ESPN Sunday Night Baseball Episode 4!!!! Some classic Joe Morgan color commentary!! WEEEEEE!!!!

My inspiration from the Sunday Night game yesterday:

Using your fastball to set up your other pitches. That's real Braves-style pitching.

That was all I needed. Let's do this shit.

In the first inning
Jon Miller: Well, here we go tonight. Braves versus Atlanta here at Citizens Bank. Two NL East rivals. Battling for the division with the Mets. That's been quite a division race, wouldn't you say, Joe?
Joe Morgan: Well, Jon, the key to winning your division is to find ways to win games. You're not going to win your division if you lose games. Losing games is bad. Winning games is really good.
Jon Miller: Very well put, Joe. (to himself) We need a fucking Hall of Famer to tell us this shit? That was a fucking waste of time. I could have ordered bacon fat soup for my appetizer in the time it took him to speak meaningless crap.

When the Braves are pitching
Jon Miller: The pitch...and there's a beautiful breaking ball on the outside corner for strike three! That pitch was set up perfectly by those preceding two-seam and four-seam fastballs.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) I think this would be a hard thing to say anything dumb about, even for him.
Joe Morgan: That's great pitching right there. Fastballs to set up your other pitches. That's Braves-style pitching right there.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Guess not...(out loud) Yup. Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, probably 95% of all MLB pitchers, none of them ever use their fastballs to set up their other pitches.
Joe Morgan: That's right. Only Braves pitchers do that.
Jon Miller: (after finishing a hot dog wrapped in a twinkee) He's being sarcastic, Joe.
Joe Morgan: I know...wait, WHAT?! SHUT UP! YOU DIDN'T PLAY BASEBALL!!! Dave Concepcion!!! Uhhhh...Ken Griffey!!! Uhhhh, uhhh...1976 Reds greatest ever!!! I won 9 MVPs! I broke the color barrier!!! I invented small ball!!! I'm way better than Craig Biggio!!!
Medic: (to himself) Dammit, I can't even finish a fucking $15 beer before he launches into one of his anxiety attacks...(out loud) You're definitely getting the next round of beers, Smart Stat Guy. And get me some weed, too, motherfucker.

Later on in the game
Jon Miller: Well, the Phillies take the lead over the Braves behind a Ryan Howard 3-run-homer. As you said, Joe, the Phillies find ways to win games...often with long balls. Howard, Utley, Burrell, Rowand, and Rollins are all big HR threats, especially in this ballpark. What's your opinion on this, Joe, the Hall of Fame 2nd baseman/#1 analyst on ESPN?
Joe Morgan: Well, you're right, Jon. Hitting home runs helps you score runs. And you want to score more runs than the other team. If you score more runs than the other team, you'll win the ballgame. That's Philadelphia-style baseball there.
Jon Miller: ......(stunned)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: .......(stunned even while drunk and high)
Jon Miller: So, the Phillies are the only ones who ever try to outscore the other team?
Joe Morgan: Correct.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Joe...have some weed. Maybe if you're high, you'll actually make worthwhile comments.

By the way, kids. I do not condone drug use. However, I do suggest to get Joe Morgan to smoke some weed in the hopes that it either:

a. makes him a better analyst
-OR-
b. gets him fired, which Fire Joe Morgan has been trying to do for over 2 years now.

Either will do.

Godfucking dammit

The Yankees never fucking sweep a series. And often they win the first two, or they win the first three, then they blow the last game. But they need to fucking sweep series and they haven't. The Twins, the Angels, Toronto a few weeks ago, Kansas City two weeks ago, Chicago, and now Toronto again. And even more frustrating, as I was discussing with Douggy Bombs just a few minutes ago while I was running from the MPs, Wang fucking sucks on the road. I love when my observations are backed up by stats:

Chien-Ming Wang (2005-2007)
Home: 3.22 ERA, 1.180 WHIP, .252 BAA (2.77 ERA, 1.103 WHIP, .234 BAA this year)
Away: 4.45 ERA, 1.416 WHIP, .291 BAA (4.45 ERA, 1.414 WHIP, .300 BAA this year)

And these splits don't include the game he pitched tonight. CockpenisshitgodmotherfuckingdammitgonadslickingturdandsemendevouringFUCK.

