Thursday, July 24, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: There is hope for normality in Boston!!!!! (well, not really, but at least normality has some representation)

I love you, Kevin Cullen.

The Yankees are in town for a weekend series, and this would be a nice time to retire the stupidest chant in the world: Yankees suck.

Boston fan? Wants people to stop saying, "Yankees suck"? Huh?

Now, before you go all Hank Steinbrenner on me, hear me out.

I don't like the Yankees. I never did, though as a kid I liked the way Bobby Murcer played the outfield, and for some odd reason I always wanted Horace Clarke to do well.

But I am a Red Sox fan, have been all my life, and so that means I don't like the Yankees. My two sons don't like the Yankees either.

Fair enough. No problem with that.

But here's the critical difference: I respect the Yankees, and I've taught my sons to do so, too. They are 14 and 11, love baseball, and know that Derek Jeter plays the game as well and as hard as anyone has. If I were picking sides in the schoolyard, Jeter is the guy I'd pick first.

If you watch him in the on-deck circle at Fenway, Jeter turns and talks to the kids. He's one of the few players who seem to comprehend how lucky he is to be playing a game and making millions doing it. He's class, all the way, and he's the Yankees captain, epitomizes them as a team, and the hell with the Boss, this is Jeter's team.

He has to be on drugs. I cannot believe a Red Sox fan is capable of writing this and presenting it as his own. Jack, if you're not busy, this guy might need to be brought into protective CTU custody.

So when you say the Yankees suck, you're saying Derek Jeter sucks, which is preposterous.

Damn right.

But, really, beyond being crude and moronic, the phrase "Yankees suck" is simply outdated. Its origins are from a bygone era, when we all knew deep down in our hearts that no matter how far ahead the Red Sox might have been in August, no matter the score and inning of a game in October, the Yankees were going to win. And there was nothing we could do about it.

The way it ought to be.

But that's over. It's been over since October 2004, when "Yankees suck" should have been put out to pasture. Shouting "Yankees suck" at Fenway Park today is like yelling "No Taxation Without Representation!" at Faneuil Hall.

Whatever you think of "Yankees suck," it used to mean something, but now it doesn't. It is mindless, as those who chant it often are. I was at Game 7 of the Celtics-Hawks playoff series, and when it became apparent that the C's would win, some in the crowd started chanting "Yankees suck."

"Dad," my oldest asked, "why are they saying that at a Celtics game?"

"Because," I replied, "they're too stupid to think up anything else."

*choirs of angels singing*

Thank you, God. There is hope for Boston yet. I hope that this man temporarily becomes a Mormon, marries 60 women, has 12 kids with each one, and each kid marries 60 different people, and each couple has another 12 kids...all of whom are raised in this same environment to not be morons.

Then there will be a legitimate army to combat the douchebags that comprise so much of the present Boston and Massachusetts population.

Now, sit back, and think long and hard for a moment. Have you ever said "Yankees suck"? Think of the people you have seen or heard saying this over the years. My experience has been that most people who shout "Yankees suck" are either drunk, obnoxious, or stupid and very often a combination of all three. They are an embarrassment to the rest of us, and their chant makes us look like a bunch of local yokels.

I know this will fall on deaf ears, and "Yankees suck" will be sung lustily all weekend in the bleachers and grandstand, then on Brookline Avenue as guys who have already had too much to drink mosey down to Kenmore Square, looking for more booze or a fight.

But if in this day and age you continue to yell "Yankees suck," it says a lot more about you than the team you think you're insulting.

Excellent article, my friend. Nobody can better speak the truth than one who lives among them and roots for the same team.

Hey, I'm not innocent of the opposite, though it's not the same to chant "Boston sucks!" because while it definitely implies the Red Sox, I see it as sort of a general statement about Boston itself, its obnoxious citizens, and their inferiority to New York.

And in a way, I sort of disagree with Cullen. If I were a Red Sox fan, I would chant "Yankees suck!" for fun, when appropriate of course (if the Red Sox are up by 10 runs or if the Yankees are arguing with an umpire, certainly not at a goddamn Celtics game) fully knowing that they don't suck. On the other hand, Cullen probably knows that people like that don't exist. The morons who chant it do think the Yankees suck. Derek Jeter could be hitting .350 with a .440 OBP, he sucks. A-Rod could be OPS'ing 150 pts higher than Ortiz, he's still not as good as Big Papi, or Manny. And Papelbon is so much better than Mariano, even though Mariano's WHIP and ERA are way lower. Idiots.

Thank you, Kevin Cullen. It's people like you that Boston needs a lot more of.

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