Getting hard-ons for the wrong people

The nostalgia orgasms that writers have this time of year when discussing Jack Morris's candidacy just kill B.A. every time. One of the latest periodical hard-ons belongs to Jon Heyman. Here's what this guy has to say about the great Jack Morris:

2. Jack Morris. The ace of three World Series teams, it's an abomination he may never get in. Morris made 14 Opening Day starts, tied with Steve Carlton, Randy Johnson, Walter Johnson and Cy Young, behind only Tom Seaver's 16 (the others already are or will be in Cooperstown). Also pitched the greatest game of the past 25 years, winning Game 7 of the 1991 World Series 1-0 in 10 innings against a young John Smoltz. The only two reasons I can think of for him not making it are: 1) he got hit hard his final couple years and finished with a 3.90 ERA, and 2) he was no charmer. Neither is a good enough reason to omit him. His impact was great.

An abomination? Really? First of all, in my opinion, the ace of a staff is the guy who was clearly better than everyone else in the rotation. So, no, Jack Morris was NOT the ace of 3 World Series Championship teams. Dan Petry had just as good if not a better season than Jack Morris did on the 1984 Tigers.

Jack Morris (1984)
240.1 innings pitched
1.282 WHIP
109 ERA+
148 K
87 BB

Dan Petry (1984)
233.3 innings pitched
1.273 WHIP
121 ERA+
144 K
66 BB

He didn't have the best season on the 1991 Twins, either. Kevin Tapani put up a 143 ERA+ and a 1.086 WHIP. To be fair, he probably just got very lucky that year, as he never had another season like it, and was not overpowering at all. However, Morris had been a below average pitcher every season since 1987 leading up to 1991, so Morris very well could have gotten lucky, too. In 1992, he wasn't even close to being the best pitcher in his rotation. Jimmy Key was. ERA+ of 116 versus 102, WHIP of 1.218 versus 1.255.

But, that shit doesn't matter. Because Morris was clutch...he was an amazing postseason force. God forbid Jack Morris was the opposing pitcher in a postseason game...

Jack Morris (postseason)
92.1 innings pitched
3.80 ERA (3.90 career regular season)
1.246 WHIP (1.296 career regular season)

Just because he was the guy that started in that amazing 1-0 win in Game 7 of the 1991 World Series doesn't mean he should get a ticket into Cooperstown. Should Bobby Jones be a Hall of Famer because of his 1-hitter against the Giants in 2000? Or how about we give Jeff Weaver a plaque for his 2006 postseason?

I exaggerate, but you see the point. Morris was a pretty good pitcher for a number of years, but he was not dominant and like it or not bad seasons count, too. As do the postseason games in which he pitched badly (see 1987 ALCS Game 2).

Funny I mention that game. The guy who beat him in that game unfortunately just doesn't get Heyman wet.

I still am unconvinced that he [Blyleven] deserves enshrinement. But I do think he deserves an explanation.

Blyleven did some great things in his career, and he pitched a lot of dominating games. Yet he never had a truly dominating season. He threw 60 shutouts -- but won 20 games only once in an era when 20-game winners weren't nearly so rare as they are today.

1973: 158 ERA+, 1.117 WHIP
1974: 142 ERA+, 1.142 WHIP
1977: 151 ERA+, 1.065 WHIP
1984: 144 ERA+, 1.135 WHIP
1989: 140 ERA+, 1.116 WHIP

Times in Top 5 for ERA+: 6
Times in Top 5 for WHIP: 7
Times in Top 5 for K/9 IP: 9

Times Jack Morris has had a season equal to or better than years listed above: 0

Bert was no match for Jacky-boy in the postseason though...

Bert Blyleven (postseason)
47.1 innings pitched
2.47 ERA
1.078 WHIP

But really, "he was rarely among the ultra-elite in his 22-year career."

Seriously, this is like getting a hard-on for Julia Roberts wearing a maternity outfit, but just nodding and turning away from Jessica Alba naked. One is clearly way better than the other, but you go for the lesser chick...and yet the reasons for which you claim to like her more are reasons the other chick is better. This must be Jon Heyman logic. I guess in 2006 Barry Zito gave him a banana crotch but Brandon Webb made him soft.

