Hey everybody! Some poetry! A collaborative effort from Mets fans infatuated with Jose Reyes, dumbass broadcasters like Morgan and McCarver, and obstinate old people. I personally found it to be very moving and awesome.
Baseball is a rollercoaster of emotions
Never mind those statistical notions
Grittiness and heart determine it all
Much more than hitting one over the wall
Stolen bases are the greatest things ever
Swiping a base, always a worthwhile endeavor
Don’t look at a run expectation table
It’s nothing more than a harebrained fable
Jose Reyes’ triples and SBs are so exciting
They make jerking off oh just so inviting
Forget that several shortstops are just as good
They don’t give me nearly as much wood
I hate big sluggers who get on base
They couldn’t beat a cripple in a footrace
Who cares about a high on-base average?
Let alone all the pitching that they ravage?
Isn’t smallball simply the best?
Experts like Morgan and McCarver acquiesced
Watching smallball teams is so much fun
Even though they seldom score a run
Fuck these people in their assholes
I hope Satan devours their brainless souls
Then shits them out into a sea of fires
And disembowels them with a pair of B.A.'s pliers
Doesn’t that poem just nail baseball right on the head? It’s so moving and totally right at the same time. OK…maybe they’re wrong about everything they wrote, but it’s still awesome. The last stanza kind of doesn’t fit in with the rest. I don’t know why it’s in there. Maybe a bad edit. OK, I’ll admit it, I wrote that. But that’s it! Everything else was not written by me…fuck, you got me. I confess, I wrote this whole thing to mock these morons. After all, isn’t this my job since I write for a blog called “Pwnage of Morons”? Yeah, I thought so. Thanks.
NOTE: I do realize Jose Reyes is a very good player. His on-base is about .400 and his stolen base percentage isn’t bad, but the over-hype he gets and the reasons for which he gets it drive me nuts.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Introducing the legendary man who is never right
I present to you...Tim McCarver, my friends.
Joe Buck: Well, runner on second, Lugo, and nobody out. It looks as if Lugo’s looking at the third base coach for signs. Do you think they're going to bunt? Or could they be thinking of trying to steal third with nobody out? What do you think Tim?
Tim McCarver: Well, you see. I think that stealing third base here would be an incredibly smart play. The defense definitely wouldn’t be thinking of it. And that way all you need is a fly ball to score a run.
Joe Buck: And here’s the pitch from Wang…Lugo’s going! Posada’s throw is…in time, Lugo is gone.
Tim McCarver: And that is exactly…exactly why you do not try to steal third base with no one out. You’re already in scoring position! What is he thinking?
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): Oh my God…
Joe Buck: And here’s Wil Nieves to bat here with one out and nobody on.
Tim McCarver: Interesting to note, Joe. Wil Nieves…has never…NEVER…hit a Major League home run. I personally don’t see him doing it.
Joe Buck: And Nieves rips one down the left field line, Manny will look up and this ball is gone! Wil Nieves with his first Major League home run.
Tim McCarver: You see, Wil Nieves doesn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to play, but he has pop in that bat! I don’t understand why Joe Torre doesn’t play him everyday.
Smart Stat guy in the back: They have Jorge Posada, you fucking retard with a Southern drawl to make you sound dumber, who’s OPSing .980.
Tim McCarver: But I know what I'm talking about! I caught Bob Gibson! I caught Steve Carlton!
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, that has an incredible amount of relevance here. Though I guess you do know something about baserunning, like running past the guy on first base when you hit a grand slam. "Sheer speed" you called it? How about "sheer imbecility"...
Tim McCarver: Fire that man!!!
Smart Stat guy in the back (thinking to himself): Not again...
Joe Buck: Well, Tim, I wonder, as ARod steps in to face Papelbon, if Papelbon is not still thinking of that home run that he gave up to ARod back on June 3rd earlier this season.
Tim McCarver (in his Southern drawl): There is no way…absolutely…no way…that Papelbon is going to approach ARod timidly or any differently than he would had he not given up that home run. Papelbon is a tough man to rattle. He is an unbelievably great closer. He throws unbelievably hard. He has a huge penis. He is a God among men. He can mix oil and water and walk on both. He–
Joe Buck (with mike turned off): You can stop licking his package now, Tim. Everybody gets the point. (turns mike back on) And ARod launches one deep to left-center…track…wall…monument park! Yankees win! And Papelbon walks off the mound…it looks like he’s crying. Francona is coming out with a pacifier and a new pair of underwear, the latter necessary as evidenced by the brownish stain on Papelbon’s rear end.
Tim McCarver: You see, that’s exactly why Papelbon should have given ARod a different look, maybe changed his approach. There is no way you can allow yourself to get burned twice like that by the same guy. And look at that! He’s rattled! I always knew he didn’t have what it took to be a closer.
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): I envy dad…solely because he’s dead and doesn’t have to sit next to this third rate dumbass whose IQ is inversely proportional to his incoherence.
Joe Buck: Well, runner on second, Lugo, and nobody out. It looks as if Lugo’s looking at the third base coach for signs. Do you think they're going to bunt? Or could they be thinking of trying to steal third with nobody out? What do you think Tim?