Infuriating. And to add to that, Atlanta loads the bases with NOBODY out in the 9th against Wagner down by one run. And Wagner walked Chris Woodward who was pinch hitting with the intention of giving himself up to get the runners to 2nd and 3rd. At that point, all you have to do is HIT A FUCKING FLYBALL. But no, Francoeur grounds out to Wright who gets the force at home. Then Andruw Jones, who is a fat useless piece of shit this year, grounds into a 4-6-3 double play to end the game. Luckily I was quick enough to the remote that I changed the channel before Gary Cohen started masturbating while singing "Meet the Mets".

It's just one game, obviously. So it's nothing to get too pissed about. But still, Wang needs to figure out how to get the goddamn ball down on the road.

A new HR king…and nobody cares...

Do you? Does any sensible person care? Well, yes, some do…like me. I care because it’s an absolute disgrace that a record achieved by a man who was one of the best pure hitters and biggest HR threats during a very pitching oriented era, and had to endure racism throughout his career, has been broken by a shameless piece of shit like Barry Bonds. Now, Aaron has also not been considered the true HR king sometimes because he did it in many more at bats than Ruth, which is true. Ruth is the greatest HR hitter of all time, bar none (and don’t give me “Mark McGwire’s AB/HR ratio is lower!” Fuck Mark McGwire for obvious reasons). However, nobody else compiled that many HR. The guy was a HR machine year-in and year-out for almost 20 years. And he wasn’t just a HR hitter, he was an awesome player. I mean, for his career, he was:

.305/.374/.555
156 OPS+ (15 seasons above 150, that’s nuts)
1402 BB/1382 K
.326 eqA
76 FRAA
210.7 WARP3

Watching Bonds hit that HR last night was about as sickening and revolting as it could get. And the bastard got to do it in San Francisco in front of all his idiot fans. I hate Mets fans, but I wish that the Giants had to go to Shea again this year so Bonds could possibly get some harmful objects thrown at him, though I bet that pussy (and yes, I’m sure he has one now since the more severe side effect of excessive steroid use is total disintegration of male genitalia and the creation of a vagina) wouldn’t play. Congratulations, Barry. Enjoy your tenure as HR king that nobody gives a shit about that won’t last longer than 6-7 years because you’ll either be dead or ARod will overtake your ass.

Random bit of comedy I'd forgotten to put up here a while back

This conversation is sort of a prequel to the first episode of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball at Fenway Park. Jack Bauer and I, while we were casually killing terrorists, were talking about how Miller and Morgan were sucking off David Wright after his HR off Clippard back in May, and we had some funny lines going back and forth that I can't remember, but this excerpt was fucking awesome, which went something like this:

B.A. Baracus: (as Joe Morgan) JON! DON'T EVER TALK ABOUT JOSE LIKE THAT! I LOVE HIM AND HIS EXCITEMENT AND HIS RUNNING TOO MUCH AND HIS FAKE 20 HR POWER HE DOESN'T HAVE FROM LAST YEAR IN A WAY YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND!

Jack Bauer: Hahahaha

Jack Bauer: (as Joe Morgan) It was like Pinocchio kept tellin' lies, Jon!

B.A Baracus: LMAO

B.A. Baracus: (as Joe Morgan) And, man, it wudn't his nose that was growin' lemme tell ya!

AIM convos that the three of us have could be a hilarious blog in and of itself.

The best news I have ever heard in my whole life

MIKE MYERS DESIGNATED FOR ASSIGNMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only better news that I could hear would be the following things:

1. David Ortiz tests positive for HGH, the clear, the cream, and dangerously high cholesterol due to bacon fat (does that mean what I think it means?)
2. Jonathan Papelbon turns into Rick Ankiel
3. Fenway Park collapses and the team is forced to play their home games in Yankee Stadium. Let's see how Mikey does in the double and HR categories away from Fenway.