Providing Isiah Thomas with the support he deserves

Jack Bauer and I were present at tonight's disaster at the world's most famous arena and contributed to the euphonious "FIRE ISIAH!!!" chants that erupted relentlessly throughout the entire 4th quarter. However, I felt slightly bad at how poor little Isiah was getting his feelings hurt, so I decided to try and make some small talk from section 310.

"Hey Isiah! Harass any women lately?!"

Douchebag didn't bother to dignify that with an answer. Fag.

And so far he hasn't taken Jack Bauer's advice either...

"Hey Isiah! Get Keith Van Horn back!!!!"

Jack Bauer was actually supporting Isiah, with votes of confidence such as "YOU RULE ISIAH!!!" Having felt some compassion for the sexual harasser/proud owner of the quote "If Larry Bird were black, he'd just be another good guy"/guy who doesn't think it's as bad for black people to call women "bitches", I decided to vouch for Isiah to Jimmy D by exclaiming "GIVE HIM AN EXTENSION!!!"

If Knick tickets weren't so fucking expensive, I'd be doing this every home game. Seriously, this is almost as fun as it would have been to be at the LJ 4 pt play game or "the dunk" game courtesy of John Starks. We need him back. Starks is amazing. He is Zeus's bitch. His penis is more powerful than a tactical nuclear weapon. Just like David Lee.

Jack Bauer: Did somebody say David Lee?
B.A. Baracus: Jack, calm down...don't you have the whole Tony Almeida being alive to worry about this season?
Jack Bauer: Don't you have to whole being unemployed and making no money since the A-Team went off the air 20 years ago thing to worry about?
B.A. Baracus: ..........touche!

Anyway, please, continue what we started tonight. Give Isiah our support...by asking how his sex life is going? Get his mind off basketball. Ask him how his bitches are doing. Tell him to remind us about how tough it was to grow up on the streets of Chicago. Ask him about how Game 5 of the '87 Eastern Conference finals turned out or what he thinks of Larry Bird. Most of all, show him that you care about him.......getting his motherfucking ass fired.

Oh, and James Dolan's band sucks. True story.

B.A.'s gonna have to choke a bitch

"According to multiple reports, the Yankees will go forward by offering right-hander Phil Hughes to Minnesota in a possible deal, hoping to bring Santana to the Bronx and give New York the true No. 1 pitcher it covets."

What...the fuck....ARE YOU IDIOTS THINKING???

How many times am I going to have to tell this to people or write about this? WE DO NOT FUCKING NEED JOHAN SANTANA BADLY ENOUGH TO GIVE UP PHIL HUGHES AND MELKY CABRERA.

Phil Hughes is going to be an excellent pitcher. He was forced to work with less than his best stuff for a lot of the year and really learned how to pitch. It paid off by the end of the year as he had a 2.73 ERA, 1.18 WHIP in 30 innings in September, as well as a very good series against the Indians, allowing just one run in 6 innings with 6 strikeouts. He has a great fastball which touches 93-95 and looks even faster, fantastic 12-to-6 curve, and an above average changeup. He has great stuff. He showed it in the minors, and he showed he can do it in the big leagues, too. And he only turned 21 this past June. Johan Santana is 8 years older than Hughes, has a lot of mileage on his arm, and could very well not be able to throw the number of innings he has in the past. And we're going to have to pay him $25 mil/year to do so while giving up valuable pieces to what could be an excellent Yankees team with great staying power in maybe as little as 2 seasons.

I've already proven that Melky Cabrera is much more valuable to the Yankees than a Torii Hunter or Aaron Rowand. Young, great arm, plays a good center field, good contact hitter with effective leadoff hitter potential over old, overrated defense, and career years in walk years. Although it would not cost money, Johnny Damon being put back in center and Hideki Matsui playing left field everyday sucks like Sex and the City. Although his zone rating was good last year in center (.928), Damon's just too old and fragile to handle the position anymore. Not to mention his arm just absolutely blows impotent cock like Sex and the City actresses with the pun most certainly intended and is meant for left field. All of this can basically be said about Matsui, also. His knees are question marks and will be better off getting lots of time at DH.

There is no need to make a huge splash with Santana...for now. Get him in free agency or in a trade deadline deal.

