There is a Facebook group called “Endy Chavez is so much better than Melky Cabrera”. First of all, what is the point of this group? We’re making groups about how “our 4th outfielder is better than your 4th outfielder!” and not even being right about it? “Jose Reyes is better than Derek Jeter” or vice versa. “Mariano Rivera is so much better than Jonathan Papelbon” or vice versa. Those groups make sense. But comparing two 4th outfielders (although Melky has been playing everyday because Damon can’t play center but is too stubborn to go on the DL) is stupid. How about “Jose Molina is so much better than Ramon Castro!”?
Be that as it may, I tell you, my friends…no, Endy Chavez is not so much better than Melky Cabrera.
Endy Chavez (2006)
.276 eqA
44/24 K/BB
4.6 WARP3
Melky Cabrera (2006)
.273 eqA
56/60 K/BB
5.0 WARP3
And Endy Chavez is 29…Melky Cabrera is 22. And Melky almost walked more than he struck out last year, which is incredible for a 21 year old rookie. And let’s compare them this year. I know Chavez is hurt, but still, let’s do this shit:
Endy Chavez (2007)
.269 eqA
13/8 K/BB
2.3 WARP3
Melky Cabrera (2007)
.280 eqA
39/28 K/BB
7.1 WARP3 (3.9 WARP1)
Cabrera’s 3.9 WARP1 shows that he's already worth almost as many wins so far this season to the Yankees than Chavez was to the Mets all of last year. Cabrera's WARP3 shows he's projected to be worth 2.5 more wins this year than Chavez was last year. Also, last year was a career year for Chavez. His previous seasons were all terrible. Look them up. I don't feel like typing them all out because I don't want sonorous laughter to be heard coming from my desk. Now, I, like most people, don’t think Melky Cabrera’s ever going to be a monster offensively. But he’s a solid hitter who’s going to draw a good number of walks and I could see him, in his prime, being having a .280-.290 BA/.360-.370 OBA/.440-.450 SLG. That’s pretty good to get from a centerfielder, especially when he’s a very good one defensively. His zone rating (speaking of this stat, it was .915 in left field last year, leading the AL) is .899 with 21 plays made out of zone in just 589 innings and is at 14 FRAA overall. That’s pretty good. That’s only .006 behind Ichiro, and Ichiro’s played 270 more innings. I expect Melky to overtake him there. And among AL Centerfielders, he's first with 9 assists and has 11 overall (2 in LF).
Melky Cabrera << Endy Chavez? As Douggy Bombs once said about ARod, that’s something we can all say “HA!” to.
Oh, yeah, Smart Stat Guy picked up that bartender by the end of that night. I saw her, too. Fucking hot.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Fuck the clear, shoot some Sodium Thiopental up Barroid's Ass
Where would this blog be without idiots like this guy?
The analysis of determining the best baseball player of all time is very straightforward. First things first, any player who played prior to 1947 or the pre Jackie Robinson era cannot be considered the best player ever. Therefore, Ty Cobb is eliminated, Babe Ruth is eliminated and Joe Dimaggio whose best seasons were prior to 1947 and ultimately retired in 1951 is eliminated.
I am not taking anything away from these exceptional baseball players, they achieved remarkable feats and are adored by fans around the world, however Cobb, Ruth, nor Diamagio is the best baseball player ever, each did not play against the best players of their time as there was an entirely separate league with notable hall of famers, notably the Negro Leagues. Also, because the best players are playing now! I seriously doubt Babe Ruth would have enjoyed the success he achieved swinging the stick against Josh Beckett or Billy Wagner.
OK, so because Babe Ruth never faced a Josh Beckett or a Billy Wagner, who by the way, are both white (idiot, he could have at least named somebody black like Dwight Gooden in his prime), Babe Ruth doesn't count. Brilliant. Sure, he didn't face guys from the Negro Leagues, but keep something in mind, there were a LOT fewer teams back then. So to get to the big leagues, you had to be very good. Now that there's no discrimination, great players from all races are included. However, there are 30 MLB teams now. So while major leaguers now might have to face off against guys like CC Sabathia or Johan Santana, they also get to face guys like John Parrish or Sidney Ponson. Oh yeah, and ballparks on average are much smaller now and balls are much more lively than they used to be. I mean, the Polo Grounds used to be almost 500 feet to center. Yankee Stadium used to be 462 ft to center. That's just nuts.
Also, Babe Ruth hit more home runs than other teams. He has the highest career OPS+ at 207. Bonds is at 182, so Ruth was much better relative to his era than Bonds has been.
In 2001, Bonds hit 73 homers to break the single-season home run record. Bonds also compiled a slugging percentage of .834. Aaron never did that.
Neither did Ruth.
The year after his homer record, Bonds hit a league-leading .370. Bonds is the only member of the career 500 homers-500 steals club. In an era when the 30 homers-30 steals mark was especially meaningful for a season, Bonds averaged those figures for an entire decade.
First of all, at least get your stats right. Bonds slugged .863 in 2001. Secondly, Ruth's career high was .849. 14 pt advantage in slugging, as I demonstrated here, is statistically insignificant.
What hasn't bonds done? I will get to that, but other mind blowing stats include:
1. Holds record for most MVP awards (7) and consecutive MVP awards (4) (1990, 1992-93, 2001-04)
2. Holds records for most home runs in a season (73)
3. Holds records for most walks in a career (2,512)
4. Holds record for consecutive seasons with 30 homeruns (13).
5. Only player in 400 home run and 400 stolen base club
6. Only player in 500 home run and 500 stolen base club
7. 14 time all star (1990, 1992-98, 2000-04, 2007)
8. One of four players in 40-40 club (40 home runs and 40 stolen bases)
9. Holds record for most consecutive seasons with .600 slugging percentage or higher (8)
10. 5-time SF Giants Player of the Year (1998, 2001-04)
11. 14-Time All-Star (1990, 1992-98, 2000-04, 2007)
12. 7-Time Baseball America NL All-Star OF (1993, 1998, 2000-04)
13. 3-Time Major League Player of the Year (1990, 2001, 2004)
14. 3-Time Baseball America MLB Player of the Year (2001, 2003-04)
15. 8-Time Gold Glove winner for NL Outfielder (1990-94, 1996-98)
16. 12-Time Silver Slugger winner for NL Outfielder (1990-94, 1996-97, 2000-04)
17. Led the Major Leagues in home runs (1993, 2001)
18. Led the NL in batting average (2002, 2004)
19. Led the NL in on base percentage (1991-93, 1995, 2001-04, 2006)
20. Led the Major Leagues in slugging percentage (1990, 1992-93, 2001-04)
21. Led the Major Leagues in extra base hits (1992-93, 2001)
22. Led the Major Leagues in on base percentage (1992, 2001-04)
23. Led the NL in runs (1992)
24. Led the NL in RBIs (1993)
25. Led the NL in walks (1992, 1994-97, 2000-04, 2006)
26. Led the NL in intentional walks (1992-98, 2002-04, 2006)
27. Led the NL in runs created (1992-93, 2001-02, 2004)
28. Led the Major Leagues in total bases (1993, with 365)
29. Led the Major Leagues in runs created (1993, 2001-02, 2004)
30. Led the NL in games (1995)
31. Led the NL in extra base hits (1992-93, 2001)
32. Led the NL in at bats per home run (1992-93, 1996, 2000-04)
33. 3-Time NL Hank Aaron Award winner (2001-02, 2004)
34. Led the Major Leagues in batting average (2002, with .370)
You are an idiot for talking about things such as All-Star selections, MVPs, and Gold Gloves. Ripken made the All-Star team like every year when his OPS+ was like -2632 (funny it matches his consecutive games streak). As far as MVPs go, Ivan Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa both won undeserving MVPs a few years back. And of course Morneau won over Jeter last year. That tells you what the MVP is truly worth. As far as Gold Gloves go, Tino Martinez lost it to Rafael Palmeiro in 1999, a guy who had played all of 28 games at first that year. They're stupid awards. Now, a lot of the other things you mentioned are worthwhile arguments. Going solely by gross walk total isn't the best way to go about it, but fine. 40-40 club is stupid, that has more value in fantasy baseball than in actual baseball. Batting titles are stupid because batting average is stupid. But, alright, overall, fine, you made some decent points. But, um, he's kind of done a lot of this stuff lately. He's lately also widely thought to have done this stuff called...um...steroids? That stuff that cheaters use? When are you going to address this?
Steroids. Sure Barry is not the most embraceable character, in fact he probably has the worst personality of anyone I have ever seen, but he has not been proven to have taken any performance enhancing drug. Also, the game of baseball involves much more than strength otherwise the people buted [sic] for steroid abuse would have much greater numbers. Steroids are not why Barry Bonds is the best player ever, his statistics are. What's funny is how people point out that Barry gained 20-30 pounds over a 15 year period. Who hasn't? It's not like Bonds is ripped, have you seen him lately? Bonds is fat, similar to every other 42 year old man out there. This argument is ridiculous and the asterisk talk is even more ridiculous.
Ah, there you go. I don't even know where to start, this is so retarded.
First of all, Bonds fucking took steroids. He admitted it. It's kind of well known that he did. From San Francisco Chronicle:
Barry Bonds told a federal grand jury that he used a clear substance and a cream supplied by the Burlingame laboratory now enmeshed in a sports doping scandal, but he said he never thought they were steroids, The Chronicle has learned.
Federal prosecutors charge that the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, known as BALCO, distributed undetectable steroids to elite athletes in the form of a clear substance that was taken orally and a cream that was rubbed onto the body.
Bonds testified that he had received and used clear and cream substances from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, during the 2003 baseball season but was told they were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis, according to a transcript of his testimony reviewed by The Chronicle.
He admitted to using them. He's just insulting everyone's intelligence by saying he didn't knowingly take steroids. Idiots that defend him by saying he never was proven to have taken them can shove Barry's syringes up their asses.
Second of all, ever hear of guys like Jason Giambi? Rafael Palmeiro? Guys who have definitely taken steroids and put up exceptional numbers that they probably could not achieve when their nads were bigger? Lots of guys have definitely improved their numbers by taken steroids, not just Barry. Some guys just don't have the talent that Bonds already has.
Steroids are not why Barry Bonds is the best player ever, his statistics are.
......
Teacher: Hey! Put your textbook away! That's cheating!
Student: Leave me alone! Using a textbook, which has all of the answers and will enable me to get a perfect score on a closed book exam, is not the reason I'm a great student! My perfect scores are!
What's funny is how people point out that Barry gained 20-30 pounds over a 15 year period. Who hasn't? It's not like Bonds is ripped, have you seen him lately? Bonds is fat, similar to every other 42 year old man out there.
Being ripped does not make you an intentional-gonads-shrinker or vice versa. I like how the pictures he uses show a skinny Barry Bonds with a tiny head and then a picture of the Bonds of now who is insanely broad with a head that dwarfs Kevin Mench's Shrek head. This guy uses pictures that totally make the opposite point of the one he wants to make. This blogger is a moron.
I want Barry Bonds to break his leg tomorrow and be out for the season. Then when he tries to come back next year, he gets into a car accident with Carl Pavano. Bonds breaks all of his ribs and suffers a severe concussion. Pavano gets a small scratch on his ass due to sliding around on the seat. Both are forced to retire, and Pavano neglects to tell anybody.
The analysis of determining the best baseball player of all time is very straightforward. First things first, any player who played prior to 1947 or the pre Jackie Robinson era cannot be considered the best player ever. Therefore, Ty Cobb is eliminated, Babe Ruth is eliminated and Joe Dimaggio whose best seasons were prior to 1947 and ultimately retired in 1951 is eliminated.
I am not taking anything away from these exceptional baseball players, they achieved remarkable feats and are adored by fans around the world, however Cobb, Ruth, nor Diamagio is the best baseball player ever, each did not play against the best players of their time as there was an entirely separate league with notable hall of famers, notably the Negro Leagues. Also, because the best players are playing now! I seriously doubt Babe Ruth would have enjoyed the success he achieved swinging the stick against Josh Beckett or Billy Wagner.
OK, so because Babe Ruth never faced a Josh Beckett or a Billy Wagner, who by the way, are both white (idiot, he could have at least named somebody black like Dwight Gooden in his prime), Babe Ruth doesn't count. Brilliant. Sure, he didn't face guys from the Negro Leagues, but keep something in mind, there were a LOT fewer teams back then. So to get to the big leagues, you had to be very good. Now that there's no discrimination, great players from all races are included. However, there are 30 MLB teams now. So while major leaguers now might have to face off against guys like CC Sabathia or Johan Santana, they also get to face guys like John Parrish or Sidney Ponson. Oh yeah, and ballparks on average are much smaller now and balls are much more lively than they used to be. I mean, the Polo Grounds used to be almost 500 feet to center. Yankee Stadium used to be 462 ft to center. That's just nuts.
