Big Floppy

As you can see by the look on my face, I don't like David Ortiz. Notice how last night, he was just smiling all the time and trying to look like a big lovable fat guy? It's a nice little guise but we all know he's selfish and full of himself. I talked to him myself about some questions I and reasonable people had about him:

B.A.: Hey, David, what did you think about the MVP voting last year?
Ortiz: It should have been me. You can't win MVP unless you hit 40 HR and drive in over 100. Derek Jeter shouldn't have gotten any votes. He didn't have to do it in my lineup. Let's see what he would have done in my lineup.
B.A.: Really? So by saying this, you basically admit that you said Jeter shouldn't win MVP?
Ortiz: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Tell Derek I'm sorry. I never said Jeter shouldn't be MVP. I just said that fat Dominican DHs who hit lots of HR and drive in lots of runs should be MVPs and that multiracial shortstops who don't hit lots of HR or drive in runs shouldn't be MVPs.
B.A.: OK, well Jeter actually OPS'd over 1.000 with runners in scoring position and you didn't, which is a better indicator of how well you do with runners on than RBIs, but let's drop that since it would be too easy to prove that you're wrong about pretty much everything you said. I want to ask you about something else. Can you clarify what you said about steroids?
Ortiz: Well, I don't think it helps you at all. It's eye-hand coordination. You still have to hit the ball.
B.A.: You're brilliant. I've never heard that before. But what I'm curious about are those protein shakes.
Ortiz: Well, actually they were cookies and cream milkshakes from Haagen Daas. That's my idea of protein. But yeah, I might have taken steroids. I'm not sure. I don't know what they put in those shakes. I drank them and suddenly I was 50 pounds heavier with Popeye muscle and balls started going really really far. I just don't know.
B.A.: Understandable. Could have happened to anybody. Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Rincon, and Guillermo Mota all got steroids from eating Fruit Loops, I heard.
Ortiz: Yeah, in fact, I'm not sure if I've done heroin either. I saw Manny had passed out in the clubhouse with a syringe in his forearm and I thought it was a vaccine. I decided to do it and it felt really really nice. I just don't know.
B.A.: Interesting.
Ortiz: Yeah, and I'm not sure if I've killed anyone either. I beat someone mercilessly this one time and he stopped moving and breathing. Then the coroner showed up, as well as Boston Police. But they didn't question me or anything. They just asked for autographs and for me to turn around and bare my ass so they could all kiss it. I don't know. I might have killed him.
B.A.: Any other crimes you might have committed?
Ortiz: That's all I can think of now.
B.A.: Lemme know when you think of any others, I do standup comedy.
Ortiz: You got it.
B.A.: Thanks.

Fuck David Ortiz. Fuck that whole team. Fuck Boston. Fuck Massachusetts. Fuck New England...and fuck everybody now that I think of it.

Artest is Next

After trading for one potential headache in Zach Randolph, it only makes sense that Isiah look to add another one. Here's the deal, adding Ron Artest actually makes sense... a ton of sense.

Stay with me on this one.

Yes, Artest may have instigated what has been the ugliest brawl in NBA history.

Yes, Artest doesn't seem to really give a shit about basketball.

Yes, Ronnie probably spends way too much time on his music career.

Yes, bringing Artest back home to NY might be a disaster.

Yes, Ronnie complained that he wasn't getting enough mug shots... I mean shots in Sacramento and he would be coming to a team which has several players that need the ball to be effective.

But, here's the thing, Ron fills several holes on this roster. He locks up the SF position, improves our perimeter defense (an area we really need help in), and gives the team offense at a position where we have no guys that can shoot the ball.

He is also available at a discount. There is a chance the Knicks could get him without giving up Lee (for the record, trading Lee for Artest would be terrible). A deal of Malik Rose and Nate Robinson would be ideal, but the Kings would most likely want someone like Balkman in there for Nate. As much as I like Renaldo Balkman, I'd trade him for Artest in a second. If Sacramento still needs another piece, Isiah can add young big man Randolph Morris to the offer. That is something the Kings would have to strongly consider.

From a Knicks standpoint, instead of praying that Quentin Richardson stays healthy, we could depend on Ron Artest and the stability that he brings to an NBA franchise......

Ok, cut that last part out.

