My inspiration from the Sunday Night game yesterday:
Using your fastball to set up your other pitches. That's real Braves-style pitching.
That was all I needed. Let's do this shit.
In the first inning
Jon Miller: Well, here we go tonight. Braves versus Atlanta here at Citizens Bank. Two NL East rivals. Battling for the division with the Mets. That's been quite a division race, wouldn't you say, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, Jon, the key to winning your division is to find ways to win games. You're not going to win your division if you lose games. Losing games is bad. Winning games is really good.
Jon Miller: Very well put, Joe. (to himself) We need a fucking Hall of Famer to tell us this shit? That was a fucking waste of time. I could have ordered bacon fat soup for my appetizer in the time it took him to speak meaningless crap.
When the Braves are pitching
Jon Miller: The pitch...and there's a beautiful breaking ball on the outside corner for strike three! That pitch was set up perfectly by those preceding two-seam and four-seam fastballs.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) I think this would be a hard thing to say anything dumb about, even for him.
Joe Morgan: That's great pitching right there. Fastballs to set up your other pitches. That's Braves-style pitching right there.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Guess not...(out loud) Yup. Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, probably 95% of all MLB pitchers, none of them ever use their fastballs to set up their other pitches.
Joe Morgan: That's right. Only Braves pitchers do that.
Jon Miller: (after finishing a hot dog wrapped in a twinkee) He's being sarcastic, Joe.
Joe Morgan: I know...wait, WHAT?! SHUT UP! YOU DIDN'T PLAY BASEBALL!!! Dave Concepcion!!! Uhhhh...Ken Griffey!!! Uhhhh, uhhh...1976 Reds greatest ever!!! I won 9 MVPs! I broke the color barrier!!! I invented small ball!!! I'm way better than Craig Biggio!!!
Medic: (to himself) Dammit, I can't even finish a fucking $15 beer before he launches into one of his anxiety attacks...(out loud) You're definitely getting the next round of beers, Smart Stat Guy. And get me some weed, too, motherfucker.
Later on in the game
Jon Miller: Well, the Phillies take the lead over the Braves behind a Ryan Howard 3-run-homer. As you said, Joe, the Phillies find ways to win games...often with long balls. Howard, Utley, Burrell, Rowand, and Rollins are all big HR threats, especially in this ballpark. What's your opinion on this, Joe, the Hall of Fame 2nd baseman/#1 analyst on ESPN?
Joe Morgan: Well, you're right, Jon. Hitting home runs helps you score runs. And you want to score more runs than the other team. If you score more runs than the other team, you'll win the ballgame. That's Philadelphia-style baseball there.
Jon Miller: ......(stunned)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: .......(stunned even while drunk and high)
Jon Miller: So, the Phillies are the only ones who ever try to outscore the other team?
Joe Morgan: Correct.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Joe...have some weed. Maybe if you're high, you'll actually make worthwhile comments.
By the way, kids. I do not condone drug use. However, I do suggest to get Joe Morgan to smoke some weed in the hopes that it either:
a. makes him a better analyst
-OR-
b. gets him fired, which Fire Joe Morgan has been trying to do for over 2 years now.
Either will do.
Showing posts with label bacon fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bacon fat. Show all posts
Monday, August 13, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
The best news I have ever heard in my whole life
MIKE MYERS DESIGNATED FOR ASSIGNMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only better news that I could hear would be the following things:
1. David Ortiz tests positive for HGH, the clear, the cream, and dangerously high cholesterol due to bacon fat (does that mean what I think it means?)
2. Jonathan Papelbon turns into Rick Ankiel
3. Fenway Park collapses and the team is forced to play their home games in Yankee Stadium. Let's see how Mikey does in the double and HR categories away from Fenway.
Hell, even with Fenway Park's help, he is and will continue to come back down to earth. This butthole leads the league in fence-scraping, cheapo, piece of shit home runs as you can see there. Even though his batting average is still .305, his OPS and SLG are down to .847 and .491 from the ridiculous .992 and .595 it had been (as late as June 2nd, the same day he knocked out Douggy Bombs with his concussion knee). And there's no hope for him either. He always sucks in the second half power-wise and is still 51 pts above his prOPS, which means he will probably keep crashing along with the Red Sox.
Seriously, all they've been doing since early June is ride their overachieved first two months. They were 37-17 after that June 2nd game. They are now 68-44. They have been barely a .500 team since. Fuck the Wild Card, I want the division. I'll settle for the Wild Card, but I fucking want Boston going down. I hate them and their stupid fans so much.
The only better news that I could hear would be the following things:
1. David Ortiz tests positive for HGH, the clear, the cream, and dangerously high cholesterol due to bacon fat (does that mean what I think it means?)
2. Jonathan Papelbon turns into Rick Ankiel
3. Fenway Park collapses and the team is forced to play their home games in Yankee Stadium. Let's see how Mikey does in the double and HR categories away from Fenway.
Hell, even with Fenway Park's help, he is and will continue to come back down to earth. This butthole leads the league in fence-scraping, cheapo, piece of shit home runs as you can see there. Even though his batting average is still .305, his OPS and SLG are down to .847 and .491 from the ridiculous .992 and .595 it had been (as late as June 2nd, the same day he knocked out Douggy Bombs with his concussion knee). And there's no hope for him either. He always sucks in the second half power-wise and is still 51 pts above his prOPS, which means he will probably keep crashing along with the Red Sox.