Also, Babe Ruth hit more home runs than other teams. He has the highest career OPS+ at 207. Bonds is at 182, so Ruth was much better relative to his era than Bonds has been.
In 2001, Bonds hit 73 homers to break the single-season home run record. Bonds also compiled a slugging percentage of .834. Aaron never did that.
Neither did Ruth.
The year after his homer record, Bonds hit a league-leading .370. Bonds is the only member of the career 500 homers-500 steals club. In an era when the 30 homers-30 steals mark was especially meaningful for a season, Bonds averaged those figures for an entire decade.
First of all, at least get your stats right. Bonds slugged .863 in 2001. Secondly, Ruth's career high was .849. 14 pt advantage in slugging, as I demonstrated here, is statistically insignificant.
What hasn't bonds done? I will get to that, but other mind blowing stats include:
1. Holds record for most MVP awards (7) and consecutive MVP awards (4) (1990, 1992-93, 2001-04)
2. Holds records for most home runs in a season (73)
3. Holds records for most walks in a career (2,512)
4. Holds record for consecutive seasons with 30 homeruns (13).
5. Only player in 400 home run and 400 stolen base club
6. Only player in 500 home run and 500 stolen base club
7. 14 time all star (1990, 1992-98, 2000-04, 2007)
8. One of four players in 40-40 club (40 home runs and 40 stolen bases)
9. Holds record for most consecutive seasons with .600 slugging percentage or higher (8)
10. 5-time SF Giants Player of the Year (1998, 2001-04)
11. 14-Time All-Star (1990, 1992-98, 2000-04, 2007)
12. 7-Time Baseball America NL All-Star OF (1993, 1998, 2000-04)
13. 3-Time Major League Player of the Year (1990, 2001, 2004)
14. 3-Time Baseball America MLB Player of the Year (2001, 2003-04)
15. 8-Time Gold Glove winner for NL Outfielder (1990-94, 1996-98)
16. 12-Time Silver Slugger winner for NL Outfielder (1990-94, 1996-97, 2000-04)
17. Led the Major Leagues in home runs (1993, 2001)
18. Led the NL in batting average (2002, 2004)
19. Led the NL in on base percentage (1991-93, 1995, 2001-04, 2006)
20. Led the Major Leagues in slugging percentage (1990, 1992-93, 2001-04)
21. Led the Major Leagues in extra base hits (1992-93, 2001)
22. Led the Major Leagues in on base percentage (1992, 2001-04)
23. Led the NL in runs (1992)
24. Led the NL in RBIs (1993)
25. Led the NL in walks (1992, 1994-97, 2000-04, 2006)
26. Led the NL in intentional walks (1992-98, 2002-04, 2006)
27. Led the NL in runs created (1992-93, 2001-02, 2004)
28. Led the Major Leagues in total bases (1993, with 365)
29. Led the Major Leagues in runs created (1993, 2001-02, 2004)
30. Led the NL in games (1995)
31. Led the NL in extra base hits (1992-93, 2001)
32. Led the NL in at bats per home run (1992-93, 1996, 2000-04)
33. 3-Time NL Hank Aaron Award winner (2001-02, 2004)
34. Led the Major Leagues in batting average (2002, with .370)
You are an idiot for talking about things such as All-Star selections, MVPs, and Gold Gloves. Ripken made the All-Star team like every year when his OPS+ was like -2632 (funny it matches his consecutive games streak). As far as MVPs go, Ivan Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa both won undeserving MVPs a few years back. And of course Morneau won over Jeter last year. That tells you what the MVP is truly worth. As far as Gold Gloves go, Tino Martinez lost it to Rafael Palmeiro in 1999, a guy who had played all of 28 games at first that year. They're stupid awards. Now, a lot of the other things you mentioned are worthwhile arguments. Going solely by gross walk total isn't the best way to go about it, but fine. 40-40 club is stupid, that has more value in fantasy baseball than in actual baseball. Batting titles are stupid because batting average is stupid. But, alright, overall, fine, you made some decent points. But, um, he's kind of done a lot of this stuff lately. He's lately also widely thought to have done this stuff called...um...steroids? That stuff that cheaters use? When are you going to address this?
Steroids. Sure Barry is not the most embraceable character, in fact he probably has the worst personality of anyone I have ever seen, but he has not been proven to have taken any performance enhancing drug. Also, the game of baseball involves much more than strength otherwise the people buted [sic] for steroid abuse would have much greater numbers. Steroids are not why Barry Bonds is the best player ever, his statistics are. What's funny is how people point out that Barry gained 20-30 pounds over a 15 year period. Who hasn't? It's not like Bonds is ripped, have you seen him lately? Bonds is fat, similar to every other 42 year old man out there. This argument is ridiculous and the asterisk talk is even more ridiculous.
Ah, there you go. I don't even know where to start, this is so retarded.
First of all, Bonds fucking took steroids. He admitted it. It's kind of well known that he did. From San Francisco Chronicle:
Barry Bonds told a federal grand jury that he used a clear substance and a cream supplied by the Burlingame laboratory now enmeshed in a sports doping scandal, but he said he never thought they were steroids, The Chronicle has learned.
Federal prosecutors charge that the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, known as BALCO, distributed undetectable steroids to elite athletes in the form of a clear substance that was taken orally and a cream that was rubbed onto the body.
Bonds testified that he had received and used clear and cream substances from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, during the 2003 baseball season but was told they were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis, according to a transcript of his testimony reviewed by The Chronicle.
He admitted to using them. He's just insulting everyone's intelligence by saying he didn't knowingly take steroids. Idiots that defend him by saying he never was proven to have taken them can shove Barry's syringes up their asses.
Second of all, ever hear of guys like Jason Giambi? Rafael Palmeiro? Guys who have definitely taken steroids and put up exceptional numbers that they probably could not achieve when their nads were bigger? Lots of guys have definitely improved their numbers by taken steroids, not just Barry. Some guys just don't have the talent that Bonds already has.
Steroids are not why Barry Bonds is the best player ever, his statistics are.
......
Teacher: Hey! Put your textbook away! That's cheating!
Student: Leave me alone! Using a textbook, which has all of the answers and will enable me to get a perfect score on a closed book exam, is not the reason I'm a great student! My perfect scores are!
What's funny is how people point out that Barry gained 20-30 pounds over a 15 year period. Who hasn't? It's not like Bonds is ripped, have you seen him lately? Bonds is fat, similar to every other 42 year old man out there.
Being ripped does not make you an intentional-gonads-shrinker or vice versa. I like how the pictures he uses show a skinny Barry Bonds with a tiny head and then a picture of the Bonds of now who is insanely broad with a head that dwarfs Kevin Mench's Shrek head. This guy uses pictures that totally make the opposite point of the one he wants to make. This blogger is a moron.
I want Barry Bonds to break his leg tomorrow and be out for the season. Then when he tries to come back next year, he gets into a car accident with Carl Pavano. Bonds breaks all of his ribs and suffers a severe concussion. Pavano gets a small scratch on his ass due to sliding around on the seat. Both are forced to retire, and Pavano neglects to tell anybody.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
An energy and excitement update
It gives me great pleasure to report this.
Jimmy Rollins
.001 ExI (Excitement Index), .033 UnDLPoDA (Unnecessarily Dances Like a Prick outside Dugout Average), .028 MMWJkOr (Makes Morons Wanna Jerk Off Rate)
Hanley Ramirez
.001 ExI, .029 UnDLPoDA, .028 MMWJkOr
Edgar Renteria
-.007 ExI, .032 UnDLPoDA, .019 MMWJkOr
Jose Reyes
.989 ExI, 1.283 (New MLB Record!!!) UnDLPoDA, 1.107 MMWJkOr (or about what ARod can slug under anesthesia)
Jose Reyes is amazing. He's so exciting. That's gotta account for like, every win the Mets have. And he always hustles, too. All those other shortstops suck because they're not exciting. But, in case you're interested in actual performance and shit, which you shouldn't be because excitement and energy is what counts, here you go:
Jimmy Rollins
.295 eqA, 9.2 WARP3
Hanley Ramirez
.327 eqA, 9.0 WARP3
Edgar Renteria
.316 eqA, 10.4 WARP3
Jose Reyes
.303 eqA, 9.2 WARP3
Fuck that their actual performance is practically all the same. That shit doesn't measure the essence or the true value of Jose Reyes. I'd take Reyes over those other guys anyday.
Jimmy Rollins
.001 ExI (Excitement Index), .033 UnDLPoDA (Unnecessarily Dances Like a Prick outside Dugout Average), .028 MMWJkOr (Makes Morons Wanna Jerk Off Rate)
Hanley Ramirez
.001 ExI, .029 UnDLPoDA, .028 MMWJkOr
Edgar Renteria
-.007 ExI, .032 UnDLPoDA, .019 MMWJkOr
Jose Reyes
.989 ExI, 1.283 (New MLB Record!!!) UnDLPoDA, 1.107 MMWJkOr (or about what ARod can slug under anesthesia)
Jose Reyes is amazing. He's so exciting. That's gotta account for like, every win the Mets have. And he always hustles, too. All those other shortstops suck because they're not exciting. But, in case you're interested in actual performance and shit, which you shouldn't be because excitement and energy is what counts, here you go:
Jimmy Rollins
.295 eqA, 9.2 WARP3
Hanley Ramirez
.327 eqA, 9.0 WARP3
Edgar Renteria
.316 eqA, 10.4 WARP3
Jose Reyes
.303 eqA, 9.2 WARP3
Fuck that their actual performance is practically all the same. That shit doesn't measure the essence or the true value of Jose Reyes. I'd take Reyes over those other guys anyday.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball! Episode 3: Joe Morgan has even done things he didn't do!
NOTE: Some necessary background for the episode from a recent Phil Mushnick article:
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Wow, what a truly great start to a career!!
Great story. But unless Morgan was confusing himself with Reds rookie infielder Chico Ruiz, it never happened. As several readers were moved to write, the Phillies played the Reds, Braves and Cardinals during that losing streak; Houston wasn't in the mix.
Furthermore, Morgan, though called up in 1964, did not have an RBI that season for Houston.
And he did not make his big-league debut in '64, either. That came Sept. 21, 1963, when he went 0-for-1, pinch-hitting against the Phillies. The next day, Morgan did have an RBI single to beat the Phillies, but those Phillies were well out of the race and not in the throes of a historic collapse; they'd actually won four of their previous five games.
Oh, so I guess not so truly.
In the first inning
Joe Morgan: Well, tonight could be the night! The 10,000th loss for the Philadelphia Phillies is near!
Jon Miller: (with mike turned off, or so he thinks) Joe, pipe the fuck (doesn't get bleeped, millions of e-mail and phone call complaints start coming in) down! I'm trying to order Chinese food! Yes, hi. I'd like dumplings, spare ribs, General Tso's Chicken, pork lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, anything and everything that goes into a fryer, a bucket of egg rolls...(continues naming items for 5 straight minutes on the air) with a side order of bacon fat and an all-you-can-eat buffet for a party of 35. Thanks. (hangs up the phone) Of course, since I'm going to be sharing all of this food...HA! Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know, Alex Rodriguez...
When Cardinals go up 10-0
Joe Morgan: Well, that 10,000th loss is eminent!
Smart Stat Guy in the back: That's IMMINENT, you idiot.
Joe Morgan: Whatever, but, back in 1964, the Phillies were in the midst of a big collapse and I got a huge RBI single to help sink them. Their manager was so mad that he said that they were beaten by a "Little Leaguer"!
Jon Miller: That's quite a story there, Joe!
Joe Morgan: Yes, in fact, I've had a lot of great moments in my career.
Jon Miller: Please share!
Joe Morgan: Well, I won 2 MVPs.
Jon Miller: That's right.
Joe Morgan: I won 2 World Series!
Jon Miller: Nothing like having rings.
Joe Morgan: I won 6 Cy Youngs!
Jon Miller: (eating and not paying attention) That's great.
Joe Morgan: I pitched a perfect game in the World Series!
