams all play every other team in that division 19 times. Here are AL East ERAs and adjusted ERAs (ERA+s, as in it adjusts for league difficulty and park factors with 100 as league average):
Blue Jays
4.37 ERA/108 ERA+
Yankees
4.41 ERA/99 ERA+
Red Sox
4.83 ERA/96 ERA+
Devil Rays
4.96 ERA/94 ERA+
Orioles
5.35 ERA/84 ERA+
Here are AL Central ERAs:
Detroit
3.84 ERA/117 ERA+
Twins
3.95 ERA/113 ERA+
Indians
4.41 ERA/101 ERA+
White Sox
4.61 ERA/101 ERA+
Royals
5.65 ERA/85 ERA+
I think it’s fair to say that the AL East is more of a hitting oriented division and that the AL Central was more of a pitching oriented division. So, it makes sense that guys in the AL East might have better offensive numbers than those in the AL Central. But did teams with better pitching affect Jeter? Let’s look at how Jeter fared against teams with good pitching:
Derek Jeter (2006)
vs. Blue Jays - .453 OBA/.523 SLG (.335 GPA)
vs. Tigers - .458 OBA/.333 SLG (.289 GPA)
vs. Angels - .435 OBA/.735 SLG (.380 GPA) (3rd in AL in ERA)
vs. Twins - .500 OBA/.609 SLG (.377 GPA)
vs. Indians - .483 OBA/.520 SLG (.347 GPA)
vs. Mets - .448 OBA/.517 SLG (.331 GPA)
I’d say Jeter did pretty well against these guys, wouldn’t you?
So, list of reasons why Yankees have better offensive numbers than Twins so far:
1. Yankees have better lineup (as I said, I’m willing to concede that)
2. AL Central is more of a pitching oriented division, whereas the AL East had some terrible pitching in some hitter friendly parks, so offense is better, but as I’ve showed, Jeter hit well against most teams, so it doesn’t really apply to him
3. The third reason in my opinion that the Yankees scored more runs is because the Yankees stole many more bases and were caught fewer times. The Yankees stole 139 bases and were caught 35 times, good for an 80% success rate. The Twins stole 101 bases and got caught 42 times, good for a 70% success rate. For the most part, run expectation tables show that getting caught is so much more detrimental than stealing a base is advantageous. However, the Yankees at 80%, actually broke even and created some runs this way. The Twins, at 70%, did not do so and in fact cost themselves runs. So this also adds to why the Yankees scored more runs.
So yeah, you really cannot defend Justin Morneau getting the MVP. Ah, glad I’m done. I was scribbling stuff like this in my notebook in class sometimes when I was supposed to be getting my learn on, but sometimes B.A. can be a foo. But then again, nobody who thinks Jeter was MVP can, by definition, be a foo! Because B.A. Baracus say so, sucka!
This is a question some people still ask and as the title says, I’d been meaning to write about it for a while so I will now.
Derek Jeter (2006)
.322 eqA, 138 OPS+, .417 OBA, 9 FRAA at position high up on the defensive spectrum, 12.0 WARP3
Justin Morneau (2006)
.316 eqA, 140 OPS+, .375 OBA, 6 FRAA at a position very low on the defensive spectrum, 8.8 WARP3
Quite frankly, this is a no-brainer. Jeter is the MVP for these reasons alone. His raw offense is more valuable and then when you consider he plays shortstop, a much tougher position, and plays it well, it should then not even be close. However, lots of people look at Morneau and see his 34 HR and 130 RBIs. These people, unfortunately, are also idiots who don’t realize that HR and RBI totals are just as useless at evaluating offensive performance as these dumbasses are at life.
Jeter drove in 33 fewer runs, however…
Derek Jeter (2006)
w/runners on - .456 OBA/.522 SLG (.335 GPA), 90 RBI and 111 runs scored in 268 AB
w/RISP - .482 OBA/ .581 SLG (.362 GPA), 83 RBI and 98 runs scored in 155 AB
Justin Morneau (2006)
w/runners on - .382 OBA/.598 SLG (.321 GPA), 115 RBI and 82 runs scored in 264 AB
w/RISP - .401 OBA/.575 SLG (.324 GPA), 94 RBI and 65 runs scored in 167 AB
Jeter did a much better job with runners on than Morneau did, by either driving them in or getting on base for the guys behind him to knock them and himself in as well. Not that Morneau didn’t do a good job, but come on, Jeter fue mucho mejor.
Some people will also say that Jeter was helped a ton by his lineup (which scored 930 runs) and that Morneau (whose lineup scored 801 runs) had a lot less help. I am willing to concede that Jeter hits in a better lineup, but the idea that Morneau had no help is ludicrous:
Notable Batters in Jeter’s lineup
Damon (.293 eqA, .359 OBA)
Giambi (.332 eqA)
ARod (.316 eqA)
Posada (.304 eqA)
Cano (.307 eqA)
Notable batters in Morneau’s lineup
Castillo (.266 eqA, but a .358 OBA)
Hunter (.284 eqA)
Cuddyer (.301 eqA)
Mauer (.329 eqA)
Yes, Yankees lineup definitely is better, but Morneau had some good to very good hitters in there, too. Castillo doesn’t hit for the same power which drops his offensive value but he got on base as much as Damon did. Hunter didn’t get on base a whole lot but he hit for very good power. Cuddyer had a very good year. Mauer had an outstanding year. So let’s not compare Justin Morneau to Lance Berkman, who has much less in his lineup.