It is a risk. I'll admit that. It could either make Isiah Thomas look like a genius (very hard to do) or get him fired (I wouldn't complain)....wait a minute, this sounds like a win-win situation!

With the Randolph trade, the Knicks are in a position where they have to be in the playoffs next season. Missing the playoffs next season would be truly devastating. Not only would it kill the trade value of our players (consequently preventing us from trading for a superstar), but it would truly show that we would have to rip this team apart again, which would be very difficult to do with the contracts on this roster.

The scary part is that even after adding Zach, the Knicks are by no means a lock for the playoffs. In fact, there is a very realistic possibility that the Knicks don't make the playoffs again.

Look at the teams in the East that made the playoffs last season:

1. Detroit
2. Cleveland
3. Toronto
4. Miami
5. Chicago
6. New Jersey
7. Washington
8. Orlando

I'm not trying to be pessimistic or anything, but there is a very realistic shot the Knicks don't make the playoffs next season in the improving Eastern Conference. Orlando just got better with Rashard Lewis and there is talk that they might go after Artest next (which would make them even better).

Washington will be strong next season unless they get killed with injuries.

The Nets still have Carter, Jefferson, and Kidd with a small chance of trading for Jermaine O'Neal.

If that isn't enough, Boston will be a lot better next season with Ray Allen and a healthy roster. Like the Knicks, they will also be fighting for a playoff spot.

Therefore, I say go out and get the crazy man. If it doesn't work out, he has a short and very reasonable contract. At the very least, Knicks fans would get some quality entertainment.

And would could be better than that...well, except for winning of course.

Red Sox due for Second Half Decline?

A 12 game deficit is big, but it’s been done before, and we saw earlier this season that a 14 game lead can be cut in half in just 2 weeks. And here are several reasons why (some might be wishful thinking to some extent, but I will not base my guesses on pure hope), in no particular order:

1. Mike Lowell never hits well in the second half. Every year he sucks after the All-Star break. 2006, 2005 (well, not relative to his first half, he just sucked that whole year), 2004, 2003…
2. Kevin Youkilis despite slugging .368 in June is STILL way above his PrOPS and is likely to continue regressing
3. I think Manny may finally be on the decline. He’s had bad starts before, but he’s never had the numbers he has this year at the All-Star break. He’ll finish with 28-30 HR, but that’s certainly sub-par for Manny. And it’s not like he’s been unlucky – his PrOPS is .879, and is currently at .862, a fairly insignificant difference. And let’s not forget, he’s 35. Not unusual to begin running out of gas at that age.
4. Dustin Pedroia is also way above his PrOPS. He’s pretty good, but he’s not a .320/.400/.450 hitter. Just by watching him you can tell he’s not THIS good. While he has a good eye, his swing is a long, ugly warhack and will get eaten alive by good pitching. I see him as more of a .280/.360/.400 kind of guy whose deviations will likely be slightly upward due to hitting in Fenway.
5. Maybe David Ortiz should have kept drinking those protein shakes that those sneaky Domincans in the GNC “might have” been filling with steroids. Or maybe he was smart to not take them because he realized 50+ homers don’t merit possible death after that irregular heartbeat last year. But whatever is going on, his power has been way down this year. THREE home runs in Fenway this year. 13 overall. And he also has been lucky, his PrOPS has him at .897 (it had him at almost 1.100 last year and 1.034 in 2005) and he’s currently at .970. Normally guys like him are below their PrOPS (like he has been the past couple years) because they’re slow, hit the ball hard a lot, have the shift on them, etc. unlike guys like Jeter who are usually above their PrOPS because they’re fast and have good bat control. Wade Boggs and Tony Gwynn probably would have had low PrOPS numbers (can’t look it up, numbers only go back to 2004). Back to Ortiz, he can’t hit lefties this year (0 HR, .326 SLG!!!), unless of course you bring in Mike Myers, who I would demote to sidearming bags of Cracker Jack as a vender if I had any authority. So, expect Big Floppy to start dropping.
6. Josh Beckett will decline, if he manages to avoid another blister, and has already begun to. His ERA has been climbing since his start against the Yankees. It’s up to 3.44. Fuck him and his stupid Win total. And let’s look at his last several starts. Against teams with pretty good offenses, like the Yankees, the Rockies, the Rangers, and even the Devil Rays who aren’t half-bad, he’s allowed 18 ER in 22.1 innings for 7.25 ERA and a WHIP of 1.881. Now, I don’t think he’ll get totally bombed, but I bet he has a 4.50 ERA, a lot more 5-6 inning, 3-4 run outings and fewer 7-8 inning, 1 run outings in the second half.
7. Papelbon is vulnerable to lefties and to his own shoulder crapping out like it did last year. His BAA lefties is lower than righties, but lefties for the most part seem to have better results. Going back to last year, Dioner Navarro homered off him. Giambi has hit him hard a couple times (long sac fly last year, long double to rightcenter this year). Travis Buck took him deep earlier this year. Abreu hit a 400+ ft flyout to center to end a game against him in April. Ramon Vasquez flew out to deep rightcenter against him. Carlos Peña (who also, I didn’t mention him in my All-Star post, but I will here, is more deserving of starting at 1B in the All-Star game than Ortiz is, .289/.389/.603 with 19 HR and he DOESN’T hit in Fenway…and, oh yeah, he actually IS a first baseman) homered off him the other night. He’s not invincible. And as I also mentioned, he could crap out again like he did last year around the 50-55 inning mark or so.

