Tonight it's going to be slightly different. I'm going to write the commentary by Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, while I add the commentary (edited for content since this is assuming it would go on TV) of Douggy Bombs (he was talking to me in between fielding grounders, liners, concrete blocks, and tactical nuclear weapons), Jack Bauer, and myself, B.A. Baracus, right below. So enjoy.
In the first inning
Jon Miller: And there's a base hit into left field by Mike Lowell! Here comes Ellsbury! He scores! 1-0 Boston!
Joe Morgan: That's just great hitting right there, Jon. Mike Lowell is such an amazing hitter. The Red Sox should totally re-sign him for a 4 year deal worth $60 million.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I can't believe I am saying this, but...please listen to Joe, Epstein, you fucking pretty boy weenie. PLEASE...
Jon Miller: Totally agree, Joe. You'd know better than anyone else considering how deep your relationship with Mike Lowell is.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (runs and steals mike) That's what SHE said!
Jon Miller: Get outta here, you!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Sorry, it was totally worth it and I couldn't pass it up.
Jon Miller: I'll give you that. Anyway...oh hold on a second...(turns Mike off as he picks up his phone) Hello? Oh great! I'll send someone down for it now. (hangs up) My philly-cheesesteak-bratwurst-oreo-banana split pizza's here! WEEEEE!!!
Douggy Bombs: Mike Lowell can go [bad word] himself, that [bad word]ing piece of overachieving [poop].
B.A. Baracus: Yeah, good play to minimize the damage though.
Douggy Bombs: Thanks, that's not as good as the show I put on in BP. I was launching balls out of Fenway with a telephone pole.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!!! I KNEW someone took one of my condoms!!!
Douggy Bombs: Oh, damn. Sorry dude, I thought it was mine. If you want to use my live rattle snake, go ahead. Just make sure you give that mother[love maker] a good cleaning before you give it back.
Jack Bauer: Thanks, man. Anyway, don't let me hold you up. Get up to bat and kick some ass.
Douggy Bombs: Will do.
In the 5th inning
Jon Miller: And there's a drive to deep left! And......it's tied! Robinson Cano with a drive...over the wall in left. His 18th of the year. And this ballgame is tied.
Joe Morgan: The ball just jumps off his bat, Jon. Cano swings an explosive stick.
Jon Miller: Pfffffff fff fff fff fff!!!!!!
Joe Morgan: What's so funny?
Jon Miller: Well, you know..."explosive stick"?
Joe Morgan: I don't get it.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Your broadcasting career in one sentence.
Douggy Bombs: Wow, Robby likes to go oppo on Schilling.
B.A. Baracus: I know, that's the third time he's done that off him this year.
Jack Bauer: I just hope next time Cano lines one off Schilling's fat face next time.
Douggy Bombs: I'm on deck, dude. I'll take care of it.
Jack Bauer: True dat.
B.A. Baracus: Look at these fans. They're [adjective] retards. If you were to put the guys in Red Sox uniforms, I wouldn't be able to distinguish between those stupid [nouns] and like, Eric Hinske. And listen to them. They're chanting "Yankees suck" after Cano [adverb] ties the game with a home run.
Douggy Bombs: I'll take care of this. (to crowd) Hey, douchebags. I stole back the ball from the last out of the '04 World Series, had Shelley Duncan write "Red Sox suck" on it, wiped my ass with it, let my pet rhino drop a [numero dos] on it, then self-hit it into the Atlantic Ocean.
(crowd exits ballpark in a frenzy, storms into Atlantic Ocean, and they all drown)
Douggy Bombs: That good enough for ya, guys?
B.A. Baracus and Jack Bauer: That was awesome.
Showing posts with label ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Show all posts
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball Episode 4!!!! Some classic Joe Morgan color commentary!! WEEEEEE!!!!
My inspiration from the Sunday Night game yesterday:
Using your fastball to set up your other pitches. That's real Braves-style pitching.
That was all I needed. Let's do this shit.
In the first inning
Jon Miller: Well, here we go tonight. Braves versus Atlanta here at Citizens Bank. Two NL East rivals. Battling for the division with the Mets. That's been quite a division race, wouldn't you say, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, Jon, the key to winning your division is to find ways to win games. You're not going to win your division if you lose games. Losing games is bad. Winning games is really good.