Hell, even with Fenway Park's help, he is and will continue to come back down to earth. This butthole leads the league in fence-scraping, cheapo, piece of shit home runs as you can see there. Even though his batting average is still .305, his OPS and SLG are down to .847 and .491 from the ridiculous .992 and .595 it had been (as late as June 2nd, the same day he knocked out Douggy Bombs with his concussion knee). And there's no hope for him either. He always sucks in the second half power-wise and is still 51 pts above his prOPS, which means he will probably keep crashing along with the Red Sox.

Seriously, all they've been doing since early June is ride their overachieved first two months. They were 37-17 after that June 2nd game. They are now 68-44. They have been barely a .500 team since. Fuck the Wild Card, I want the division. I'll settle for the Wild Card, but I fucking want Boston going down. I hate them and their stupid fans so much.

How to Achieve 1,000 Runs and Actually Be Good At Baseball, Too

Fill this out:



I always love how people think they can play GM and put together a great lineup like *that* by assembling a bunch of guys with high RBI, run, and SB totals, or by talking about how "toolsy" someone is. I also love how others sit there, deep in sabermatric analysis...as if they think Baseball is really just a text-based simulation of Baseball, and not an actual game played on an actual field by actual people with actual bats and gloves, instead of pencils, a sharpener, and the obligatory t-value charts.

Well, wannabe scouts, you're wrong.

Sabermetricians, you're wrong too.

Well here's my side. The third side. The third dimension in the two dimensional plane of reality in which most GMs and fans operate. I like to call this third dimension LINEUP BALANCE. This means, not just assembling a lineup full of good fantasy baseball guys with good stats in 5 categories. This means, not just looking at on base percentage and thinking you can build around this. And even for advanced statheads, this means moving beyond runs created, VORP, WARP, etc. So today, I will take you through building a lineup, and give you the best lineup in baseball today that a team can actually afford.

That said, there are several BASIC principles that every GM and GM wannabe should abide by when deciding what their team needs. I tried to keep things basic so simple scouts and smarty sabermetricians can both understand. The "look fors" I will give you, are very basic guidelines, and the suggested stats I give are "potential" stats, not necessarily prior year stats. It is up to YOU how much of a given attribute you want, within the given range. Don't worry. If you fuck up, it's only your team's season. Oh, wait, you're not an actual GM. So go get your copies of Baseball Mogul, and let's get started with the principles:

***PRINCIPLE #1: YOU SCORE RUNS IN DIFFERENT WAYS OFF DIFFERENT PITCHERS
The most important principle. Some pitchers are prone to longballs. Others are groundball machines. Others are control artists that require utmost patience. Others are so tough to hit that you HAVE to manufacture runs to beat them. Still others need to be battled until they become fatigued. And for all of these types, they come right handed, left handed, throw from different angles, and have all kind of different offspeed pitches that move uniquely. Therefore, you have to give yourself an edge any way possible. You need to be able to do it all. Obviously, there aren't many hitters that CAN do it all, so you'll need to fill different parts of your lineup with different types of players and group like types together to achieve a maximum impact.

***PRINCIPLE #2: YOU WANT A SMALLBALL CAPABLE, BUT NOT SMALLBALL OBSESSED, TOP OF THE ORDER
You will want a top of the order that can get on base while hitting for a decent average, and you don't want too much power here. Too much pop will kill you, as your sluggers won't be batting with men on base. You want hitters that spoil a lot of pitches, have no real holes in their swing, and don't swing and miss very often. Additionally, you want speed, but not reckless speed. You want 30 steal speed in both the 1 and 2 holes, although 20 steal speed is acceptable in the 2 spot, and you want smart baserunners. You want good walk totals from you leadoff hitter, and you'd prefer them in your 2 hitter as well, but your 2 hitter should have a high contact% against pitches out of the strike zone, as well as in general. Both players should be bunt-capable.
LOOK FOR
#1 hitter .280 - .300, 80+ walks, less than 90 strikeouts, 30 SB, between 5 and 15 homers
#2 hitter .300 +, 60+ walks, 20 SB, between 10 and 25 homers, swings and misses less than 10% of the time

