I've been inspired again by Gary Cohen. SNY is almost hilarious to watch. B.A. 'bout to tell you why. Here is more typical shit you can expect to hear when you watch broadcasts done by Gary Cohen.
New York Mets at Colorado Rockies
In the top of the first inning
Gary Cohen: Up steps David Wright, in to face Josh Fogg. And here's the pitch. Swung on and drilled deep to leftcenter field! Sullivan will look up, and IT'S OUTTA HERE!!!!!!! DAVID WRIGHT! His 15th home run of the year! Wow, David Wright is just absolutely incredible. And remember, they use the humidor here, now. It's not easy to hit home runs here, anymore. The dimensions are huge, too! And David Wright STILL hit it out. He carries quite a big stick. Pun intended, by the way.
In the bottom of the second inning
Gary Cohen: The pitch from Duque...and Hawpe drills one deep to right. Green is going back, at the track, at the wall, he will look up and it's outta here...2 run home run by Brad Hawpe. You know, I don't care about that humidor shit. The ball travels 9% further here than at sea level. It hasn't changed anything. It's still a big hitter's park. Fuck you, Brad Hawpe! I bet your stick is really tiny when you're not hitting in this ballpark!
Minnesota Twins at New York Mets on Monday, June 18
At some point in the game
Keith Hernandez: Aaron Heilman in to pitch the 8th inning here. Heilman's pitched fairly well, but he's been hurt by the longball. He's served up 5 homers, including the one to Posada last night.
Gary Cohen: Come on, that doesn't count! It was a Yankee Stadium home run!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Posada did hit it very hard and several rows back. And a 330 ft homer counts as much as a 520 ft homer.
Gary Cohen: No it doesn't! The Mets never give up any runs! And if they do it's never their fault! They should be undefeated!
Keith Hernandez: Well, the Mets have had their share of bad luck, but...to say that runs they give up are never their fault is a little much.
Gary Cohen: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S TRUE! Aaron Heilman's ERA is like -5.89! He has struck out 89 in 25 innings!
Keith Hernandez: That's not possible, unless Lo Duca had 14 passed balls on third strikes or-
Gary Cohen: NO! LO DUCA NEVER SCREWS UP! HE HAS 0 PASSED BALLS! IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Heilman could have thrown 14 wild pitches that were swung and missed at for strike three-
Gary Cohen: NO! HE COULDN'T! HE'S AMAZING! IT'S THE UMPIRE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Dropped third strikes are the umpires' fault?
Gary Cohen: YES!
Keith Hernandez: Alright, Gary, I'm leaving. I'm going to go be misogynous to some women.
(Keith Hernandez leaves to go tell women they should all be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen cooking when they're not vacuuming or pleasuring him.)
Gary Cohen: Alright! He's gone! Time for some fun!
(Gary goes on iTunes and puts on "Meet the Mets" WFAN theme song)
Lyrics: Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs, green grass, all out at Shea! Guaranteed to have a heck of a dayyy!
Gary Cohen (simultaneously while dancing): Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs...mmmm, hot dogs...
Gary Cohen is the worst homer announcer of all time. His existence on this earth should be "OUTTA HERE!!!"
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