All of this stuff might not happen, just because this baseball season sucks and nothing seems to want to go right. However, the numbers show that there is reason to hope that things for the Red Sox begin to go into a downward spiral. Keep your fingers crossed.

Hey, everybody!!! More SNY fun! WEEEEEE!!!!

I've been inspired again by Gary Cohen. SNY is almost hilarious to watch. B.A. 'bout to tell you why. Here is more typical shit you can expect to hear when you watch broadcasts done by Gary Cohen.

New York Mets at Colorado Rockies
In the top of the first inning
Gary Cohen: Up steps David Wright, in to face Josh Fogg. And here's the pitch. Swung on and drilled deep to leftcenter field! Sullivan will look up, and IT'S OUTTA HERE!!!!!!! DAVID WRIGHT! His 15th home run of the year! Wow, David Wright is just absolutely incredible. And remember, they use the humidor here, now. It's not easy to hit home runs here, anymore. The dimensions are huge, too! And David Wright STILL hit it out. He carries quite a big stick. Pun intended, by the way.

In the bottom of the second inning
Gary Cohen: The pitch from Duque...and Hawpe drills one deep to right. Green is going back, at the track, at the wall, he will look up and it's outta here...2 run home run by Brad Hawpe. You know, I don't care about that humidor shit. The ball travels 9% further here than at sea level. It hasn't changed anything. It's still a big hitter's park. Fuck you, Brad Hawpe! I bet your stick is really tiny when you're not hitting in this ballpark!

Minnesota Twins at New York Mets on Monday, June 18
At some point in the game
Keith Hernandez: Aaron Heilman in to pitch the 8th inning here. Heilman's pitched fairly well, but he's been hurt by the longball. He's served up 5 homers, including the one to Posada last night.
Gary Cohen: Come on, that doesn't count! It was a Yankee Stadium home run!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Posada did hit it very hard and several rows back. And a 330 ft homer counts as much as a 520 ft homer.
Gary Cohen: No it doesn't! The Mets never give up any runs! And if they do it's never their fault! They should be undefeated!
Keith Hernandez: Well, the Mets have had their share of bad luck, but...to say that runs they give up are never their fault is a little much.
Gary Cohen: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S TRUE! Aaron Heilman's ERA is like -5.89! He has struck out 89 in 25 innings!
Keith Hernandez: That's not possible, unless Lo Duca had 14 passed balls on third strikes or-
Gary Cohen: NO! LO DUCA NEVER SCREWS UP! HE HAS 0 PASSED BALLS! IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Well, Heilman could have thrown 14 wild pitches that were swung and missed at for strike three-
Gary Cohen: NO! HE COULDN'T! HE'S AMAZING! IT'S THE UMPIRE'S FAULT!
Keith Hernandez: Dropped third strikes are the umpires' fault?
Gary Cohen: YES!
Keith Hernandez: Alright, Gary, I'm leaving. I'm going to go be misogynous to some women.
(Keith Hernandez leaves to go tell women they should all be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen cooking when they're not vacuuming or pleasuring him.)
Gary Cohen: Alright! He's gone! Time for some fun!
(Gary goes on iTunes and puts on "Meet the Mets" WFAN theme song)
Lyrics: Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs, green grass, all out at Shea! Guaranteed to have a heck of a dayyy!
Gary Cohen (simultaneously while dancing): Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Head for the park and greet the Mets! Hot dogs...mmmm, hot dogs...

