Friday, June 1, 2007


Now that Giambi is likely done for the year, I thought I'd make some predictions about the future for the Yankees and the players currently on the team:

Carl Pavano will come back from Tommy John Surgery, sign with another team, and win the Cy Young Award with 27 wins, a 1.81 ERA, 1.120 WHIP, and 9.3 K/9 IP. And when he gets into a car accident, he will immediately call the front office.

Jason Giambi will sign with another team and then turn back into the old Oakland version, turning in an OBA of .497 and a SLG of .734. Also, he will start to hit the ball to that other part of the field known as left field to neutralize the shift.

Bobby Abreu, after his .230 OBA/.263 SLG 2007 season, he will sign with another club and rebound. He will draw 158 walks, hit 38 HR, be willing to crash into walls, and actually begin to look like he cares.

Phil Hughes will return from his injury like he never left. He will pitch against the Red Sox and pitch a perfect game through 8 2/3 innings with 20 strikeouts. He will have 2 strikes on that 27th batter, when in the midst of throwing the pitch on the 0-2 count he will sneeze. By sneezing, he will strain his neck and be in such pain that he can't turn it. He will also slip on his follow through and both tear his ACL and twist his ankle Robin Ventura style. To at least look at the bright side, the pitch will be a 107 mph fastball that will defy the laws of physics by hitting the batter Manny Ramirez (if you're wondering why Manny would be hitting 9th, don't bother, it's not as much fun if it's Dustin Pedroia suffering the life-threatening, incredibly painful injury, so just pretend Manny's the #9 hitter) in his face, then seemingly with a life force of its own the ball will go straight down and destroy his genitals. Life will not be all negatives, my fellow Yankee fans.

The Yankees will hire a new strength and conditioning coach. The interview will go as follows:

NYY interviewer: So, congratulations. You are the new strength and conditioning coach for the New York Yankees!
New S&C guy: Thank you, it's an honor.
NYY interviewer: So, what do you need? We have plenty of weight training facilities down in Tampa.
New S&C guy: Nah, no weights.
NYY interviewer: Um, ok. We have lots of stretch cords and runways that players can stretch, run, and do drills on when the other team is taking BP.
New S&C guy: Nah, not interested.
NYY interviewer: Huh. Ok. So what will you have our million dollar athletes doing if you don't need anything?
New S&C guy: Ya got any porno?
NYY interviewer: Uh...well...I think Jaret Wright left some in his locker before we got rid of him. Why?
New S&C guy: Ya got any booze?
NYY interviewer: *absolutely startled now* Uhh...nothing other than the beer we sell for $169 per 20 oz cups. Again, why?
New S&C guy: Put in an order for a bunch of 30 racks. And to answer your question, I'm a firm believer in just chilling before games, you know? Watch some porn, jerk off to it, maybe some actual whores the following afternoon after winning, drink half of a 30 rack instead of stretching, running, taking BP or fielding practice.
NYY interviewer: This sounds revolutionary. I like it. I think I'll entrust an aging team with a $200+ million payroll to you.

I'll come up with more predictions later. My precognitive powers are dwindling and need a rest.

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