Baseball fans are retarded asshole-prick-dumbass-dipshit-morons

B.A. Baracus ‘bout to give you some more numbas foo!

Who would you guess should be the American League starting catcher from the following numbers? (I’m going to use traditional stats BA/OBA/SLG and HR because the average fan doesn’t know what OPS+ or eqA are)

a) .323/.384/.543, 14 HR
b) .336/.405/.525, 9 HR
c) .283/.296/.449, 8 HR

I’d say that either a) Victor Martinez or b) Jorge Posada would be good choices. They’re smacking the shit out of the ball and putting up awesome numbers for catchers. But, wait, c), Ivan Rodriguez, is getting the start? Him and his whopping total of 4 walks? What the fuck? Oh right, this is a retarded popularity contest, giving fans the chance to jerk off their favorite players regardless of their numbers. It’s like Little League awards at the end of the year. The administrator, who happens to be the father of a kid in the league, makes his son an All-Star, gives him League MVP, Gold Glove, and Cy Young Award for going 1 for 85 on the season, making 49 errors in 53 chances and boasting an ERA and WHIP of INF. Fuck those living-vicariously-through-his-fatass-son dads. To quote George Carlin:

Don’t give me that weak shit, “Well, I love my children!” FUCK you. Everybody loves their children. Doesn’t make you special.

Who would you guess should be the American League starting second baseman?

a) .326/.412/.454, 5 HR
b) .320/.396/.545, 9 HR
c) .323/.405/.452, 3 HR
d) .333/.381/.421, 2 HR

It looks as if a), b), and c) are certainly worthwhile choices. But nooooo, d) gets picked. Mr. Placido Polanco. All of the others, a) Brian Roberts, b) BJ Upton, and c) Dustin Pedroia are having better seasons than him. Although Upton is on the DL, this crap is seriously pissing me off.

Who would you guess should be the last of the three National League starting outfielders aside from Griffey and Bonds (hate him, but whatever, hitting over .300, OBA over .500 and slugging through the roof)?

a) .349/.397/.578, 13 HR
b) .312/.390/.478, 11 HR
c) .315/.368/.508, 13 HR
d) .340/.367/.571, 8 HR
e) .317/.388/.532, 11 HR
f) .296/.382/.523, 13 HR
g) .274/.350/.482, 14 HR

Wow, talk about a very strong NL outfield from a) to f). G) is ok. Not an all-star. While a) is the best, b), c), d), e) and f) are all very good to great numbers. But of course, g) gets picked. Wait, what? I picked g) as being the one guy that should NOT start. Why might you and I ask? It’s Carlos Beltran. Those Queens-dwelling asshole-morons voted that bum in to start over people who are actually having much better seasons such as a) Matt Holliday, b) Aaron Rowand, c) Eric Byrnes, d) Hunter Pence, e) Corey Hart, or f) Brad Hawpe. Pence and Hart only have around 250 PAs, but that’s enough as far as I’m concerned. If that pace (3.1 PAs per 162 games) is good enough to qualify for the batting title it should be good enough to qualify for All-Star Game starting spots.

Who would you guess should be the starting National League third baseman?

a) .329/.392/.585, 17 HR
b) .327/.416/.595, 13 HR (hurt for a while, but still 255 PAs)
c) .288/.377/.502, 14 HR

I’d say a) with b) as a distant but not too distant second simply because of the lesser playing time. But once again, the worst among these stats wins. Put another one on the board for the Met cocksucking weenies, who voted David Wright in over a) Miguel fucking Cabrera who is disgustingly amazing and b) Chipper Jones. Now, I like David Wright. I think he's very good and even think he is a little underappreciated by Mets fans relative to Reyes. But they all just voted like crazy for anybody wearing the ugly blue and orange. I hope Flushing, NY turns into an actual toilet and those fucks get washed deep down into a sewer filled with elephant dung and are forced to dwell there for the rest of their lives.

Also, B.A. knows that the All-Star Game in reality means nothing and the guys who don't make it probably wouldn't mind having the time off, but they could also really want to have the honor of saying "I was a Major League All-Star one year" or "I got to start in the Major League All-Star game one year." And who knows, they might never get another chance. So fuck you, you retarded jackass-fuckface-diarrhea-consuming-shitheads.