Tim McCarver: Well, you see. I think that stealing third base here would be an incredibly smart play. The defense definitely wouldn’t be thinking of it. And that way all you need is a fly ball to score a run.
Joe Buck: And here’s the pitch from Wang…Lugo’s going! Posada’s throw is…in time, Lugo is gone.
Tim McCarver: And that is exactly…exactly why you do not try to steal third base with no one out. You’re already in scoring position! What is he thinking?
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): Oh my God…
Joe Buck: And here’s Wil Nieves to bat here with one out and nobody on.
Tim McCarver: Interesting to note, Joe. Wil Nieves…has never…NEVER…hit a Major League home run. I personally don’t see him doing it.
Joe Buck: And Nieves rips one down the left field line, Manny will look up and this ball is gone! Wil Nieves with his first Major League home run.
Tim McCarver: You see, Wil Nieves doesn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to play, but he has pop in that bat! I don’t understand why Joe Torre doesn’t play him everyday.
Smart Stat guy in the back: They have Jorge Posada, you fucking retard with a Southern drawl to make you sound dumber, who’s OPSing .980.
Tim McCarver: But I know what I'm talking about! I caught Bob Gibson! I caught Steve Carlton!
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, that has an incredible amount of relevance here. Though I guess you do know something about baserunning, like running past the guy on first base when you hit a grand slam. "Sheer speed" you called it? How about "sheer imbecility"...
Tim McCarver: Fire that man!!!
Smart Stat guy in the back (thinking to himself): Not again...
Joe Buck: Well, Tim, I wonder, as ARod steps in to face Papelbon, if Papelbon is not still thinking of that home run that he gave up to ARod back on June 3rd earlier this season.
Tim McCarver (in his Southern drawl): There is no way…absolutely…no way…that Papelbon is going to approach ARod timidly or any differently than he would had he not given up that home run. Papelbon is a tough man to rattle. He is an unbelievably great closer. He throws unbelievably hard. He has a huge penis. He is a God among men. He can mix oil and water and walk on both. He–
Joe Buck (with mike turned off): You can stop licking his package now, Tim. Everybody gets the point. (turns mike back on) And ARod launches one deep to left-center…track…wall…monument park! Yankees win! And Papelbon walks off the mound…it looks like he’s crying. Francona is coming out with a pacifier and a new pair of underwear, the latter necessary as evidenced by the brownish stain on Papelbon’s rear end.
Tim McCarver: You see, that’s exactly why Papelbon should have given ARod a different look, maybe changed his approach. There is no way you can allow yourself to get burned twice like that by the same guy. And look at that! He’s rattled! I always knew he didn’t have what it took to be a closer.
Joe Buck (thinking to himself): I envy dad…solely because he’s dead and doesn’t have to sit next to this third rate dumbass whose IQ is inversely proportional to his incoherence.
Friday, June 8, 2007
This is just hilarious
An article by Joe Morgan a while back talking about Rickey Henderson:
Despite what some may think, Rickey's greatest quality as a leadoff man was not his high on-base percentage. In fact, for those who consider Jeremy Giambi to be the right choice as Oakland's leadoff hitter, the ability to get on base is not even the second most important quality.
(which is, as he writes later in the article...)
The leadoff man must have the right mentality and realize the importance of his job the first time up. He has to be willing to take pitches and sacrifice part of his at-bat to give his team a longer look at the pitcher. Taking as many pitches as possible allows his teammates to see how sharp the pitcher's breaking ball is, how much control he has with his fastball, and how much movement is on his pitches. The more pitches a team sees, the better.
This is stupid. Joe never reads anything about baseball. OBA, which correlates best with runs scored, at least among traditional stats (stats like eqA, OPS+, gross production average, etc. are better), is not even the second most important quality to him, but the right mentality is.
B.A.: Hey, sucka? Biologically, what’s the most important component of procreation?
Morgan: Well, contrary to what people think, it’s not sex.
B.A.: Huh?
Morgan: It’s all about the mindset of the two people.
B.A.: Well yeah, responsibility, being ready for a kid...that stuff is important but I'm just saying biologically.
Morgan: That's what I mean. Biologically, you have to have the right mentality. People with the best mentality have the most kids.
B.A.: Do you have any proof of this?
Morgan: Trust me, I've had kids.
B.A.: So, the right mentality about procreation is salient and the physical act of having sex is biologically insignificant?
Morgan: That’s right...I guess...I don't know what salient means.
B.A.: Of paramount importance...
Morgan: Oh I love movies from Paramount!
B.A.: Not Paramount studios...basically salient means it's very important.
Morgan: Oh, alright, well yeah, sex isn't biologically important if you want to have kids. Believe me, I'd know.
B.A.: Thanks Mr. Father-of-people-who-have-in-turn-had-more-people.
#1 on his priority list was speed, but I'll get into that later.
On-base percentages are overrated for a leadoff hitter. All the sluggers have high on-base percentages. Jason Giambi led the American League in on-base percentage a year ago, but what does he do once he is on base? All he can do is stand at first base and wait for someone else to move him around. But if a player has speed and the right mental approach, on-base percentage becomes more important for a leadoff man. The more times he is on base, the more he can use his speed.
