SNY Broadcast

Douggy Bombs will soon bring you a report regarding the latest broadcast of Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, so B.A. figured he’d bring you the latest gems from Mets broadcasting great Gary Cohen alongside Keith Hernandez:

Gary Cohen: And here’s Jose Reyes to lead off the game. Boy, I tell ya, this kid adds so much excitement to a game. He’s so much fun to watch. I mean, aren’t you excited watching him? Look at him! He’s wiggling the bat!!! Even his batting stance is exciting!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back (to himself): This dumbass said the same thing about Timo Perez. Ugh, come on, man. Try your best not to go apeshit on him.
Gary Cohen: And Reyes drives one in the air deep down the right field line!!! Abreu will look up and it’s OUTTA HEEERRREE!!!! JOSE REYES GOES DEEP OFF ROGER CLEMENS!!! OH MY GOD!!! What an amazing piece of hitting!
Keith Hernandez: That’s purely a mistake on Clemens’ part. Look at where Posada set up for this pitch, and now look where it ended up. Every hitter loves a hanging curveball and a major league hitter will kill you on it every time.
Gary Cohen: That’s a huuuuge hit by Reyes. This kid can do everything!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back (to himself): Ohhhh man would I like to hang both Reyes and Cohen by their tiny dicks using crucifixion sized nails…
Keith Hernandez: For Reyes, that’s his first extra-base hit since his last misplayed single that turned into a triple 6 weeks ago, and his first home run in two months.

Gary Cohen: And up steps ARod, and Perez deals. Swung on and hit in the air to left center, Beltran will look up…and it’s outta here…
Keith Hernandez: Holy Cow! Alex Rodriguez drilled that pitch for a loooonngg 3 run homer. Did you see where that landed?!
Gary Cohen: Yeah, decent shot…
Keith Hernandez: That ball went well into the left centerfield bleachers! That’s about 500 feet away!
Gary Cohen: I know…I just saw it myself. (irritable tone) Not quite as far as Reyes’s shot but it was decent.
Keith Hernandez: Um, Reyes’s shot scraped the back of the wall by the 314 ft sign.
Gary Cohen: I DON’T CARE! I LOVED IT! IT WAS AMAZING AND EXCITING!!!
Keith Hernandez: Woah, easy there, Gary…wait, why are you still watching replays of Reyes’s homer? That was 5 innings ago and he’s not due up for another…wait a minute…Oh my God, is that a boner??!! You get a hard-on by watching Jose Reyes hit a 315 foot solo home run off a hanging curveball?!
Gary Cohen: YES!!! I CONFESS!!! I can’t help it!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Gary Cohen: WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT??? FIRE HIM!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Fire me? HA as ARod would say. You’re the one who should be fired. I’m not the one waxing my carrot to Mets highlights during a telecast…(to himself) Fuck abstaining from pwnage! Nothing beats pwning morons!
(Gary Cohen starts crying)
Keith Hernandez: Awwwww, Gary…if I get you into the locker room so you can suck Reyes off, will that make you feel better?
Gary Cohen: (tears stop falling and eyes light up, starts jumping up and down like a little kid) YES! YES!
Keith Hernandez: Yeah, I hear Morgan gets Miller into the locker room to shower with Papelbon, so I figure it wouldn’t be too hard to give you a chance to blow Reyes. (to himself) Just as long as he doesn’t start blowing me…I mean, I like getting sucked off by people…I’m Keith Hernandez…I’m God…but this guy takes it to another level. I didn’t think I’d be the owner of a dick after he was through blowing me last time.)

And this was a relatively mellow night for Gary…