Jon Miller: .......(too busy eating)
Joe Morgan: I also invented the curveball, the two-seam fastball, the cutter, and the congratulatory ass-slap!
Jon Miller: .......(napping)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back decided to leave and let Morgan talk about how he changed the game all by himself. Currently, Smart Stat Guy is at a pub getting free drinks from a hot bartender.
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Wow, what a truly great start to a career!!
Great story. But unless Morgan was confusing himself with Reds rookie infielder Chico Ruiz, it never happened. As several readers were moved to write, the Phillies played the Reds, Braves and Cardinals during that losing streak; Houston wasn't in the mix.
Furthermore, Morgan, though called up in 1964, did not have an RBI that season for Houston.
And he did not make his big-league debut in '64, either. That came Sept. 21, 1963, when he went 0-for-1, pinch-hitting against the Phillies. The next day, Morgan did have an RBI single to beat the Phillies, but those Phillies were well out of the race and not in the throes of a historic collapse; they'd actually won four of their previous five games.
Oh, so I guess not so truly.
In the first inning
Joe Morgan: Well, tonight could be the night! The 10,000th loss for the Philadelphia Phillies is near!
Jon Miller: (with mike turned off, or so he thinks) Joe, pipe the fuck (doesn't get bleeped, millions of e-mail and phone call complaints start coming in) down! I'm trying to order Chinese food! Yes, hi. I'd like dumplings, spare ribs, General Tso's Chicken, pork lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, anything and everything that goes into a fryer, a bucket of egg rolls...(continues naming items for 5 straight minutes on the air) with a side order of bacon fat and an all-you-can-eat buffet for a party of 35. Thanks. (hangs up the phone) Of course, since I'm going to be sharing all of this food...HA! Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know, Alex Rodriguez...
When Cardinals go up 10-0
Joe Morgan: Well, that 10,000th loss is eminent!
Smart Stat Guy in the back: That's IMMINENT, you idiot.
Joe Morgan: Whatever, but, back in 1964, the Phillies were in the midst of a big collapse and I got a huge RBI single to help sink them. Their manager was so mad that he said that they were beaten by a "Little Leaguer"!
Jon Miller: That's quite a story there, Joe!
Joe Morgan: Yes, in fact, I've had a lot of great moments in my career.
Jon Miller: Please share!
Joe Morgan: Well, I won 2 MVPs.
Jon Miller: That's right.
Joe Morgan: I won 2 World Series!
Jon Miller: Nothing like having rings.
Joe Morgan: I won 6 Cy Youngs!
Jon Miller: (eating and not paying attention) That's great.
Joe Morgan: I pitched a perfect game in the World Series!
Jon Miller: .......(too busy eating)
Joe Morgan: I also invented the curveball, the two-seam fastball, the cutter, and the congratulatory ass-slap!
Jon Miller: .......(napping)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back decided to leave and let Morgan talk about how he changed the game all by himself. Currently, Smart Stat Guy is at a pub getting free drinks from a hot bartender.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Mike Francesa is an obese, obnoxious, know-it-all prick
After the YES Network's coverage of the Yankees ended yesterday, it went right to WFAN's Mike and the Maddog. Russo (Maddog) wasn't there, so it was just Fatso. Here are two of the things he said. Let's dissect this fat bastard's comment one by one.
Top pitchers close out games like this. Wang didn't do it today. And he had good stuff. A top pitcher when he has his good stuff makes that 2-0 lead stand. That's what separates a top pitcher from just a good pitcher.
Look, I'm bummed that Wang blew the lead. He was great for 6 innings and it came apart in the 7th inning, when he gave up all three runs in what seemed like 30 seconds. But, Francesa made this sound as if it's the worst thing in the world to blow a two run lead like that. Wang in total went 7 1/3 innings, allowing 3 ER and walked nobody. That's a very good outing. He pitched very late into the game and gave the team an excellent chance to win. I guess Francesa would prefer a guy go 6 innings and allow 7 ER but since his lineup scored 11 runs and the bullpen allowed no runs, the starter did a great job because he was able to "pitch to the score" and "won" the game. Does this make the 6 inning, 7 ER guy better than Wang? Francesa would probably say yes, because he's an idiot.
B.A.: Hey, Mike. Love listening to your show. I heard-
Francesa: We'll be back after this.
(4 minutes of commercials)
(WFAN Mike and the Maddog return from commercial music)
Francesa: Alright, we're back, go ahead B.A.
B.A.: Thanks. I just wanted to ask you about the free agent signing. I heard that Rick Helling is a free agent along with Johan Santana. I think that the Yankees should go after Santana. Do you agree?
Francesa: 20/20 update, with Minko.
(20/20 update, then 7 minutes of commercials)
(WFAN Mike and the Maddog return from commercial music)
Francesa: Alright we're back. And if any of you while listening to this show ever get a midnight craving, there's nothing quite like the Jon Miller Bacon Fat Banana Split, or the Mike Francesa Steak Lard Cannoli. Pick up one of these on your next trip to Dairy Queen after a trip to Paul Lo Duca's 13-and-under Night Club. Alright, so back to B.A.'s question.
B.A.: Yes, thank you.
Francesa: One more commercial break, back after this.
(14 minutes of commercials)
Francesa: OK, we're back. So I'm going to get to B.A.'s question.
B.A.: Thanks.
Francesa: How could you want Johan Santana over Rick Helling? Rick Helling won all 35 of his starts this year. Santana didn't win any!
B.A.: But Helling's ERA and WHIP weighed more than you do.
Francesa: What does that even mean? And who cares? He won those games.
B.A.: Well, his lineup consisted of 9 ARods. Santana's lineup was the St. Paul Geriatric Center Canasta team. And Santana had 24.78 K/9 IP with a 0.1 WHIP. He pitched 31 no-hitters and 6 1-hitters.
Francesa: But did he win those games?
B.A.: If he had any sort of lineup-
Francesa: (loudly and obnoxiously) Answer my question, did he win the games?
B.A.: No, he didn't, but how does that make Santana-
Francesa: There you go.
B.A.: Will you shut up and let me make my point fatso? You honestly would rather take a guy who sucks but gets wins because his lineup is disgusting over a guy who's damn near perfect but loses because his lineup's combined age also weighs more than you?
Francesa: It actually doesn't, I weighed in at 2 tons yesterday. And, yes I would. Because he won the games. Case closed. Show's over. Time for some raw ground sirloin 24 inch subs.
I don't think the Yankees are catching Boston. I think they'll get the Wild Card. But guys, they're not catching Boston. They're 7 games back with 70 games to play. It's hard to blow that kind of lead. And Boston's good! They got a lot of talent on that team. They're going to start playing better baseball very soon. That guy Gabbard is pitching great in Schilling's spot. Manny's very due to get hot, too. Watch out for him.
Francesa's a Yankees fan by the way. But, come on. Boston's good?! I've already written about this, but let's go over everything again:
Youkilis and Lowell - Two guys who were hitting way over their heads for the two-three months. They've been coming back down to earth for a little while and are still due to keep going down because of how ridiculous their starts were.
Matsuzaka - He's pretty good, but he's not unhittable. Yankees have scored a bunch of runs each time he's pitched.
Beckett - This guy feasts on bad teams. Good teams more often than not knock him around. I can't wait to see him have to start against Detroit. Or have to face Cleveland again. What I love about this trade is that the great genius Theo Epstein gave up Hanley Ramirez for this guy and the HMH-taker with the genie beard...and now they're stuck with Julio fucking Lugo. HA!
Wakefield - So hit or miss, and it looks like all his hits came in the first 1.5 months.
Gabbard - 3.38 ERA, 1.19 WHIP in 29.1 innings. Let's hold off on the coronation. A more telling stat is in the 55 innings he's pitched in the big leagues, he has 30 walks. That's terrible. A guy like that is not going to keep dodging bullets.
Papelbon - As pointed out before, he's fragile. Francona has to be very careful with him.
Crisp, Lugo, Drew - Stink like a rotten fish market, or a you-know-what.
Manny - I know his track record can't be ignored, but Manny is 35 and he's never struggled (for Manny that is) for this long. Entirely possible that he's on the decline.
Ortiz - With his knee and my theory that he got off whatever he was taking because of that irregular heartbeat, he's not going to hit for power. And while he hits in Fenway which inflates BA, it's going to come down. He will not finish at .320. I also love how his PrSLG is .511. So take away some of his Fenway Park doubles (Fenway is #1 place to hit doubles this year, and has been #1 for the past 3 seasons) and he's slugging about 120-150 points lower than he did in his previous two seasons.
The AL East title is entirely reachable for the Yankees. Mike Francesa's body fat percentage, weight, and BOC (Blood Obnoxiousness Content) on the other hand, is unreachable.
Top pitchers close out games like this. Wang didn't do it today. And he had good stuff. A top pitcher when he has his good stuff makes that 2-0 lead stand. That's what separates a top pitcher from just a good pitcher.
Look, I'm bummed that Wang blew the lead. He was great for 6 innings and it came apart in the 7th inning, when he gave up all three runs in what seemed like 30 seconds. But, Francesa made this sound as if it's the worst thing in the world to blow a two run lead like that. Wang in total went 7 1/3 innings, allowing 3 ER and walked nobody. That's a very good outing. He pitched very late into the game and gave the team an excellent chance to win. I guess Francesa would prefer a guy go 6 innings and allow 7 ER but since his lineup scored 11 runs and the bullpen allowed no runs, the starter did a great job because he was able to "pitch to the score" and "won" the game. Does this make the 6 inning, 7 ER guy better than Wang? Francesa would probably say yes, because he's an idiot.
B.A.: Hey, Mike. Love listening to your show. I heard-
Francesa: We'll be back after this.
(4 minutes of commercials)
(WFAN Mike and the Maddog return from commercial music)
Francesa: Alright, we're back, go ahead B.A.
B.A.: Thanks. I just wanted to ask you about the free agent signing. I heard that Rick Helling is a free agent along with Johan Santana. I think that the Yankees should go after Santana. Do you agree?
Francesa: 20/20 update, with Minko.
(20/20 update, then 7 minutes of commercials)
(WFAN Mike and the Maddog return from commercial music)
Francesa: Alright we're back. And if any of you while listening to this show ever get a midnight craving, there's nothing quite like the Jon Miller Bacon Fat Banana Split, or the Mike Francesa Steak Lard Cannoli. Pick up one of these on your next trip to Dairy Queen after a trip to Paul Lo Duca's 13-and-under Night Club. Alright, so back to B.A.'s question.
B.A.: Yes, thank you.
Francesa: One more commercial break, back after this.
(14 minutes of commercials)
Francesa: OK, we're back. So I'm going to get to B.A.'s question.
B.A.: Thanks.
Francesa: How could you want Johan Santana over Rick Helling? Rick Helling won all 35 of his starts this year. Santana didn't win any!
B.A.: But Helling's ERA and WHIP weighed more than you do.
Francesa: What does that even mean? And who cares? He won those games.
B.A.: Well, his lineup consisted of 9 ARods. Santana's lineup was the St. Paul Geriatric Center Canasta team. And Santana had 24.78 K/9 IP with a 0.1 WHIP. He pitched 31 no-hitters and 6 1-hitters.
Francesa: But did he win those games?
B.A.: If he had any sort of lineup-
Francesa: (loudly and obnoxiously) Answer my question, did he win the games?
B.A.: No, he didn't, but how does that make Santana-
Francesa: There you go.
B.A.: Will you shut up and let me make my point fatso? You honestly would rather take a guy who sucks but gets wins because his lineup is disgusting over a guy who's damn near perfect but loses because his lineup's combined age also weighs more than you?
Francesa: It actually doesn't, I weighed in at 2 tons yesterday. And, yes I would. Because he won the games. Case closed. Show's over. Time for some raw ground sirloin 24 inch subs.
I don't think the Yankees are catching Boston. I think they'll get the Wild Card. But guys, they're not catching Boston. They're 7 games back with 70 games to play. It's hard to blow that kind of lead. And Boston's good! They got a lot of talent on that team. They're going to start playing better baseball very soon. That guy Gabbard is pitching great in Schilling's spot. Manny's very due to get hot, too. Watch out for him.
Francesa's a Yankees fan by the way. But, come on. Boston's good?! I've already written about this, but let's go over everything again:
Youkilis and Lowell - Two guys who were hitting way over their heads for the two-three months. They've been coming back down to earth for a little while and are still due to keep going down because of how ridiculous their starts were.
Matsuzaka - He's pretty good, but he's not unhittable. Yankees have scored a bunch of runs each time he's pitched.
