Big Floppy

As you can see by the look on my face, I don't like David Ortiz. Notice how last night, he was just smiling all the time and trying to look like a big lovable fat guy? It's a nice little guise but we all know he's selfish and full of himself. I talked to him myself about some questions I and reasonable people had about him:

B.A.: Hey, David, what did you think about the MVP voting last year?
Ortiz: It should have been me. You can't win MVP unless you hit 40 HR and drive in over 100. Derek Jeter shouldn't have gotten any votes. He didn't have to do it in my lineup. Let's see what he would have done in my lineup.
B.A.: Really? So by saying this, you basically admit that you said Jeter shouldn't win MVP?
Ortiz: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Tell Derek I'm sorry. I never said Jeter shouldn't be MVP. I just said that fat Dominican DHs who hit lots of HR and drive in lots of runs should be MVPs and that multiracial shortstops who don't hit lots of HR or drive in runs shouldn't be MVPs.
B.A.: OK, well Jeter actually OPS'd over 1.000 with runners in scoring position and you didn't, which is a better indicator of how well you do with runners on than RBIs, but let's drop that since it would be too easy to prove that you're wrong about pretty much everything you said. I want to ask you about something else. Can you clarify what you said about steroids?
Ortiz: Well, I don't think it helps you at all. It's eye-hand coordination. You still have to hit the ball.
B.A.: You're brilliant. I've never heard that before. But what I'm curious about are those protein shakes.
Ortiz: Well, actually they were cookies and cream milkshakes from Haagen Daas. That's my idea of protein. But yeah, I might have taken steroids. I'm not sure. I don't know what they put in those shakes. I drank them and suddenly I was 50 pounds heavier with Popeye muscle and balls started going really really far. I just don't know.
B.A.: Understandable. Could have happened to anybody. Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Rincon, and Guillermo Mota all got steroids from eating Fruit Loops, I heard.
Ortiz: Yeah, in fact, I'm not sure if I've done heroin either. I saw Manny had passed out in the clubhouse with a syringe in his forearm and I thought it was a vaccine. I decided to do it and it felt really really nice. I just don't know.
B.A.: Interesting.
Ortiz: Yeah, and I'm not sure if I've killed anyone either. I beat someone mercilessly this one time and he stopped moving and breathing. Then the coroner showed up, as well as Boston Police. But they didn't question me or anything. They just asked for autographs and for me to turn around and bare my ass so they could all kiss it. I don't know. I might have killed him.
B.A.: Any other crimes you might have committed?
Ortiz: That's all I can think of now.
B.A.: Lemme know when you think of any others, I do standup comedy.
Ortiz: You got it.
B.A.: Thanks.

Fuck David Ortiz. Fuck that whole team. Fuck Boston. Fuck Massachusetts. Fuck New England...and fuck everybody now that I think of it.