Jon Miller: Very well put, Joe. (to himself) We need a fucking Hall of Famer to tell us this shit? That was a fucking waste of time. I could have ordered bacon fat soup for my appetizer in the time it took him to speak meaningless crap.
When the Braves are pitching
Jon Miller: The pitch...and there's a beautiful breaking ball on the outside corner for strike three! That pitch was set up perfectly by those preceding two-seam and four-seam fastballs.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) I think this would be a hard thing to say anything dumb about, even for him.
Joe Morgan: That's great pitching right there. Fastballs to set up your other pitches. That's Braves-style pitching right there.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Guess not...(out loud) Yup. Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, probably 95% of all MLB pitchers, none of them ever use their fastballs to set up their other pitches.
Joe Morgan: That's right. Only Braves pitchers do that.
Jon Miller: (after finishing a hot dog wrapped in a twinkee) He's being sarcastic, Joe.
Joe Morgan: I know...wait, WHAT?! SHUT UP! YOU DIDN'T PLAY BASEBALL!!! Dave Concepcion!!! Uhhhh...Ken Griffey!!! Uhhhh, uhhh...1976 Reds greatest ever!!! I won 9 MVPs! I broke the color barrier!!! I invented small ball!!! I'm way better than Craig Biggio!!!
Medic: (to himself) Dammit, I can't even finish a fucking $15 beer before he launches into one of his anxiety attacks...(out loud) You're definitely getting the next round of beers, Smart Stat Guy. And get me some weed, too, motherfucker.
Later on in the game
Jon Miller: Well, the Phillies take the lead over the Braves behind a Ryan Howard 3-run-homer. As you said, Joe, the Phillies find ways to win games...often with long balls. Howard, Utley, Burrell, Rowand, and Rollins are all big HR threats, especially in this ballpark. What's your opinion on this, Joe, the Hall of Fame 2nd baseman/#1 analyst on ESPN?
Joe Morgan: Well, you're right, Jon. Hitting home runs helps you score runs. And you want to score more runs than the other team. If you score more runs than the other team, you'll win the ballgame. That's Philadelphia-style baseball there.
Jon Miller: ......(stunned)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: .......(stunned even while drunk and high)
Jon Miller: So, the Phillies are the only ones who ever try to outscore the other team?
Joe Morgan: Correct.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Joe...have some weed. Maybe if you're high, you'll actually make worthwhile comments.
By the way, kids. I do not condone drug use. However, I do suggest to get Joe Morgan to smoke some weed in the hopes that it either:
a. makes him a better analyst
-OR-
b. gets him fired, which Fire Joe Morgan has been trying to do for over 2 years now.
Either will do.
Using your fastball to set up your other pitches. That's real Braves-style pitching.
That was all I needed. Let's do this shit.
In the first inning
Jon Miller: Well, here we go tonight. Braves versus Atlanta here at Citizens Bank. Two NL East rivals. Battling for the division with the Mets. That's been quite a division race, wouldn't you say, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, Jon, the key to winning your division is to find ways to win games. You're not going to win your division if you lose games. Losing games is bad. Winning games is really good.
Jon Miller: Very well put, Joe. (to himself) We need a fucking Hall of Famer to tell us this shit? That was a fucking waste of time. I could have ordered bacon fat soup for my appetizer in the time it took him to speak meaningless crap.
When the Braves are pitching
Jon Miller: The pitch...and there's a beautiful breaking ball on the outside corner for strike three! That pitch was set up perfectly by those preceding two-seam and four-seam fastballs.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) I think this would be a hard thing to say anything dumb about, even for him.
Joe Morgan: That's great pitching right there. Fastballs to set up your other pitches. That's Braves-style pitching right there.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Guess not...(out loud) Yup. Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, probably 95% of all MLB pitchers, none of them ever use their fastballs to set up their other pitches.
Joe Morgan: That's right. Only Braves pitchers do that.
Jon Miller: (after finishing a hot dog wrapped in a twinkee) He's being sarcastic, Joe.