So on-base average (it's not a percentage) isn't important unless you have speed? Alright Joe, I'm going to go inform Jason about your opinion now:
B.A.: Hey Jason?
Jason Giambi (finishes amphetamines): Yeah, B.A.?
B.A.: Joe Morgan thinks you should stop being so patient and being good at not making outs. I think Torre hates your getting on base so others have opportunities to drive you in.
Jason Giambi: Well Torre doesn’t have to worry about my not making outs because of my foot.
B.A.: Great. I’m sure the Yankees are thrilled to not have your not-profusely-making-outs bat in the lineup anymore.
Giambi: Yeah, but that's alright. Douggy Bombs is lighting up the scoreboard in my absence.
B.A.: Nah, that puny prick Lowell gave him a concussion and a broken wrist.
Giambi: What? That skinny fuck. That limpdick got no heat for all the roids he took.
B.A.: Yeah I know. You shoulda heard the convo he was having after last Saturday's game.
Giambi: What do you mean?
B.A.: He's on "the queer" and he takes HMH.
Giambi: The queer AND Human Mojo Hormone?!
B.A.: Yup.
Giambi: I hope he dies.
B.A.: We all do.
Just because Giambi is slow does not mean that his getting on base is not valuable. Speed is valuable gravy, but not necessary. Jeter getting on base will likely lead to more runs than Giambi at the same clip, but that would be a marginal difference:
Giambi (2002)
120 runs scored
Jeter (2002)
124 runs scored
"Jeter scored 4 more runs with an OBA 62 pts lower!" you might say. However, think about it. Jeter's batting behind Giambi who would generally either drive him in or draw a walk, leading to a guy behind Giambi likely driving Jeter in. However, after Giambi, the lineup gets weaker aside from when Bernie (.908 OPS) hit behind him:
Jorge Posada
.828 OPS
Robin Ventura
.836 OPS
Raul Mondesi
.745 OPS
Rondell White
.666 OPS
Does anyone think a guy with a significantly lower OBA but more speed would have helped score more runs? Giambi having a .435 OBA is incredibly valuable because by being on base all the time, the guys behind you WILL knock you in. Look at the RBI totals for a couple of these guys:
Posada: 99 RBI in 511 AB
Ventura: 93 RBI in 465 AB
If Giambi were faster, he’d have probably scored a few more runs, but seeing as how the Yankees won 103 games and scored 897 runs to lead the league, I think Giambi’s .435 OBA with little speed was plenty. What else did they lead the league in by the way? OBA. Coincidence? I don’t think so, foo! Where were they in stolen bases? 6th. The team to lead the league in stolen bases was the offensively minded Kansas City Royals, who scored 24 runs that year, all on Mike Sweeney solo homers.
Overall, Morgan makes decent points about how speed on the bases can disrupt a pitcher and what not, but these things are what I’d call bonuses, not priorities. Mickey Rivers disrupted pitchers on the bases, but only 32.7% of the time because the other 67.3% of the time he was making outs. His “disruption factor” led to a total of 785 runs scored in 5629 AB, or a run scored every 7.17 AB. Versus say someone like…Joe Morgan! His .392 OBA led to 1650 runs scored in 9277 AB, or a run scored every 5.62 AB. And Joe, no, it was only marginally due to the fact that you stole more bases or that you were a pest on the basepaths with that team, oh what are they called, oh how could I forget? The Big Red Machine. I should have remembered that sooner, you only talk about it every 3 minutes. Anyways, you scored more runs because you got on base at a clip that was 65 pts higher than Rivers. End of story.
Despite what some may think, Rickey's greatest quality as a leadoff man was not his high on-base percentage. In fact, for those who consider Jeremy Giambi to be the right choice as Oakland's leadoff hitter, the ability to get on base is not even the second most important quality.
(which is, as he writes later in the article...)
The leadoff man must have the right mentality and realize the importance of his job the first time up. He has to be willing to take pitches and sacrifice part of his at-bat to give his team a longer look at the pitcher. Taking as many pitches as possible allows his teammates to see how sharp the pitcher's breaking ball is, how much control he has with his fastball, and how much movement is on his pitches. The more pitches a team sees, the better.
This is stupid. Joe never reads anything about baseball. OBA, which correlates best with runs scored, at least among traditional stats (stats like eqA, OPS+, gross production average, etc. are better), is not even the second most important quality to him, but the right mentality is.
B.A.: Hey, sucka? Biologically, what’s the most important component of procreation?
Morgan: Well, contrary to what people think, it’s not sex.
B.A.: Huh?
Morgan: It’s all about the mindset of the two people.
B.A.: Well yeah, responsibility, being ready for a kid...that stuff is important but I'm just saying biologically.
Morgan: That's what I mean. Biologically, you have to have the right mentality. People with the best mentality have the most kids.
B.A.: Do you have any proof of this?
Morgan: Trust me, I've had kids.
B.A.: So, the right mentality about procreation is salient and the physical act of having sex is biologically insignificant?
