Thursday, June 14, 2007

WFAN greatest moments voted on by nobody but Met weenies

This is WFAN’s 20th anniversary this year. They were launched July 1, 1987, so up until June 22, people can vote for their favorite sports moments since that time. My brother K.A. (Kick Ass, that’s right, I’m Bad Attitude Baracus and my brotha’s name’s Kick Ass Baracus, you got a problem wit dat, sucka?!) as I was driving Hannibal, Face and Murdock away from Colonel Decker, told me what some of the moments were as of yesterday. Not positive, but I believe these were the top five without being sure of the order:

1. Rangers Stanley Cup, which was definitely number 1
2. Mike Piazza’s HR the first game back at Shea after 9/11 (you gotta be kidding me, this is in the top 20, let alone the top 5?!)
3. Red Sox come back from 3-0 to beat the Yankees in 2004 (what a shock, paucity of Yankees fans voting, probably because they’re at work, and a litany of votes from vindictive asshole Mets fans who have nothing better to do all day other than whack off with Gary Cohen to 1986 Mets highlights on SNY in their parents’ house somewhere in Schmuck Village, Queens)
4. Yankees beat Braves in 1996 to win the World Series (if there was one Yankees World Series win Mets fans would have voted for, it makes sense that it’d be this one because it was at the expense of the despised Braves
5. I’m not positive, but I think Mets winning 2000 NLCS was in there too, not positive

Since this station is listened to mostly by third-rate dumbass Mets fans, the results are not surprising. In fact, I think I’m going to come up with a list of moments, both past and present, that they would probably love. In no particular order:

Greatest Moments in Mets’ history:

1. Mike Piazza bleaches his hair
2. Mets sign Mo Vaughn
3. Mets trade Scott Kazmir
4. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 14 year old girl
5. Pat Burrell hits his 947th career HR against the Mets
6. Mike Piazza falls in love at first site with Sam Champion
7. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 14 year 5 month old girl (he figured he’d violate an older woman this time)
8. Mike Piazza buys a house in Fire Island with Sam Champion
9. Omar Minaya shows what a genius GM he is when he signs Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez both for over $693 zillion over 40 years
10. Mets successfully sign ARod, who earns 3 NL MVP awards and proceeds to help them win 2 World Series
11. Derek Jeter pwns them in Games 4 and 5 of the 2000 World Series with a leadoff homer and a triple in Game 4, and a game-tying bomb off Leiter in Game 5
12. Paul Lo Duca rapes a 17 year old girl (he’s getting closer!)
13. Dwight Gooden pitches a no-hitter…but awwwww…for the Yankees, not the Mets. Still without a no-no.
14. David Cone pitches a perfect game…but once again, not with the Mets...
15. Paul Lo Duca fantasizes about raping a 17 year 7 month old girl when he attends a Saturday night Molloy high school dance posing as chaperone but can’t pull the trigger because he didn’t have his entourage around to kidnap her
16. Carlos Beltran hits a 3-run, series-winning double off the right-centerfield wall against Adam Wainwright in the 9th inning of the 2006 NLCS Game 7…it gives Mets’ fans goosebumps to this day and will continue to for years to come.
17. Timo Perez scores from 1st on a double by Todd Zeile in 2000 WS Game 1 by maximizing effort and exercising good judgment, like running hard on contact when there are two outs and not ceasing to hustle until an umpire signals home run.
18. Nolan Ryan throws 7 no-hitters…none with the Mets.
19. Paul Lo Duca divorces his unbelievably hot, mid-30s-but-will-still-be-gorgeous-when-she’s-50 former Playboy star wife (which explains why he got her, she’s a stupid slut) so he can continue raping 7th graders at after-school programs with his entourage’s help
20. The Mets do a three-peat…oh wait that was the Yankees, nevermind.

Uh oh, Decka's comin' again. HANNIBAL! I'MA KILL YOU FOO! I'll have to get back to y'all lata.

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