Orgasmic Edition of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: New York Mets versus Boston Red Sox, Part Two

B.A. brings you Part Two.

In the middle innings
Jon Miller: Hello, Sizzler? Bring me the Burettes seasoned steak, very rare, with a side of fat from all of the cleaned raw chicken?
Joe Morgan: (whispering to himself) With all this fat that he eats, I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Wow, Joe Morgan is right, for once. I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick either.
JonWang: I don't think Jon's ever seen me. That makes me sad. Oh wait, David Ortiz is leading off this inning! BOYOYOYOYOING!
Joe Morgan: Jon, what is Burettes seasoned steak?
Jon Miller: Burettes is French for testicles.
Joe Morgan: Delicioso.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: That's Spanish, you dumbass.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: But I think the raw chicken fat's bad for you.
Jon Miller: Typhoid fever and food poisoning can't keep a man like me from fully enjoying the life-shortening fatty substances. Besides, I like fevers because they give me an excuse to go to the doctor for rectal thermometer readings.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: Alright, if you say so...
Jon Miller: Oh and by the way, got any bacon fat?

In the 9th inning
David Wright faces Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Miller: And...Dave...Wrightballs...in to face...Jonny...Pappyschlong...uhhh...
Joe Morgan: Are you alright there, Jon? You sound drunk.
Jon Miller: Alex Rodriguez said HA!
Joe Morgan: Huh?
Jon Miller: Man, Okajima's got a great Japanese ass.
Joe Morgan: Wow, Jon, you're not drunk. I think you're getting that fever stuff that you were talking about. I can feel your fever from over here. I'll do the play-by-play for you. (thinking to himself) HAHAHAHA! Papelbon's all MINE tonight! Share my ass...
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hey, can we get a crane to lift Jon out of this booth? The fever chills are shaking this entire ballpark because Jon Miller's weight has the same order of magnitude as the entire earth and because Fenway's a dilapidated hunk of crap.
(crane comes, lifts Jon Miller up, knocks over some lights in the process and kills a bunch of Red Sox fans, including Ben Affleck)
Random Hysterical Woman: OH MY GOD! HEEEEE'S DEAD!!!!!!
(back in the broadcaster's booth)
Joe Morgan: Alright, so here we go. It's David Wright versus Jonathan Papelbon. Here comes the pitch from the intense, amazing, very genitally blessed, handsome closer.
(David Wright smashes a 94 mph fastball over the Monster seats)
Joe Morgan: And David Wright absolutely puts a charge into this pitch to leftcenter. Nooo doubt about this one!
JoeSchlong: Man, he had me all ready for Papelbon and now I gotta try getting off to David Wright? He's too...normal and not annoying and actually good and probably to some degree underrated. I've gotten off to him before, but...that was against the Yankees. I can't get off to him at Pappy's expense! It's not right! Even I live by a moral code.
Joe Morgan: And oh man, look at this. Jonathan's lying on the mound...kicking like an infant! He's crying, too! And...oh my God, his uniform is totally soiled on the back with yellow streaks down the front of his pants!!! Oh, poor Jonny!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Looks like you're going to have a tough time with Papelbon tonight considering he's swimming in a pool of his own shit and piss.
Joe Morgan: Damn...
(Morgan leaves because he's depressed)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Alright, I guess this is my show now. (grabs mike and flicks switch so microphone input goes into PA system) BOSTON SUCKS, YOU FAGGOTS.
(Boston crowd erupts into a riot because they're all stupid fucks and everyone kills each other)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I believe my work is done here. It may be time to go out on a high note and retire...NOT.

Oh what a night.

Anyway. Very happy to see Jack Bauer back in action on the blog. As everyone knows from watching 24, when Jack Bauer isn't fucking you up, he's analyzing basketball with insight the common Washington D.C. professional killer could never dream of. Be on the lookout for B.A. Baracus's rant about that pointless, who-jerks-off-to-you-the-most popularity contest known as All-Star voting very soon.

Orgasmic Edition of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: New York Mets versus Boston Red Sox, Part One

Douggy Bombs had to go down to Philly to beat the shit out of Paul Lo Duca, so he handed over to me the task of relating to you the latest in the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball category. Now we all know that Miller and Morgan are totally in love with the Boston Red Sox, but what would happen if the Red Sox's opponents that night also sharpened their pencils? This eternal conundrum that has the world puzzled shall be answered by the omniscient Pwnage of Morons team.

In the first inning
Jose Reyes leads off against Curt Schilling

Jon Miller: Stepping into the batter's box is...Jose Reyes...the all-star caliber shortstop for the New York Mets.
Jon Miller's dick, JonWang: BOYOYOING! Good start to the game already! Mr. Excitement...PENILE EXCITEMENT that is!!! OOO diggity giggity wiggity!
Jon Miller: And on the mound...Curt Schilling. The 40 year old veteran.
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Curty's one of my favorites! Wait...I'm already armed and ready to go for Jose! Hey, JoeSchlong, are you having this same problem?
JoeSchlong: I am, JonWang! We're going both ways, here!
Jon Miller: Here comes the pitch from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh boy, what do I do?
(Reyes fouls it back)
Jon Miller: And fouled back by Reyes.
JonWang: Ohhh! I don't know if I can take a whole game of this!
JoeSchlong: Well, I had fun with both Ortiz AND Papelbon this one time and-
JonWang: You had fun with Papelbon?!
JoeSchlong: Oh shit...
JonWang: I can't believe you'd betray me like that!!!
JoeSclong: But it's not my fault, BLOWell (Mike Lowell's dick) was off doing the Green Monster! I needed something!
JonWang: I guess I can understand that. We can share.
Jon Miller: Here's the 0-1 dealing from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh the suspence, what could happen?!
(Reyes bloops one into rightcenter field)
Jon Miller: And Reyes drives one into rightcenter, Coco Crisp will not get there...this ball will roll into the triangle! Reyes is already rounding second and he'll get to third easily! A leadoff triple by Jose Reyes!!!
JonWang: I'm so sorry, Curty, but Jose beat you to it...(does his thing, which is just too revoltingly gross for this blog)
JoeSchlong: I'm with JonWang, Curt. You'll have to earn your chance...(emulates JonWang)
Joe Morgan: Now, you see what happened there. Jose Reyes is just incredible. That's all that you can say.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) A man who played 20 years in the big leagues watches a guy bloop one to rightcenter that gets misplayed and all he can say is that the guy who bloops one to rightcenter that gets misplayed is incredible? (out loud) Why is that so incredible, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, it's because...oh no, it's you! Dave Concepcion! Pedro Borbon!
Jon Miller: Get him a medic!!! Hey...don't I know you from someplace?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Shit...he remembers me. Oh wait, he's senile. He doesn't really remember me. But just to make sure, I know what I'll do. (out loud) Hey, look! Jose is adjusting his cup!
Jon Miller: WHERE?! WHERE?!
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Boy am I getting a lot of action tonight!
Joe Morgan: Davey Lopes!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: He was never even on the Big Red Machine.
Joe Morgan: Jose Reyes! Balls! In my mouth!
(Medic arrives, suppresses Joe's senile anxiety attack)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ohhhhh, boy...as if the semen stains on his pants he gets during telecasts weren't enough to prove he has a thing for Mr. Reyes