Douggy Bombs had to go down to Philly to beat the shit out of Paul Lo Duca, so he handed over to me the task of relating to you the latest in the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball category. Now we all know that Miller and Morgan are totally in love with the Boston Red Sox, but what would happen if the Red Sox's opponents that night also sharpened their pencils? This eternal conundrum that has the world puzzled shall be answered by the omniscient Pwnage of Morons team.
In the first inning
Jose Reyes leads off against Curt Schilling
Jon Miller: Stepping into the batter's box is...Jose Reyes...the all-star caliber shortstop for the New York Mets.
Jon Miller's dick, JonWang: BOYOYOING! Good start to the game already! Mr. Excitement...PENILE EXCITEMENT that is!!! OOO diggity giggity wiggity!
Jon Miller: And on the mound...Curt Schilling. The 40 year old veteran.
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Curty's one of my favorites! Wait...I'm already armed and ready to go for Jose! Hey, JoeSchlong, are you having this same problem?
JoeSchlong: I am, JonWang! We're going both ways, here!
Jon Miller: Here comes the pitch from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh boy, what do I do?
(Reyes fouls it back)
Jon Miller: And fouled back by Reyes.
JonWang: Ohhh! I don't know if I can take a whole game of this!
JoeSchlong: Well, I had fun with both Ortiz AND Papelbon this one time and-
JonWang: You had fun with Papelbon?!
JoeSchlong: Oh shit...
JonWang: I can't believe you'd betray me like that!!!
JoeSclong: But it's not my fault, BLOWell (Mike Lowell's dick) was off doing the Green Monster! I needed something!
JonWang: I guess I can understand that. We can share.
Jon Miller: Here's the 0-1 dealing from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh the suspence, what could happen?!
(Reyes bloops one into rightcenter field)
Jon Miller: And Reyes drives one into rightcenter, Coco Crisp will not get there...this ball will roll into the triangle! Reyes is already rounding second and he'll get to third easily! A leadoff triple by Jose Reyes!!!
JonWang: I'm so sorry, Curty, but Jose beat you to it...(does his thing, which is just too revoltingly gross for this blog)
JoeSchlong: I'm with JonWang, Curt. You'll have to earn your chance...(emulates JonWang)
Joe Morgan: Now, you see what happened there. Jose Reyes is just incredible. That's all that you can say.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) A man who played 20 years in the big leagues watches a guy bloop one to rightcenter that gets misplayed and all he can say is that the guy who bloops one to rightcenter that gets misplayed is incredible? (out loud) Why is that so incredible, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, it's because...oh no, it's you! Dave Concepcion! Pedro Borbon!
Jon Miller: Get him a medic!!! Hey...don't I know you from someplace?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Shit...he remembers me. Oh wait, he's senile. He doesn't really remember me. But just to make sure, I know what I'll do. (out loud) Hey, look! Jose is adjusting his cup!
Jon Miller: WHERE?! WHERE?!
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Boy am I getting a lot of action tonight!
Joe Morgan: Davey Lopes!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: He was never even on the Big Red Machine.
Joe Morgan: Jose Reyes! Balls! In my mouth!
(Medic arrives, suppresses Joe's senile anxiety attack)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ohhhhh, boy...as if the semen stains on his pants he gets during telecasts weren't enough to prove he has a thing for Mr. Reyes
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