Why do I have to be a fugitive? I should be runnin' the Yanks, foo!

What I would do with the New York Mets

This franchise is in a bit of a mess here right now. Stuck with a bunch of vets past their primes. Since it's fun to fool around with a team you have no emotional ties to, here's what I would do in an attempt to fix the New York Mets.

STARTING PITCHING
Problems are numerous in this area. Glavine was the only Met to get to 200 innings pitched this year. Oliver Perez and John Maine were pretty effective, but these guys are not front of the rotation pitchers. And Maine having never thrown a full season caught up to him in the second half. They're going to need to replace Glavine. And you cannot expect El Duque to keep getting people out. He's older than Fidel Castro. So here's what I do.

1. Sign Carlos Silva.
He's not great. Hard to say how well he'll do because he pitches to contact, isn't a big groundball pitcher, so he has a small margin for error. However, he's 29, will pitch around 200 innings and won't walk people. He gives up home runs, but at Shea you can knock down the number of gopher balls he'll give up. He usually gives up 20-25, so making half of his starts at Shea that could go down to about 15-20.

2. Trade for Cliff Lee if the deal is reasonable.
He still has some upside, and the Indians are apparently thinking of shipping him off. Lee going to the Yankees was a possibility but it would be at a high cost considering the fact that the Yankees are contenders. It's not the same situation for the Mets. They might get him cheap. If possible, try to trade Ruben Gotay (to play second base platoon with Cabrera, which could work well seeing as they are both switch hitters who have different natural sides) and Carlos Gomez (who they might see as a better option than 41 year old Kenny Lofton). If they want more, then fuck that.

So now the Mets rotation is:
SP Oliver Perez
SP Carlos Silva
SP John Maine
SP Pedro Martinez
SP Cliff Lee

Not great, but it'll do for now as the Mets can try to make a pitch for Santana in the 2008-2009 offseason. There really is no clear cut number one starter here, but of all of them, I'd put Perez one because he's the best of this group. Silva will pitch a good number of innings and they will likely be pretty effective, so he'll fill the two slot. Maine is a number 3 starter anyway, so this should be a good role for him. Pedro Martinez will probably be one of the best #4 starters in baseball. He's a six inning pitcher at this stage in his career, maybe get seven innings out of him if he has an extra day or two rest. Every once in a while you can have Duque start in his scheduled spot to give him that extra time. With Lee in the #5 slot, you don't have a whole lot to lose, and a fair amount to gain. If he sucks, put him in the bullpen and give Pelfrey another shot.

BULLPEN
This was a pretty big cause for concern this year. So here's what I do.

1. Sign David Riske
He's always been fairly reliable and just about anything is better than Guillermo Mota.

2. Sign Scott Linebrink
Another solid bullpen vet. Sign both Linebrink and Riske, then Heilman becomes expendable.

SECOND BASE
I would sign Tadahito Iguchi. Nevermind David Eckstein. Eckstein's been getting hurt a fair amount the past couple seasons and he would have to switch positions, not to mention Eckstein plain and simply just doesn't help the Mets. Iguchi has enough power to hit around 14-17 homers. He can hit around .275-.280 and OBP about .350, which is pretty solid. Defensively, he's not Robinson Cano or Aaron Hill, but he's decent. Try him for like 3 years, $15. AT THE ABSOLUTE MOST, $24 million. If he wants more than $8 million a year, then just re-sign Castillo. Castillo's defense is lesser and he has a good deal less power, but he can hit around .300 and OBP .370-.375. If the Mets re-sign Castillo, then I'd bat him leadoff and stick Reyes in the 2-slot.

FIRST BASE
Stuck with Carlos Delgado for now. He's turning 36 next year, and his prime's obviously behind him. However, you can still expect 25 homers out of him. There really isn't anything available aside from a trade for Mark Teixeira, and frankly the Mets don't have anything they can give up for him, especially considering the fact that as division rivals, the Braves would demand a lot.