Beckett - This guy feasts on bad teams. Good teams more often than not knock him around. I can't wait to see him have to start against Detroit. Or have to face Cleveland again. What I love about this trade is that the great genius Theo Epstein gave up Hanley Ramirez for this guy and the HMH-taker with the genie beard...and now they're stuck with Julio fucking Lugo. HA!
Wakefield - So hit or miss, and it looks like all his hits came in the first 1.5 months.
Gabbard - 3.38 ERA, 1.19 WHIP in 29.1 innings. Let's hold off on the coronation. A more telling stat is in the 55 innings he's pitched in the big leagues, he has 30 walks. That's terrible. A guy like that is not going to keep dodging bullets.
Papelbon - As pointed out before, he's fragile. Francona has to be very careful with him.
Crisp, Lugo, Drew - Stink like a rotten fish market, or a you-know-what.
Manny - I know his track record can't be ignored, but Manny is 35 and he's never struggled (for Manny that is) for this long. Entirely possible that he's on the decline.
Ortiz - With his knee and my theory that he got off whatever he was taking because of that irregular heartbeat, he's not going to hit for power. And while he hits in Fenway which inflates BA, it's going to come down. He will not finish at .320. I also love how his PrSLG is .511. So take away some of his Fenway Park doubles (Fenway is #1 place to hit doubles this year, and has been #1 for the past 3 seasons) and he's slugging about 120-150 points lower than he did in his previous two seasons.
The AL East title is entirely reachable for the Yankees. Mike Francesa's body fat percentage, weight, and BOC (Blood Obnoxiousness Content) on the other hand, is unreachable.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Jose Reyes plays smallball, Alex Rodriguez hits longballs, which do you want?
While checking out Baseball Think Factory, I saw that they had posted something from Newsday:
Newsday posed the question to the experts - executives and scouts around the industry, although not from the Mets or Yankees - who were asked to keep in mind not only the players’ talents, but also their ages and contracts. Of the 16 officials from 16 clubs that responded, on the condition of anonymity, Reyes won in a blowout, 11 to 5.
Offered a scout: “I think that A-Rod is hypersensitive, and that affects his mood swings and performance swings. It appears from a distance that Reyes is less susceptible to these fluctuations.”
A second scout said that, despite A-Rod’s current run, he couldn’t shake visions of Rodriguez’s outward lack of confidence during slumps.
..."When you need a hit, he can come through with a bunt, a home run, a stolen base. A-Rod has got more power, no doubt about it. But if you tell me that it’s the ninth inning, and who you want to come into the plate to win the game for you? Between A-Rod and Reyes, I’ll pick Reyes.”
A scout, citing Reyes’ youth and speed as his deciding factor, said: “He can manufacture more runs than a home run streak. He’s tougher to pitch to with the switch-hitting ability, if you need a hit.
I'm at a loss for words at this stupidity.
Jose Reyes
Close and Late (2007)
.244/.370/.267
Monthly Splits (2007)
April: .356/.442/.596
May: .268/.349/.348
June: .330/.405/.425
July: .250/.318/.417
Runs Created/27 outs (RC/27 for short, basically, how many runs a lineup of Jose Reyeses would score)
6.25
has been pulled from two games for not hustling
Alex Rodriguez
Close and Late (2007)
.326/.396/.717
Monthly Splits (2007)
April: .355/.415/.882
May: .235/.361/.422
June: .406/.500/.781
July: .192/.288/.462
RC/27
9.50
has been pulled from exactly zero games for not hustling
I assume that these scouts/officials all looked at these numbers and concluded:
a. Reyes is the guy you want at the plate in the late innings during a close game
b. Reyes is less succeptible to mood/performance swings
c. Reyes can manufacture more runs than a home run streak
Way to reach smart conclusions. Since you guys don't want him, we'll keep ARod so he can keep kicking all of your asses.
And just for the hell of it, in case people want to talk about how Reyes was much better in the late innings of close games than ARod last year, Reyes was .264/.343/.396 in 91 AB and ARod was .237/.326/.368 in 76 AB. If ARod continued that same pace for another 15 AB, that would project to Reyes having 2 more hits. Whoopdy doo! He's more clutch! Blow me! (when you're done blowing Jose) Look, Reyes is good. He's getting on base a lot and playing pretty solid defense. THAT'S WHY HE'S GOOD. IT IS NOT BECAUSE HE STEALS BASES (btw, he's been caught 13 times for a 78% success rate = not that helpful) OR BECAUSE HE'S EXCITING. GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEADS, MORONS.
Newsday posed the question to the experts - executives and scouts around the industry, although not from the Mets or Yankees - who were asked to keep in mind not only the players’ talents, but also their ages and contracts. Of the 16 officials from 16 clubs that responded, on the condition of anonymity, Reyes won in a blowout, 11 to 5.
Offered a scout: “I think that A-Rod is hypersensitive, and that affects his mood swings and performance swings. It appears from a distance that Reyes is less susceptible to these fluctuations.”
A second scout said that, despite A-Rod’s current run, he couldn’t shake visions of Rodriguez’s outward lack of confidence during slumps.
..."When you need a hit, he can come through with a bunt, a home run, a stolen base. A-Rod has got more power, no doubt about it. But if you tell me that it’s the ninth inning, and who you want to come into the plate to win the game for you? Between A-Rod and Reyes, I’ll pick Reyes.”
A scout, citing Reyes’ youth and speed as his deciding factor, said: “He can manufacture more runs than a home run streak. He’s tougher to pitch to with the switch-hitting ability, if you need a hit.
I'm at a loss for words at this stupidity.
Jose Reyes
Close and Late (2007)
.244/.370/.267
Monthly Splits (2007)
April: .356/.442/.596
May: .268/.349/.348
June: .330/.405/.425
July: .250/.318/.417
Runs Created/27 outs (RC/27 for short, basically, how many runs a lineup of Jose Reyeses would score)
6.25
has been pulled from two games for not hustling
Alex Rodriguez
Close and Late (2007)
.326/.396/.717
Monthly Splits (2007)
April: .355/.415/.882
May: .235/.361/.422
June: .406/.500/.781
July: .192/.288/.462
RC/27
9.50
has been pulled from exactly zero games for not hustling
I assume that these scouts/officials all looked at these numbers and concluded:
a. Reyes is the guy you want at the plate in the late innings during a close game
b. Reyes is less succeptible to mood/performance swings
c. Reyes can manufacture more runs than a home run streak
Way to reach smart conclusions. Since you guys don't want him, we'll keep ARod so he can keep kicking all of your asses.
And just for the hell of it, in case people want to talk about how Reyes was much better in the late innings of close games than ARod last year, Reyes was .264/.343/.396 in 91 AB and ARod was .237/.326/.368 in 76 AB. If ARod continued that same pace for another 15 AB, that would project to Reyes having 2 more hits. Whoopdy doo! He's more clutch! Blow me! (when you're done blowing Jose) Look, Reyes is good. He's getting on base a lot and playing pretty solid defense. THAT'S WHY HE'S GOOD. IT IS NOT BECAUSE HE STEALS BASES (btw, he's been caught 13 times for a 78% success rate = not that helpful) OR BECAUSE HE'S EXCITING. GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEADS, MORONS.
Fuck Gary Sheffield
I don’t like Joe Torre as a manager. I think he makes terrible bullpen decisions and really has no clue sometimes. However, as a person, he is a class act. Native New Yorker, great ballplayer, very respected and liked by his peers and players that have played for him. Which is why bullshit like this pisses me off.
Gary Sheffield has sparked another media storm by charging New York Yankees manager Joe Torre treated African-American players more harshly than white teammates.
Here we go...
The Detroit Tigers DH, who played in the Bronx from 2004-06, tells Kremer that Torre singled him out in team meetings, while criticizing white teammates in private.
"I'd see a lot of white players get called in the office and treated like a man. That's the difference," says Sheffield.
So, because players who happened to be white were called into his office for criticism, but you were singled out in team meetings, Joe Torre is a racist? Are you sure it's not just because you're a jackass?
But when Kremer presses him whether he believes Torre's a racist, Sheffield says "no." When she points out Derek Jeter is the Yankees most prominent player, Sheffield responds the biracial Jeter is not "all the way black."
Yeah, if Derek Jeter's mom was black instead of Irish, you can bet that he wouldn't be one of if not Joe Torre's favorite player. Torre doesn't like guys based on how they go about their business, whether they have a good work ethic or not, etc. He bases his fondness of players on the color of their skin. Go to hell, Sheffield.
And also, need I point out how illogical it is to make such statements about Torre and then claim he's not a racist?
Joe Morgan: Hey, Jon. You really ought to lay off all that bacon fat. The booth has collapsed from underneath you 8 straight Sunday Nights.
Jon Miller: Are you saying that I'm fat?!
Joe Morgan: No, I'm not saying that at all.
Torre benched Sheffield during Game 3 of the Yankees' playoff loss to the Tigers last season. From the start of his tenure in pinstripes, Sheffield thought Torre wanted Vladimir Guerrero rather than him. If Sheffield's real objective, however, is to sully the reputation of his former skipper, then his comments make a lot of sense. Sheffield's Torre-bashing was all over the airwaves this weekend after Newsday revealed them Friday. On Sunday, ESPN's SportsCenter reported Sheffield's former teammate Kenny Lofton "backed up" his allegations by saying Sheffield "knows what he's talking about."
Number of teams Kenny Lofton has been on: 11, I wonder why...
It's not mentioned in this article, but Sheffield also said to ask Tony Womack about the allegations and that Womack would back him up. Womack has not said anything yet to my knowledge, but if he does agree with Sheffield, allow me to point out something:
Tony Womack (2005)
.556 OPS/47 OPS+(!!!!!!!!!), 8 2B, 1 3B, 0 HR, and was a 13-year veteran
essentially benched in favor of:
Robinson Cano (2005)
.778 OPS/102 OPS+, 34 2B, 4 3B, 14 HR, and was a 22 year old rookie
I can't imagine a guy who had been in the big leagues for 13 seasons would be too thrilled about losing his starting job at second base to a 22 year old rookie. So if he were to blame anyone other than himself, it would not be surprising if he irritably lambasted Torre.
And as far as Torre wanting Vladimir Guerrero instead of Sheffield...
Vladimir Guerrero
1998: .960 OPS/152 OPS+
1999: .978 OPS/139 OPS+
2000: 1.074 OPS/166 OPS+
2001: .943 OPS/133 OPS+
2002: 1.010 OPS/162 OPS+
2003: 1.012 OPS/144 OPS+
Age going into 2004 season: 28
JACk+ (Adjusted Jackass): -73
people were worried about possible back problems with him to be fair, but that was mostly due to the artificial turf in Montreal
Gary Sheffield
1998: .952 OPS/156 OPS+
1999: .930 OPS/138 OPS+
2000: 1.081 OPS/178 OPS+
2001: 1.000 OPS/167 OPS+
2002: .916 OPS/140 OPS+
2003: 1.023 OPS/167 OPS+
JACk+: 207
Age going into 2004 season: 35
Sheffield is a little better, but Guerrero's 7 years younger and much less of a jackass. I would have taken Guerrero over Sheffield, and Guerrero has outperformed Sheffield in the AL. His OPS has been at least .934 each year since being in Anaheim, with the best being .989. Sheffield's best has been .927, with an .891 in his other full season.
Sheffield fancies himself a truth-teller exposing the hypocrisy of baseball. But as Kremer points out in her piece, he can be full of it himself. Torre's Yankees have helped two African-American players close to Sheffield with their off-the-field problems: his uncle Dwight Gooden and Gooden's close friend Darryl Strawberry.
Thanks for doing the talking for me.
I also would like to add that during the Blue Jays-Yankees broadcast on Monday night, Kay said that he spoke with Jim Leyritz about the comments, and Leyritz said something along the lines of, "Torre didn't like me and I'm white. He'd single me out, bench me, etc. because I was a loudmouth. I spoke my mind and complained a lot. Torre doesn't like those kinds of people. It has nothing to do with their races."
Not to mention, Torre went out of his way to get Sheffield into the lineup at the end of the season and in the postseason by putting him at first base (which he was terrible at by the way).
Go perform biological impossibility, Sheffield. You loudmouth, selfish, egotistical schmuck.
Gary Sheffield has sparked another media storm by charging New York Yankees manager Joe Torre treated African-American players more harshly than white teammates.
Here we go...