Joe Morgan: I know...wait, WHAT?! SHUT UP! YOU DIDN'T PLAY BASEBALL!!! Dave Concepcion!!! Uhhhh...Ken Griffey!!! Uhhhh, uhhh...1976 Reds greatest ever!!! I won 9 MVPs! I broke the color barrier!!! I invented small ball!!! I'm way better than Craig Biggio!!!
Medic: (to himself) Dammit, I can't even finish a fucking $15 beer before he launches into one of his anxiety attacks...(out loud) You're definitely getting the next round of beers, Smart Stat Guy. And get me some weed, too, motherfucker.
Later on in the game
Jon Miller: Well, the Phillies take the lead over the Braves behind a Ryan Howard 3-run-homer. As you said, Joe, the Phillies find ways to win games...often with long balls. Howard, Utley, Burrell, Rowand, and Rollins are all big HR threats, especially in this ballpark. What's your opinion on this, Joe, the Hall of Fame 2nd baseman/#1 analyst on ESPN?
Joe Morgan: Well, you're right, Jon. Hitting home runs helps you score runs. And you want to score more runs than the other team. If you score more runs than the other team, you'll win the ballgame. That's Philadelphia-style baseball there.
Jon Miller: ......(stunned)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: .......(stunned even while drunk and high)
Jon Miller: So, the Phillies are the only ones who ever try to outscore the other team?
Joe Morgan: Correct.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Joe...have some weed. Maybe if you're high, you'll actually make worthwhile comments.
By the way, kids. I do not condone drug use. However, I do suggest to get Joe Morgan to smoke some weed in the hopes that it either:
a. makes him a better analyst
-OR-
b. gets him fired, which Fire Joe Morgan has been trying to do for over 2 years now.
Either will do.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball! Episode 3: Joe Morgan has even done things he didn't do!
NOTE: Some necessary background for the episode from a recent Phil Mushnick article:
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Wow, what a truly great start to a career!!
Great story. But unless Morgan was confusing himself with Reds rookie infielder Chico Ruiz, it never happened. As several readers were moved to write, the Phillies played the Reds, Braves and Cardinals during that losing streak; Houston wasn't in the mix.
Furthermore, Morgan, though called up in 1964, did not have an RBI that season for Houston.
And he did not make his big-league debut in '64, either. That came Sept. 21, 1963, when he went 0-for-1, pinch-hitting against the Phillies. The next day, Morgan did have an RBI single to beat the Phillies, but those Phillies were well out of the race and not in the throes of a historic collapse; they'd actually won four of their previous five games.
Oh, so I guess not so truly.
In the first inning
Joe Morgan: Well, tonight could be the night! The 10,000th loss for the Philadelphia Phillies is near!
Jon Miller: (with mike turned off, or so he thinks) Joe, pipe the fuck (doesn't get bleeped, millions of e-mail and phone call complaints start coming in) down! I'm trying to order Chinese food! Yes, hi. I'd like dumplings, spare ribs, General Tso's Chicken, pork lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, anything and everything that goes into a fryer, a bucket of egg rolls...(continues naming items for 5 straight minutes on the air) with a side order of bacon fat and an all-you-can-eat buffet for a party of 35. Thanks. (hangs up the phone) Of course, since I'm going to be sharing all of this food...HA! Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know, Alex Rodriguez...
When Cardinals go up 10-0
Joe Morgan: Well, that 10,000th loss is eminent!
Smart Stat Guy in the back: That's IMMINENT, you idiot.
Joe Morgan: Whatever, but, back in 1964, the Phillies were in the midst of a big collapse and I got a huge RBI single to help sink them. Their manager was so mad that he said that they were beaten by a "Little Leaguer"!
Jon Miller: That's quite a story there, Joe!
Joe Morgan: Yes, in fact, I've had a lot of great moments in my career.
Jon Miller: Please share!
Joe Morgan: Well, I won 2 MVPs.
Jon Miller: That's right.
Joe Morgan: I won 2 World Series!
Jon Miller: Nothing like having rings.
Joe Morgan: I won 6 Cy Youngs!
Jon Miller: (eating and not paying attention) That's great.
Joe Morgan: I pitched a perfect game in the World Series!
Jon Miller: .......(too busy eating)
Joe Morgan: I also invented the curveball, the two-seam fastball, the cutter, and the congratulatory ass-slap!