Morgan: That’s right...I guess...I don't know what salient means.
B.A.: Of paramount importance...
Morgan: Oh I love movies from Paramount!
B.A.: Not Paramount studios...basically salient means it's very important.
Morgan: Oh, alright, well yeah, sex isn't biologically important if you want to have kids. Believe me, I'd know.
B.A.: Thanks Mr. Father-of-people-who-have-in-turn-had-more-people.
#1 on his priority list was speed, but I'll get into that later.
On-base percentages are overrated for a leadoff hitter. All the sluggers have high on-base percentages. Jason Giambi led the American League in on-base percentage a year ago, but what does he do once he is on base? All he can do is stand at first base and wait for someone else to move him around. But if a player has speed and the right mental approach, on-base percentage becomes more important for a leadoff man. The more times he is on base, the more he can use his speed.
So on-base average (it's not a percentage) isn't important unless you have speed? Alright Joe, I'm going to go inform Jason about your opinion now:
B.A.: Hey Jason?
Jason Giambi (finishes amphetamines): Yeah, B.A.?
B.A.: Joe Morgan thinks you should stop being so patient and being good at not making outs. I think Torre hates your getting on base so others have opportunities to drive you in.
Jason Giambi: Well Torre doesn’t have to worry about my not making outs because of my foot.
B.A.: Great. I’m sure the Yankees are thrilled to not have your not-profusely-making-outs bat in the lineup anymore.
Giambi: Yeah, but that's alright. Douggy Bombs is lighting up the scoreboard in my absence.
B.A.: Nah, that puny prick Lowell gave him a concussion and a broken wrist.
Giambi: What? That skinny fuck. That limpdick got no heat for all the roids he took.
B.A.: Yeah I know. You shoulda heard the convo he was having after last Saturday's game.
Giambi: What do you mean?
B.A.: He's on "the queer" and he takes HMH.
Giambi: The queer AND Human Mojo Hormone?!
B.A.: Yup.
Giambi: I hope he dies.
B.A.: We all do.
Just because Giambi is slow does not mean that his getting on base is not valuable. Speed is valuable gravy, but not necessary. Jeter getting on base will likely lead to more runs than Giambi at the same clip, but that would be a marginal difference:
Giambi (2002)
120 runs scored
Jeter (2002)
124 runs scored
"Jeter scored 4 more runs with an OBA 62 pts lower!" you might say. However, think about it. Jeter's batting behind Giambi who would generally either drive him in or draw a walk, leading to a guy behind Giambi likely driving Jeter in. However, after Giambi, the lineup gets weaker aside from when Bernie (.908 OPS) hit behind him:
Jorge Posada
.828 OPS
Robin Ventura
.836 OPS
Raul Mondesi
.745 OPS
Rondell White
.666 OPS
Does anyone think a guy with a significantly lower OBA but more speed would have helped score more runs? Giambi having a .435 OBA is incredibly valuable because by being on base all the time, the guys behind you WILL knock you in. Look at the RBI totals for a couple of these guys:
Posada: 99 RBI in 511 AB
Ventura: 93 RBI in 465 AB
If Giambi were faster, he’d have probably scored a few more runs, but seeing as how the Yankees won 103 games and scored 897 runs to lead the league, I think Giambi’s .435 OBA with little speed was plenty. What else did they lead the league in by the way? OBA. Coincidence? I don’t think so, foo! Where were they in stolen bases? 6th. The team to lead the league in stolen bases was the offensively minded Kansas City Royals, who scored 24 runs that year, all on Mike Sweeney solo homers.
Overall, Morgan makes decent points about how speed on the bases can disrupt a pitcher and what not, but these things are what I’d call bonuses, not priorities. Mickey Rivers disrupted pitchers on the bases, but only 32.7% of the time because the other 67.3% of the time he was making outs. His “disruption factor” led to a total of 785 runs scored in 5629 AB, or a run scored every 7.17 AB. Versus say someone like…Joe Morgan! His .392 OBA led to 1650 runs scored in 9277 AB, or a run scored every 5.62 AB. And Joe, no, it was only marginally due to the fact that you stole more bases or that you were a pest on the basepaths with that team, oh what are they called, oh how could I forget? The Big Red Machine. I should have remembered that sooner, you only talk about it every 3 minutes. Anyways, you scored more runs because you got on base at a clip that was 65 pts higher than Rivers. End of story.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Players who ought to be shot
After Tadahito Iguchi went 3 for 5 yesterday, B.A. got mad...REALLY REALLY MAD! So I decided to get my learn on, foo!