Also, take into consideration the fact that Jeter and Morneau play on teams in different divisions and intra-division teams all play every other team in that division 19 times. Here are AL East ERAs and adjusted ERAs (ERA+s, as in it adjusts for league difficulty and park factors with 100 as league average):
Blue Jays
4.37 ERA/108 ERA+
Yankees
4.41 ERA/99 ERA+
Red Sox
4.83 ERA/96 ERA+
Devil Rays
4.96 ERA/94 ERA+
Orioles
5.35 ERA/84 ERA+
Here are AL Central ERAs:
Detroit
3.84 ERA/117 ERA+
Twins
3.95 ERA/113 ERA+
Indians
4.41 ERA/101 ERA+
White Sox
4.61 ERA/101 ERA+
Royals
5.65 ERA/85 ERA+
I think it’s fair to say that the AL East is more of a hitting oriented division and that the AL Central was more of a pitching oriented division. So, it makes sense that guys in the AL East might have better offensive numbers than those in the AL Central. But did teams with better pitching affect Jeter? Let’s look at how Jeter fared against teams with good pitching:
Derek Jeter (2006)
vs. Blue Jays - .453 OBA/.523 SLG (.335 GPA)
vs. Tigers - .458 OBA/.333 SLG (.289 GPA)
vs. Angels - .435 OBA/.735 SLG (.380 GPA) (3rd in AL in ERA)
vs. Twins - .500 OBA/.609 SLG (.377 GPA)
vs. Indians - .483 OBA/.520 SLG (.347 GPA)
vs. Mets - .448 OBA/.517 SLG (.331 GPA)
I’d say Jeter did pretty well against these guys, wouldn’t you?
So, list of reasons why Yankees have better offensive numbers than Twins so far:
1. Yankees have better lineup (as I said, I’m willing to concede that)
2. AL Central is more of a pitching oriented division, whereas the AL East had some terrible pitching in some hitter friendly parks, so offense is better, but as I’ve showed, Jeter hit well against most teams, so it doesn’t really apply to him
3. The third reason in my opinion that the Yankees scored more runs is because the Yankees stole many more bases and were caught fewer times. The Yankees stole 139 bases and were caught 35 times, good for an 80% success rate. The Twins stole 101 bases and got caught 42 times, good for a 70% success rate. For the most part, run expectation tables show that getting caught is so much more detrimental than stealing a base is advantageous. However, the Yankees at 80%, actually broke even and created some runs this way. The Twins, at 70%, did not do so and in fact cost themselves runs. So this also adds to why the Yankees scored more runs.
So yeah, you really cannot defend Justin Morneau getting the MVP. Ah, glad I’m done. I was scribbling stuff like this in my notebook in class sometimes when I was supposed to be getting my learn on, but sometimes B.A. can be a foo. But then again, nobody who thinks Jeter was MVP can, by definition, be a foo! Because B.A. Baracus say so, sucka!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
This stuff is really deep, man…
Hey everybody! Some poetry! A collaborative effort from Mets fans infatuated with Jose Reyes, dumbass broadcasters like Morgan and McCarver, and obstinate old people. I personally found it to be very moving and awesome.
Baseball is a rollercoaster of emotions
Never mind those statistical notions
Grittiness and heart determine it all
Much more than hitting one over the wall
Stolen bases are the greatest things ever
Swiping a base, always a worthwhile endeavor
Don’t look at a run expectation table
It’s nothing more than a harebrained fable
Jose Reyes’ triples and SBs are so exciting
They make jerking off oh just so inviting
Forget that several shortstops are just as good
They don’t give me nearly as much wood
I hate big sluggers who get on base
They couldn’t beat a cripple in a footrace
Who cares about a high on-base average?
Let alone all the pitching that they ravage?
Isn’t smallball simply the best?
Experts like Morgan and McCarver acquiesced
Watching smallball teams is so much fun
Even though they seldom score a run
Fuck these people in their assholes
I hope Satan devours their brainless souls
Then shits them out into a sea of fires
And disembowels them with a pair of B.A.'s pliers
Doesn’t that poem just nail baseball right on the head? It’s so moving and totally right at the same time. OK…maybe they’re wrong about everything they wrote, but it’s still awesome. The last stanza kind of doesn’t fit in with the rest. I don’t know why it’s in there. Maybe a bad edit. OK, I’ll admit it, I wrote that. But that’s it! Everything else was not written by me…fuck, you got me. I confess, I wrote this whole thing to mock these morons. After all, isn’t this my job since I write for a blog called “Pwnage of Morons”? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks.
NOTE: I do realize Jose Reyes is a very good player. His on-base is about .400 and his stolen base percentage isn’t bad, but the over-hype he gets and the reasons for which he gets it drive me nuts.
Baseball is a rollercoaster of emotions
Never mind those statistical notions
Grittiness and heart determine it all
Much more than hitting one over the wall
Stolen bases are the greatest things ever
Swiping a base, always a worthwhile endeavor
Don’t look at a run expectation table
It’s nothing more than a harebrained fable
Jose Reyes’ triples and SBs are so exciting
They make jerking off oh just so inviting
Forget that several shortstops are just as good
They don’t give me nearly as much wood
I hate big sluggers who get on base
They couldn’t beat a cripple in a footrace
Who cares about a high on-base average?
Let alone all the pitching that they ravage?
Isn’t smallball simply the best?
Experts like Morgan and McCarver acquiesced
Watching smallball teams is so much fun
Even though they seldom score a run
Fuck these people in their assholes
I hope Satan devours their brainless souls
Then shits them out into a sea of fires
And disembowels them with a pair of B.A.'s pliers
Doesn’t that poem just nail baseball right on the head? It’s so moving and totally right at the same time. OK…maybe they’re wrong about everything they wrote, but it’s still awesome. The last stanza kind of doesn’t fit in with the rest. I don’t know why it’s in there. Maybe a bad edit. OK, I’ll admit it, I wrote that. But that’s it! Everything else was not written by me…fuck, you got me. I confess, I wrote this whole thing to mock these morons. After all, isn’t this my job since I write for a blog called “Pwnage of Morons”? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks.
NOTE: I do realize Jose Reyes is a very good player. His on-base is about .400 and his stolen base percentage isn’t bad, but the over-hype he gets and the reasons for which he gets it drive me nuts.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Introducing the legendary man who is never right
I present to you...Tim McCarver, my friends.
Joe Buck: Well, runner on second, Lugo, and nobody out. It looks as if Lugo’s looking at the third base coach for signs. Do you think they're going to bunt? Or could they be thinking of trying to steal third with nobody out? What do you think Tim?
Tim McCarver: Well, you see. I think that stealing third base here would be an incredibly smart play. The defense definitely wouldn’t be thinking of it. And that way all you need is a fly ball to score a run.
Joe Buck: And here’s the pitch from Wang…Lugo’s going! Posada’s throw is…in time, Lugo is gone.
Tim McCarver: And that is exactly…exactly why you do not try to steal third base with no one out. You’re already in scoring position! What is he thinking?