Jon Miller: .......(napping)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back decided to leave and let Morgan talk about how he changed the game all by himself. Currently, Smart Stat Guy is at a pub getting free drinks from a hot bartender.
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Wow, what a truly great start to a career!!
Great story. But unless Morgan was confusing himself with Reds rookie infielder Chico Ruiz, it never happened. As several readers were moved to write, the Phillies played the Reds, Braves and Cardinals during that losing streak; Houston wasn't in the mix.
Furthermore, Morgan, though called up in 1964, did not have an RBI that season for Houston.
And he did not make his big-league debut in '64, either. That came Sept. 21, 1963, when he went 0-for-1, pinch-hitting against the Phillies. The next day, Morgan did have an RBI single to beat the Phillies, but those Phillies were well out of the race and not in the throes of a historic collapse; they'd actually won four of their previous five games.
Oh, so I guess not so truly.
In the first inning
Joe Morgan: Well, tonight could be the night! The 10,000th loss for the Philadelphia Phillies is near!
Jon Miller: (with mike turned off, or so he thinks) Joe, pipe the fuck (doesn't get bleeped, millions of e-mail and phone call complaints start coming in) down! I'm trying to order Chinese food! Yes, hi. I'd like dumplings, spare ribs, General Tso's Chicken, pork lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, anything and everything that goes into a fryer, a bucket of egg rolls...(continues naming items for 5 straight minutes on the air) with a side order of bacon fat and an all-you-can-eat buffet for a party of 35. Thanks. (hangs up the phone) Of course, since I'm going to be sharing all of this food...HA! Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know, Alex Rodriguez...
When Cardinals go up 10-0
Joe Morgan: Well, that 10,000th loss is eminent!
Smart Stat Guy in the back: That's IMMINENT, you idiot.
Joe Morgan: Whatever, but, back in 1964, the Phillies were in the midst of a big collapse and I got a huge RBI single to help sink them. Their manager was so mad that he said that they were beaten by a "Little Leaguer"!
Jon Miller: That's quite a story there, Joe!
Joe Morgan: Yes, in fact, I've had a lot of great moments in my career.
Jon Miller: Please share!
Joe Morgan: Well, I won 2 MVPs.
Jon Miller: That's right.
Joe Morgan: I won 2 World Series!
Jon Miller: Nothing like having rings.
Joe Morgan: I won 6 Cy Youngs!
Jon Miller: (eating and not paying attention) That's great.
Joe Morgan: I pitched a perfect game in the World Series!
Jon Miller: .......(too busy eating)
Joe Morgan: I also invented the curveball, the two-seam fastball, the cutter, and the congratulatory ass-slap!
Jon Miller: .......(napping)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back decided to leave and let Morgan talk about how he changed the game all by himself. Currently, Smart Stat Guy is at a pub getting free drinks from a hot bartender.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Orgasmic Edition of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: New York Mets versus Boston Red Sox, Part Two
B.A. brings you Part Two.
In the middle innings
Jon Miller: Hello, Sizzler? Bring me the Burettes seasoned steak, very rare, with a side of fat from all of the cleaned raw chicken?
Joe Morgan: (whispering to himself) With all this fat that he eats, I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Wow, Joe Morgan is right, for once. I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick either.
JonWang: I don't think Jon's ever seen me. That makes me sad. Oh wait, David Ortiz is leading off this inning! BOYOYOYOYOING!
Joe Morgan: Jon, what is Burettes seasoned steak?
Jon Miller: Burettes is French for testicles.
Joe Morgan: Delicioso.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: That's Spanish, you dumbass.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: But I think the raw chicken fat's bad for you.
Jon Miller: Typhoid fever and food poisoning can't keep a man like me from fully enjoying the life-shortening fatty substances. Besides, I like fevers because they give me an excuse to go to the doctor for rectal thermometer readings.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: Alright, if you say so...
Jon Miller: Oh and by the way, got any bacon fat?
In the 9th inning
David Wright faces Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Miller: And...Dave...Wrightballs...in to face...Jonny...Pappyschlong...uhhh...
Joe Morgan: Are you alright there, Jon? You sound drunk.
Jon Miller: Alex Rodriguez said HA!
Joe Morgan: Huh?
Jon Miller: Man, Okajima's got a great Japanese ass.
