My inspiration from the Sunday Night game yesterday:
Using your fastball to set up your other pitches. That's real Braves-style pitching.
That was all I needed. Let's do this shit.
In the first inning
Jon Miller: Well, here we go tonight. Braves versus Atlanta here at Citizens Bank. Two NL East rivals. Battling for the division with the Mets. That's been quite a division race, wouldn't you say, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, Jon, the key to winning your division is to find ways to win games. You're not going to win your division if you lose games. Losing games is bad. Winning games is really good.
Jon Miller: Very well put, Joe. (to himself) We need a fucking Hall of Famer to tell us this shit? That was a fucking waste of time. I could have ordered bacon fat soup for my appetizer in the time it took him to speak meaningless crap.
When the Braves are pitching
Jon Miller: The pitch...and there's a beautiful breaking ball on the outside corner for strike three! That pitch was set up perfectly by those preceding two-seam and four-seam fastballs.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) I think this would be a hard thing to say anything dumb about, even for him.
Joe Morgan: That's great pitching right there. Fastballs to set up your other pitches. That's Braves-style pitching right there.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Guess not...(out loud) Yup. Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, probably 95% of all MLB pitchers, none of them ever use their fastballs to set up their other pitches.
Joe Morgan: That's right. Only Braves pitchers do that.
Jon Miller: (after finishing a hot dog wrapped in a twinkee) He's being sarcastic, Joe.
Joe Morgan: I know...wait, WHAT?! SHUT UP! YOU DIDN'T PLAY BASEBALL!!! Dave Concepcion!!! Uhhhh...Ken Griffey!!! Uhhhh, uhhh...1976 Reds greatest ever!!! I won 9 MVPs! I broke the color barrier!!! I invented small ball!!! I'm way better than Craig Biggio!!!
Medic: (to himself) Dammit, I can't even finish a fucking $15 beer before he launches into one of his anxiety attacks...(out loud) You're definitely getting the next round of beers, Smart Stat Guy. And get me some weed, too, motherfucker.
Later on in the game
Jon Miller: Well, the Phillies take the lead over the Braves behind a Ryan Howard 3-run-homer. As you said, Joe, the Phillies find ways to win games...often with long balls. Howard, Utley, Burrell, Rowand, and Rollins are all big HR threats, especially in this ballpark. What's your opinion on this, Joe, the Hall of Fame 2nd baseman/#1 analyst on ESPN?
Joe Morgan: Well, you're right, Jon. Hitting home runs helps you score runs. And you want to score more runs than the other team. If you score more runs than the other team, you'll win the ballgame. That's Philadelphia-style baseball there.
Jon Miller: ......(stunned)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: .......(stunned even while drunk and high)
Jon Miller: So, the Phillies are the only ones who ever try to outscore the other team?
Joe Morgan: Correct.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Joe...have some weed. Maybe if you're high, you'll actually make worthwhile comments.
By the way, kids. I do not condone drug use. However, I do suggest to get Joe Morgan to smoke some weed in the hopes that it either:
a. makes him a better analyst
-OR-
b. gets him fired, which Fire Joe Morgan has been trying to do for over 2 years now.
Either will do.
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