Saturday, May 19, 2007

I don't think I hate anything as much as I hate the Mets and their fans

The team is a bunch of cocksucking morons who all shave their heads thinking that it's cool to look like a bunch of freshly circumsized schlongs. I've always hated that sort of thing when teams collectively shave their heads (like the Mets) or all grow out a ridiculous amount of facial hair (Red Sox) and look like a bunch of assholes. Here are some but not all of the annoying aspects of this team:


-Incredibly overrated, he's no better or worse than Jimmy Rollins, Hanley Ramirez, Bill Hall, and especially Derek Jeter, who is probably part of the reason that Mets' fans are such phallus-blowers for Reyes. Since Jeter has a lifetime eqA of .305, .384 OBA/.479 SLG in the postseason , makes lots of money, doesn't flaunt like the typical Mets cocksucker, and can get with any hot woman he wants, Mets' fans all hate him and blow Reyes incessantly hoping it will improve his performance. And another thing, Jeter-haters jeeringly call him Captain Intangibles. Yeah, a WARP3 average of 8.6 each year is "intangible". Blow me.

-He steals bases and hits triples, wow, I'm blown away by this excitement! How about a little less excitement and a little more consistency in your OPS. In the last 8 months of baseball dating back to last year, he has OPS'd over 1.000 in 3 of those months, in the other 5 months he has failed to OPS over .800.

-The fans' cheer for him is so fucking irritating. An incredibly plaguy soccer chant made 400 times worse. Just when you think something can't get worse, just put Mets fans on it. They could take Rocky V and turn it into Gigli, Brokeback Mountain, From Justin to Kelly, Plan 9 from Outer Space, and Crossroads combined.


-Currently has a .306 eqA on the season. He hasn't put up an eqA over .280 since 1998. Goin' doowwwwwwn.


-Currently has a .315 eqA on the season. His best eqA since 2002's .323 has been .285. He'll fade, too.

"Everybody clap 'yo hands!" *clapclapclapclapclapclap...*:

-This is one of the most annoying, lamest cheers I have ever heard at a major league ballpark. Or the other one that has the same voice babble some crap before he starts a "Let's go Mets" cheer. Since it's so bad already, and knowing Mets' fans uncanny ability to exacerbate the already deplorable, and their usual act of self-gratification after anything Reyes does, why not do this: after Reyes steals a base, or hits a triple, or gets picked off, which has apparently also been described as exciting by some Mets moron (I apologize for the redondancy here, Mets and morons are one and the same), or does an irritating dance that merits a Joel Zumaya fastball between his eyes in his next at bat, play, "Everybody jack off now!" *squirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirt*..."Joseeeeee Jose Jose Joseeeeeeee..."

How it has suddenly become cool to be a Mets' fan:

-This just further encourages me to remain a Yankees fan, even though watching them this season has been infuriating. Seeing all these bandwagon weenie fuckfaces starting to become Mets' fans just makes my blood boil. The second the Mets are actually good, the Yankees after years of being the much better team take a backseat to these Flushing Fucks. I understand that if the Mets are doing better than the Yankees that there will be more attention paid to the Mets, that's not what I mean. I'm talking about the bullshit that Mets' fans spew like "Yankees suck!" and "Who cares about 26 WS titles? They all came last millenium! Who cares about the past!" First off, the Yankees haven't won since 2000, that is 7 years ago. Not very long. And if the Mets had won 4 world championships in 5 years recently or 26 total, boy would they be quick to turn around on the past's relevance. And if you wanna talk droughts, forget the Yankees' massive single-digit year drought, the Mets kinda have a big one. The last time they won, Ronald Reagan was still president, Sammy Hagar had just joined Van Halen, and the Berlin wall was still up. And before that, the last time they won, Sesame Street hadn't had its first episode yet. And the Yankees beat their asses in the World Series also. That never gets brought up. I wonder if Mets fans even remember if that happened. I think they have an extremely good ability to block out unpleasant experience. And considering the Mets average a playoff appearance once every 6.4 years (Amazin'? You gotta be joking), they kinda need to have that ability. And last year they failed to reach the World Series again because of guys like So Taguchi, Yadier Molina, their own manager being afraid to bring in his $10 million closer in Game 7 of the NLCS and sending up Cliff Floyd in the 9th hoping for a Kirk Gibson, and their own Carlos Beltran watching an Adam Wainwright curveball strike him out. New York Mets. Our Team. Our Time. Keep waiting, schmucks. You bandwagon jackoffs don't know shit about baseball...actually, you don't know shit about anything come to think of it. Enjoy the Mets' winning so you can call up WFAN and engage in a Mets' masturbation orgy with Steve Somers at 2 in the morning since most of you don't need to be up until 11 am to go pick up your welfare checks.