Gary Cohen is the worst homer announcer of all time. His existence on this earth should be "OUTTA HERE!!!"

Baseball fans are retarded asshole-prick-dumbass-dipshit-morons

B.A. Baracus ‘bout to give you some more numbas foo!

Who would you guess should be the American League starting catcher from the following numbers? (I’m going to use traditional stats BA/OBA/SLG and HR because the average fan doesn’t know what OPS+ or eqA are)

a) .323/.384/.543, 14 HR
b) .336/.405/.525, 9 HR
c) .283/.296/.449, 8 HR

I’d say that either a) Victor Martinez or b) Jorge Posada would be good choices. They’re smacking the shit out of the ball and putting up awesome numbers for catchers. But, wait, c), Ivan Rodriguez, is getting the start? Him and his whopping total of 4 walks? What the fuck? Oh right, this is a retarded popularity contest, giving fans the chance to jerk off their favorite players regardless of their numbers. It’s like Little League awards at the end of the year. The administrator, who happens to be the father of a kid in the league, makes his son an All-Star, gives him League MVP, Gold Glove, and Cy Young Award for going 1 for 85 on the season, making 49 errors in 53 chances and boasting an ERA and WHIP of INF. Fuck those living-vicariously-through-his-fatass-son dads. To quote George Carlin:

Don’t give me that weak shit, “Well, I love my children!” FUCK you. Everybody loves their children. Doesn’t make you special.

Who would you guess should be the American League starting second baseman?

a) .326/.412/.454, 5 HR
b) .320/.396/.545, 9 HR
c) .323/.405/.452, 3 HR
d) .333/.381/.421, 2 HR

It looks as if a), b), and c) are certainly worthwhile choices. But nooooo, d) gets picked. Mr. Placido Polanco. All of the others, a) Brian Roberts, b) BJ Upton, and c) Dustin Pedroia are having better seasons than him. Although Upton is on the DL, this crap is seriously pissing me off.

Who would you guess should be the last of the three National League starting outfielders aside from Griffey and Bonds (hate him, but whatever, hitting over .300, OBA over .500 and slugging through the roof)?

a) .349/.397/.578, 13 HR
b) .312/.390/.478, 11 HR
c) .315/.368/.508, 13 HR
d) .340/.367/.571, 8 HR
e) .317/.388/.532, 11 HR
f) .296/.382/.523, 13 HR
g) .274/.350/.482, 14 HR

Wow, talk about a very strong NL outfield from a) to f). G) is ok. Not an all-star. While a) is the best, b), c), d), e) and f) are all very good to great numbers. But of course, g) gets picked. Wait, what? I picked g) as being the one guy that should NOT start. Why might you and I ask? It’s Carlos Beltran. Those Queens-dwelling asshole-morons voted that bum in to start over people who are actually having much better seasons such as a) Matt Holliday, b) Aaron Rowand, c) Eric Byrnes, d) Hunter Pence, e) Corey Hart, or f) Brad Hawpe. Pence and Hart only have around 250 PAs, but that’s enough as far as I’m concerned. If that pace (3.1 PAs per 162 games) is good enough to qualify for the batting title it should be good enough to qualify for All-Star Game starting spots.

Who would you guess should be the starting National League third baseman?

a) .329/.392/.585, 17 HR
b) .327/.416/.595, 13 HR (hurt for a while, but still 255 PAs)
c) .288/.377/.502, 14 HR

I’d say a) with b) as a distant but not too distant second simply because of the lesser playing time. But once again, the worst among these stats wins. Put another one on the board for the Met cocksucking weenies, who voted David Wright in over a) Miguel fucking Cabrera who is disgustingly amazing and b) Chipper Jones. Now, I like David Wright. I think he's very good and even think he is a little underappreciated by Mets fans relative to Reyes. But they all just voted like crazy for anybody wearing the ugly blue and orange. I hope Flushing, NY turns into an actual toilet and those fucks get washed deep down into a sewer filled with elephant dung and are forced to dwell there for the rest of their lives.

