Red Sox-Yankees!!! 2008!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

You might remember some of this stuff from the summer. However, I'm going to change it up a bit. Y'all are in for a real treat! In the booth, we have Joe Morgan, Tim McCarver, and Peter Gammons! And of course...Smart Stat Guy in the Back.

In the top of the first inning
Joe Morgan: Alright, let's get underway! Red Sox-Yankees at Yankee Stadium! Doesn't get any better than this. Leading off is Dustin Pedroia to face Andy Pettitte.
Tim McCarver: I don't think anyone embodies attitude of the Red Sox more than Dustin Pedroia. He's a little man, but he's huge at heart. The little, big man. He literally scrapes and claws his way to success, just like the Red Sox always do. He's an everyman, just like the rest of the team and all of their loyal fans.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (on the phone) Can I get the janitor in here right away? I just puked.
Joe Morgan: I couldn't agree with you more, Jon.
Tim McCarver: Tim.
Joe Morgan: Right. Thanks, Jon. What do you think, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Joe Morgan: My thoughts exactly, Peter.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Though it has been tough for Dustin, and the entire Red Sox team, since Jack Bauer, formerly of the Los Angeles CTU, was apparently bored with no terrorists to castrate and proceded to use the Green Monster and the John Hancock sign as bazooka target practice. The Red Sox have been forced to play in Yellowstone as their home field. The offense has suffered, particularly Dustin and his interstate batting and slugging average-
Joe Morgan: You be quiet! Anyway, here's the pitch...
(Pedroia loads up...his bat wrapped so far behind him it's over his front shoulder, then let's loose...with all his might...as Pettitte releases his cutter...)
Joe Morgan: And Dustin really gets a hold of one! Man, I didn't know such a little guy like him could have so much pop!
(It's a pop-up that A-Rod catches just in front of the Red Sox dugout.)
Bob Sheppard: (takes a swig of whiskey) Sorry, Dustin...those balls do not go out of play...at Yankee Stadium. And just to remind you...Fenway Park...is now gone. Sit down...you lilliputian...piece of shit.
(Pedroia cries for the first time, tonight.)

In the bottom of the first
Tim McCarver: Well, so far this inning. We've seen Damon flyout, Jeter double, and Abreu walk. You almost never see Josh Beckett in trouble. He's a tough man to fluster. He's got such a great fastball. He's got such a great beard. His hair is so well-kempt. He-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: has a huge penis...
Tim McCarver: How'd you know I was gonna say that?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hunch...
Joe Morgan: Wow, our stat guy here is quite bulimic, wouldn't you agree, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: What and What?!
Peter Gammons: Rob Neyer's a meanie for not voting for Jim Rice!
Joe Morgan: Why you can read minds, right? That means you're bulimic. You see I have an extensive vocabulary. You see, I learned that...in a book. Here's the 2-0 pitch to A-Rod...
(A-Rod sends Beckett's fastball to Burnside Avenue.)
Tim McCarver: And man, did A-Rod show some bulimia there! Beckett practically told him what was coming!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: It's actually fun to watch 3 idiots call a game. For a little while, that is....
Josh Beckett: Maybe I shouldn't have spent my entire offseason eating full racks of ribs and drinking Milwaukee's Best...

In the bottom of the second inning
Joe Morgan: And it looks like Josh Beckett's night is done. He's given up a grand slam to Derek Jeter, a three run homer to Robinson Cano, a two run homer to Melky Cabrera, and then a solo shot by Johnny Damon in this inning alone.

In the bottom of the second inning (1 hour later)
Tim McCarver: Well, Francona's calling for Javier Lopez, the last pitcher in his bullpen, to try and finish this inning. Robinson Cano has already hit three home runs this inning, Derek Jeter and A-Rod both have two, and Shelley Duncan has hit one of his own as well since Beckett's been pulled. There really isn't much to be said except that-
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.

In the bottom of the second inning (2 hours later)
Joe Morgan: It looks like their right fielder is coming in to pitch. Who is that guy?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: JD Drew.
Joe Morgan: I've never heard of him. He's on the Red Sox? I always thought the Red Sox were Papelbon, Schilling, Beckett, DiceK, Manny, Papi, Pedroia, Varitek, Papelbon, Nomar, Pedro, Papelbon, Damon, Manny, Pedroia, and Papi.
Peter Gammons: And Jim Rice.
Joe Morgan: Oh yeah, him too. And Papi.

In the bottom of the second inning (3 hours later)
Tim McCarver: There's a groundball to Pedroia...it might FINALLY be over! The poor Red Sox may have FINALLY overcome the great odds that are always stacked against them. Now watch Pedroia overcome such a detrimental lack of size as he fields that heavy, heavy five ounce ball. Uh oh, he's bobbling, no he's got it! Now, here comes the throw! Oh look at him wind up for that 35 foot throw! And he launches it!
(Throw shorthops Youkilis who cannot scoop it, Giambi has reached base. The Yankees score again. Pedroia cries for the second time, tonight.)

In the top of the fifth inning
Joe Morgan: Well here's Mike Lowell, hoping to break up Pettitte's perfect game. Mike Lowell may only be hitting .062, but he's still an amazing hitter. And he's clutch. You can hit .300 and be bad. But if you hit .062 and you're clutch, I'll take you anyday. Here's the pitch.
(Lowell makes contact. Translation: Lowell hits a lazy flyball to left field. Damon camps under it and makes the catch.)
Mike Lowell: Theo, this wasn't a part of our deal! I can't be expected to hit well in a ballpark of normal dimensions!
Dustin Pedroia: I know, right?! It's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrrrrrr!!!
(Dustin cries for the third time, tonight.)