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): Oh my God…
Joe Buck: And here’s Wil Nieves to bat here with one out and nobody on.
Tim McCarver: Interesting to note, Joe. Wil Nieves…has never…NEVER…hit a Major League home run. I personally don’t see him doing it.
Joe Buck: And Nieves rips one down the left field line, Manny will look up and this ball is gone! Wil Nieves with his first Major League home run.
Tim McCarver: You see, Wil Nieves doesn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to play, but he has pop in that bat! I don’t understand why Joe Torre doesn’t play him everyday.
Smart Stat guy in the back: They have Jorge Posada, you fucking retard with a Southern drawl to make you sound dumber, who’s OPSing .980.
Tim McCarver: But I know what I'm talking about! I caught Bob Gibson! I caught Steve Carlton!
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, that has an incredible amount of relevance here. Though I guess you do know something about baserunning, like running past the guy on first base when you hit a grand slam. "Sheer speed" you called it? How about "sheer imbecility"...
Tim McCarver: Fire that man!!!
Smart Stat guy in the back (thinking to himself): Not again...
Joe Buck: Well, Tim, I wonder, as ARod steps in to face Papelbon, if Papelbon is not still thinking of that home run that he gave up to ARod back on June 3rd earlier this season.
Tim McCarver (in his Southern drawl): There is no way…absolutely…no way…that Papelbon is going to approach ARod timidly or any differently than he would had he not given up that home run. Papelbon is a tough man to rattle. He is an unbelievably great closer. He throws unbelievably hard. He has a huge penis. He is a God among men. He can mix oil and water and walk on both. He–
Joe Buck (with mike turned off): You can stop licking his package now, Tim. Everybody gets the point. (turns mike back on) And ARod launches one deep to left-center…track…wall…monument park! Yankees win! And Papelbon walks off the mound…it looks like he’s crying. Francona is coming out with a pacifier and a new pair of underwear, the latter necessary as evidenced by the brownish stain on Papelbon’s rear end.
Tim McCarver: You see, that’s exactly why Papelbon should have given ARod a different look, maybe changed his approach. There is no way you can allow yourself to get burned twice like that by the same guy. And look at that! He’s rattled! I always knew he didn’t have what it took to be a closer.
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): I envy dad…solely because he’s dead and doesn’t have to sit next to this third rate dumbass whose IQ is inversely proportional to his incoherence.
Joe Buck: Well, runner on second, Lugo, and nobody out. It looks as if Lugo’s looking at the third base coach for signs. Do you think they're going to bunt? Or could they be thinking of trying to steal third with nobody out? What do you think Tim?
Tim McCarver: Well, you see. I think that stealing third base here would be an incredibly smart play. The defense definitely wouldn’t be thinking of it. And that way all you need is a fly ball to score a run.
Joe Buck: And here’s the pitch from Wang…Lugo’s going! Posada’s throw is…in time, Lugo is gone.
Tim McCarver: And that is exactly…exactly why you do not try to steal third base with no one out. You’re already in scoring position! What is he thinking?
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): Oh my God…
Joe Buck: And here’s Wil Nieves to bat here with one out and nobody on.
Tim McCarver: Interesting to note, Joe. Wil Nieves…has never…NEVER…hit a Major League home run. I personally don’t see him doing it.
Joe Buck: And Nieves rips one down the left field line, Manny will look up and this ball is gone! Wil Nieves with his first Major League home run.
Tim McCarver: You see, Wil Nieves doesn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to play, but he has pop in that bat! I don’t understand why Joe Torre doesn’t play him everyday.
Smart Stat guy in the back: They have Jorge Posada, you fucking retard with a Southern drawl to make you sound dumber, who’s OPSing .980.
Tim McCarver: But I know what I'm talking about! I caught Bob Gibson! I caught Steve Carlton!
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, that has an incredible amount of relevance here. Though I guess you do know something about baserunning, like running past the guy on first base when you hit a grand slam. "Sheer speed" you called it? How about "sheer imbecility"...
Tim McCarver: Fire that man!!!
Smart Stat guy in the back (thinking to himself): Not again...
Joe Buck: Well, Tim, I wonder, as ARod steps in to face Papelbon, if Papelbon is not still thinking of that home run that he gave up to ARod back on June 3rd earlier this season.
Tim McCarver (in his Southern drawl): There is no way…absolutely…no way…that Papelbon is going to approach ARod timidly or any differently than he would had he not given up that home run. Papelbon is a tough man to rattle. He is an unbelievably great closer. He throws unbelievably hard. He has a huge penis. He is a God among men. He can mix oil and water and walk on both. He–
Joe Buck (with mike turned off): You can stop licking his package now, Tim. Everybody gets the point. (turns mike back on) And ARod launches one deep to left-center…track…wall…monument park! Yankees win! And Papelbon walks off the mound…it looks like he’s crying. Francona is coming out with a pacifier and a new pair of underwear, the latter necessary as evidenced by the brownish stain on Papelbon’s rear end.
Tim McCarver: You see, that’s exactly why Papelbon should have given ARod a different look, maybe changed his approach. There is no way you can allow yourself to get burned twice like that by the same guy. And look at that! He’s rattled! I always knew he didn’t have what it took to be a closer.
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): I envy dad…solely because he’s dead and doesn’t have to sit next to this third rate dumbass whose IQ is inversely proportional to his incoherence.
Friday, June 8, 2007
This is just hilarious
An article by Joe Morgan a while back talking about Rickey Henderson:
Despite what some may think, Rickey's greatest quality as a leadoff man was not his high on-base percentage. In fact, for those who consider Jeremy Giambi to be the right choice as Oakland's leadoff hitter, the ability to get on base is not even the second most important quality.
(which is, as he writes later in the article...)
The leadoff man must have the right mentality and realize the importance of his job the first time up. He has to be willing to take pitches and sacrifice part of his at-bat to give his team a longer look at the pitcher. Taking as many pitches as possible allows his teammates to see how sharp the pitcher's breaking ball is, how much control he has with his fastball, and how much movement is on his pitches. The more pitches a team sees, the better.
This is stupid. Joe never reads anything about baseball. OBA, which correlates best with runs scored, at least among traditional stats (stats like eqA, OPS+, gross production average, etc. are better), is not even the second most important quality to him, but the right mentality is.
