Imbecility at its best.
All three are considered experts. All three predict the Yankees to miss the postseason. Let's just look at Steve Henson, because he basically says the same thing the other idiots say.
Steve Henson
AL East Predictions
Boston Red Sox 96-66
NY Yankees 92-70
Toronto Blue Jays 86-76
Tampa Bay Rays 72-90
Baltimore Orioles 70-92
Description: Late March adventures in the Tokyo Dome and the L.A. Coliseum might cause the Red Sox to start slow, but this is one of the best rosters in recent memory. Better than the Yankees, who are counting heavily on young pitchers and aging position players, and the Blue Jays, whose team doctor should be MVP if they win the division. The Rays are improving but are still middle-school level to the Red Sox graduate students.
Time for a player comparisons at each position:
First Base: Kevin Youkilis vs. Jason Giambi
Yeah...great, you masturbate to Youkilis' .390 OBA, but he has weak power for a first baseman and he's 29. He's not going to get any better. He'll probably go .290/.390/.450 again this year. Jason Giambi, however, is in a contract year and he came back in shape. The last time Giambi came back from a very injury-prone season was for 2005, and he racked up 32 HR and a league-leading .440 OBA. If Giambi can do anything like that, he'll be much more valuable than Kevin Youkilis offensively. A healthy Giambi can pass at first base. Youkilis has Giambi in that, but it won't make up the offensive difference. Edge: Yankees
Second Base: Dustin Pedroia vs. Robinson Cano
There's no debate in this. Robinson Cano can bomb a ball further the other way than Pedroia can pull a ball with a hurricane behind it. Not to mention, Cano is much less influenced by ballpark (.866 home OPS vs. .816 road OPS) than that lilliputian stumpy sack of feces (.912 home OPS vs. .729 road OPS). And defensively, Cano is one of the best in the league (.846 ZR) and Pedroia is alright (.833). Edge: Yankees
Shortstop: Julio Lugo vs. Derek Jeter
Jeter was awful defensively last year, exacerbated by a knee injury, but he worked a lot on agility this year and he looks much better ranging to his left this year. So expect Jeter to shut up his defensive critics this season with a solid ZR. Lugo's alright defensively (.822 ZR), but nothing fantastic. Offensively, there's no contest. Lugo's a career .273/.334/.395 hitter, Jeter's a career .317/.388/.462 hitter. Edge: Yankees
Third Base: Mike Lowell vs. Alex Rodriguez
Here's all I have to say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA A-Rod in Yellowstone could outhit Mike Lowell in my backyard wiffle ball stadium. Edge: Yankees
Catcher: Jason Varitek vs. Jorge Posada
Even with Jorge Posada dropping off the way we all expect him to (probably to his typical career numbers of .277/.381/.479), he'll still be better than Varitek, whose 36 year old campaign has gotten off to a God-awful looking start. And please don't give me that shit about Varitek having these great intangibles that make the pitching staff better...Edge: Yankees
Left Field: Manny Ramirez vs. Johnny Damon
Looks like the Red Sox finally win a position. Manny Ramirez is 36 years old, and his days of .300+/.400+/.600+ are over, but he'll probably hit around what he did last year or a little better. Johnny Damon will probably hit around .285/.360/.420 like I predicted here
and Damon's defense isn't going to make up the difference. Edge: Red Sox
Center Field: Jacoby Ellsbury/Coco Crisp vs. Melky Cabrera
This is an interesting one. Jacoby Ellsbury is not Willie Mays like all of Red Sox Mastur-Bation thinks he is, but he'll be a serviceable centerfielder with a lot of speed. In AAA, he hit .298/.360/.380. He'll put up about a 1.5 K/BB ratio and hit for a solid average at the MLB-level, but he suffers from a big lack of power and overall, just doesn't hit the ball very hard when you watch him. Melky Cabrera's season didn't look all that great last year, but so far in his career, he's put up a 1.3 K/BB ratio, and over a 90 game stretch last year, boasted a line of .325/.372/.474 over a 90 game stretch from June through the beginning of September. I'm not naive enough to think he can put that up for a whole season (at least not yet), but I think Melky will put up the numbers I projected here. Overall, those hot streaks will get longer and those dry spells will shorten up. Edge: even
Right Field: JD Drew vs. Bobby Abreu
JD Drew will probably bounce back to some extent from last year. However, so will Bobby Abreu. Once he was healthy in June, he went .309/.396/.520 for the rest of the year. Overall, I think Abreu will be better than Drew, but I'll be generous and say it'll be pretty even. Edge: even
Designated Hitter: David Ortiz vs. Hideki Matsui
Don't need to do much analysis to figure out this one. Ortiz will outperform Matsui handily, but Matsui will still hit his 20-25 home runs and hit around .300/.370/.480. Edge: Red Sox
One of the best rosters in history? The Yankees have the Red Sox beat at all positions except Left Field and DH.
