If I were MLB commissioner...

Several things I would do:

(a) rid MLB of steroids, HGH, and all sorts of illegal substances
(b) raise the mound
(c) put Questec in every ballpark and implement an instant replay challenge
(d) put an end to unnecessary showboating

Obviously, (a) is necessary. I would do (b) because I'm sick of ridiculous offense and double-digit run-scoring games. I would do (c) because I hate inconsistent strike zones and blown calls. I want umpires to be held accountable for being inconsistent and I also want teams to protect themselves from getting fucked by a terrible call.

Lastly, I would do (d) because it's really fucking annoying. When I see a guy do this, I feel like I'm watching a Little League game. What are you, 10? You're in the Major Leagues. It's a fucking privilege to play the game of baseball at the professional level and get paid shitloads for it. At the very least, be professional. I'm not saying you can't celebrate or show emotion, but don't do shit that shows up the pitcher. If you stand there and admire your home run, or flip your bat, or stand at home plate for 30 seconds like Manny did against K-Rod and Lewis the other night, you should be punished for it. Or if you strike somebody out, and you gesture/shout towards the other dugout or the guy you just K'd, then you should get punished. It's fine to pump your fist or yell "Yeah!" after a big strikeout or a big HR. I would try my best to act like it's not a huge deal, but you can get pumped up after that big K or HR without being a total douchebag. So here's what I would do for a hitter:

First time you do it, you get a warning.

Second time you do it, the guy batting behind you has to hit in an 0-1 count.

Here's why I do it that way. Hitting in an 0-1 count is a bit of a detriment for an obvious reason. But it's just one plate appearance. Typical everyday player gets 600 to 650 plate appearances. That is between 0.15 and 0.17% of all of your plate appearances throughout the year. So it obviously does nothing to a guy over the course of a season. However, it does piss your teammate off, as well as the rest of the team that you would rather indulge yourself in douchebaggianism than keep it to yourself for your team's own sake. Plus, it punishes the team a little bit and rightfully so. As a manager, you should drill professionalism into your players. A rule should help you do it. If you got a guy on your team that breaks the rule anyway, then as a manager you aren't doing a good enough job of keeping your players in order. Plus, the only time this could make a difference is in a close and late game. If Manny homers off Scot Shields in the 8th inning closing a 2 run game to a 1 run game, and he acts like a cocksucker and shows Shields up, then Mike Lowell has to hit with a strike on him. Let's say hypothetically that Shields historically owns Lowell, so hitting down 0-1 is detrimental to Lowell because in a fresh count he's already in a ditch. But aside from that, if your team has a huge lead or is getting killed, I don't think the 0-1 count rule would be the blame if you lose either type of game. If you blow the huge lead, blame it on the fact that your closer is Mike Myers. If you lose the blowout, blame it on the fact that your starter is Kei Igawa. Not the fact that ONE guy in your lineup had to hit in an 0-1 count. Because even if a guy hits a solo home run and that's your only bit of offense for that whole game, that affects 1 out of the 28 total plate appearances. That's 3.6%. If the other 96.4% can't do shit against opposing pitching, that's why you lost. And also, hitting in an 0-1 count is quite common even without the rule. Aaron Hill this year, for example, had to hit with an 0-1 count about 310 times (sac flies and sac hits not listed for these situations). So it's obviously not excessive punishment. However, it's a minor annoyance to the guy hitting behind you, and it will likely piss off some if not all of your teammates. And it will reflect badly on the manager. So it's a fair punishment in my opinion.

Third time you do it, you get a suspension with a fine that's proportional to your salary. And every time that you do it after that, the suspensions and fines are double the previous ones.

If you still do it after a warning and a punishment landing on your teammate, then obviously you need to face some sort of serious punishment.

For a pitcher, he must follow the same rules. However, the next batter gets to hit with a 1-0 count.

More rules I would implement to follow whenever I feel like posting them.