Tadahito Iguchi
career OPS: .777
career OPS versus NYY: 1.035 in 45 at bats (I know it's a small sample size, but the Yankees and White Sox play each other pretty infrequently and this is what he's done against the Yankees over the course of 2 seasons)
Coco Crisp
OPS (2007): .622
OPS (2007 versus NYY): .994
OBA (2007): .299
OBA (2007 versus NYY): .444 (and yes that means he, who has slugged under .400 in 3 of his 5 full seasons, is also slugging .550...Coco Crisp and the word slug should not be in the same sentence together...unless you're talking about putting one in him, which as one can infer from the title, I'm all in favor of)
Julio Lugo
walk totals versus other teams this year: 1,1,0,1,1,0,1,2,3,0
walk totals versus NYY this year: 10...yes...FUCKING TEN
The Mets have disclaimers in their contract for their moron fans, I think some teams must have clauses in their contracts like this:
You are at best a C+ to B- hitter. You are not that good. You are a bum that might not even be in MLB before this contract is up. However, if you play well against the Yankees, you will reap the benefits of what we call the "I'm an Annoying Slaphitting Dipshit" Incentive. This bonus adds 10% to your salary for that season and free tickets you will be coerced into using to see that play about a bunch of artsy, pretentious dumbasses who all get AIDS and die. At least I hope they die, I'm not willing to sit through it to find out...that's your job. But as you know, this wouldn't be an incentive if we didn't think annoying people like you would enjoy widely acclaimed bowel movements like these.
I don't care if it's Griffey, Thome, Howard, Pujols, Hafner, Vlad, or any big time power hitter that kills the Yankees. They kill everybody, some to more of an extent than others. But there is something about weenie bums who suck that hit the Yankees well. Sure there are bums who don't hit the Yankees, but there are some guys who just fucking kill the Yankees and are terrible. It's annoying as hell. As I've said, they oughta be shot. And being Sgt. B.A. Baracus, I got as good a shot as anyone, sucka!
Tadahito Iguchi
career OPS: .777
career OPS versus NYY: 1.035 in 45 at bats (I know it's a small sample size, but the Yankees and White Sox play each other pretty infrequently and this is what he's done against the Yankees over the course of 2 seasons)
Coco Crisp
OPS (2007): .622
OPS (2007 versus NYY): .994
OBA (2007): .299
OBA (2007 versus NYY): .444 (and yes that means he, who has slugged under .400 in 3 of his 5 full seasons, is also slugging .550...Coco Crisp and the word slug should not be in the same sentence together...unless you're talking about putting one in him, which as one can infer from the title, I'm all in favor of)
Julio Lugo
walk totals versus other teams this year: 1,1,0,1,1,0,1,2,3,0
walk totals versus NYY this year: 10...yes...FUCKING TEN
The Mets have disclaimers in their contract for their moron fans, I think some teams must have clauses in their contracts like this:
You are at best a C+ to B- hitter. You are not that good. You are a bum that might not even be in MLB before this contract is up. However, if you play well against the Yankees, you will reap the benefits of what we call the "I'm an Annoying Slaphitting Dipshit" Incentive. This bonus adds 10% to your salary for that season and free tickets you will be coerced into using to see that play about a bunch of artsy, pretentious dumbasses who all get AIDS and die. At least I hope they die, I'm not willing to sit through it to find out...that's your job. But as you know, this wouldn't be an incentive if we didn't think annoying people like you would enjoy widely acclaimed bowel movements like these.
I don't care if it's Griffey, Thome, Howard, Pujols, Hafner, Vlad, or any big time power hitter that kills the Yankees. They kill everybody, some to more of an extent than others. But there is something about weenie bums who suck that hit the Yankees well. Sure there are bums who don't hit the Yankees, but there are some guys who just fucking kill the Yankees and are terrible. It's annoying as hell. As I've said, they oughta be shot. And being Sgt. B.A. Baracus, I got as good a shot as anyone, sucka!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Jon Miller must be senile too
I don't know if it's just me, but this is basically how the broadcast of last night's game went:
Jon Miller: And there's a groundball to ARod, he throws to first for the out. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(half inning later)
Jon Miller: Up to the plate steps Alex Rodriguez. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(2 innings later)
Jon Miller: Lugo grounds to Jeter, and Jeter throws him out. Jeter, the shortstop, is playing right next to the third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Peter [Gammons]?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And there's a fat Sox fan in the stands stroking his penis in front of an 8 year old boy, and that reminds me of third basemen, which reminds me of Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And here's my crotch and fatass masseuse/trans fat delivery boy. Hey look, there's Alex Rodriguez at third base, and in case you didn't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, sweet cheeks?
He must have brought it up like 5-6 times during the game last night. He might as well have asked everyone and his/her mother what they thought of the play. Ridiculous. I can't wait for the next Sunday Night ESPN Yankees game so we can listen to the Senile-Dead-Horse-Beating-Dumbasses broadcast the game.
Jon Miller: And there's a groundball to ARod, he throws to first for the out. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(half inning later)
Jon Miller: Up to the plate steps Alex Rodriguez. For those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(2 innings later)
Jon Miller: Lugo grounds to Jeter, and Jeter throws him out. Jeter, the shortstop, is playing right next to the third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Peter [Gammons]?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And there's a fat Sox fan in the stands stroking his penis in front of an 8 year old boy, and that reminds me of third basemen, which reminds me of Alex Rodriguez, and for those of you who don't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, Joe?
(next inning)
Jon Miller: And here's my crotch and fatass masseuse/trans fat delivery boy. Hey look, there's Alex Rodriguez at third base, and in case you didn't know, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding ARod of late...particularly his play in Toronto when he yelled something at the Blue Jays' third baseman Howie Clark and it ended up distracting him enough for Posada's popup to drop! Lots of people say it was bush league, others say it was a smart play and that people do it all the time. What's your take on it, sweet cheeks?
