Colonel Decker, just capture me, you'd probably make better company during a Yankees game than my dad

My dad once again babbling about Bobby Abreu.

You look at Bobby Abreu, and you wouldn't think he's so fast...

Yes, I know. You've only told me this about 5 times in the last week or two. Anytime I repeat myself too often, which I unfortunately do from time to time, I blame you for forcing it upon me.

He's not bad defensively, either!

I believe you mentioned that before as well. And no, he's not good defensively. He's saved 17 runs fewer than average. That's 1.7 wins he's cost us defensively.

He's been great! (to which I respond by saying he's OK, and that he's actually slightly below average offensively for a right fielder, to which he responds) I have a hard time believing that.

Bobby Abreu
.277/.349/.443

I'm too lazy to add up at bats, plate appearances, hits, total bases, walks, sacrifices, etc. to calculate the correct averages, but since every qualified right fielder has at minimum 360 plate appearances, I'm going to just add up the averages and get a mean approximation for right fielders.

Rough average for right fielder
.281/.351/.467

So Abreu is a few pts below in batting average (negligible), a few points below in OBA (also negligible), and slugging average is a decent chunk below. He's certainly not terrible offensively, but he is a little below average right now. Not to say he will be for the rest of the season, but as of now, he is. Why is it so hard to understand this? Oh wait, I'm forgetting to account for something...

You have to factor for playing in New York, you know? There are so many people who have played elsewhere and put up great numbers, and then they come to New York and they suck! That's why sometimes it's better when you have homegrown guys, they develop in New York. You have guys like Brian Doyle, they rise to the occasion. Some people can take it. Others can't. It's really hard. It's easy to show off your skills in the middle of Ohio someplace, but a lot harder at Yankee Stadium in front of 57,000 people.

Yes, that's right. If you add in the ichNYcIhnb (I can't handle NY cuz I have no balls) factor, Bobby Abreu is just as good as Jermaine Dye.

At this point it's taking every ounce of my energy not to scream, "My GOD, are you an idiot?!" And you were a math major for crying out loud. Why is all your analysis based in platitudes and not in stats?! It probably is true that there were some people that weren't cut out to play in New York. You know what? What you said might very well be true, but you can't just say shit that sounds stupid without some sort of evidence to corroborate your theory. Aren't you a lawyer, too? This is the kind of crap I expect out of someone who wasted his or her parents' $100,000+ to study poetry or art or women's gender studies. Oh no, you're still not done...

Just look at Jose Contreras! He sucked for the Yankees. He goes to the White Sox and he wins a World Series. Then he comes back to Yankee Stadium and they kicked his ass!

*Insert Dr. Cox and Westminster Chime* WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONNNNNNNNNG....WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONNNNNNNNNG!!!! YER WRONNNG! YER WRONNNG! YER WRONNNG!

Jose Contreras
(career)
4.57 ERA
1.36 WHIP
6.54 K/9 IP
3.23 BB/9 IP
(vs. Yankees)
4.20 ERA
1.24 WHIP
6 K/9 IP
2.2 BB/9 IP

He has actually pitched BETTER than his career norms against the Yankees with the exception of strikeouts, and he is all of 3 strikeouts off his career rate for that many innings pitched. Not that this is a significant departure from his usual numbers especially considering the 45 inning sample size, but for God's sake. Do you EVER say anything without being sure that it's correct or reasonable first?

Capture me, cripple me, kill me...or just lift the blackout restrictions on MLB.tv so I can watch the games on my computer. Please?