Sunday, June 10, 2007

Introducing the legendary man who is never right

I present to you...Tim McCarver, my friends.

Joe Buck: Well, runner on second, Lugo, and nobody out. It looks as if Lugo’s looking at the third base coach for signs. Do you think they're going to bunt? Or could they be thinking of trying to steal third with nobody out? What do you think Tim?
Tim McCarver: Well, you see. I think that stealing third base here would be an incredibly smart play. The defense definitely wouldn’t be thinking of it. And that way all you need is a fly ball to score a run.
Joe Buck: And here’s the pitch from Wang…Lugo’s going! Posada’s throw is…in time, Lugo is gone.
Tim McCarver: And that is exactly…exactly why you do not try to steal third base with no one out. You’re already in scoring position! What is he thinking?
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): Oh my God…

Joe Buck: And here’s Wil Nieves to bat here with one out and nobody on.
Tim McCarver: Interesting to note, Joe. Wil Nieves…has never…NEVER…hit a Major League home run. I personally don’t see him doing it.
Joe Buck: And Nieves rips one down the left field line, Manny will look up and this ball is gone! Wil Nieves with his first Major League home run.
Tim McCarver: You see, Wil Nieves doesn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to play, but he has pop in that bat! I don’t understand why Joe Torre doesn’t play him everyday.
Smart Stat guy in the back: They have Jorge Posada, you fucking retard with a Southern drawl to make you sound dumber, who’s OPSing .980.
Tim McCarver: But I know what I'm talking about! I caught Bob Gibson! I caught Steve Carlton!
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, that has an incredible amount of relevance here. Though I guess you do know something about baserunning, like running past the guy on first base when you hit a grand slam. "Sheer speed" you called it? How about "sheer imbecility"...
Tim McCarver: Fire that man!!!
Smart Stat guy in the back (thinking to himself): Not again...

Joe Buck: Well, Tim, I wonder, as ARod steps in to face Papelbon, if Papelbon is not still thinking of that home run that he gave up to ARod back on June 3rd earlier this season.
Tim McCarver (in his Southern drawl): There is no way…absolutely…no way…that Papelbon is going to approach ARod timidly or any differently than he would had he not given up that home run. Papelbon is a tough man to rattle. He is an unbelievably great closer. He throws unbelievably hard. He has a huge penis. He is a God among men. He can mix oil and water and walk on both. He–
Joe Buck (with mike turned off): You can stop licking his package now, Tim. Everybody gets the point. (turns mike back on) And ARod launches one deep to left-center…track…wall…monument park! Yankees win! And Papelbon walks off the mound…it looks like he’s crying. Francona is coming out with a pacifier and a new pair of underwear, the latter necessary as evidenced by the brownish stain on Papelbon’s rear end.
Tim McCarver: You see, that’s exactly why Papelbon should have given ARod a different look, maybe changed his approach. There is no way you can allow yourself to get burned twice like that by the same guy. And look at that! He’s rattled! I always knew he didn’t have what it took to be a closer.
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): I envy dad…solely because he’s dead and doesn’t have to sit next to this third rate dumbass whose IQ is inversely proportional to his incoherence.

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