B.A.: Hey, sucka? Biologically, what’s the most important component of procreation?
Morgan: Well, contrary to what people think, it’s not sex.
B.A.: Huh?
Morgan: It’s all about the mindset of the two people.
B.A.: Well yeah, responsibility, being ready for a kid...that stuff is important but I'm just saying biologically.
Morgan: That's what I mean. Biologically, you have to have the right mentality. People with the best mentality have the most kids.
B.A.: Do you have any proof of this?
Morgan: Trust me, I've had kids.
B.A.: So, the right mentality about procreation is salient and the physical act of having sex is biologically insignificant?
Morgan: That’s right...I guess...I don't know what salient means.
B.A.: Of paramount importance...
Morgan: Oh I love movies from Paramount!
B.A.: Not Paramount studios...basically salient means it's very important.
Morgan: Oh, alright, well yeah, sex isn't biologically important if you want to have kids. Believe me, I'd know.
B.A.: Thanks Mr. Father-of-people-who-have-in-turn-had-more-people.
#1 on his priority list was speed, but I'll get into that later.
On-base percentages are overrated for a leadoff hitter. All the sluggers have high on-base percentages. Jason Giambi led the American League in on-base percentage a year ago, but what does he do once he is on base? All he can do is stand at first base and wait for someone else to move him around. But if a player has speed and the right mental approach, on-base percentage becomes more important for a leadoff man. The more times he is on base, the more he can use his speed.
So on-base average (it's not a percentage) isn't important unless you have speed? Alright Joe, I'm going to go inform Jason about your opinion now:
B.A.: Hey Jason?
Jason Giambi (finishes amphetamines): Yeah, B.A.?
B.A.: Joe Morgan thinks you should stop being so patient and being good at not making outs. I think Torre hates your getting on base so others have opportunities to drive you in.
Jason Giambi: Well Torre doesn’t have to worry about my not making outs because of my foot.
B.A.: Great. I’m sure the Yankees are thrilled to not have your not-profusely-making-outs bat in the lineup anymore.
Giambi: Yeah, but that's alright. Douggy Bombs is lighting up the scoreboard in my absence.
B.A.: Nah, that puny prick Lowell gave him a concussion and a broken wrist.
Giambi: What? That skinny fuck. That limpdick got no heat for all the roids he took.
B.A.: Yeah I know. You shoulda heard the convo he was having after last Saturday's game.
Giambi: What do you mean?
B.A.: He's on "the queer" and he takes HMH.
Giambi: The queer AND Human Mojo Hormone?!
B.A.: Yup.
Giambi: I hope he dies.
B.A.: We all do.
Just because Giambi is slow does not mean that his getting on base is not valuable. Speed is valuable gravy, but not necessary. Jeter getting on base will likely lead to more runs than Giambi at the same clip, but that would be a marginal difference:
Giambi (2002)
120 runs scored
Jeter (2002)
124 runs scored
"Jeter scored 4 more runs with an OBA 62 pts lower!" you might say. However, think about it. Jeter's batting behind Giambi who would generally either drive him in or draw a walk, leading to a guy behind Giambi likely driving Jeter in. However, after Giambi, the lineup gets weaker aside from when Bernie (.908 OPS) hit behind him:
Jorge Posada
.828 OPS
Robin Ventura
.836 OPS
Raul Mondesi
.745 OPS
Rondell White
.666 OPS
Does anyone think a guy with a significantly lower OBA but more speed would have helped score more runs? Giambi having a .435 OBA is incredibly valuable because by being on base all the time, the guys behind you WILL knock you in. Look at the RBI totals for a couple of these guys:
Posada: 99 RBI in 511 AB
Ventura: 93 RBI in 465 AB
If Giambi were faster, he’d have probably scored a few more runs, but seeing as how the Yankees won 103 games and scored 897 runs to lead the league, I think Giambi’s .435 OBA with little speed was plenty. What else did they lead the league in by the way? OBA. Coincidence? I don’t think so, foo! Where were they in stolen bases? 6th. The team to lead the league in stolen bases was the offensively minded Kansas City Royals, who scored 24 runs that year, all on Mike Sweeney solo homers.
Overall, Morgan makes decent points about how speed on the bases can disrupt a pitcher and what not, but these things are what I’d call bonuses, not priorities. Mickey Rivers disrupted pitchers on the bases, but only 32.7% of the time because the other 67.3% of the time he was making outs. His “disruption factor” led to a total of 785 runs scored in 5629 AB, or a run scored every 7.17 AB. Versus say someone like…Joe Morgan! His .392 OBA led to 1650 runs scored in 9277 AB, or a run scored every 5.62 AB. And Joe, no, it was only marginally due to the fact that you stole more bases or that you were a pest on the basepaths with that team, oh what are they called, oh how could I forget? The Big Red Machine. I should have remembered that sooner, you only talk about it every 3 minutes. Anyways, you scored more runs because you got on base at a clip that was 65 pts higher than Rivers. End of story.
Despite what some may think, Rickey's greatest quality as a leadoff man was not his high on-base percentage. In fact, for those who consider Jeremy Giambi to be the right choice as Oakland's leadoff hitter, the ability to get on base is not even the second most important quality.
(which is, as he writes later in the article...)
The leadoff man must have the right mentality and realize the importance of his job the first time up. He has to be willing to take pitches and sacrifice part of his at-bat to give his team a longer look at the pitcher. Taking as many pitches as possible allows his teammates to see how sharp the pitcher's breaking ball is, how much control he has with his fastball, and how much movement is on his pitches. The more pitches a team sees, the better.
This is stupid. Joe never reads anything about baseball. OBA, which correlates best with runs scored, at least among traditional stats (stats like eqA, OPS+, gross production average, etc. are better), is not even the second most important quality to him, but the right mentality is.
B.A.: Hey, sucka? Biologically, what’s the most important component of procreation?
Morgan: Well, contrary to what people think, it’s not sex.
B.A.: Huh?
Morgan: It’s all about the mindset of the two people.
B.A.: Well yeah, responsibility, being ready for a kid...that stuff is important but I'm just saying biologically.
Morgan: That's what I mean. Biologically, you have to have the right mentality. People with the best mentality have the most kids.
B.A.: Do you have any proof of this?
Morgan: Trust me, I've had kids.