CATCHER
Torrealba was the Mets' target, but that deal went into the toilet. Not necessarily the worst thing in the world, he's terrible. There's nothing out there now that Posada's back where he belongs. Since just about anything other than Barajas is better than Lo Duca, the Mets could try to work out a deal with Michael Barrett. I know, not great, but there's nothing else out there, unless you want Rod Barajas's career .288 OBP. Barrett's had several years of hitting 16 homers (and not simply due to Wrigley, he has legit power). He's been bad throwing runners out the past two seasons and overall for his career he's about 23% successful, but Lo Duca wasn't exactly much better this past season, and Barrett's going to provide a good deal more on offense than Lo Duca would. You could also give Lieberthal a chance, too if you'd like.

RIGHT FIELD
Decline Shawn Green's option. Just let Milledge play right field for now. I hate the guy, but he's put up solid minor league numbers at a young age, and he had a decent run with this Mets this year (.786 OPS). He'll do what Shawn Green could or probably better, and Green would cost about 20 times as much. Save the money, then when Pedro's contract's up at the end of the year, there'll be a good amount of money for the Mets to try and land Santana. The Yankees now have A-Rod back for the $275 million deal, so the Yankees might be less willing to spill another ton of money into signing Santana, especially if the Wang-Hughes-Kennedy-Chamberlain rotation turns out well.

So there's my attempt at fixing the New York Mets up a little bit. My main goal for the Mets here is to try and stay somewhat competitive while shredding some salary. Dump Shawn Green, sign either Iguchi or Castillo who are both pretty good players and hopefully won't cost too much, sign Barrett or Lieberthal for a short-term deal (Lieberthal might be more likely for a short deal), sign Silva (a pretty good AL starter who will probably be very good in the NL), trade for Cliff Lee (since you're not really giving up anything important), sign Riske and Linebrink to pitch in the bullpen, etc. I think this will keep the team somewhat competitive. Also, you don't make any retarded long-term signings and fuck yourself anymore. If you decline Green's option, there's $10 million freed up. After 2008, you're done with Pedro and Delgado (around $30 million). That's $40 million free in a year you can try to sign Santana. They might not be able to, which is not the end of the world, because they still have $40 million to play with. After 2009, you're done with Wagner (another $11 million). There's a lot of money to play with now. Plus, after 2008, you can try to trade Milledge (and hell, maybe even Reyes too) for some better pitching. Right now, the Mets should be looking to sign guys to deals no longer than 3 years and they should not be big name, high salary types. Then, you ride out the rest of these dead weight contracts to free up money. Then, SPEND IT WISELY for once.

Some projections for the Yankees, Part 2

3B Alex Rodriguez
Couldn't believe it when I saw that he was coming back, but he's back. I was totally willing to let Betemit play third all year. But hey, a guy who hit 54 home runs wants to come back? At what we'd originally offered? And without his agent? Great. So anyway, here's what I expect from A-Rod.

158 G 700 PA 592 AB 180 H 27 2B 0 3B 45 HR 91 BB 17 HBP 124 K .304/.411/.578

I don't see as many home runs obviously. But essentially I see the same type of year.

LF Johnny Damon
This is going to be an interesting one. Damon, first off, has to show up at spring training in better shape than he was in last year. He was banged up all the time, had to DH, and with the way he was hitting in the first half we would have been better off letting Pettitte and Wang take a few hacks. But anyway, if he shows up healthier, here's what I see out of Damon.

145 G 620 PA 555 AB 158 H 31 2B 1 3B 14 HR 62 BB 3 HBP 78 K .285/.360/.420

Basically 2006 with much less power.

CF Melky Cabrera
This will also be interesting to see. Melky was having a very good year until September rolled around and he went into an awful, automatic out type slump. Let's take a stab at this one.

150 G 620 PA 561 AB 162 H 30 2B 6 3B 9 HR 55 BB 4 HBP 66 K .289/.356/.412

Pretty reasonable. Hopefully in his prime he can be the .300/.360/.450 with 12-15 homers type of guy he shows flashes of.

RF Bobby Abreu
Glad he's back. I knocked him early in the season for looking like he doesn't care, but in all fairness, he looks like that all the time. Really the only knock on him is his fear of the wall. Anyway, despite his awful first two months which may have been due to the oblique strain in spring training, he had a solid year, and from June onward he was very Abreu-esque. So, here goes.

158 G 700 PA 609 AB 178 H 43 2B 2 3B 19 HR 91 BB 3 HBP 121 K .292/.387/.463

Bill James predicts 110 walks. That's a little high. I see 85-90.