The Detroit Tigers DH, who played in the Bronx from 2004-06, tells Kremer that Torre singled him out in team meetings, while criticizing white teammates in private.
"I'd see a lot of white players get called in the office and treated like a man. That's the difference," says Sheffield.
So, because players who happened to be white were called into his office for criticism, but you were singled out in team meetings, Joe Torre is a racist? Are you sure it's not just because you're a jackass?
But when Kremer presses him whether he believes Torre's a racist, Sheffield says "no." When she points out Derek Jeter is the Yankees most prominent player, Sheffield responds the biracial Jeter is not "all the way black."
Yeah, if Derek Jeter's mom was black instead of Irish, you can bet that he wouldn't be one of if not Joe Torre's favorite player. Torre doesn't like guys based on how they go about their business, whether they have a good work ethic or not, etc. He bases his fondness of players on the color of their skin. Go to hell, Sheffield.
And also, need I point out how illogical it is to make such statements about Torre and then claim he's not a racist?
Joe Morgan: Hey, Jon. You really ought to lay off all that bacon fat. The booth has collapsed from underneath you 8 straight Sunday Nights.
Jon Miller: Are you saying that I'm fat?!
Joe Morgan: No, I'm not saying that at all.
Torre benched Sheffield during Game 3 of the Yankees' playoff loss to the Tigers last season. From the start of his tenure in pinstripes, Sheffield thought Torre wanted Vladimir Guerrero rather than him. If Sheffield's real objective, however, is to sully the reputation of his former skipper, then his comments make a lot of sense. Sheffield's Torre-bashing was all over the airwaves this weekend after Newsday revealed them Friday. On Sunday, ESPN's SportsCenter reported Sheffield's former teammate Kenny Lofton "backed up" his allegations by saying Sheffield "knows what he's talking about."
Number of teams Kenny Lofton has been on: 11, I wonder why...
It's not mentioned in this article, but Sheffield also said to ask Tony Womack about the allegations and that Womack would back him up. Womack has not said anything yet to my knowledge, but if he does agree with Sheffield, allow me to point out something:
Tony Womack (2005)
.556 OPS/47 OPS+(!!!!!!!!!), 8 2B, 1 3B, 0 HR, and was a 13-year veteran
essentially benched in favor of:
Robinson Cano (2005)
.778 OPS/102 OPS+, 34 2B, 4 3B, 14 HR, and was a 22 year old rookie
I can't imagine a guy who had been in the big leagues for 13 seasons would be too thrilled about losing his starting job at second base to a 22 year old rookie. So if he were to blame anyone other than himself, it would not be surprising if he irritably lambasted Torre.
And as far as Torre wanting Vladimir Guerrero instead of Sheffield...
Vladimir Guerrero
1998: .960 OPS/152 OPS+
1999: .978 OPS/139 OPS+
2000: 1.074 OPS/166 OPS+
2001: .943 OPS/133 OPS+
2002: 1.010 OPS/162 OPS+
2003: 1.012 OPS/144 OPS+
Age going into 2004 season: 28
JACk+ (Adjusted Jackass): -73
people were worried about possible back problems with him to be fair, but that was mostly due to the artificial turf in Montreal
Gary Sheffield
1998: .952 OPS/156 OPS+
1999: .930 OPS/138 OPS+
2000: 1.081 OPS/178 OPS+
2001: 1.000 OPS/167 OPS+
2002: .916 OPS/140 OPS+
2003: 1.023 OPS/167 OPS+
JACk+: 207
Age going into 2004 season: 35
Sheffield is a little better, but Guerrero's 7 years younger and much less of a jackass. I would have taken Guerrero over Sheffield, and Guerrero has outperformed Sheffield in the AL. His OPS has been at least .934 each year since being in Anaheim, with the best being .989. Sheffield's best has been .927, with an .891 in his other full season.
Sheffield fancies himself a truth-teller exposing the hypocrisy of baseball. But as Kremer points out in her piece, he can be full of it himself. Torre's Yankees have helped two African-American players close to Sheffield with their off-the-field problems: his uncle Dwight Gooden and Gooden's close friend Darryl Strawberry.
Thanks for doing the talking for me.
I also would like to add that during the Blue Jays-Yankees broadcast on Monday night, Kay said that he spoke with Jim Leyritz about the comments, and Leyritz said something along the lines of, "Torre didn't like me and I'm white. He'd single me out, bench me, etc. because I was a loudmouth. I spoke my mind and complained a lot. Torre doesn't like those kinds of people. It has nothing to do with their races."
Not to mention, Torre went out of his way to get Sheffield into the lineup at the end of the season and in the postseason by putting him at first base (which he was terrible at by the way).
Go perform biological impossibility, Sheffield. You loudmouth, selfish, egotistical schmuck.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Nobody likes Suzyn Waldman
Amen, indeed, Douggy. I think you missed last night's trivia question though, proof that nobody likes her.
Michael Kay: Here’s the Aflac Trivia Question, and we’re going to have a multiple choice one tonight.
Q: When is Suzyn Waldman being a moron?
a. whenever she’s talking about baseball
b. whenever she’s talking about anything
c. whenever she doesn’t just stay in her apartment by herself with the blinds closed and doesn’t communicate with any living being of any kind (and yes, that includes plants, fungi, insects, etc.)
Another new thing about the trivia question tonight, fans can send in their answers by text messaging, and those who get it right will be called back at that same number, and awarded a prize.
(next inning)
Michael Kay: You know, with the score being 15-3, Kenny, you have to wonder, what if it was 14-3?
Ken Singleton: That’s a good point, Michael.
Michael Kay: Yeah, I mean, you really have wonder about these things. Like, Alex Rodriguez’s grand slam earlier. He hit it 467 feet, but, you have to wonder, Joe, what if it went 466 feet? Wouldn’t that change the complexion of the game?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Absolutely nothing would change, Michael. Shut the fuck up with your stupid hypothetical questions and show the answer to the Aflac Trivia Question.
Michael Kay: OK OK…well here’s the answer to the Aflac Trivia Question. Here it is again for people who missed it.
Q: When is Suzyn Waldman being a moron?
a. whenever she’s talking about baseball
b. whenever she’s talking about anything
c. whenever she doesn’t just stay in her apartment by herself with the blinds closed and doesn’t communicate with any living being of any kind (and yes, that includes plants, fungi, insects, etc.)
A: The answer is all of them, with each answer being more accurate than the previous one. The awards are as follows.
People who chose a: free 12 pack of beer, that way you could at least be buzzed when listening to her, if you absolutely have to
People who chose b: free 30 rack of beer, that way you can do the above but possibly black out, therefore being able to forget the whole ordeal
People who chose c: all the Everclear you can drink so you can die and never have to hear her voice again
Michael Kay: Here’s the Aflac Trivia Question, and we’re going to have a multiple choice one tonight.
Q: When is Suzyn Waldman being a moron?
a. whenever she’s talking about baseball
b. whenever she’s talking about anything
c. whenever she doesn’t just stay in her apartment by herself with the blinds closed and doesn’t communicate with any living being of any kind (and yes, that includes plants, fungi, insects, etc.)
Another new thing about the trivia question tonight, fans can send in their answers by text messaging, and those who get it right will be called back at that same number, and awarded a prize.
(next inning)
Michael Kay: You know, with the score being 15-3, Kenny, you have to wonder, what if it was 14-3?
Ken Singleton: That’s a good point, Michael.
Michael Kay: Yeah, I mean, you really have wonder about these things. Like, Alex Rodriguez’s grand slam earlier. He hit it 467 feet, but, you have to wonder, Joe, what if it went 466 feet? Wouldn’t that change the complexion of the game?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Absolutely nothing would change, Michael. Shut the fuck up with your stupid hypothetical questions and show the answer to the Aflac Trivia Question.
Michael Kay: OK OK…well here’s the answer to the Aflac Trivia Question. Here it is again for people who missed it.
Q: When is Suzyn Waldman being a moron?
a. whenever she’s talking about baseball
b. whenever she’s talking about anything
c. whenever she doesn’t just stay in her apartment by herself with the blinds closed and doesn’t communicate with any living being of any kind (and yes, that includes plants, fungi, insects, etc.)
A: The answer is all of them, with each answer being more accurate than the previous one. The awards are as follows.
People who chose a: free 12 pack of beer, that way you could at least be buzzed when listening to her, if you absolutely have to
People who chose b: free 30 rack of beer, that way you can do the above but possibly black out, therefore being able to forget the whole ordeal
People who chose c: all the Everclear you can drink so you can die and never have to hear her voice again
The truest words ever spoken ever in the history of time ever...ever
Richard Kavesh from Nyack, you are Douggy Bombs's hero. Bombs wants you to have (more of) his kids, just because of this letter in the Daily News last week:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suffering Suzyn
Suzyn Waldman is the worst color commentator in the history of broadcast baseball, and I write this as a lifetime Yankees fan who has listened to or watched thousands of baseball games since 1960.
As a color commentator, Waldman's job is to tell us about the inside game of baseball, to make us fans wiser. Yet Waldman has absolutely no analytical ability. Her commentary invariably consists of mind-numbing statistics taken from media guides, agreeing with whatever John Sterling has just said, uncritically passing on information given to her by others, and partisan, pro-Yankee tripe. I have never heard Waldman question a manager or player's strategy or ever heard her come up with an insightful or original observation. She never makes us wiser.
Yet Waldman would be unlistenable even if she had the combined wisdom of Tim McCarver and Jim Kaat (Bombs's note: please read this as "the wisdom of Jim Kaat"). She has the worst radio voice I have ever heard. It is harsh, nasal, grating, and in a word - ugly.
It is an embarrasment that the greatest and richest sports franchise in the world employs someone in this critical job who is obviously so unqualified to fill it.
-Richard Kavesh, Nyack
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amen brother. amen.
Suzyn Waldman is awful. And it has nothing to do with her being a woman...it's only because she sucks. Deb Kauffman saying "Welcome back to MSG SportsDesk," or Jeannie Zelasko saying, "I'm Jeannie Zelasko at the FOX Studio with a game break," is infinitely more entertaining than Waldman talking about, well, anything. Why can't they go in the booth instead?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Rickey Henderson
He's back in business everybody.
This man is the new hitting coach for the New York Mets.
He's so brilliant, we mortals are incapable of seeing it. Let's go through some of the highlights of this article about Mr. Richard Feynman here.
...when they were teammates on the Padres Gwynn offered Rickey a prime seat on the team bus because, he explained, Rickey had tenure. As the story goes, Rickey responded with something to the effect of, "What are you talking about? Rickey's got 17 years."
Needs no elaboration.
But nothing topped the start of spring training in 1989 for Rickey, considering for the fifth straight season with the Yankees he did not show on the report date. This, however, did not please new manager Dallas Green.
Not that Rickey cared. He had his own explanation, saying he flew from Oakland to Atlanta to Baltimore to Miami to Fort Lauderdale, then found out he had no hotel reservations for spring training. "Yeah, I was ticked off," he said. "I had no place to stay. You're calling me and telling me to come to spring training. You don't have a place [for me] to stay. Why come to spring training?"
The story was vintage Rickey. Told Green was not happy with him, he said, "Upset with me? The manager ain't even met me. How can he be upset? What can he be upset for? I might be early. He said I'm late . . . I have business. I have things I've got to do before I get to spring training . . . My itinerary told me to be here today. Their itinerary told me to be here Wednesday. My itinerary told me to come here Thursday and be dressed Friday. I guess they misprinted it."
How could Dallas Green have been mad at Rickey? I mean think about it? How can you be mad at someone you've never met?! GENIUS!!!
Even then, people were using the Rickey being Rickey phrase, including Rickey himself.
"Rickey's gonna be Rickey. Period. No matter what I'm going to do or play or come here early, I'm gonna be Rickey. Rickey is not going to change and not be himself. I've been in this world too long to try to change Rickey and what he does . . . My mother don't even try to change me. She raised me, but she ain't gonna change me.
"But what is 'being Rickey?' . . . What is 'being Rickey?' . . . Doin' his own thing? What is it I'm doing different? What am I doing? I didn't come on a day that he said. I came when I could make it."
Kindergarden:
Mrs. Carter (taking attendance): Rickey?
Rickey: Rickey's Rickey and Rickey's here...so here is Rickey and Rickey is here.
First MLB game:
Jim Marshall: Alright, Rickey? You ready for your Major League debut?
Rickey: Rickey's Rickey, Jimmy. Rickey always gonna be Rickey and be ready like Rickey's been Rickey the entire time Rickey's been Rickey!