***PRINCIPLE #3: YOU WANT A DYNAMIC #3 HITTER, BUT NOT A MONSTER
You will want your #3 hitter to be your most consistent, but not necessarily your best hitter. You want a high average from this spot, and someone that does not hit into many double plays (this is actually very important). You want 15 steal speed, line drives, down on the ball, and again, a low strikeout total and low swing and miss total. You will be counting on this guy to produce in the 1st and 3rd, less than 2 out situation. Furthermore, you want a home run threat, but not someone who is going to hit more than 25 home runs as this detracts from the value of your 4 through 7 hitters.
LOOK FOR
#3 hitter .290 +, between 15 and 25 home runs, between 70 and 85 walks, less than 95 strikeouts, swings and misses less than 15% of the time

***PRINCIPLE #4: YOU WANT POWER IN THE 4 THROUGH 7 SPOTS
Self explanatory. Middle of the order, you will hammer crap pitching with these bats. You want a high OBP from your 4-5 hitters, you can accept lower from your 6-7, but you want RBI guys. Your true sluggers - your homer only threats - you want batting 6th or 7th. Your 4th hitter should be your best run producer, and your fifth hitter should be your second best. The 4 hitter should be able to hit any pitch out of the ballpark, and the 5 hitter should be not far behind. In other words, no one in your lineup should have a hole in their swing until the 6 hitter. The 7th hitter doesn't need anywhere as much power as the other 3 (15-20 HR will do here), but should still be a run producer.
LOOK FOR
#4 hitter: .300+, minimum 30 home runs, minimum 80 walks, no more than 10 steals
#5 hitter: .280+, minimum 30 home runs, minimum 70 walks, no more than 10 steals
#6 hitter: .270+, minimum 25 home runs, minimum 70 walks, no more than 15 steals
#7 hitter: .270+, minimum 15 home runs, minimum 65 walks, between 5 and 20 steals

***PRINCIPLE #5: YOU WANT TO TURN THE LINEUP OVER WITH THE 8-9 GUYS BUT YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE JUST LIKE THE TOP OF THE ORDER
These guys, it's OK if they're not speed demons. You want good contact hitters, high average not required, who are capable of situational smallball, but usually won't be asked to do so without a situation presenting itself, and usually won't do it on their own. Additionally, you want more power than you would get from your top of the order - these last two guys are your mistake hitters. And again, you want tough at bats, increasing the likelihood that you get a mistake to hit. These are the guys who typically pound one type of pitch, but are mediocre against the rest. They are specialty hitters who can counter an opposing pitcher's strength with one of their own, and they always have the potential to just randomly have a great year. At least one of these guys, preferably both, should be bunt-capable.

LOOK FOR
These positions are highly subjective. Find guys who do ONE thing well, and put them in there. These guys should all be expected to bat at least .260, and be able to draw 50 walks over the course of a season. 10-20 home runs is desirable as well. Shy away from .220 hitters with high HR totals, as well as .290 hitters with no power. You want these guys to be mistake hitters, but when they get a mistake, you want them to cash it in. Also, believe it or not, you don't want any of these guys to steal more than 20 bases. In fact, in these spots, stolen bases don't really mean a thing. Additionally, avoid anyone likely to hit more than 20 homers. The likely drop in contact (as well as the lost value of having men on base - helping you to multi-run innings), coupled with the fact that many HRs will go "wasted" at the bottom of the order, more than negates the value of the additional home runs.

