B.A. needs Cablevision or DirecTV in the basement of his hideout from the U.S. Army

Because I can't bear to sit through another game with my dad...

"Abreu is great. You'd never think he was so fast! And aside from the fear of the wall, he's a pretty good fielder, too! And a great arm!" (heard approximately 3-4 times this week)

(after Jeter grounded into his 13th double play of the season, two shy of leading the league, just minutes after I predicted it) "He did hit a 2-run double earlier, so you owe him an apology."

"You know who the bench coach is in Tampa Bay? Zimmer! Why do you think they're in first place?!" (relatively new, but I expect that to be said every time the Rays' success comes up)

"Now he'll hit a home run." (refering to A-Rod when the Yankees were up by 4 runs, in the 8th inning)

This is just several of the many painful things I get to listen to while watching the games. Just to clarify:

Bobby Abreu: .871 RZR (2nd worst in AL), 9 OOZ plays (worst in AL)
Derek Jeter: one 2-run double makes up for grounding into 13 double plays in a little over half a season.
Don Zimmer: the reason the Rays pitching staff has a 114 ERA+ and that Evan Longoria has a near-.900 OPS at age 22
A-Rod: his fault that pitchers have walked him 17 times in 101 PA w/RISP. W/RISP, A-Rod hits .244/.396/.449. Not great, but that's still not terrible. What should clue you in is the OBP. People don't give A-Rod shit to hit, even with a hot Giambi behind him, because he's that fucking good. Besides, it's 78 at bats, and he's caught a few bad breaks so far (.294 BABIP w/RISP vs. .335 total).

Please have a heart. Help B.A. avoid killing himself and give him DirecTV in the basement so he can watch the game in peace...