He must have brought it up like 5-6 times during the game last night. He might as well have asked everyone and his/her mother what they thought of the play. Ridiculous. I can't wait for the next Sunday Night ESPN Yankees game so we can listen to the Senile-Dead-Horse-Beating-Dumbasses broadcast the game.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball! Yankees-Red Sox! WEEEEEEE!!!!!
I thought I'd write a post to express my absolute delight that Jon Miller and Joe Morgan will be broadcasting tomorrow night's Red Sox-Yankees game. Here are some of the conversations I expect in tomorrow night's game:
In the 1st inning:
Jon Miller: Well, up steps the hot-hitting Kevin Youkilis. It’s funny, Joe. I recently read Moneyball, which was written by Michael Lewis, and there’s practically a whole chapter about Youkilis in it.
Joe Morgan: Well, quite frankly, Jon, I don’t think that Billy Beane should have written Moneyball. I think it’s a very bad book that shouldn’t have been written.
Jon Miller: Have you read the book, which was written by Michael Lewis?
Joe Morgan: No, I haven’t. As I’ve said before, I don’t read stuff that Billy Beane writes.
Jon Miller: Well you’re an illiterate imbecile and you don’t read period, so I’m not surprised.
Joe Morgan: Are you still mad about my calling you fat two weeks ago when we were tossing David Wright’s salad after his HR?
Jon Miller: Yes I am, Joe! That was totally uncalled for and you made me feel so unattractive.
Joe Morgan: I apologize, and to make up for it I’ll get you into the locker room so you can shower with Papelbon.
Jon Miller: You’re such a sweetheart, Joe.
Between the 3rd and 4th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery. I’d like the mega-size bacon cheeseburger pizza with a side of lard. Thanks.
(dials another number)
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Outback Steakhouse? I’d like an incredibly rare New York Strip, with the Aussie Cheese Fries, Chicken Strips, and the discarded fat from other people’s entrees. Send it to Fenway Park. You know? That ginormous-green-eyesore-ought-to-be-dynamited-piece-of-shit? Thanks.
When Coco Crisp or Julio Lugo steals a base:
Joe Morgan: You see, it’s stolen bases and smart decisions on the basepaths that win ballgames. Smallball is a very underrated strategy.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, it’s called Smallball because the people who use it are dipshits with small balls.
Joe Morgan: What are you talking about?! Smallball wins championships! I would know because of my days with the Big Red Machine.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Shut up, you senile old dumbass. Your Big Red Machine won because they had a team OPS+ of 129 in 1976. You yourself had an OPS+ of 187. Smallball means little, fast, gritty, annoying wastes of roster spots running into tons of outs and costing you runs.
Joe Morgan: Noooo! Dave Concepcion! Uhh…uh…Johnny Bench!
Jon Miller: Oh no, he’s having one of his senile anxiety attacks. Get a medic in here!
Joe Morgan: Sparky Anderson! Big Red Machine! Pete Rose! Tony Perez!
When anybody makes a decent play in the infield:
Joe Morgan: Infield defense is the most important aspect of any team, and that’s what wins ballgames. I think I’ve said this before.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yup, a great infield that can’t hit worth a shit and a pitching staff that gives up 300 HR a year is going to win ballgames.
Joe Morgan: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER PLAYED BASEBALL! George Foster! Ken Griffey!
Jon Miller: Get another medic! And fire this stat guy! Who hired an intelligent, knowledgeable, well-qualified baseball statistician to be in the booth with obstinate, ignorant dumbasses like us?!
Between the 6th and 7th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Dairy Queen? Send over to Fenway Park a large banana split topped with bacon fat. Thanks.
Joe Morgan: Bacon fat as a topping?
Jon Miller: Absolutely, Joe. It’s fantastic. I love fat…just not on my favorite baseball players like Jonny Papelboner. I call him that because his juiced radar gun reading of 98 mph gives me a boner. Heehee!
In the 9th inning
Jon Miller: Well here's Jonathan Papelbon. The pitch...strike on the inside corner. 98 mph...wow! He throws soooo harrrd...
Joe Morgan: This guy is probably the best closer in the game. And he throws really hard.
Jon Miller: The pitch...and another fastball this time on the OUTSIDE corner...another strike! Wow, he's amazing.
Joe Morgan: You see, that's what good pitchers do. They work the ball in and out...
Jon Miller: Kinda like what I'll be doing with him after this game's over, Joe. And the 0-2 pitch to Jeter...and Jeter gets into one to left center...on its way...good bye!
Joe Morgan (crying): .....................
Jon Miller (with mike turned off): Oh no...Papelbon's REALLY going to need some love tonight. Damn you Jeter! Go out tonight and screw all those hot women that want you, you...good baseball player, you!
It might not be this bad, but it'll be pretty close.
