I thought I'd write a post to express my absolute delight that Jon Miller and Joe Morgan will be broadcasting tomorrow night's Red Sox-Yankees game. Here are some of the conversations I expect in tomorrow night's game:
In the 1st inning:
Jon Miller: Well, up steps the hot-hitting Kevin Youkilis. It’s funny, Joe. I recently read Moneyball, which was written by Michael Lewis, and there’s practically a whole chapter about Youkilis in it.
Joe Morgan: Well, quite frankly, Jon, I don’t think that Billy Beane should have written Moneyball. I think it’s a very bad book that shouldn’t have been written.
Jon Miller: Have you read the book, which was written by Michael Lewis?
Joe Morgan: No, I haven’t. As I’ve said before, I don’t read stuff that Billy Beane writes.
Jon Miller: Well you’re an illiterate imbecile and you don’t read period, so I’m not surprised.
Joe Morgan: Are you still mad about my calling you fat two weeks ago when we were tossing David Wright’s salad after his HR?
Jon Miller: Yes I am, Joe! That was totally uncalled for and you made me feel so unattractive.
Joe Morgan: I apologize, and to make up for it I’ll get you into the locker room so you can shower with Papelbon.
Jon Miller: You’re such a sweetheart, Joe.
Between the 3rd and 4th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery. I’d like the mega-size bacon cheeseburger pizza with a side of lard. Thanks.
(dials another number)
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Outback Steakhouse? I’d like an incredibly rare New York Strip, with the Aussie Cheese Fries, Chicken Strips, and the discarded fat from other people’s entrees. Send it to Fenway Park. You know? That ginormous-green-eyesore-ought-to-be-dynamited-piece-of-shit? Thanks.
When Coco Crisp or Julio Lugo steals a base:
Joe Morgan: You see, it’s stolen bases and smart decisions on the basepaths that win ballgames. Smallball is a very underrated strategy.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, it’s called Smallball because the people who use it are dipshits with small balls.
Joe Morgan: What are you talking about?! Smallball wins championships! I would know because of my days with the Big Red Machine.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Shut up, you senile old dumbass. Your Big Red Machine won because they had a team OPS+ of 129 in 1976. You yourself had an OPS+ of 187. Smallball means little, fast, gritty, annoying wastes of roster spots running into tons of outs and costing you runs.
Joe Morgan: Noooo! Dave Concepcion! Uhh…uh…Johnny Bench!
Jon Miller: Oh no, he’s having one of his senile anxiety attacks. Get a medic in here!
Joe Morgan: Sparky Anderson! Big Red Machine! Pete Rose! Tony Perez!
When anybody makes a decent play in the infield:
Joe Morgan: Infield defense is the most important aspect of any team, and that’s what wins ballgames. I think I’ve said this before.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yup, a great infield that can’t hit worth a shit and a pitching staff that gives up 300 HR a year is going to win ballgames.
Joe Morgan: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER PLAYED BASEBALL! George Foster! Ken Griffey!
Jon Miller: Get another medic! And fire this stat guy! Who hired an intelligent, knowledgeable, well-qualified baseball statistician to be in the booth with obstinate, ignorant dumbasses like us?!
Between the 6th and 7th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Dairy Queen? Send over to Fenway Park a large banana split topped with bacon fat. Thanks.
Joe Morgan: Bacon fat as a topping?
Jon Miller: Absolutely, Joe. It’s fantastic. I love fat…just not on my favorite baseball players like Jonny Papelboner. I call him that because his juiced radar gun reading of 98 mph gives me a boner. Heehee!
In the 9th inning
Jon Miller: Well here's Jonathan Papelbon. The pitch...strike on the inside corner. 98 mph...wow! He throws soooo harrrd...
Joe Morgan: This guy is probably the best closer in the game. And he throws really hard.
Jon Miller: The pitch...and another fastball this time on the OUTSIDE corner...another strike! Wow, he's amazing.
Joe Morgan: You see, that's what good pitchers do. They work the ball in and out...
Jon Miller: Kinda like what I'll be doing with him after this game's over, Joe. And the 0-2 pitch to Jeter...and Jeter gets into one to left center...on its way...good bye!
Joe Morgan (crying): .....................
Jon Miller (with mike turned off): Oh no...Papelbon's REALLY going to need some love tonight. Damn you Jeter! Go out tonight and screw all those hot women that want you, you...good baseball player, you!
It might not be this bad, but it'll be pretty close.
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