Wedding:
Minister/Priest: Alright, Rickey, do you take Pamela to be your wife?
Rickey (loudly into minister's/priest's mike): Rickey's Rickey and he always gonna be Rickey the way Rickey's always been Rickey!
Minister/Priest (confused, covers mike): Um, Rickey, are you feeling alright?
Rickey: Of course Rickey, who by the way is being Rickey, is alright! Rickey's Rickey!
Minister/Priest: Pamela, is he ok?
Pamela (totally in love): It's just Rickey being Rickey.
Here's a good Rickey being Rickey moment. During the 1992 season Rickey was unhappy with his contract, which was a common theme during his career. He told the Sacramento Bee, "'I'm not happy, so I'm going to ask to be traded. It's been going on too long. I don't think I'm treated fairly. They don't deserve what I do." Of course one day later he back-peddled, saying, "You are fools. It's a big joke. Rickey tricked everybody. Thank you all."
Hilarious and once again, needs no elaboration.
He started camp just 1-for-20, but he wasn't worried. "If Rickey had to get on base right now, Rickey would."
He has a good point here. With a career .401 OBA, he could pretty much get on base whenever he wanted to.
And, one final story I came across was a bizarre shouting match Rickey had with none other than El Duque during a spring training game in 2002. It wasn't clear what exactly bothered El Duque. He began yelling and they eventually had to be held back. "He needs to grow up a little bit," Rickey said. "I ain't a kid. When I broke into the game, he was crawling on his hands and knees. Unless he's as old as I am. He probably is."
Man, Duque got PWWWWNNNN'D!!!! First Rickey nails Duque with a 'you're so young' insult and then wrecks him for being old right after! This guy is genius! I'm going to start doing that.
Rickey Henderson is the Mets hitting coach now. What's frightening is that this man actually got through to Jose Reyes about not swinging at everything and drawing walks. I really think he is brilliant in a way that we cannot understand...but I certainly hope not, as the last thing I want Mets hitters to do is to learn to walk more.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Big Floppy
As you can see by the look on my face, I don't like David Ortiz. Notice how last night, he was just smiling all the time and trying to look like a big lovable fat guy? It's a nice little guise but we all know he's selfish and full of himself. I talked to him myself about some questions I and reasonable people had about him:
B.A.: Hey, David, what did you think about the MVP voting last year?
Ortiz: It should have been me. You can't win MVP unless you hit 40 HR and drive in over 100. Derek Jeter shouldn't have gotten any votes. He didn't have to do it in my lineup. Let's see what he would have done in my lineup.
B.A.: Really? So by saying this, you basically admit that you said Jeter shouldn't win MVP?
Ortiz: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Tell Derek I'm sorry. I never said Jeter shouldn't be MVP. I just said that fat Dominican DHs who hit lots of HR and drive in lots of runs should be MVPs and that multiracial shortstops who don't hit lots of HR or drive in runs shouldn't be MVPs.
B.A.: OK, well Jeter actually OPS'd over 1.000 with runners in scoring position and you didn't, which is a better indicator of how well you do with runners on than RBIs, but let's drop that since it would be too easy to prove that you're wrong about pretty much everything you said. I want to ask you about something else. Can you clarify what you said about steroids?
Ortiz: Well, I don't think it helps you at all. It's eye-hand coordination. You still have to hit the ball.
B.A.: You're brilliant. I've never heard that before. But what I'm curious about are those protein shakes.
Ortiz: Well, actually they were cookies and cream milkshakes from Haagen Daas. That's my idea of protein. But yeah, I might have taken steroids. I'm not sure. I don't know what they put in those shakes. I drank them and suddenly I was 50 pounds heavier with Popeye muscle and balls started going really really far. I just don't know.
B.A.: Understandable. Could have happened to anybody. Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Rincon, and Guillermo Mota all got steroids from eating Fruit Loops, I heard.
Ortiz: Yeah, in fact, I'm not sure if I've done heroin either. I saw Manny had passed out in the clubhouse with a syringe in his forearm and I thought it was a vaccine. I decided to do it and it felt really really nice. I just don't know.
B.A.: Interesting.
Ortiz: Yeah, and I'm not sure if I've killed anyone either. I beat someone mercilessly this one time and he stopped moving and breathing. Then the coroner showed up, as well as Boston Police. But they didn't question me or anything. They just asked for autographs and for me to turn around and bare my ass so they could all kiss it. I don't know. I might have killed him.
B.A.: Any other crimes you might have committed?
Ortiz: That's all I can think of now.
B.A.: Lemme know when you think of any others, I do standup comedy.
Ortiz: You got it.
B.A.: Thanks.
Fuck David Ortiz. Fuck that whole team. Fuck Boston. Fuck Massachusetts. Fuck New England...and fuck everybody now that I think of it.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Artest is Next
After trading for one potential headache in Zach Randolph, it only makes sense that Isiah look to add another one. Here's the deal, adding Ron Artest actually makes sense... a ton of sense.
Stay with me on this one.
Yes, Artest may have instigated what has been the ugliest brawl in NBA history.
Yes, Artest doesn't seem to really give a shit about basketball.
Yes, Ronnie probably spends way too much time on his music career.
Yes, bringing Artest back home to NY might be a disaster.
Yes, Ronnie complained that he wasn't getting enough mug shots... I mean shots in Sacramento and he would be coming to a team which has several players that need the ball to be effective.
But, here's the thing, Ron fills several holes on this roster. He locks up the SF position, improves our perimeter defense (an area we really need help in), and gives the team offense at a position where we have no guys that can shoot the ball.
He is also available at a discount. There is a chance the Knicks could get him without giving up Lee (for the record, trading Lee for Artest would be terrible). A deal of Malik Rose and Nate Robinson would be ideal, but the Kings would most likely want someone like Balkman in there for Nate. As much as I like Renaldo Balkman, I'd trade him for Artest in a second. If Sacramento still needs another piece, Isiah can add young big man Randolph Morris to the offer. That is something the Kings would have to strongly consider.
From a Knicks standpoint, instead of praying that Quentin Richardson stays healthy, we could depend on Ron Artest and the stability that he brings to an NBA franchise......
Ok, cut that last part out.
It is a risk. I'll admit that. It could either make Isiah Thomas look like a genius (very hard to do) or get him fired (I wouldn't complain)....wait a minute, this sounds like a win-win situation!
With the Randolph trade, the Knicks are in a position where they have to be in the playoffs next season. Missing the playoffs next season would be truly devastating. Not only would it kill the trade value of our players (consequently preventing us from trading for a superstar), but it would truly show that we would have to rip this team apart again, which would be very difficult to do with the contracts on this roster.
The scary part is that even after adding Zach, the Knicks are by no means a lock for the playoffs. In fact, there is a very realistic possibility that the Knicks don't make the playoffs again.
Look at the teams in the East that made the playoffs last season:
1. Detroit
2. Cleveland
3. Toronto
4. Miami
5. Chicago
6. New Jersey
7. Washington
8. Orlando
I'm not trying to be pessimistic or anything, but there is a very realistic shot the Knicks don't make the playoffs next season in the improving Eastern Conference. Orlando just got better with Rashard Lewis and there is talk that they might go after Artest next (which would make them even better).
Washington will be strong next season unless they get killed with injuries.
The Nets still have Carter, Jefferson, and Kidd with a small chance of trading for Jermaine O'Neal.
If that isn't enough, Boston will be a lot better next season with Ray Allen and a healthy roster. Like the Knicks, they will also be fighting for a playoff spot.
Therefore, I say go out and get the crazy man. If it doesn't work out, he has a short and very reasonable contract. At the very least, Knicks fans would get some quality entertainment.
And would could be better than that...well, except for winning of course.
Red Sox due for Second Half Decline?
A 12 game deficit is big, but it’s been done before, and we saw earlier this season that a 14 game lead can be cut in half in just 2 weeks. And here are several reasons why (some might be wishful thinking to some extent, but I will not base my guesses on pure hope), in no particular order:
1. Mike Lowell never hits well in the second half. Every year he sucks after the All-Star break. 2006, 2005 (well, not relative to his first half, he just sucked that whole year), 2004, 2003…
2. Kevin Youkilis despite slugging .368 in June is STILL way above his PrOPS and is likely to continue regressing
3. I think Manny may finally be on the decline. He’s had bad starts before, but he’s never had the numbers he has this year at the All-Star break. He’ll finish with 28-30 HR, but that’s certainly sub-par for Manny. And it’s not like he’s been unlucky – his PrOPS is .879, and is currently at .862, a fairly insignificant difference. And let’s not forget, he’s 35. Not unusual to begin running out of gas at that age.
4. Dustin Pedroia is also way above his PrOPS. He’s pretty good, but he’s not a .320/.400/.450 hitter. Just by watching him you can tell he’s not THIS good. While he has a good eye, his swing is a long, ugly warhack and will get eaten alive by good pitching. I see him as more of a .280/.360/.400 kind of guy whose deviations will likely be slightly upward due to hitting in Fenway.
5. Maybe David Ortiz should have kept drinking those protein shakes that those sneaky Domincans in the GNC “might have” been filling with steroids. Or maybe he was smart to not take them because he realized 50+ homers don’t merit possible death after that irregular heartbeat last year. But whatever is going on, his power has been way down this year. THREE home runs in Fenway this year. 13 overall. And he also has been lucky, his PrOPS has him at .897 (it had him at almost 1.100 last year and 1.034 in 2005) and he’s currently at .970. Normally guys like him are below their PrOPS (like he has been the past couple years) because they’re slow, hit the ball hard a lot, have the shift on them, etc. unlike guys like Jeter who are usually above their PrOPS because they’re fast and have good bat control. Wade Boggs and Tony Gwynn probably would have had low PrOPS numbers (can’t look it up, numbers only go back to 2004). Back to Ortiz, he can’t hit lefties this year (0 HR, .326 SLG!!!), unless of course you bring in Mike Myers, who I would demote to sidearming bags of Cracker Jack as a vender if I had any authority. So, expect Big Floppy to start dropping.
6. Josh Beckett will decline, if he manages to avoid another blister, and has already begun to. His ERA has been climbing since his start against the Yankees. It’s up to 3.44. Fuck him and his stupid Win total. And let’s look at his last several starts. Against teams with pretty good offenses, like the Yankees, the Rockies, the Rangers, and even the Devil Rays who aren’t half-bad, he’s allowed 18 ER in 22.1 innings for 7.25 ERA and a WHIP of 1.881. Now, I don’t think he’ll get totally bombed, but I bet he has a 4.50 ERA, a lot more 5-6 inning, 3-4 run outings and fewer 7-8 inning, 1 run outings in the second half.
7. Papelbon is vulnerable to lefties and to his own shoulder crapping out like it did last year. His BAA lefties is lower than righties, but lefties for the most part seem to have better results. Going back to last year, Dioner Navarro homered off him. Giambi has hit him hard a couple times (long sac fly last year, long double to rightcenter this year). Travis Buck took him deep earlier this year. Abreu hit a 400+ ft flyout to center to end a game against him in April. Ramon Vasquez flew out to deep rightcenter against him. Carlos Peña (who also, I didn’t mention him in my All-Star post, but I will here, is more deserving of starting at 1B in the All-Star game than Ortiz is, .289/.389/.603 with 19 HR and he DOESN’T hit in Fenway…and, oh yeah, he actually IS a first baseman) homered off him the other night. He’s not invincible. And as I also mentioned, he could crap out again like he did last year around the 50-55 inning mark or so.
All of this stuff might not happen, just because this baseball season sucks and nothing seems to want to go right. However, the numbers show that there is reason to hope that things for the Red Sox begin to go into a downward spiral. Keep your fingers crossed.
1. Mike Lowell never hits well in the second half. Every year he sucks after the All-Star break. 2006, 2005 (well, not relative to his first half, he just sucked that whole year), 2004, 2003…
2. Kevin Youkilis despite slugging .368 in June is STILL way above his PrOPS and is likely to continue regressing
3. I think Manny may finally be on the decline. He’s had bad starts before, but he’s never had the numbers he has this year at the All-Star break. He’ll finish with 28-30 HR, but that’s certainly sub-par for Manny. And it’s not like he’s been unlucky – his PrOPS is .879, and is currently at .862, a fairly insignificant difference. And let’s not forget, he’s 35. Not unusual to begin running out of gas at that age.