***PRINCIPLE #6: YOU WANT TOUGH OUTS WHO WILL SEE LOTS OF PITCHES
Self explanatory. The more pitches you see, the more likely the pitcher is to make a mistake. This principle covers every hitter in every lineup.

***PRINCIPLE #7: SOME PHYSICIST WAS RIGHT
For every force, there is an equal and opposite force. A balanced lineup, therefore, is balanced. There are four scales you want to balance: speed, power, contact, and walks. You don't want too much of any one thing, or even too much of all of these. Take speed and power. What good is speed if you have home run threats at the plate and can't run? What good is power if your sluggers are being distracted by stealing baserunners, or, worse yet, the speedy guy gets thrown out and now your slugger's home run is worth one less run? Take contact and walks. What good is great contact if you never swing because you are working counts? And what good is great walks if guys don't move runners around the bases by swinging the bat?

A good lineup has an ample amount of all four of these attributes, in both consistent AND inconsistent hitters, ensuring that the lineup will rarely, if ever, go cold. A lineup such as this will beat flamethrowers, junkballers, no-control Nuke LaLooshes, lefties, righties, knuckleballers, sinkerballers, sidearmers, submariners, etc. A truly balanced lineup has no weaknesses, because somebody in that lineup can beat the guy on the mound, even if the majority of his teammates can't. That's why these guys are grouped together: to heighten the effect, or compensate for the fact someone might be in a slump, while not missing a beat.

Therefore, be creative. Balance the 4 factors. Want more power? Take it away somewhere else. Want less power? Add it somewhere else. Just make sure your lineup, overall, has the ability to do it all. You don't want any powerless guys, you don't want more than 2 "i can't steal a base no matter what" guys, and you don't want ANY free swingers. And you don't want any swing-and-miss types in the top third of your order. Everything else is negotiable.

***PRINCIPLE #8: THE POINTS TO PRESS TO SCORE 1,000 RUNS
The keys are really simple: 1) Lots of doubles. 2) High stolen base%, fewer than 120 team SB. 3) Make your homers count. Avoid solo shots. 4) Play smallball when you're not scoring. 5) Avoid double plays.

Those 5 things combined = 1,000 runs.

***So here's the best lineup ever
This lineup will score more runs than every All Star Team ever assembled. And, I was actually able to pick guys who have good defense while concocting this. And while this may be, at times, an All-Star Team, it's not the names you might ordinarily pick if you were asked to pick the best player at every position in baseball and put them into a lineup. I'm biased towards Yankees, but this is what you'd look for in a lineup that will be good for years to come (IE i focused on young players):

2B Brian Roberts
SS Derek Jeter
C Joe Mauer
3B Alex Rodriguez
1B Ryan Howard
LF Raul Ibanez
DH Jonny Gomes
CF Melky Cabrera
RF Mark Kotsay

This lineup will score runs against all kinds of pitchers, in all kinds of situations. 1,000 runs, in the bank, guaranteed.

And just think. That's only hitting. You've still got to put together a pitching staff, a bench, and have good team defense!

The Great Depression All Over Again: Garnett and Gagne to Boston

Well folks, I know exactly what you must be thinking...where has Jack Bauer been in the past couple of weeks? It is a very fair question and one that I must ultimately address to stop the rumors from circulating. One rumor, for example, is that I drank scotch for days after finding out that Kevin Garnett was being traded to the Boston Celtics. That is not true at all. It was beer, not scotch.

Another rumor is that after hearing on the radio about Eric Gagne being traded to the Red Sox (and not the Yankees), I drove my car off a cliff while angrily screaming "I HAAAAAAAATE THOSSSSEEE BASTARDDDDDDDDS!" Not true either. Jack Bauer would never destroy his car (or his life for that matter) because of Eric freaking Gagne.

Here's the truth, the Garnett trade obviously was a big blow to any Knick fan. As I pointed out in my "Draft Reactions" post in June, the Ray Allen trade was "a bad move for Boston unless there is a KG trade brewing for Jefferson, Ratliff, and change." As much as I didn't want to believe that Boston would still have the pieces to make that move, I knew it was still possible because of how much of a dumbass Kevin McHale is and the fact that Boston still had Rafliff's big expiring contract to make a deal happen.