Joe Morgan: Wow, Jon, you're not drunk. I think you're getting that fever stuff that you were talking about. I can feel your fever from over here. I'll do the play-by-play for you. (thinking to himself) HAHAHAHA! Papelbon's all MINE tonight! Share my ass...
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hey, can we get a crane to lift Jon out of this booth? The fever chills are shaking this entire ballpark because Jon Miller's weight has the same order of magnitude as the entire earth and because Fenway's a dilapidated hunk of crap.
(crane comes, lifts Jon Miller up, knocks over some lights in the process and kills a bunch of Red Sox fans, including Ben Affleck)
Random Hysterical Woman: OH MY GOD! HEEEEE'S DEAD!!!!!!
(back in the broadcaster's booth)
Joe Morgan: Alright, so here we go. It's David Wright versus Jonathan Papelbon. Here comes the pitch from the intense, amazing, very genitally blessed, handsome closer.
(David Wright smashes a 94 mph fastball over the Monster seats)
Joe Morgan: And David Wright absolutely puts a charge into this pitch to leftcenter. Nooo doubt about this one!
JoeSchlong: Man, he had me all ready for Papelbon and now I gotta try getting off to David Wright? He's too...normal and not annoying and actually good and probably to some degree underrated. I've gotten off to him before, but...that was against the Yankees. I can't get off to him at Pappy's expense! It's not right! Even I live by a moral code.
Joe Morgan: And oh man, look at this. Jonathan's lying on the mound...kicking like an infant! He's crying, too! And...oh my God, his uniform is totally soiled on the back with yellow streaks down the front of his pants!!! Oh, poor Jonny!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Looks like you're going to have a tough time with Papelbon tonight considering he's swimming in a pool of his own shit and piss.
Joe Morgan: Damn...
(Morgan leaves because he's depressed)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Alright, I guess this is my show now. (grabs mike and flicks switch so microphone input goes into PA system) BOSTON SUCKS, YOU FAGGOTS.
(Boston crowd erupts into a riot because they're all stupid fucks and everyone kills each other)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I believe my work is done here. It may be time to go out on a high note and retire...NOT.
Oh what a night.
Anyway. Very happy to see Jack Bauer back in action on the blog. As everyone knows from watching 24, when Jack Bauer isn't fucking you up, he's analyzing basketball with insight the common Washington D.C. professional killer could never dream of. Be on the lookout for B.A. Baracus's rant about that pointless, who-jerks-off-to-you-the-most popularity contest known as All-Star voting very soon.
In the middle innings
Jon Miller: Hello, Sizzler? Bring me the Burettes seasoned steak, very rare, with a side of fat from all of the cleaned raw chicken?
Joe Morgan: (whispering to himself) With all this fat that he eats, I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Wow, Joe Morgan is right, for once. I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick either.
JonWang: I don't think Jon's ever seen me. That makes me sad. Oh wait, David Ortiz is leading off this inning! BOYOYOYOYOING!
Joe Morgan: Jon, what is Burettes seasoned steak?
Jon Miller: Burettes is French for testicles.
Joe Morgan: Delicioso.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: That's Spanish, you dumbass.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: But I think the raw chicken fat's bad for you.
Jon Miller: Typhoid fever and food poisoning can't keep a man like me from fully enjoying the life-shortening fatty substances. Besides, I like fevers because they give me an excuse to go to the doctor for rectal thermometer readings.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: Alright, if you say so...
Jon Miller: Oh and by the way, got any bacon fat?
In the 9th inning
David Wright faces Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Miller: And...Dave...Wrightballs...in to face...Jonny...Pappyschlong...uhhh...
Joe Morgan: Are you alright there, Jon? You sound drunk.
Jon Miller: Alex Rodriguez said HA!
Joe Morgan: Huh?
Jon Miller: Man, Okajima's got a great Japanese ass.
Joe Morgan: Wow, Jon, you're not drunk. I think you're getting that fever stuff that you were talking about. I can feel your fever from over here. I'll do the play-by-play for you. (thinking to himself) HAHAHAHA! Papelbon's all MINE tonight! Share my ass...
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hey, can we get a crane to lift Jon out of this booth? The fever chills are shaking this entire ballpark because Jon Miller's weight has the same order of magnitude as the entire earth and because Fenway's a dilapidated hunk of crap.