4. Dustin Pedroia is also way above his PrOPS. He’s pretty good, but he’s not a .320/.400/.450 hitter. Just by watching him you can tell he’s not THIS good. While he has a good eye, his swing is a long, ugly warhack and will get eaten alive by good pitching. I see him as more of a .280/.360/.400 kind of guy whose deviations will likely be slightly upward due to hitting in Fenway.
5. Maybe David Ortiz should have kept drinking those protein shakes that those sneaky Domincans in the GNC “might have” been filling with steroids. Or maybe he was smart to not take them because he realized 50+ homers don’t merit possible death after that irregular heartbeat last year. But whatever is going on, his power has been way down this year. THREE home runs in Fenway this year. 13 overall. And he also has been lucky, his PrOPS has him at .897 (it had him at almost 1.100 last year and 1.034 in 2005) and he’s currently at .970. Normally guys like him are below their PrOPS (like he has been the past couple years) because they’re slow, hit the ball hard a lot, have the shift on them, etc. unlike guys like Jeter who are usually above their PrOPS because they’re fast and have good bat control. Wade Boggs and Tony Gwynn probably would have had low PrOPS numbers (can’t look it up, numbers only go back to 2004). Back to Ortiz, he can’t hit lefties this year (0 HR, .326 SLG!!!), unless of course you bring in Mike Myers, who I would demote to sidearming bags of Cracker Jack as a vender if I had any authority. So, expect Big Floppy to start dropping.
6. Josh Beckett will decline, if he manages to avoid another blister, and has already begun to. His ERA has been climbing since his start against the Yankees. It’s up to 3.44. Fuck him and his stupid Win total. And let’s look at his last several starts. Against teams with pretty good offenses, like the Yankees, the Rockies, the Rangers, and even the Devil Rays who aren’t half-bad, he’s allowed 18 ER in 22.1 innings for 7.25 ERA and a WHIP of 1.881. Now, I don’t think he’ll get totally bombed, but I bet he has a 4.50 ERA, a lot more 5-6 inning, 3-4 run outings and fewer 7-8 inning, 1 run outings in the second half.
7. Papelbon is vulnerable to lefties and to his own shoulder crapping out like it did last year. His BAA lefties is lower than righties, but lefties for the most part seem to have better results. Going back to last year, Dioner Navarro homered off him. Giambi has hit him hard a couple times (long sac fly last year, long double to rightcenter this year). Travis Buck took him deep earlier this year. Abreu hit a 400+ ft flyout to center to end a game against him in April. Ramon Vasquez flew out to deep rightcenter against him. Carlos Peña (who also, I didn’t mention him in my All-Star post, but I will here, is more deserving of starting at 1B in the All-Star game than Ortiz is, .289/.389/.603 with 19 HR and he DOESN’T hit in Fenway…and, oh yeah, he actually IS a first baseman) homered off him the other night. He’s not invincible. And as I also mentioned, he could crap out again like he did last year around the 50-55 inning mark or so.
All of this stuff might not happen, just because this baseball season sucks and nothing seems to want to go right. However, the numbers show that there is reason to hope that things for the Red Sox begin to go into a downward spiral. Keep your fingers crossed.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Hey, everybody!!! More SNY fun! WEEEEEE!!!!
I've been inspired again by Gary Cohen. SNY is almost hilarious to watch. B.A. 'bout to tell you why. Here is more typical shit you can expect to hear when you watch broadcasts done by Gary Cohen.
New York Mets at Colorado Rockies
In the top of the first inning
Gary Cohen: Up steps David Wright, in to face Josh Fogg. And here's the pitch. Swung on and drilled deep to leftcenter field! Sullivan will look up, and IT'S OUTTA HERE!!!!!!! DAVID WRIGHT! His 15th home run of the year! Wow, David Wright is just absolutely incredible. And remember, they use the humidor here, now. It's not easy to hit home runs here, anymore. The dimensions are huge, too! And David Wright STILL hit it out. He carries quite a big stick. Pun intended, by the way.
In the bottom of the second inning
Gary Cohen: The pitch from Duque...and Hawpe drills one deep to right. Green is going back, at the track, at the wall, he will look up and it's outta here...2 run home run by Brad Hawpe. You know, I don't care about that humidor shit. The ball travels 9% further here than at sea level. It hasn't changed anything. It's still a big hitter's park. Fuck you, Brad Hawpe! I bet your stick is really tiny when you're not hitting in this ballpark!
Minnesota Twins at New York Mets on Monday, June 18
At some point in the game
Keith Hernandez: Aaron Heilman in to pitch the 8th inning here. Heilman's pitched fairly well, but he's been hurt by the longball. He's served up 5 homers, including the one to Posada last night.
Gary Cohen: Come on, that doesn't count! It was a Yankee Stadium home run!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Posada did hit it very hard and several rows back. And a 330 ft homer counts as much as a 520 ft homer.
Gary Cohen: No it doesn't! The Mets never give up any runs! And if they do it's never their fault! They should be undefeated!
Keith Hernandez: Well, the Mets have had their share of bad luck, but...to say that runs they give up are never their fault is a little much.
Gary Cohen: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S TRUE! Aaron Heilman's ERA is like -5.89! He has struck out 89 in 25 innings!
Keith Hernandez: That's not possible, unless Lo Duca had 14 passed balls on third strikes or-
Gary Cohen: NO! LO DUCA NEVER SCREWS UP! HE HAS 0 PASSED BALLS! IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Heilman could have thrown 14 wild pitches that were swung and missed at for strike three-
Gary Cohen: NO! HE COULDN'T! HE'S AMAZING! IT'S THE UMPIRE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Dropped third strikes are the umpires' fault?
Gary Cohen: YES!
Keith Hernandez: Alright, Gary, I'm leaving. I'm going to go be misogynous to some women.
(Keith Hernandez leaves to go tell women they should all be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen cooking when they're not vacuuming or pleasuring him.)
Gary Cohen: Alright! He's gone! Time for some fun!
(Gary goes on iTunes and puts on "Meet the Mets" WFAN theme song)
Lyrics: Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs, green grass, all out at Shea! Guaranteed to have a heck of a dayyy!
Gary Cohen (simultaneously while dancing): Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs...mmmm, hot dogs...
Gary Cohen is the worst homer announcer of all time. His existence on this earth should be "OUTTA HERE!!!"
New York Mets at Colorado Rockies
In the top of the first inning
Gary Cohen: Up steps David Wright, in to face Josh Fogg. And here's the pitch. Swung on and drilled deep to leftcenter field! Sullivan will look up, and IT'S OUTTA HERE!!!!!!! DAVID WRIGHT! His 15th home run of the year! Wow, David Wright is just absolutely incredible. And remember, they use the humidor here, now. It's not easy to hit home runs here, anymore. The dimensions are huge, too! And David Wright STILL hit it out. He carries quite a big stick. Pun intended, by the way.
In the bottom of the second inning
Gary Cohen: The pitch from Duque...and Hawpe drills one deep to right. Green is going back, at the track, at the wall, he will look up and it's outta here...2 run home run by Brad Hawpe. You know, I don't care about that humidor shit. The ball travels 9% further here than at sea level. It hasn't changed anything. It's still a big hitter's park. Fuck you, Brad Hawpe! I bet your stick is really tiny when you're not hitting in this ballpark!
Minnesota Twins at New York Mets on Monday, June 18
At some point in the game
Keith Hernandez: Aaron Heilman in to pitch the 8th inning here. Heilman's pitched fairly well, but he's been hurt by the longball. He's served up 5 homers, including the one to Posada last night.
Gary Cohen: Come on, that doesn't count! It was a Yankee Stadium home run!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Posada did hit it very hard and several rows back. And a 330 ft homer counts as much as a 520 ft homer.
Gary Cohen: No it doesn't! The Mets never give up any runs! And if they do it's never their fault! They should be undefeated!
Keith Hernandez: Well, the Mets have had their share of bad luck, but...to say that runs they give up are never their fault is a little much.
Gary Cohen: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S TRUE! Aaron Heilman's ERA is like -5.89! He has struck out 89 in 25 innings!
Keith Hernandez: That's not possible, unless Lo Duca had 14 passed balls on third strikes or-
Gary Cohen: NO! LO DUCA NEVER SCREWS UP! HE HAS 0 PASSED BALLS! IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Heilman could have thrown 14 wild pitches that were swung and missed at for strike three-
Gary Cohen: NO! HE COULDN'T! HE'S AMAZING! IT'S THE UMPIRE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Dropped third strikes are the umpires' fault?
Gary Cohen: YES!
Keith Hernandez: Alright, Gary, I'm leaving. I'm going to go be misogynous to some women.
(Keith Hernandez leaves to go tell women they should all be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen cooking when they're not vacuuming or pleasuring him.)
Gary Cohen: Alright! He's gone! Time for some fun!
(Gary goes on iTunes and puts on "Meet the Mets" WFAN theme song)
Lyrics: Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs, green grass, all out at Shea! Guaranteed to have a heck of a dayyy!
Gary Cohen (simultaneously while dancing): Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs...mmmm, hot dogs...
Gary Cohen is the worst homer announcer of all time. His existence on this earth should be "OUTTA HERE!!!"
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
Baseball fans are retarded asshole-prick-dumbass-dipshit-morons
B.A. Baracus ‘bout to give you some more numbas foo!
Who would you guess should be the American League starting catcher from the following numbers? (I’m going to use traditional stats BA/OBA/SLG and HR because the average fan doesn’t know what OPS+ or eqA are)
a) .323/.384/.543, 14 HR
b) .336/.405/.525, 9 HR
c) .283/.296/.449, 8 HR
I’d say that either a) Victor Martinez or b) Jorge Posada would be good choices. They’re smacking the shit out of the ball and putting up awesome numbers for catchers. But, wait, c), Ivan Rodriguez, is getting the start? Him and his whopping total of 4 walks? What the fuck? Oh right, this is a retarded popularity contest, giving fans the chance to jerk off their favorite players regardless of their numbers. It’s like Little League awards at the end of the year. The administrator, who happens to be the father of a kid in the league, makes his son an All-Star, gives him League MVP, Gold Glove, and Cy Young Award for going 1 for 85 on the season, making 49 errors in 53 chances and boasting an ERA and WHIP of INF. Fuck those living-vicariously-through-his-fatass-son dads. To quote George Carlin:
Don’t give me that weak shit, “Well, I love my children!” FUCK you. Everybody loves their children. Doesn’t make you special.
Who would you guess should be the American League starting second baseman?
a) .326/.412/.454, 5 HR
b) .320/.396/.545, 9 HR
c) .323/.405/.452, 3 HR
d) .333/.381/.421, 2 HR
It looks as if a), b), and c) are certainly worthwhile choices. But nooooo, d) gets picked. Mr. Placido Polanco. All of the others, a) Brian Roberts, b) BJ Upton, and c) Dustin Pedroia are having better seasons than him. Although Upton is on the DL, this crap is seriously pissing me off.
Who would you guess should be the last of the three National League starting outfielders aside from Griffey and Bonds (hate him, but whatever, hitting over .300, OBA over .500 and slugging through the roof)?
a) .349/.397/.578, 13 HR
b) .312/.390/.478, 11 HR
c) .315/.368/.508, 13 HR
d) .340/.367/.571, 8 HR
e) .317/.388/.532, 11 HR
f) .296/.382/.523, 13 HR
g) .274/.350/.482, 14 HR
Wow, talk about a very strong NL outfield from a) to f). G) is ok. Not an all-star. While a) is the best, b), c), d), e) and f) are all very good to great numbers. But of course, g) gets picked. Wait, what? I picked g) as being the one guy that should NOT start. Why might you and I ask? It’s Carlos Beltran. Those Queens-dwelling asshole-morons voted that bum in to start over people who are actually having much better seasons such as a) Matt Holliday, b) Aaron Rowand, c) Eric Byrnes, d) Hunter Pence, e) Corey Hart, or f) Brad Hawpe. Pence and Hart only have around 250 PAs, but that’s enough as far as I’m concerned. If that pace (3.1 PAs per 162 games) is good enough to qualify for the batting title it should be good enough to qualify for All-Star Game starting spots.