In the 1st inning:
Jon Miller: Well, up steps the hot-hitting Kevin Youkilis. It’s funny, Joe. I recently read Moneyball, which was written by Michael Lewis, and there’s practically a whole chapter about Youkilis in it.
Joe Morgan: Well, quite frankly, Jon, I don’t think that Billy Beane should have written Moneyball. I think it’s a very bad book that shouldn’t have been written.
Jon Miller: Have you read the book, which was written by Michael Lewis?
Joe Morgan: No, I haven’t. As I’ve said before, I don’t read stuff that Billy Beane writes.
Jon Miller: Well you’re an illiterate imbecile and you don’t read period, so I’m not surprised.
Joe Morgan: Are you still mad about my calling you fat two weeks ago when we were tossing David Wright’s salad after his HR?
Jon Miller: Yes I am, Joe! That was totally uncalled for and you made me feel so unattractive.
Joe Morgan: I apologize, and to make up for it I’ll get you into the locker room so you can shower with Papelbon.
Jon Miller: You’re such a sweetheart, Joe.
Between the 3rd and 4th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery. I’d like the mega-size bacon cheeseburger pizza with a side of lard. Thanks.
(dials another number)
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Outback Steakhouse? I’d like an incredibly rare New York Strip, with the Aussie Cheese Fries, Chicken Strips, and the discarded fat from other people’s entrees. Send it to Fenway Park. You know? That ginormous-green-eyesore-ought-to-be-dynamited-piece-of-shit? Thanks.
When Coco Crisp or Julio Lugo steals a base:
Joe Morgan: You see, it’s stolen bases and smart decisions on the basepaths that win ballgames. Smallball is a very underrated strategy.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yeah, it’s called Smallball because the people who use it are dipshits with small balls.
Joe Morgan: What are you talking about?! Smallball wins championships! I would know because of my days with the Big Red Machine.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Shut up, you senile old dumbass. Your Big Red Machine won because they had a team OPS+ of 129 in 1976. You yourself had an OPS+ of 187. Smallball means little, fast, gritty, annoying wastes of roster spots running into tons of outs and costing you runs.
Joe Morgan: Noooo! Dave Concepcion! Uhh…uh…Johnny Bench!
Jon Miller: Oh no, he’s having one of his senile anxiety attacks. Get a medic in here!
Joe Morgan: Sparky Anderson! Big Red Machine! Pete Rose! Tony Perez!
When anybody makes a decent play in the infield:
Joe Morgan: Infield defense is the most important aspect of any team, and that’s what wins ballgames. I think I’ve said this before.
Smart Stat guy in the back: Yup, a great infield that can’t hit worth a shit and a pitching staff that gives up 300 HR a year is going to win ballgames.
Joe Morgan: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER PLAYED BASEBALL! George Foster! Ken Griffey!
Jon Miller: Get another medic! And fire this stat guy! Who hired an intelligent, knowledgeable, well-qualified baseball statistician to be in the booth with obstinate, ignorant dumbasses like us?!
Between the 6th and 7th innings:
Jon Miller: Yes, hi, Dairy Queen? Send over to Fenway Park a large banana split topped with bacon fat. Thanks.
Joe Morgan: Bacon fat as a topping?
Jon Miller: Absolutely, Joe. It’s fantastic. I love fat…just not on my favorite baseball players like Jonny Papelboner. I call him that because his juiced radar gun reading of 98 mph gives me a boner. Heehee!
In the 9th inning
Jon Miller: Well here's Jonathan Papelbon. The pitch...strike on the inside corner. 98 mph...wow! He throws soooo harrrd...
Joe Morgan: This guy is probably the best closer in the game. And he throws really hard.
Jon Miller: The pitch...and another fastball this time on the OUTSIDE corner...another strike! Wow, he's amazing.
Joe Morgan: You see, that's what good pitchers do. They work the ball in and out...
Jon Miller: Kinda like what I'll be doing with him after this game's over, Joe. And the 0-2 pitch to Jeter...and Jeter gets into one to left center...on its way...good bye!
Joe Morgan (crying): .....................
Jon Miller (with mike turned off): Oh no...Papelbon's REALLY going to need some love tonight. Damn you Jeter! Go out tonight and screw all those hot women that want you, you...good baseball player, you!
It might not be this bad, but it'll be pretty close.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Predictions
Now that Giambi is likely done for the year, I thought I'd make some predictions about the future for the Yankees and the players currently on the team:
Carl Pavano will come back from Tommy John Surgery, sign with another team, and win the Cy Young Award with 27 wins, a 1.81 ERA, 1.120 WHIP, and 9.3 K/9 IP. And when he gets into a car accident, he will immediately call the front office.
Jason Giambi will sign with another team and then turn back into the old Oakland version, turning in an OBA of .497 and a SLG of .734. Also, he will start to hit the ball to that other part of the field known as left field to neutralize the shift.
Bobby Abreu, after his .230 OBA/.263 SLG 2007 season, he will sign with another club and rebound. He will draw 158 walks, hit 38 HR, be willing to crash into walls, and actually begin to look like he cares.