Seriously, all they've been doing since early June is ride their overachieved first two months. They were 37-17 after that June 2nd game. They are now 68-44. They have been barely a .500 team since. Fuck the Wild Card, I want the division. I'll settle for the Wild Card, but I fucking want Boston going down. I hate them and their stupid fans so much.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball! Episode 3: Joe Morgan has even done things he didn't do!
NOTE: Some necessary background for the episode from a recent Phil Mushnick article:
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Wow, what a truly great start to a career!!
Great story. But unless Morgan was confusing himself with Reds rookie infielder Chico Ruiz, it never happened. As several readers were moved to write, the Phillies played the Reds, Braves and Cardinals during that losing streak; Houston wasn't in the mix.
Furthermore, Morgan, though called up in 1964, did not have an RBI that season for Houston.
And he did not make his big-league debut in '64, either. That came Sept. 21, 1963, when he went 0-for-1, pinch-hitting against the Phillies. The next day, Morgan did have an RBI single to beat the Phillies, but those Phillies were well out of the race and not in the throes of a historic collapse; they'd actually won four of their previous five games.
Oh, so I guess not so truly.
In the first inning
Joe Morgan: Well, tonight could be the night! The 10,000th loss for the Philadelphia Phillies is near!
Jon Miller: (with mike turned off, or so he thinks) Joe, pipe the fuck (doesn't get bleeped, millions of e-mail and phone call complaints start coming in) down! I'm trying to order Chinese food! Yes, hi. I'd like dumplings, spare ribs, General Tso's Chicken, pork lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, anything and everything that goes into a fryer, a bucket of egg rolls...(continues naming items for 5 straight minutes on the air) with a side order of bacon fat and an all-you-can-eat buffet for a party of 35. Thanks. (hangs up the phone) Of course, since I'm going to be sharing all of this food...HA! Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know, Alex Rodriguez...
When Cardinals go up 10-0
Joe Morgan: Well, that 10,000th loss is eminent!
Smart Stat Guy in the back: That's IMMINENT, you idiot.
Joe Morgan: Whatever, but, back in 1964, the Phillies were in the midst of a big collapse and I got a huge RBI single to help sink them. Their manager was so mad that he said that they were beaten by a "Little Leaguer"!
Jon Miller: That's quite a story there, Joe!
Joe Morgan: Yes, in fact, I've had a lot of great moments in my career.
Jon Miller: Please share!
Joe Morgan: Well, I won 2 MVPs.
Jon Miller: That's right.
Joe Morgan: I won 2 World Series!
Jon Miller: Nothing like having rings.
Joe Morgan: I won 6 Cy Youngs!
Jon Miller: (eating and not paying attention) That's great.
Joe Morgan: I pitched a perfect game in the World Series!
Jon Miller: .......(too busy eating)
Joe Morgan: I also invented the curveball, the two-seam fastball, the cutter, and the congratulatory ass-slap!
Jon Miller: .......(napping)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back decided to leave and let Morgan talk about how he changed the game all by himself. Currently, Smart Stat Guy is at a pub getting free drinks from a hot bartender.
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Wow, what a truly great start to a career!!
Great story. But unless Morgan was confusing himself with Reds rookie infielder Chico Ruiz, it never happened. As several readers were moved to write, the Phillies played the Reds, Braves and Cardinals during that losing streak; Houston wasn't in the mix.
Furthermore, Morgan, though called up in 1964, did not have an RBI that season for Houston.
And he did not make his big-league debut in '64, either. That came Sept. 21, 1963, when he went 0-for-1, pinch-hitting against the Phillies. The next day, Morgan did have an RBI single to beat the Phillies, but those Phillies were well out of the race and not in the throes of a historic collapse; they'd actually won four of their previous five games.
Oh, so I guess not so truly.
In the first inning
Joe Morgan: Well, tonight could be the night! The 10,000th loss for the Philadelphia Phillies is near!
Jon Miller: (with mike turned off, or so he thinks) Joe, pipe the fuck (doesn't get bleeped, millions of e-mail and phone call complaints start coming in) down! I'm trying to order Chinese food! Yes, hi. I'd like dumplings, spare ribs, General Tso's Chicken, pork lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, anything and everything that goes into a fryer, a bucket of egg rolls...(continues naming items for 5 straight minutes on the air) with a side order of bacon fat and an all-you-can-eat buffet for a party of 35. Thanks. (hangs up the phone) Of course, since I'm going to be sharing all of this food...HA! Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know, Alex Rodriguez...
When Cardinals go up 10-0
Joe Morgan: Well, that 10,000th loss is eminent!
Smart Stat Guy in the back: That's IMMINENT, you idiot.
Joe Morgan: Whatever, but, back in 1964, the Phillies were in the midst of a big collapse and I got a huge RBI single to help sink them. Their manager was so mad that he said that they were beaten by a "Little Leaguer"!
Jon Miller: That's quite a story there, Joe!
Joe Morgan: Yes, in fact, I've had a lot of great moments in my career.
Jon Miller: Please share!
Joe Morgan: Well, I won 2 MVPs.
Jon Miller: That's right.
Joe Morgan: I won 2 World Series!
Jon Miller: Nothing like having rings.
Joe Morgan: I won 6 Cy Youngs!
Jon Miller: (eating and not paying attention) That's great.
Joe Morgan: I pitched a perfect game in the World Series!
Jon Miller: .......(too busy eating)
Joe Morgan: I also invented the curveball, the two-seam fastball, the cutter, and the congratulatory ass-slap!
Jon Miller: .......(napping)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back decided to leave and let Morgan talk about how he changed the game all by himself. Currently, Smart Stat Guy is at a pub getting free drinks from a hot bartender.
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