Who would you guess should be the starting National League third baseman?
a) .329/.392/.585, 17 HR
b) .327/.416/.595, 13 HR (hurt for a while, but still 255 PAs)
c) .288/.377/.502, 14 HR
I’d say a) with b) as a distant but not too distant second simply because of the lesser playing time. But once again, the worst among these stats wins. Put another one on the board for the Met cocksucking weenies, who voted David Wright in over a) Miguel fucking Cabrera who is disgustingly amazing and b) Chipper Jones. Now, I like David Wright. I think he's very good and even think he is a little underappreciated by Mets fans relative to Reyes. But they all just voted like crazy for anybody wearing the ugly blue and orange. I hope Flushing, NY turns into an actual toilet and those fucks get washed deep down into a sewer filled with elephant dung and are forced to dwell there for the rest of their lives.
Also, B.A. knows that the All-Star Game in reality means nothing and the guys who don't make it probably wouldn't mind having the time off, but they could also really want to have the honor of saying "I was a Major League All-Star one year" or "I got to start in the Major League All-Star game one year." And who knows, they might never get another chance. So fuck you, you retarded jackass-fuckface-diarrhea-consuming-shitheads.
Who would you guess should be the American League starting catcher from the following numbers? (I’m going to use traditional stats BA/OBA/SLG and HR because the average fan doesn’t know what OPS+ or eqA are)
a) .323/.384/.543, 14 HR
b) .336/.405/.525, 9 HR
c) .283/.296/.449, 8 HR
I’d say that either a) Victor Martinez or b) Jorge Posada would be good choices. They’re smacking the shit out of the ball and putting up awesome numbers for catchers. But, wait, c), Ivan Rodriguez, is getting the start? Him and his whopping total of 4 walks? What the fuck? Oh right, this is a retarded popularity contest, giving fans the chance to jerk off their favorite players regardless of their numbers. It’s like Little League awards at the end of the year. The administrator, who happens to be the father of a kid in the league, makes his son an All-Star, gives him League MVP, Gold Glove, and Cy Young Award for going 1 for 85 on the season, making 49 errors in 53 chances and boasting an ERA and WHIP of INF. Fuck those living-vicariously-through-his-fatass-son dads. To quote George Carlin:
Don’t give me that weak shit, “Well, I love my children!” FUCK you. Everybody loves their children. Doesn’t make you special.
Who would you guess should be the American League starting second baseman?
a) .326/.412/.454, 5 HR
b) .320/.396/.545, 9 HR
c) .323/.405/.452, 3 HR
d) .333/.381/.421, 2 HR
It looks as if a), b), and c) are certainly worthwhile choices. But nooooo, d) gets picked. Mr. Placido Polanco. All of the others, a) Brian Roberts, b) BJ Upton, and c) Dustin Pedroia are having better seasons than him. Although Upton is on the DL, this crap is seriously pissing me off.
Who would you guess should be the last of the three National League starting outfielders aside from Griffey and Bonds (hate him, but whatever, hitting over .300, OBA over .500 and slugging through the roof)?
a) .349/.397/.578, 13 HR
b) .312/.390/.478, 11 HR
c) .315/.368/.508, 13 HR
d) .340/.367/.571, 8 HR
e) .317/.388/.532, 11 HR
f) .296/.382/.523, 13 HR
g) .274/.350/.482, 14 HR
Wow, talk about a very strong NL outfield from a) to f). G) is ok. Not an all-star. While a) is the best, b), c), d), e) and f) are all very good to great numbers. But of course, g) gets picked. Wait, what? I picked g) as being the one guy that should NOT start. Why might you and I ask? It’s Carlos Beltran. Those Queens-dwelling asshole-morons voted that bum in to start over people who are actually having much better seasons such as a) Matt Holliday, b) Aaron Rowand, c) Eric Byrnes, d) Hunter Pence, e) Corey Hart, or f) Brad Hawpe. Pence and Hart only have around 250 PAs, but that’s enough as far as I’m concerned. If that pace (3.1 PAs per 162 games) is good enough to qualify for the batting title it should be good enough to qualify for All-Star Game starting spots.
Who would you guess should be the starting National League third baseman?
a) .329/.392/.585, 17 HR
b) .327/.416/.595, 13 HR (hurt for a while, but still 255 PAs)
c) .288/.377/.502, 14 HR
I’d say a) with b) as a distant but not too distant second simply because of the lesser playing time. But once again, the worst among these stats wins. Put another one on the board for the Met cocksucking weenies, who voted David Wright in over a) Miguel fucking Cabrera who is disgustingly amazing and b) Chipper Jones. Now, I like David Wright. I think he's very good and even think he is a little underappreciated by Mets fans relative to Reyes. But they all just voted like crazy for anybody wearing the ugly blue and orange. I hope Flushing, NY turns into an actual toilet and those fucks get washed deep down into a sewer filled with elephant dung and are forced to dwell there for the rest of their lives.
Also, B.A. knows that the All-Star Game in reality means nothing and the guys who don't make it probably wouldn't mind having the time off, but they could also really want to have the honor of saying "I was a Major League All-Star one year" or "I got to start in the Major League All-Star game one year." And who knows, they might never get another chance. So fuck you, you retarded jackass-fuckface-diarrhea-consuming-shitheads.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Orgasmic Edition of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: New York Mets versus Boston Red Sox, Part Two
B.A. brings you Part Two.
In the middle innings
Jon Miller: Hello, Sizzler? Bring me the Burettes seasoned steak, very rare, with a side of fat from all of the cleaned raw chicken?
Joe Morgan: (whispering to himself) With all this fat that he eats, I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Wow, Joe Morgan is right, for once. I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick either.
JonWang: I don't think Jon's ever seen me. That makes me sad. Oh wait, David Ortiz is leading off this inning! BOYOYOYOYOING!
Joe Morgan: Jon, what is Burettes seasoned steak?
Jon Miller: Burettes is French for testicles.
Joe Morgan: Delicioso.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: That's Spanish, you dumbass.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: But I think the raw chicken fat's bad for you.
Jon Miller: Typhoid fever and food poisoning can't keep a man like me from fully enjoying the life-shortening fatty substances. Besides, I like fevers because they give me an excuse to go to the doctor for rectal thermometer readings.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: Alright, if you say so...
Jon Miller: Oh and by the way, got any bacon fat?
In the 9th inning
David Wright faces Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Miller: And...Dave...Wrightballs...in to face...Jonny...Pappyschlong...uhhh...
Joe Morgan: Are you alright there, Jon? You sound drunk.
Jon Miller: Alex Rodriguez said HA!
Joe Morgan: Huh?
Jon Miller: Man, Okajima's got a great Japanese ass.
Joe Morgan: Wow, Jon, you're not drunk. I think you're getting that fever stuff that you were talking about. I can feel your fever from over here. I'll do the play-by-play for you. (thinking to himself) HAHAHAHA! Papelbon's all MINE tonight! Share my ass...
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hey, can we get a crane to lift Jon out of this booth? The fever chills are shaking this entire ballpark because Jon Miller's weight has the same order of magnitude as the entire earth and because Fenway's a dilapidated hunk of crap.
(crane comes, lifts Jon Miller up, knocks over some lights in the process and kills a bunch of Red Sox fans, including Ben Affleck)
Random Hysterical Woman: OH MY GOD! HEEEEE'S DEAD!!!!!!
(back in the broadcaster's booth)
Joe Morgan: Alright, so here we go. It's David Wright versus Jonathan Papelbon. Here comes the pitch from the intense, amazing, very genitally blessed, handsome closer.
(David Wright smashes a 94 mph fastball over the Monster seats)
Joe Morgan: And David Wright absolutely puts a charge into this pitch to leftcenter. Nooo doubt about this one!
JoeSchlong: Man, he had me all ready for Papelbon and now I gotta try getting off to David Wright? He's too...normal and not annoying and actually good and probably to some degree underrated. I've gotten off to him before, but...that was against the Yankees. I can't get off to him at Pappy's expense! It's not right! Even I live by a moral code.
Joe Morgan: And oh man, look at this. Jonathan's lying on the mound...kicking like an infant! He's crying, too! And...oh my God, his uniform is totally soiled on the back with yellow streaks down the front of his pants!!! Oh, poor Jonny!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Looks like you're going to have a tough time with Papelbon tonight considering he's swimming in a pool of his own shit and piss.
Joe Morgan: Damn...
(Morgan leaves because he's depressed)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Alright, I guess this is my show now. (grabs mike and flicks switch so microphone input goes into PA system) BOSTON SUCKS, YOU FAGGOTS.
(Boston crowd erupts into a riot because they're all stupid fucks and everyone kills each other)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I believe my work is done here. It may be time to go out on a high note and retire...NOT.
Oh what a night.
Anyway. Very happy to see Jack Bauer back in action on the blog. As everyone knows from watching 24, when Jack Bauer isn't fucking you up, he's analyzing basketball with insight the common Washington D.C. professional killer could never dream of. Be on the lookout for B.A. Baracus's rant about that pointless, who-jerks-off-to-you-the-most popularity contest known as All-Star voting very soon.
In the middle innings
Jon Miller: Hello, Sizzler? Bring me the Burettes seasoned steak, very rare, with a side of fat from all of the cleaned raw chicken?
Joe Morgan: (whispering to himself) With all this fat that he eats, I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Wow, Joe Morgan is right, for once. I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick either.
JonWang: I don't think Jon's ever seen me. That makes me sad. Oh wait, David Ortiz is leading off this inning! BOYOYOYOYOING!
Joe Morgan: Jon, what is Burettes seasoned steak?
Jon Miller: Burettes is French for testicles.
Joe Morgan: Delicioso.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: That's Spanish, you dumbass.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: But I think the raw chicken fat's bad for you.
Jon Miller: Typhoid fever and food poisoning can't keep a man like me from fully enjoying the life-shortening fatty substances. Besides, I like fevers because they give me an excuse to go to the doctor for rectal thermometer readings.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: Alright, if you say so...
Jon Miller: Oh and by the way, got any bacon fat?
In the 9th inning
David Wright faces Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Miller: And...Dave...Wrightballs...in to face...Jonny...Pappyschlong...uhhh...
Joe Morgan: Are you alright there, Jon? You sound drunk.
Jon Miller: Alex Rodriguez said HA!
Joe Morgan: Huh?
Jon Miller: Man, Okajima's got a great Japanese ass.
Joe Morgan: Wow, Jon, you're not drunk. I think you're getting that fever stuff that you were talking about. I can feel your fever from over here. I'll do the play-by-play for you. (thinking to himself) HAHAHAHA! Papelbon's all MINE tonight! Share my ass...
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hey, can we get a crane to lift Jon out of this booth? The fever chills are shaking this entire ballpark because Jon Miller's weight has the same order of magnitude as the entire earth and because Fenway's a dilapidated hunk of crap.
(crane comes, lifts Jon Miller up, knocks over some lights in the process and kills a bunch of Red Sox fans, including Ben Affleck)
Random Hysterical Woman: OH MY GOD! HEEEEE'S DEAD!!!!!!
(back in the broadcaster's booth)
Joe Morgan: Alright, so here we go. It's David Wright versus Jonathan Papelbon. Here comes the pitch from the intense, amazing, very genitally blessed, handsome closer.
(David Wright smashes a 94 mph fastball over the Monster seats)
Joe Morgan: And David Wright absolutely puts a charge into this pitch to leftcenter. Nooo doubt about this one!
JoeSchlong: Man, he had me all ready for Papelbon and now I gotta try getting off to David Wright? He's too...normal and not annoying and actually good and probably to some degree underrated. I've gotten off to him before, but...that was against the Yankees. I can't get off to him at Pappy's expense! It's not right! Even I live by a moral code.
Joe Morgan: And oh man, look at this. Jonathan's lying on the mound...kicking like an infant! He's crying, too! And...oh my God, his uniform is totally soiled on the back with yellow streaks down the front of his pants!!! Oh, poor Jonny!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Looks like you're going to have a tough time with Papelbon tonight considering he's swimming in a pool of his own shit and piss.
Joe Morgan: Damn...
(Morgan leaves because he's depressed)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Alright, I guess this is my show now. (grabs mike and flicks switch so microphone input goes into PA system) BOSTON SUCKS, YOU FAGGOTS.
(Boston crowd erupts into a riot because they're all stupid fucks and everyone kills each other)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I believe my work is done here. It may be time to go out on a high note and retire...NOT.
Oh what a night.
Anyway. Very happy to see Jack Bauer back in action on the blog. As everyone knows from watching 24, when Jack Bauer isn't fucking you up, he's analyzing basketball with insight the common Washington D.C. professional killer could never dream of. Be on the lookout for B.A. Baracus's rant about that pointless, who-jerks-off-to-you-the-most popularity contest known as All-Star voting very soon.
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