B.A.: So, the right mentality about procreation is salient and the physical act of having sex is biologically insignificant?
Morgan: That’s right...I guess...I don't know what salient means.
B.A.: Of paramount importance...
Morgan: Oh I love movies from Paramount!
B.A.: Not Paramount studios...basically salient means it's very important.
Morgan: Oh, alright, well yeah, sex isn't biologically important if you want to have kids. Believe me, I'd know.
B.A.: Thanks Mr. Father-of-people-who-have-in-turn-had-more-people.
#1 on his priority list was speed, but I'll get into that later.
On-base percentages are overrated for a leadoff hitter. All the sluggers have high on-base percentages. Jason Giambi led the American League in on-base percentage a year ago, but what does he do once he is on base? All he can do is stand at first base and wait for someone else to move him around. But if a player has speed and the right mental approach, on-base percentage becomes more important for a leadoff man. The more times he is on base, the more he can use his speed.
So on-base average (it's not a percentage) isn't important unless you have speed? Alright Joe, I'm going to go inform Jason about your opinion now:
B.A.: Hey Jason?
Jason Giambi (finishes amphetamines): Yeah, B.A.?
B.A.: Joe Morgan thinks you should stop being so patient and being good at not making outs. I think Torre hates your getting on base so others have opportunities to drive you in.
Jason Giambi: Well Torre doesn’t have to worry about my not making outs because of my foot.
B.A.: Great. I’m sure the Yankees are thrilled to not have your not-profusely-making-outs bat in the lineup anymore.
Giambi: Yeah, but that's alright. Douggy Bombs is lighting up the scoreboard in my absence.
B.A.: Nah, that puny prick Lowell gave him a concussion and a broken wrist.
Giambi: What? That skinny fuck. That limpdick got no heat for all the roids he took.
B.A.: Yeah I know. You shoulda heard the convo he was having after last Saturday's game.
Giambi: What do you mean?
B.A.: He's on "the queer" and he takes HMH.
Giambi: The queer AND Human Mojo Hormone?!
B.A.: Yup.
Giambi: I hope he dies.
B.A.: We all do.
Just because Giambi is slow does not mean that his getting on base is not valuable. Speed is valuable gravy, but not necessary. Jeter getting on base will likely lead to more runs than Giambi at the same clip, but that would be a marginal difference:
Giambi (2002)
120 runs scored
Jeter (2002)
124 runs scored
"Jeter scored 4 more runs with an OBA 62 pts lower!" you might say. However, think about it. Jeter's batting behind Giambi who would generally either drive him in or draw a walk, leading to a guy behind Giambi likely driving Jeter in. However, after Giambi, the lineup gets weaker aside from when Bernie (.908 OPS) hit behind him:
Jorge Posada
.828 OPS
Robin Ventura
.836 OPS
Raul Mondesi
.745 OPS
Rondell White
.666 OPS
Does anyone think a guy with a significantly lower OBA but more speed would have helped score more runs? Giambi having a .435 OBA is incredibly valuable because by being on base all the time, the guys behind you WILL knock you in. Look at the RBI totals for a couple of these guys:
Posada: 99 RBI in 511 AB
Ventura: 93 RBI in 465 AB
If Giambi were faster, he’d have probably scored a few more runs, but seeing as how the Yankees won 103 games and scored 897 runs to lead the league, I think Giambi’s .435 OBA with little speed was plenty. What else did they lead the league in by the way? OBA. Coincidence? I don’t think so, foo! Where were they in stolen bases? 6th. The team to lead the league in stolen bases was the offensively minded Kansas City Royals, who scored 24 runs that year, all on Mike Sweeney solo homers.
Overall, Morgan makes decent points about how speed on the bases can disrupt a pitcher and what not, but these things are what I’d call bonuses, not priorities. Mickey Rivers disrupted pitchers on the bases, but only 32.7% of the time because the other 67.3% of the time he was making outs. His “disruption factor” led to a total of 785 runs scored in 5629 AB, or a run scored every 7.17 AB. Versus say someone like…Joe Morgan! His .392 OBA led to 1650 runs scored in 9277 AB, or a run scored every 5.62 AB. And Joe, no, it was only marginally due to the fact that you stole more bases or that you were a pest on the basepaths with that team, oh what are they called, oh how could I forget? The Big Red Machine. I should have remembered that sooner, you only talk about it every 3 minutes. Anyways, you scored more runs because you got on base at a clip that was 65 pts higher than Rivers. End of story.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Players who ought to be shot
After Tadahito Iguchi went 3 for 5 yesterday, B.A. got mad...REALLY REALLY MAD! So I decided to get my learn on, foo!
Tadahito Iguchi
career OPS: .777
career OPS versus NYY: 1.035 in 45 at bats (I know it's a small sample size, but the Yankees and White Sox play each other pretty infrequently and this is what he's done against the Yankees over the course of 2 seasons)
Coco Crisp
OPS (2007): .622
OPS (2007 versus NYY): .994
OBA (2007): .299
OBA (2007 versus NYY): .444 (and yes that means he, who has slugged under .400 in 3 of his 5 full seasons, is also slugging .550...Coco Crisp and the word slug should not be in the same sentence together...unless you're talking about putting one in him, which as one can infer from the title, I'm all in favor of)
Julio Lugo
walk totals versus other teams this year: 1,1,0,1,1,0,1,2,3,0
walk totals versus NYY this year: 10...yes...FUCKING TEN
The Mets have disclaimers in their contract for their moron fans, I think some teams must have clauses in their contracts like this:
You are at best a C+ to B- hitter. You are not that good. You are a bum that might not even be in MLB before this contract is up. However, if you play well against the Yankees, you will reap the benefits of what we call the "I'm an Annoying Slaphitting Dipshit" Incentive. This bonus adds 10% to your salary for that season and free tickets you will be coerced into using to see that play about a bunch of artsy, pretentious dumbasses who all get AIDS and die. At least I hope they die, I'm not willing to sit through it to find out...that's your job. But as you know, this wouldn't be an incentive if we didn't think annoying people like you would enjoy widely acclaimed bowel movements like these.