(crane comes, lifts Jon Miller up, knocks over some lights in the process and kills a bunch of Red Sox fans, including Ben Affleck)
Random Hysterical Woman: OH MY GOD! HEEEEE'S DEAD!!!!!!
(back in the broadcaster's booth)
Joe Morgan: Alright, so here we go. It's David Wright versus Jonathan Papelbon. Here comes the pitch from the intense, amazing, very genitally blessed, handsome closer.
(David Wright smashes a 94 mph fastball over the Monster seats)
Joe Morgan: And David Wright absolutely puts a charge into this pitch to leftcenter. Nooo doubt about this one!
JoeSchlong: Man, he had me all ready for Papelbon and now I gotta try getting off to David Wright? He's too...normal and not annoying and actually good and probably to some degree underrated. I've gotten off to him before, but...that was against the Yankees. I can't get off to him at Pappy's expense! It's not right! Even I live by a moral code.
Joe Morgan: And oh man, look at this. Jonathan's lying on the mound...kicking like an infant! He's crying, too! And...oh my God, his uniform is totally soiled on the back with yellow streaks down the front of his pants!!! Oh, poor Jonny!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Looks like you're going to have a tough time with Papelbon tonight considering he's swimming in a pool of his own shit and piss.
Joe Morgan: Damn...
(Morgan leaves because he's depressed)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Alright, I guess this is my show now. (grabs mike and flicks switch so microphone input goes into PA system) BOSTON SUCKS, YOU FAGGOTS.
(Boston crowd erupts into a riot because they're all stupid fucks and everyone kills each other)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I believe my work is done here. It may be time to go out on a high note and retire...NOT.
Oh what a night.
Anyway. Very happy to see Jack Bauer back in action on the blog. As everyone knows from watching 24, when Jack Bauer isn't fucking you up, he's analyzing basketball with insight the common Washington D.C. professional killer could never dream of. Be on the lookout for B.A. Baracus's rant about that pointless, who-jerks-off-to-you-the-most popularity contest known as All-Star voting very soon.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Orgasmic Edition of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: New York Mets versus Boston Red Sox, Part One
Douggy Bombs had to go down to Philly to beat the shit out of Paul Lo Duca, so he handed over to me the task of relating to you the latest in the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball category. Now we all know that Miller and Morgan are totally in love with the Boston Red Sox, but what would happen if the Red Sox's opponents that night also sharpened their pencils? This eternal conundrum that has the world puzzled shall be answered by the omniscient Pwnage of Morons team.
In the first inning
Jose Reyes leads off against Curt Schilling
Jon Miller: Stepping into the batter's box is...Jose Reyes...the all-star caliber shortstop for the New York Mets.
Jon Miller's dick, JonWang: BOYOYOING! Good start to the game already! Mr. Excitement...PENILE EXCITEMENT that is!!! OOO diggity giggity wiggity!
Jon Miller: And on the mound...Curt Schilling. The 40 year old veteran.
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Curty's one of my favorites! Wait...I'm already armed and ready to go for Jose! Hey, JoeSchlong, are you having this same problem?
JoeSchlong: I am, JonWang! We're going both ways, here!
Jon Miller: Here comes the pitch from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh boy, what do I do?
(Reyes fouls it back)
Jon Miller: And fouled back by Reyes.
JonWang: Ohhh! I don't know if I can take a whole game of this!
JoeSchlong: Well, I had fun with both Ortiz AND Papelbon this one time and-
JonWang: You had fun with Papelbon?!
JoeSchlong: Oh shit...
JonWang: I can't believe you'd betray me like that!!!
JoeSclong: But it's not my fault, BLOWell (Mike Lowell's dick) was off doing the Green Monster! I needed something!
JonWang: I guess I can understand that. We can share.
Jon Miller: Here's the 0-1 dealing from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh the suspence, what could happen?!
(Reyes bloops one into rightcenter field)
Jon Miller: And Reyes drives one into rightcenter, Coco Crisp will not get there...this ball will roll into the triangle! Reyes is already rounding second and he'll get to third easily! A leadoff triple by Jose Reyes!!!
