Me llamo Sammy Sosa and Béisbol and estúpido analysts been bery bery good to me

Sammy Sosa has a diary that he keeps with his canister of “whey protein” and since I just happened to be in Arlington today with Hannibal and Face, hiding from that foo Decker, I stole it and read what he had to say. He was being pretty honest, reflecting on his career and commenting on the ESPN writers’ opinions as to whether or not he should be in the Hall of Fame. Here we go:

¡Hola! Estoy en la casa, puta. I want to thank all of dee bery bery nice people who love me even though I do pelotas-shrinking drugs to make me hit other pelota farther. ESPN analysts all love me, too! Listen to what dey have to say about me being Hall of Famer:

Jim Caple: Yes
At this point, it's hard to see me not voting for him, though I can't say I'm as enthusiastic about him as I have been about others. Not because of any steroid allegations but because his numbers were inflated by the era in which he played (unlike McGwire, who had his first monster year before the explosion in offense, when 49 home runs was still a lot).

I no understand what he saying but I read “Yes”, so that good enough for me!

Jerry Crasnick: No
If I had to vote on Sammy Sosa for the Hall of Fame at this very moment, I would say no. Sosa deserves to be in Cooperstown based on his numbers, but I'm applying the same argument to Sammy Sosa that I used for Mark McGwire. If Barry Bonds is neck deep in the steroid controversy and McGwire is waist deep, then Sosa is, at the very least, knee deep. I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of voting somebody in to Cooperstown, then finding out he engaged in some sort of transgression that would make me think twice. I want the Mitchell investigation and the surrounding uncertainty to play out before I commit to players with red flags. Maybe I'll feel differently when Sosa actually goes on the ballot, but right now my answer is no.

¡Maricon estúpido! I am Hall of Famer! I hit lots of dingdongs! And why anybody think I do steroids? I fool all those gringos when I pretend I can no speak Inglés that one time.

Tim Kurkjian: Yes
Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. There is no definitive proof about his alleged steroid involvement, so, in the absence of hard evidence, his numbers are what we go by, and they are of Cooperstown quality. He has the fifth most home runs in baseball history. From 1995 to 2004, Sosa hit 479 homers, the most at that time for any 10-year period of all time. He holds the NL record with six consecutive seasons of at least 40 home runs; only Babe Ruth, with seven, has a longer streak. There have been eight 60-home run seasons in history, and Sosa has three of them. Sosa hit more homers at Wrigley Field than Babe Ruth hit at Yankee Stadium. For a few years, he was the Cubs. In 2001, he had 160 RBIs, 94 more RBIs than anyone on his team, demolishing the record for largest disparity in RBIs between a team leader and the runner-up. He got caught with a corked bat and was exposed at the end of his time in Chicago for not being a good teammate. But sometimes, the numbers overwhelm all else. And that is the case with Sosa.

Oh what a country! I do steroids and everyone know it but no one can no say mierda cuz no one no see me do it! WEEEE!!! But hey! I not a bad teammate! I a good teammate! Everybody love Sammy!

Steve Phillips: Yes
Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. Slam dunk. There is no smoking gun with him. There is just guilt by association. Just because he kept pace with Mark McGwire in home runs in 1998 doesn't mean he should be seen the same way as McGwire. Sosa made a statement in front of the House Committee on Government Reform in which he declared he had never used illegal performance-enhancing substances while McGwire did not. There are no former teammates pointing fingers at Sosa like there are at McGwire. He has never failed a drug test. In fact, consider that Sosa did get busted for corking a bat during his playing days. Why would a player on steroids cork his bat? He wouldn't. Sammy Sosa is one of the most charismatic players to ever play the game during his prime. He will most likely end up with the fifth most career homers. He is a first-ballot Hall of Famer if there ever was one.

I love you Steve! You so smart! Since you make me feel good, I will do same. You are great analyst by measuring player charisma (I no understand what that is…oh what you say Mark? Ah, ¡gracias! He saying charisma is like retard (?) hops I take when I hit pelota long way. I agree! Only dee best do that!) And you were great GM too!

Oh well, it’s time for Sammy to cork his bat and shoot up with more drugs those no fun docs can no find in my peepee! ¡Hasta luego!

Oh man are some of these arguments retarded, particularly Phillips (though, honestly, would you expect anything less?). Thank you, Jerry Crasnick for saying you'd vote "No" for this cheating malcontent. Caple’s argument, while saying yes, is an unenthusiastic yes and isn’t outrageous. Sosa’s numbers whether you take steroids into consideration or not are definitely inflated, and his adjusted numbers show that:

Sammy Sosa (career)
128 OPS+

I’m not THAT impressed. Here are some guys (active and retired) with OPS+ numbers similar or better than Sosa:

Adam Dunn (128)
Edgar Martinez (147)
Bernie Williams (125)
Derek Jeter (123)
Don Mattingly (127)
Fred McGriff (134)
John Olerud (129)

The Hall of Fame will likely never vote these guys in with the exception of Derek Jeter. I know the Baseball Hall of Fame is not the SABR Hall of Fame, but I just want to point out that in reality, his overall career numbers are not staggering and he was only a dominant player for 5 years.

Tim Kurkjian, the fact that you are trying to entertain the erroneous notion that Sammy Sosa is even worthy of getting a whiff of a toilet Babe Ruth dropped a massive frankfurter shit in just means you are a total moron. I will be on the lookout for more articles of yours because I look forward to pwning you and ripping you several new assholes in the nearby future.

Steve Phillips, your analysis never fails to induce milk-out-my-nostrils laughter.

Sammy Sosa (career)
257 CHMA+ (adjusted charisma)

Yup, he’s a Hall of Famer. Adjusted Charisma says so. Go try and ruin another franchise, you idiot.

SHIT! HANNIBAL!!! FACE!!! Decker’s here! Move it, foos!

Late addition: As Sammy himself mentioned, he pretended he didn't speak English when he testified, and Phillips totally leaves that part out. Also, lots of players have never tested positive, but you know they were on something because when testing came along they went into the toilet statistically. Giambi, Sosa, Lowell (and yes, I really do think he was on something, look at the hilarious dropoff he had in 2005) and others. And not to mention several people (Giambi, Sosa and McGwire particularly) at one point were huge physically and then at another point later on became or still are shadows of their former overly bulked-up selves.

"But he never tested positive!"

List of stupid statements that this belongs to be on:

"He's not a killer! OJ Simpson was never convicted of murder!"
"N*Sync doesn't suck! They sold millions of records!"
"My son's not an incompetent idiot that sucks at life that should cut his hippy suburban white boy afro hair, stop smoking weed incessantly, and shoot himself in his vagina! He goes to an Ivy League school!"