I don't care if it's Griffey, Thome, Howard, Pujols, Hafner, Vlad, or any big time power hitter that kills the Yankees. They kill everybody, some to more of an extent than others. But there is something about weenie bums who suck that hit the Yankees well. Sure there are bums who don't hit the Yankees, but there are some guys who just fucking kill the Yankees and are terrible. It's annoying as hell. As I've said, they oughta be shot. And being Sgt. B.A. Baracus, I got as good a shot as anyone, sucka!
Tadahito Iguchi
career OPS: .777
career OPS versus NYY: 1.035 in 45 at bats (I know it's a small sample size, but the Yankees and White Sox play each other pretty infrequently and this is what he's done against the Yankees over the course of 2 seasons)
Coco Crisp
OPS (2007): .622
OPS (2007 versus NYY): .994
OBA (2007): .299
OBA (2007 versus NYY): .444 (and yes that means he, who has slugged under .400 in 3 of his 5 full seasons, is also slugging .550...Coco Crisp and the word slug should not be in the same sentence together...unless you're talking about putting one in him, which as one can infer from the title, I'm all in favor of)
Julio Lugo
walk totals versus other teams this year: 1,1,0,1,1,0,1,2,3,0
walk totals versus NYY this year: 10...yes...FUCKING TEN
The Mets have disclaimers in their contract for their moron fans, I think some teams must have clauses in their contracts like this:
You are at best a C+ to B- hitter. You are not that good. You are a bum that might not even be in MLB before this contract is up. However, if you play well against the Yankees, you will reap the benefits of what we call the "I'm an Annoying Slaphitting Dipshit" Incentive. This bonus adds 10% to your salary for that season and free tickets you will be coerced into using to see that play about a bunch of artsy, pretentious dumbasses who all get AIDS and die. At least I hope they die, I'm not willing to sit through it to find out...that's your job. But as you know, this wouldn't be an incentive if we didn't think annoying people like you would enjoy widely acclaimed bowel movements like these.
I don't care if it's Griffey, Thome, Howard, Pujols, Hafner, Vlad, or any big time power hitter that kills the Yankees. They kill everybody, some to more of an extent than others. But there is something about weenie bums who suck that hit the Yankees well. Sure there are bums who don't hit the Yankees, but there are some guys who just fucking kill the Yankees and are terrible. It's annoying as hell. As I've said, they oughta be shot. And being Sgt. B.A. Baracus, I got as good a shot as anyone, sucka!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Jon Miller must be senile too
I don't know if it's just me, but this is basically how the broadcast of last night's game went:
Jon Miller: And there's a groundball to ARod, he throws to first for the out. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(half inning later)
Jon Miller: Up to the plate steps Alex Rodriguez. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(2 innings later)
Jon Miller: Lugo grounds to Jeter, and Jeter throws him out. Jeter, the shortstop, is playing right next to the third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Peter [Gammons]?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And there's a fat Sox fan in the stands stroking his penis in front of an 8 year old boy, and that reminds me of third basemen, which reminds me of Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And here's my crotch and fatass masseuse/trans fat delivery boy. Hey look, there's Alex Rodriguez at third base, and in case you didn't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, sweet cheeks?
He must have brought it up like 5-6 times during the game last night. He might as well have asked everyone and his/her mother what they thought of the play. Ridiculous. I can't wait for the next Sunday Night ESPN Yankees game so we can listen to the Senile-Dead-Horse-Beating-Dumbasses broadcast the game.
Jon Miller: And there's a groundball to ARod, he throws to first for the out. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(half inning later)
Jon Miller: Up to the plate steps Alex Rodriguez. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(2 innings later)
Jon Miller: Lugo grounds to Jeter, and Jeter throws him out. Jeter, the shortstop, is playing right next to the third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Peter [Gammons]?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And there's a fat Sox fan in the stands stroking his penis in front of an 8 year old boy, and that reminds me of third basemen, which reminds me of Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And here's my crotch and fatass masseuse/trans fat delivery boy. Hey look, there's Alex Rodriguez at third base, and in case you didn't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, sweet cheeks?
He must have brought it up like 5-6 times during the game last night. He might as well have asked everyone and his/her mother what they thought of the play. Ridiculous. I can't wait for the next Sunday Night ESPN Yankees game so we can listen to the Senile-Dead-Horse-Beating-Dumbasses broadcast the game.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball! Yankees-Red Sox! WEEEEEEE!!!!!
I thought I'd write a post to express my absolute delight that Jon Miller and Joe Morgan will be broadcasting tomorrow night's Red Sox-Yankees game. Here are some of the conversations I expect in tomorrow night's game:
In the 1st inning:
Jon Miller: Well, up steps the hot-hitting Kevin Youkilis. It’s funny, Joe. I recently read Moneyball, which was written by Michael Lewis, and there’s practically a whole chapter about Youkilis in it.
Joe Morgan: Well, quite frankly, Jon, I don’t think that Billy Beane should have written Moneyball. I think it’s a very bad book that shouldn’t have been written.
Jon Miller: Have you read the book, which was written by Michael Lewis?
Joe Morgan: No, I haven’t. As I’ve said before, I don’t read stuff that Billy Beane writes.
Jon Miller: Well you’re an illiterate imbecile and you don’t read period, so I’m not surprised.
Joe Morgan: Are you still mad about my calling you fat two weeks ago when we were tossing David Wright’s salad after his HR?
Jon Miller: Yes I am, Joe! That was totally uncalled for and you made me feel so unattractive.
Joe Morgan: I apologize, and to make up for it I’ll get you into the locker room so you can shower with Papelbon.
Jon Miller: You’re such a sweetheart, Joe.
Between the 3rd and 4th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery. I’d like the mega-size bacon cheeseburger pizza with a side of lard. Thanks.
(dials another number)
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Outback Steakhouse? I’d like an incredibly rare New York Strip, with the Aussie Cheese Fries, Chicken Strips, and the discarded fat from other people’s entrees. Send it to Fenway Park. You know? That ginormous-green-eyesore-ought-to-be-dynamited-piece-of-shit? Thanks.
When Coco Crisp or Julio Lugo steals a base:
Joe Morgan: You see, it’s stolen bases and smart decisions on the basepaths that win ballgames. Smallball is a very underrated strategy.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, it’s called Smallball because the people who use it are dipshits with small balls.