In the bottom of the fifth
Joe Morgan: Well, it's looking like there will be no bottom of the fifth inning. They're calling the mercy rule! The Yankees are leading by 3,000 runs, so they get to win. That's cheating in my opinion, not giving the Red Sox a chance to overcome the odds. Don't you agree, Tim?
Tim McCarver: I totally agree, Joe. The poor Red Sox are being robbed of a win against the Evil Umpire Yankees. What's your take, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I disagree.
Peter Gammons: Why???? Because he doesn't have a great OPS??? Because his stats aren't good enough??? Because he wasn't consistently dominant for a long enough time???
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ummmm...yeah.
Peter Gammons: You and Rob Neyer and...your stat stuff! I don't care that his career OPS is comparable to Ellis Burks! He was in the top 5 in MVP balloting 6 times!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: David Cone made the top 5 in Cy Young balloting 4 times and was 6th once. Is he a Hall of Famer?
Peter Gammons: No, never, no way. No chance in hell. His career ERA is only 3.46 and he only won 194 games in his career. He wasn't consistently dominant for long enough. His-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Stats aren't good enough? I thought you didn't care about stats?
Peter Gammons (stammering): Yeah, but...but...stats and OPS don't define Jimmy Ricecakes. He transcends all stats and numbers. He's a Hall of Famer. But he's never going to make it because of all you stat meanies! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I'm outta here. Time to go find that hot bartender for some more free drinks. I'd take the electric chair over listening to 2 idiots and Jim Rice's boyfriend.

Tim McCarver is still never right

During today's Dodgers-Mets game:

David Wright is one of the best 2 strike hitters in the National League.

Really?

David Wright (2007)
0-2 count: .128/.150/.205 in 39 AB
1-2 count: .070/.086/.088 in 57 AB
2-2 count: .160/.169/.240 in 75 AB
3-2 count: .375/.615/.750 in 56 AB

He's been great in full counts. Sucks in every other count. McCarver truly is the legendary man who is never right.

Introducing the legendary man who is never right

I present to you...Tim McCarver, my friends.

Joe Buck: Well, runner on second, Lugo, and nobody out. It looks as if Lugo’s looking at the third base coach for signs. Do you think they're going to bunt? Or could they be thinking of trying to steal third with nobody out? What do you think Tim?
Tim McCarver: Well, you see. I think that stealing third base here would be an incredibly smart play. The defense definitely wouldn’t be thinking of it. And that way all you need is a fly ball to score a run.
Joe Buck: And here’s the pitch from Wang…Lugo’s going! Posada’s throw is…in time, Lugo is gone.
Tim McCarver: And that is exactly…exactly why you do not try to steal third base with no one out. You’re already in scoring position! What is he thinking?
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): Oh my God…

Joe Buck: And here’s Wil Nieves to bat here with one out and nobody on.
Tim McCarver: Interesting to note, Joe. Wil Nieves…has never…NEVER…hit a Major League home run. I personally don’t see him doing it.
Joe Buck: And Nieves rips one down the left field line, Manny will look up and this ball is gone! Wil Nieves with his first Major League home run.
Tim McCarver: You see, Wil Nieves doesn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to play, but he has pop in that bat! I don’t understand why Joe Torre doesn’t play him everyday.
Smart Stat guy in the back: They have Jorge Posada, you fucking retard with a Southern drawl to make you sound dumber, who’s OPSing .980.
Tim McCarver: But I know what I'm talking about! I caught Bob Gibson! I caught Steve Carlton!
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, that has an incredible amount of relevance here. Though I guess you do know something about baserunning, like running past the guy on first base when you hit a grand slam. "Sheer speed" you called it? How about "sheer imbecility"...
Tim McCarver: Fire that man!!!
Smart Stat guy in the back (thinking to himself): Not again...

Joe Buck: Well, Tim, I wonder, as ARod steps in to face Papelbon, if Papelbon is not still thinking of that home run that he gave up to ARod back on June 3rd earlier this season.
Tim McCarver (in his Southern drawl): There is no way…absolutely…no way…that Papelbon is going to approach ARod timidly or any differently than he would had he not given up that home run. Papelbon is a tough man to rattle. He is an unbelievably great closer. He throws unbelievably hard. He has a huge penis. He is a God among men. He can mix oil and water and walk on both. He–
Joe Buck (with mike turned off): You can stop licking his package now, Tim. Everybody gets the point. (turns mike back on) And ARod launches one deep to left-center…track…wall…monument park! Yankees win! And Papelbon walks off the mound…it looks like he’s crying. Francona is coming out with a pacifier and a new pair of underwear, the latter necessary as evidenced by the brownish stain on Papelbon’s rear end.
Tim McCarver: You see, that’s exactly why Papelbon should have given ARod a different look, maybe changed his approach. There is no way you can allow yourself to get burned twice like that by the same guy. And look at that! He’s rattled! I always knew he didn’t have what it took to be a closer.
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): I envy dad…solely because he’s dead and doesn’t have to sit next to this third rate dumbass whose IQ is inversely proportional to his incoherence.