Phil Hughes will return from his injury like he never left. He will pitch against the Red Sox and pitch a perfect game through 8 2/3 innings with 20 strikeouts. He will have 2 strikes on that 27th batter, when in the midst of throwing the pitch on the 0-2 count he will sneeze. By sneezing, he will strain his neck and be in such pain that he can't turn it. He will also slip on his follow through and both tear his ACL and twist his ankle Robin Ventura style. To at least look at the bright side, the pitch will be a 107 mph fastball that will defy the laws of physics by hitting the batter Manny Ramirez (if you're wondering why Manny would be hitting 9th, don't bother, it's not as much fun if it's Dustin Pedroia suffering the life-threatening, incredibly painful injury, so just pretend Manny's the #9 hitter) in his face, then seemingly with a life force of its own the ball will go straight down and destroy his genitals. Life will not be all negatives, my fellow Yankee fans.
The Yankees will hire a new strength and conditioning coach. The interview will go as follows:
NYY interviewer: So, congratulations. You are the new strength and conditioning coach for the New York Yankees!
New S&C guy: Thank you, it's an honor.
NYY interviewer: So, what do you need? We have plenty of weight training facilities down in Tampa.
New S&C guy: Nah, no weights.
NYY interviewer: Um, ok. We have lots of stretch cords and runways that players can stretch, run, and do drills on when the other team is taking BP.
New S&C guy: Nah, not interested.
NYY interviewer: Huh. Ok. So what will you have our million dollar athletes doing if you don't need anything?
New S&C guy: Ya got any porno?
NYY interviewer: Uh...well...I think Jaret Wright left some in his locker before we got rid of him. Why?
New S&C guy: Ya got any booze?
NYY interviewer: *absolutely startled now* Uhh...nothing other than the beer we sell for $169 per 20 oz cups. Again, why?
New S&C guy: Put in an order for a bunch of 30 racks. And to answer your question, I'm a firm believer in just chilling before games, you know? Watch some porn, jerk off to it, maybe some actual whores the following afternoon after winning, drink half of a 30 rack instead of stretching, running, taking BP or fielding practice.
NYY interviewer: This sounds revolutionary. I like it. I think I'll entrust an aging team with a $200+ million payroll to you.
I'll come up with more predictions later. My precognitive powers are dwindling and need a rest.
Carl Pavano will come back from Tommy John Surgery, sign with another team, and win the Cy Young Award with 27 wins, a 1.81 ERA, 1.120 WHIP, and 9.3 K/9 IP. And when he gets into a car accident, he will immediately call the front office.
Jason Giambi will sign with another team and then turn back into the old Oakland version, turning in an OBA of .497 and a SLG of .734. Also, he will start to hit the ball to that other part of the field known as left field to neutralize the shift.
Bobby Abreu, after his .230 OBA/.263 SLG 2007 season, he will sign with another club and rebound. He will draw 158 walks, hit 38 HR, be willing to crash into walls, and actually begin to look like he cares.
Phil Hughes will return from his injury like he never left. He will pitch against the Red Sox and pitch a perfect game through 8 2/3 innings with 20 strikeouts. He will have 2 strikes on that 27th batter, when in the midst of throwing the pitch on the 0-2 count he will sneeze. By sneezing, he will strain his neck and be in such pain that he can't turn it. He will also slip on his follow through and both tear his ACL and twist his ankle Robin Ventura style. To at least look at the bright side, the pitch will be a 107 mph fastball that will defy the laws of physics by hitting the batter Manny Ramirez (if you're wondering why Manny would be hitting 9th, don't bother, it's not as much fun if it's Dustin Pedroia suffering the life-threatening, incredibly painful injury, so just pretend Manny's the #9 hitter) in his face, then seemingly with a life force of its own the ball will go straight down and destroy his genitals. Life will not be all negatives, my fellow Yankee fans.
The Yankees will hire a new strength and conditioning coach. The interview will go as follows:
NYY interviewer: So, congratulations. You are the new strength and conditioning coach for the New York Yankees!
New S&C guy: Thank you, it's an honor.
NYY interviewer: So, what do you need? We have plenty of weight training facilities down in Tampa.
New S&C guy: Nah, no weights.
NYY interviewer: Um, ok. We have lots of stretch cords and runways that players can stretch, run, and do drills on when the other team is taking BP.
New S&C guy: Nah, not interested.
NYY interviewer: Huh. Ok. So what will you have our million dollar athletes doing if you don't need anything?
New S&C guy: Ya got any porno?
NYY interviewer: Uh...well...I think Jaret Wright left some in his locker before we got rid of him. Why?
New S&C guy: Ya got any booze?
NYY interviewer: *absolutely startled now* Uhh...nothing other than the beer we sell for $169 per 20 oz cups. Again, why?
New S&C guy: Put in an order for a bunch of 30 racks. And to answer your question, I'm a firm believer in just chilling before games, you know? Watch some porn, jerk off to it, maybe some actual whores the following afternoon after winning, drink half of a 30 rack instead of stretching, running, taking BP or fielding practice.
NYY interviewer: This sounds revolutionary. I like it. I think I'll entrust an aging team with a $200+ million payroll to you.
I'll come up with more predictions later. My precognitive powers are dwindling and need a rest.
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