Joe Morgan: What are you talking about?! Smallball wins championships! I would know because of my days with the Big Red Machine.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Shut up, you senile old dumbass. Your Big Red Machine won because they had a team OPS+ of 129 in 1976. You yourself had an OPS+ of 187. Smallball means little, fast, gritty, annoying wastes of roster spots running into tons of outs and costing you runs.
Joe Morgan: Noooo! Dave Concepcion! Uhh…uh…Johnny Bench!
Jon Miller: Oh no, he’s having one of his senile anxiety attacks. Get a medic in here!
Joe Morgan: Sparky Anderson! Big Red Machine! Pete Rose! Tony Perez!
When anybody makes a decent play in the infield:
Joe Morgan: Infield defense is the most important aspect of any team, and that’s what wins ballgames. I think I’ve said this before.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yup, a great infield that can’t hit worth a shit and a pitching staff that gives up 300 HR a year is going to win ballgames.
Joe Morgan: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER PLAYED BASEBALL! George Foster! Ken Griffey!
Jon Miller: Get another medic! And fire this stat guy! Who hired an intelligent, knowledgeable, well-qualified baseball statistician to be in the booth with obstinate, ignorant dumbasses like us?!
Between the 6th and 7th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Dairy Queen? Send over to Fenway Park a large banana split topped with bacon fat. Thanks.
Joe Morgan: Bacon fat as a topping?
Jon Miller: Absolutely, Joe. It’s fantastic. I love fat…just not on my favorite baseball players like Jonny Papelboner. I call him that because his juiced radar gun reading of 98 mph gives me a boner. Heehee!
In the 9th inning
Jon Miller: Well here's Jonathan Papelbon. The pitch...strike on the inside corner. 98 mph...wow! He throws soooo harrrd...
Joe Morgan: This guy is probably the best closer in the game. And he throws really hard.
Jon Miller: The pitch...and another fastball this time on the OUTSIDE corner...another strike! Wow, he's amazing.
Joe Morgan: You see, that's what good pitchers do. They work the ball in and out...
Jon Miller: Kinda like what I'll be doing with him after this game's over, Joe. And the 0-2 pitch to Jeter...and Jeter gets into one to left center...on its way...good bye!
Joe Morgan (crying): .....................
Jon Miller (with mike turned off): Oh no...Papelbon's REALLY going to need some love tonight. Damn you Jeter! Go out tonight and screw all those hot women that want you, you...good baseball player, you!
It might not be this bad, but it'll be pretty close.
In the 1st inning:
Jon Miller: Well, up steps the hot-hitting Kevin Youkilis. It’s funny, Joe. I recently read Moneyball, which was written by Michael Lewis, and there’s practically a whole chapter about Youkilis in it.
Joe Morgan: Well, quite frankly, Jon, I don’t think that Billy Beane should have written Moneyball. I think it’s a very bad book that shouldn’t have been written.
Jon Miller: Have you read the book, which was written by Michael Lewis?
Joe Morgan: No, I haven’t. As I’ve said before, I don’t read stuff that Billy Beane writes.
Jon Miller: Well you’re an illiterate imbecile and you don’t read period, so I’m not surprised.
Joe Morgan: Are you still mad about my calling you fat two weeks ago when we were tossing David Wright’s salad after his HR?
Jon Miller: Yes I am, Joe! That was totally uncalled for and you made me feel so unattractive.
Joe Morgan: I apologize, and to make up for it I’ll get you into the locker room so you can shower with Papelbon.
Jon Miller: You’re such a sweetheart, Joe.
Between the 3rd and 4th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery. I’d like the mega-size bacon cheeseburger pizza with a side of lard. Thanks.
(dials another number)
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Outback Steakhouse? I’d like an incredibly rare New York Strip, with the Aussie Cheese Fries, Chicken Strips, and the discarded fat from other people’s entrees. Send it to Fenway Park. You know? That ginormous-green-eyesore-ought-to-be-dynamited-piece-of-shit? Thanks.
When Coco Crisp or Julio Lugo steals a base:
Joe Morgan: You see, it’s stolen bases and smart decisions on the basepaths that win ballgames. Smallball is a very underrated strategy.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, it’s called Smallball because the people who use it are dipshits with small balls.
Joe Morgan: What are you talking about?! Smallball wins championships! I would know because of my days with the Big Red Machine.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Shut up, you senile old dumbass. Your Big Red Machine won because they had a team OPS+ of 129 in 1976. You yourself had an OPS+ of 187. Smallball means little, fast, gritty, annoying wastes of roster spots running into tons of outs and costing you runs.
Joe Morgan: Noooo! Dave Concepcion! Uhh…uh…Johnny Bench!
Jon Miller: Oh no, he’s having one of his senile anxiety attacks. Get a medic in here!
Joe Morgan: Sparky Anderson! Big Red Machine! Pete Rose! Tony Perez!
When anybody makes a decent play in the infield:
Joe Morgan: Infield defense is the most important aspect of any team, and that’s what wins ballgames. I think I’ve said this before.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yup, a great infield that can’t hit worth a shit and a pitching staff that gives up 300 HR a year is going to win ballgames.
Joe Morgan: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER PLAYED BASEBALL! George Foster! Ken Griffey!
Jon Miller: Get another medic! And fire this stat guy! Who hired an intelligent, knowledgeable, well-qualified baseball statistician to be in the booth with obstinate, ignorant dumbasses like us?!
Between the 6th and 7th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Dairy Queen? Send over to Fenway Park a large banana split topped with bacon fat. Thanks.
Joe Morgan: Bacon fat as a topping?
Jon Miller: Absolutely, Joe. It’s fantastic. I love fat…just not on my favorite baseball players like Jonny Papelboner. I call him that because his juiced radar gun reading of 98 mph gives me a boner. Heehee!
In the 9th inning
Jon Miller: Well here's Jonathan Papelbon. The pitch...strike on the inside corner. 98 mph...wow! He throws soooo harrrd...
Joe Morgan: This guy is probably the best closer in the game. And he throws really hard.
Jon Miller: The pitch...and another fastball this time on the OUTSIDE corner...another strike! Wow, he's amazing.
Joe Morgan: You see, that's what good pitchers do. They work the ball in and out...
Jon Miller: Kinda like what I'll be doing with him after this game's over, Joe. And the 0-2 pitch to Jeter...and Jeter gets into one to left center...on its way...good bye!