That expiring contract, believe it or not, was why I told my brother on draft night (upon realizing that Ratliff wasn't involved in the Ray Allen trade) that Boston could still get Garnett hypothetically. On Monday night, it became real, very real.

Here's the deal, Boston now has a legitimate franchise player in Garnett. Pierce and Ray Allen are all-stars, not franchise guys. A franchise player is a player that will give you a chance to win a game no matter who else is on the floor. Garnett does precisely that.

Depth won't be an issue because Boston has suddenly become a desirable city for NBA free agents. Eddie House was signed by the Celtics yesterday and will give them a nice scoring punch off the bench. 100 year old Dikembe Mutombo might be the next free agent to sign with them. Despite the fact that Dikembe is an AARP cardholder, Mutombo is still a solid rebounder and shot-blocker.

Say what you want, but this was a risk the Celtics had to take. This is why you endure years of losing and rebuilding, to have a shot like this. Garnett, Pierce, and Allen are all unselfish stars who immediately make the Celtics a contender. Can Boston win a championship this year? Yes, they can. I don't think they will because I still believe that the Spurs are a better team and I also think that a healthy Heat team would beat them, but you never know with the NBA. Who knows, maybe Boston doesn't run into either of those teams in next year's playoffs, allowing them to win it all. I don't have to even mention how big of a factor injuries can play.

The point is, the Celtics are going to be good this season, really good. This affects the Knicks big-time because there is now one less playoff spot available. If you remember my Ron Artest article, I pointed out that there was a very realistic chance the Knicks could still miss the playoffs this season because of how much the East is improving and how unproven the Knicks still are. With the Garnett trade, the Celtics are guaranteed a playoff spot (unlike before the trade) which means that there is one less playoff spot up for grabs in the East.

Don't you just love the Zach Randolph trade even more right now? I'd expect Isiah to make another offer for Ron Artest right about now.

I don't even want to dwell too much on my last point. I'd rather not talk about how much it will hurt to see a warrior and competitor like Kevin Garnett wear a Celtics uniform, and not a Knicks uniform. At the same time, its bittersweet because I've wanted to see Garnett in a winning situation for a long time.

With all that said about the Garnett trade, I do want to briefly touch on the Gagne trade.

I'm not a big Gagne fan, really. I've always thought he is overrated. Still, I thought we could at least use him instead of Kyle Farnsworth. I laughed at the notion that the Red Sox were attempting to get Gagne (just like I laughed at the Rangers wanting Phillip Hughes in a potential Gagne trade). I really didn't see what use Boston had for him and I still don't. However, seeing the Red Sox actually trade for him to cockblock us made me think about how pathetic and desperate the Red Sox truly are.

The Red Sox play the part of the fat ass loser that happens to be best friends with the girl (Eric Gagne) you have a crush on. While you (Yankees) have a legitimate shot to get with this girl (because the girl also happens to like you too), the friend knows he has no chance and has been given the "just friends" speech from the girl, but still tries to do anything he can to get with her. Even though the guy should just back off, he actually does whatever he can do to prevent the girl from being with you (breaking a man law in the process).

And of course, you (the Yankees) want to beat the shit out of the girl's friend (Red Sox).

Ultimately, you don't get the girl because that son of a bitch friend of hers does just enough to keep her as a friend while turning her against you. Although that guy won't get any from her (an inefficient solution) like you would have (efficient solution), he effectively prevented you from the right solution.

See, the Red Sox are exactly like that loser. They don't really have anything to gain from the girl (Gagne) except maybe some friendship. However, they did whatever they could to prevent the efficient outcome, the Yankees getting some much needed service in the bullpen (insert "thats what she said joke" here).

The perfect cockblock by the Red Sox. Well played Boston. So, who is the Evil Empire now fuckers?