Posada, Matsui, and Duncan to come.

OK seriously, Boston fans need to be shot

Red Sox fans are such fucking pieces of shit. They're not Red Sox fans. They're Yankee haters. Their enjoyment of sports is based purely on jealous, vindictive hate. Anyway, this waste of an internet page written by people whose "mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion" (words of the great George Carlin), links an article talking about how NEW YORK fans are classy because a Red Sox fan got assaulted in Yonkers after Angels-Red Sox ALDS Game 1. Of course, when you read the article, you find out that the two assailants were from PENNSYLVANIA and that they were only in NY for a construction job. Way to leave out important information you fucking New England smegma-devouring piece of shit.

Oh yeah, and Red Sox fans are certainly ones to talk about being classy. They don't derisively chant the opposing pitcher's name every single fucking time he gets into a jam. They don't start victory riots that kill girls because police had to fire a pellet gun. They don't throw bottles at cops and force the police to arrest almost 40 of them. No, they're classy, classy people. They also are very knowledgeable of the team and the game. They know their shortstop in 2004 was Nomahhhh. And Manny was always on the Red Sox, right? So was Schilling. Kevin Millar still plays first base, right?

And the players are very classy, too. They don't engage in excessive celebration. They don't show up the pitcher. They don't shoot their mouths off like little bitches.

I am willing to bet that most of these bandwagon faggots have no idea who their second baseman was last year. Mark Loretta?! Who the hell is that???!!! And Edgar Renteria?! WHO??!! Orlando Cabrera? Those guys were never Red Sox! Oh yeah, and Jeter swallows!!!! GAY-ROD!!! GAY-ROD!!! Yankees suck! Yankees suck!

That is about as intelligent as you'll see these Sox fans get. And while they like to talk about the Yankees being gay, Pedroia (who jumped into Big Floppy's arms and looked like he was ready to be humped) and Papsmear (who did Irish stepdancing in his fucking underwear on the middle of the baseball field) on the other hand are totally cool and awesome dudes. Let me see if I get this straight. Jeter, who bangs hot women like Jessica Biel and Jordana Brewster, is gay. A-Rod, who's married with a daughter, is gay. But Pedroia who goes for a cockride on David Ortiz after hitting a fence-scraping home run, and Papelbon who does Riverdance in his underwear, skin-tight underwear at that, in the middle of a baseball field, are awesome and amazing. OK, I just wanted to make sure I understand who's gay and why.

I don't think I'll ever be able to express in one post, or hell, in any finite number of posts, my hatred for the Boston Red Sox and their fans. So just expect these to keep coming every time I come across more of these third rate products of broken condoms.

A Steph in the Right Direction

How fitting that the above title was used in a New York Post article when the Knicks traded for Stephon Marbury in January 2004. Now, I'm using that same title for a different purpose. If you haven't heard yet, Isiah Thomas named Mardy Collins the starting point guard for tonight's game against the Phoenix Suns, prompting Stephon to bolt Phoenix and head home in what looks like the beginning of the end of the Marbury era.

No, I'm not making this up by the way....

How could anyone make this up?

To be fair to Steph, most of the blame is unfairly being put on him. He has been playing poorly, but so has Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry, and Quentin Richardson. Of course, Mr. Starbury isn't making things much easier by not showing up to practice and most likely missing tonight's game. A class act would go to the game and play hard off the bench to try to get that starting job back.

While Steph has been a great person off the court (try finding a player in the NBA who has done more recently than he has), he isn't exactly the type of person you would call classy. After all, his pickup line for a Knicks intern was "are you going to get in the truck?"

This was the right move for Isiah to make though. This team needs a PG that will play defense and do a good job of feeding the other scorers which Stephon can't do consistently. Can Mardy Collins become that player? Its too early to tell but it looks like he does have the defense part down already.

Well, with that said, I will be the first to say goodbye Steph. You weren't the player we thought you were going to be for this franchise but at least you made it entertaining with your famous interviews (damn you YouTube for taking those classics down).

Today it was Stephon. Could Isiah be the next one? God I hope so.

Tune it tomorrow for another episode of "As the Knicks Turn."