Also, B.A. knows that the All-Star Game in reality means nothing and the guys who don't make it probably wouldn't mind having the time off, but they could also really want to have the honor of saying "I was a Major League All-Star one year" or "I got to start in the Major League All-Star game one year." And who knows, they might never get another chance. So fuck you, you retarded jackass-fuckface-diarrhea-consuming-shitheads.

Orgasmic Edition of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: New York Mets versus Boston Red Sox, Part Two

B.A. brings you Part Two.

In the middle innings
Jon Miller: Hello, Sizzler? Bring me the Burettes seasoned steak, very rare, with a side of fat from all of the cleaned raw chicken?
Joe Morgan: (whispering to himself) With all this fat that he eats, I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (to himself) Wow, Joe Morgan is right, for once. I don't think Jon's ever seen his own dick either.
JonWang: I don't think Jon's ever seen me. That makes me sad. Oh wait, David Ortiz is leading off this inning! BOYOYOYOYOING!
Joe Morgan: Jon, what is Burettes seasoned steak?
Jon Miller: Burettes is French for testicles.
Joe Morgan: Delicioso.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: That's Spanish, you dumbass.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: But I think the raw chicken fat's bad for you.
Jon Miller: Typhoid fever and food poisoning can't keep a man like me from fully enjoying the life-shortening fatty substances. Besides, I like fevers because they give me an excuse to go to the doctor for rectal thermometer readings.
Guy on the Line from Sizzler: Alright, if you say so...
Jon Miller: Oh and by the way, got any bacon fat?

In the 9th inning
David Wright faces Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Miller: And...Dave...Wrightballs...in to face...Jonny...Pappyschlong...uhhh...
Joe Morgan: Are you alright there, Jon? You sound drunk.
Jon Miller: Alex Rodriguez said HA!
Joe Morgan: Huh?
Jon Miller: Man, Okajima's got a great Japanese ass.
Joe Morgan: Wow, Jon, you're not drunk. I think you're getting that fever stuff that you were talking about. I can feel your fever from over here. I'll do the play-by-play for you. (thinking to himself) HAHAHAHA! Papelbon's all MINE tonight! Share my ass...
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hey, can we get a crane to lift Jon out of this booth? The fever chills are shaking this entire ballpark because Jon Miller's weight has the same order of magnitude as the entire earth and because Fenway's a dilapidated hunk of crap.
(crane comes, lifts Jon Miller up, knocks over some lights in the process and kills a bunch of Red Sox fans, including Ben Affleck)
Random Hysterical Woman: OH MY GOD! HEEEEE'S DEAD!!!!!!
(back in the broadcaster's booth)
Joe Morgan: Alright, so here we go. It's David Wright versus Jonathan Papelbon. Here comes the pitch from the intense, amazing, very genitally blessed, handsome closer.
(David Wright smashes a 94 mph fastball over the Monster seats)
Joe Morgan: And David Wright absolutely puts a charge into this pitch to leftcenter. Nooo doubt about this one!
JoeSchlong: Man, he had me all ready for Papelbon and now I gotta try getting off to David Wright? He's too...normal and not annoying and actually good and probably to some degree underrated. I've gotten off to him before, but...that was against the Yankees. I can't get off to him at Pappy's expense! It's not right! Even I live by a moral code.
Joe Morgan: And oh man, look at this. Jonathan's lying on the mound...kicking like an infant! He's crying, too! And...oh my God, his uniform is totally soiled on the back with yellow streaks down the front of his pants!!! Oh, poor Jonny!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Looks like you're going to have a tough time with Papelbon tonight considering he's swimming in a pool of his own shit and piss.
Joe Morgan: Damn...
(Morgan leaves because he's depressed)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Alright, I guess this is my show now. (grabs mike and flicks switch so microphone input goes into PA system) BOSTON SUCKS, YOU FAGGOTS.
(Boston crowd erupts into a riot because they're all stupid fucks and everyone kills each other)
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I believe my work is done here. It may be time to go out on a high note and retire...NOT.

Oh what a night.

Anyway. Very happy to see Jack Bauer back in action on the blog. As everyone knows from watching 24, when Jack Bauer isn't fucking you up, he's analyzing basketball with insight the common Washington D.C. professional killer could never dream of. Be on the lookout for B.A. Baracus's rant about that pointless, who-jerks-off-to-you-the-most popularity contest known as All-Star voting very soon.