Joe Morgan (crying): .....................
Jon Miller (with mike turned off): Oh no...Papelbon's REALLY going to need some love tonight. Damn you Jeter! Go out tonight and screw all those hot women that want you, you...good baseball player, you!
It might not be this bad, but it'll be pretty close.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Predictions
Now that Giambi is likely done for the year, I thought I'd make some predictions about the future for the Yankees and the players currently on the team:
Carl Pavano will come back from Tommy John Surgery, sign with another team, and win the Cy Young Award with 27 wins, a 1.81 ERA, 1.120 WHIP, and 9.3 K/9 IP. And when he gets into a car accident, he will immediately call the front office.
Jason Giambi will sign with another team and then turn back into the old Oakland version, turning in an OBA of .497 and a SLG of .734. Also, he will start to hit the ball to that other part of the field known as left field to neutralize the shift.
Bobby Abreu, after his .230 OBA/.263 SLG 2007 season, he will sign with another club and rebound. He will draw 158 walks, hit 38 HR, be willing to crash into walls, and actually begin to look like he cares.
Phil Hughes will return from his injury like he never left. He will pitch against the Red Sox and pitch a perfect game through 8 2/3 innings with 20 strikeouts. He will have 2 strikes on that 27th batter, when in the midst of throwing the pitch on the 0-2 count he will sneeze. By sneezing, he will strain his neck and be in such pain that he can't turn it. He will also slip on his follow through and both tear his ACL and twist his ankle Robin Ventura style. To at least look at the bright side, the pitch will be a 107 mph fastball that will defy the laws of physics by hitting the batter Manny Ramirez (if you're wondering why Manny would be hitting 9th, don't bother, it's not as much fun if it's Dustin Pedroia suffering the life-threatening, incredibly painful injury, so just pretend Manny's the #9 hitter) in his face, then seemingly with a life force of its own the ball will go straight down and destroy his genitals. Life will not be all negatives, my fellow Yankee fans.
The Yankees will hire a new strength and conditioning coach. The interview will go as follows:
NYY interviewer: So, congratulations. You are the new strength and conditioning coach for the New York Yankees!
New S&C guy: Thank you, it's an honor.
NYY interviewer: So, what do you need? We have plenty of weight training facilities down in Tampa.
New S&C guy: Nah, no weights.
NYY interviewer: Um, ok. We have lots of stretch cords and runways that players can stretch, run, and do drills on when the other team is taking BP.
New S&C guy: Nah, not interested.
NYY interviewer: Huh. Ok. So what will you have our million dollar athletes doing if you don't need anything?
New S&C guy: Ya got any porno?
NYY interviewer: Uh...well...I think Jaret Wright left some in his locker before we got rid of him. Why?
New S&C guy: Ya got any booze?
NYY interviewer: *absolutely startled now* Uhh...nothing other than the beer we sell for $169 per 20 oz cups. Again, why?
New S&C guy: Put in an order for a bunch of 30 racks. And to answer your question, I'm a firm believer in just chilling before games, you know? Watch some porn, jerk off to it, maybe some actual whores the following afternoon after winning, drink half of a 30 rack instead of stretching, running, taking BP or fielding practice.
NYY interviewer: This sounds revolutionary. I like it. I think I'll entrust an aging team with a $200+ million payroll to you.
I'll come up with more predictions later. My precognitive powers are dwindling and need a rest.
Carl Pavano will come back from Tommy John Surgery, sign with another team, and win the Cy Young Award with 27 wins, a 1.81 ERA, 1.120 WHIP, and 9.3 K/9 IP. And when he gets into a car accident, he will immediately call the front office.
Jason Giambi will sign with another team and then turn back into the old Oakland version, turning in an OBA of .497 and a SLG of .734. Also, he will start to hit the ball to that other part of the field known as left field to neutralize the shift.
Bobby Abreu, after his .230 OBA/.263 SLG 2007 season, he will sign with another club and rebound. He will draw 158 walks, hit 38 HR, be willing to crash into walls, and actually begin to look like he cares.
Phil Hughes will return from his injury like he never left. He will pitch against the Red Sox and pitch a perfect game through 8 2/3 innings with 20 strikeouts. He will have 2 strikes on that 27th batter, when in the midst of throwing the pitch on the 0-2 count he will sneeze. By sneezing, he will strain his neck and be in such pain that he can't turn it. He will also slip on his follow through and both tear his ACL and twist his ankle Robin Ventura style. To at least look at the bright side, the pitch will be a 107 mph fastball that will defy the laws of physics by hitting the batter Manny Ramirez (if you're wondering why Manny would be hitting 9th, don't bother, it's not as much fun if it's Dustin Pedroia suffering the life-threatening, incredibly painful injury, so just pretend Manny's the #9 hitter) in his face, then seemingly with a life force of its own the ball will go straight down and destroy his genitals. Life will not be all negatives, my fellow Yankee fans.
The Yankees will hire a new strength and conditioning coach. The interview will go as follows:
NYY interviewer: So, congratulations. You are the new strength and conditioning coach for the New York Yankees!
New S&C guy: Thank you, it's an honor.
NYY interviewer: So, what do you need? We have plenty of weight training facilities down in Tampa.
New S&C guy: Nah, no weights.
NYY interviewer: Um, ok. We have lots of stretch cords and runways that players can stretch, run, and do drills on when the other team is taking BP.
New S&C guy: Nah, not interested.
NYY interviewer: Huh. Ok. So what will you have our million dollar athletes doing if you don't need anything?
New S&C guy: Ya got any porno?
NYY interviewer: Uh...well...I think Jaret Wright left some in his locker before we got rid of him. Why?
New S&C guy: Ya got any booze?
NYY interviewer: *absolutely startled now* Uhh...nothing other than the beer we sell for $169 per 20 oz cups. Again, why?
New S&C guy: Put in an order for a bunch of 30 racks. And to answer your question, I'm a firm believer in just chilling before games, you know? Watch some porn, jerk off to it, maybe some actual whores the following afternoon after winning, drink half of a 30 rack instead of stretching, running, taking BP or fielding practice.
NYY interviewer: This sounds revolutionary. I like it. I think I'll entrust an aging team with a $200+ million payroll to you.
I'll come up with more predictions later. My precognitive powers are dwindling and need a rest.
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