JonWang: I'm so sorry, Curty, but Jose beat you to it...(does his thing, which is just too revoltingly gross for this blog)
JoeSchlong: I'm with JonWang, Curt. You'll have to earn your chance...(emulates JonWang)
Joe Morgan: Now, you see what happened there. Jose Reyes is just incredible. That's all that you can say.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) A man who played 20 years in the big leagues watches a guy bloop one to rightcenter that gets misplayed and all he can say is that the guy who bloops one to rightcenter that gets misplayed is incredible? (out loud) Why is that so incredible, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, it's because...oh no, it's you! Dave Concepcion! Pedro Borbon!
Jon Miller: Get him a medic!!! Hey...don't I know you from someplace?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Shit...he remembers me. Oh wait, he's senile. He doesn't really remember me. But just to make sure, I know what I'll do. (out loud) Hey, look! Jose is adjusting his cup!
Jon Miller: WHERE?! WHERE?!
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Boy am I getting a lot of action tonight!
Joe Morgan: Davey Lopes!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: He was never even on the Big Red Machine.
Joe Morgan: Jose Reyes! Balls! In my mouth!
(Medic arrives, suppresses Joe's senile anxiety attack)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ohhhhh, boy...as if the semen stains on his pants he gets during telecasts weren't enough to prove he has a thing for Mr. Reyes
In the first inning
Jose Reyes leads off against Curt Schilling
Jon Miller: Stepping into the batter's box is...Jose Reyes...the all-star caliber shortstop for the New York Mets.
Jon Miller's dick, JonWang: BOYOYOING! Good start to the game already! Mr. Excitement...PENILE EXCITEMENT that is!!! OOO diggity giggity wiggity!
Jon Miller: And on the mound...Curt Schilling. The 40 year old veteran.
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Curty's one of my favorites! Wait...I'm already armed and ready to go for Jose! Hey, JoeSchlong, are you having this same problem?
JoeSchlong: I am, JonWang! We're going both ways, here!
Jon Miller: Here comes the pitch from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh boy, what do I do?
(Reyes fouls it back)
Jon Miller: And fouled back by Reyes.
JonWang: Ohhh! I don't know if I can take a whole game of this!
JoeSchlong: Well, I had fun with both Ortiz AND Papelbon this one time and-
JonWang: You had fun with Papelbon?!
JoeSchlong: Oh shit...
JonWang: I can't believe you'd betray me like that!!!
JoeSclong: But it's not my fault, BLOWell (Mike Lowell's dick) was off doing the Green Monster! I needed something!
JonWang: I guess I can understand that. We can share.
Jon Miller: Here's the 0-1 dealing from Schilling...
JonWang: Oh the suspence, what could happen?!
(Reyes bloops one into rightcenter field)
Jon Miller: And Reyes drives one into rightcenter, Coco Crisp will not get there...this ball will roll into the triangle! Reyes is already rounding second and he'll get to third easily! A leadoff triple by Jose Reyes!!!
JonWang: I'm so sorry, Curty, but Jose beat you to it...(does his thing, which is just too revoltingly gross for this blog)
JoeSchlong: I'm with JonWang, Curt. You'll have to earn your chance...(emulates JonWang)
Joe Morgan: Now, you see what happened there. Jose Reyes is just incredible. That's all that you can say.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) A man who played 20 years in the big leagues watches a guy bloop one to rightcenter that gets misplayed and all he can say is that the guy who bloops one to rightcenter that gets misplayed is incredible? (out loud) Why is that so incredible, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, it's because...oh no, it's you! Dave Concepcion! Pedro Borbon!
Jon Miller: Get him a medic!!! Hey...don't I know you from someplace?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Shit...he remembers me. Oh wait, he's senile. He doesn't really remember me. But just to make sure, I know what I'll do. (out loud) Hey, look! Jose is adjusting his cup!
Jon Miller: WHERE?! WHERE?!
JonWang: BOYOYOYOING! Boy am I getting a lot of action tonight!
Joe Morgan: Davey Lopes!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: He was never even on the Big Red Machine.
Joe Morgan: Jose Reyes! Balls! In my mouth!
(Medic arrives, suppresses Joe's senile anxiety attack)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ohhhhh, boy...as if the semen stains on his pants he gets during telecasts weren't enough to prove he has a thing for Mr. Reyes
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