Ohhhh, right...that divine starting rotation and bullpen that can do no wrong...
Starting Rotation: Josh Beckett, Tim Wakefield, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Clay Buchholz
vs. Chien-Ming Wang, Andy Pettitte, Phil Hughes, Mike Mussina, Ian Kennedy
Is the Red Sox rotation really astronomically better than the Yankees rotation? Beckett went on the Jon Miller/Billy Joel bacon fat-red wine combo diet in the offseason and anyone who thinks he's going to duplicate last year is out of their minds. Tim Wakefield? He is a league average pitcher at best. Jon Lester is going to be 1999 Andy Pettitte. Daisuke Matsuzaka is going to be Johan Santana against bad teams, Kei Igawa against good teams. Clay Buchholz, by all accounts, looks to be very good, but like Joba Chamberlain, is going to be limited in his pitches and innings this year.
Chien-Ming Wang and Andy Pettitte will both put up 400+ innings of 4.00 ERA or better. Phil Hughes is healthy and even with much less than his best stuff last year put up a league average ERA. Mike Mussina is in better shape this year and his fastball is hitting 88-90, which is enough for him to put up 180 innings or so of about an average ERA. Ian Kennedy had a great spring, showing good command of his fastball and changeup. His breaking ball needs some work, but over the course of the season he'll get it right. I think he's going to have a very good rookie year. I don't think you can honestly say after going through the rotation pitcher by pitcher that the Red Sox are better. Yankees have 2 shoo-ins for 400+ solid innings, some great upside in the 3 and 5 slots, and average pitching from the 4 slot. Edge: Yankees
Bullpen
This is where it's fair to say that the Red Sox might have an edge, but not by much. It was one outing, but Papsmear showed he really does not have much of an arsenal. All he does is throw fastballs and an occasional splitter. Everyone knows what's coming. He is going to start getting hit more this year. Okajima is solid, but he came back to earth in the second half, so expect to see numbers close to his 2nd half as opposed to his 1st. Delcarmen's not that great, and even if he does repeat last year, he's only going to pitch around 45 innings. Timlin's solid but he's old. Javier Lopez isn't that good. Kyle Snyder sucks.
Mariano Rivera is 38, but he'll still be the very good to excellent closer that he is. Joba Chamberlain in the set-up role, at least for the beginning of the season, is going to be great. Ross Ohlendorf has good stuff. Who knows what the Yankees will get out of Bruney, Farnsworth, etc. but overall, the Yankees bullpen will be passable. Edge: Red Sox/even
Best roster in recent memory? How can you possibly say that you fucking jerkoff? The entire Yankees infield is way better than the Red Sox, the Yankees rotation is better. You braindead schmucks probably get a little too excited from watching the post-game shower scenes from the Red Sox locker room last October. Stick to Pedroia's David Ortiz porn and your right hand instead of writing turds like this when you want to gratify yourself.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thank God Joe Torre is gone
As you know from my posts from earlier in the season, I didn't like Torre as a manager. On the other hand, I love Joe Girardi. It feels good to have a manager who's intelligent.
Joe Torre is going to destroy the LA Dodgers this year. Let's prove it.
Who should be the starting left-fielder?
Choice #1
25 year old
.295/.357/.464
108 OPS+
.280 eqA
Choice #2
30 year old
.301/.348/.374
84 OPS+ (75 last year)
.256 eqA
Joe Torre: I like choice #2. No question. He's an old school type player, which I appreciate. He runs fast. He steals lots of bases. He's exciting, no question. He has experience. He does things the right way.
B.A.: So Juan Pierre's better than Andre Ethier?
Joe Torre: Yes.
B.A.: Man, are the Dodgers going to have some fun this year...and Scott Proctor's right arm will have to be amputated...
Joe Torre (brightly smiles): Scott Proctor's on my team???
B.A.: Oh God help us all...
Speaking of the bullpen, let's take a look at how well Torre has managed it from 2004 onward.
2004
Paul Quantrill - 86 appearances, 95.1 IP
EIGHTY SIX APPEARANCES. Jesus, I don't think even Jack took as bad a beating in China as Quantrill's arm did in Torre's bullpen.
Tom Gordon - 80 appearances, 89.2 IP
Two relievers with over 80 appearances. That's horrendous.
2005
Tom Gordon - 79 appearances, 80.2 IP
Hey, we're getting better!!!
2006
Scott Proctor - 83 appearances, 102.1 IP
Holy shitballs...
2007
Luis Vizcaino - 77 appearances, 75.1 IP
Scott Proctor (before Betemit trade) - 52 appearances, on pace for about 75-80 for full season
And this is just an indication of him overworking the bullpen...we could go all night talking about his timing and his bullpen choices.
Oh yeah...
Let's do another B.A. type analysis here. Who should be your starting third baseman?
Choice #1
24 year old
.295/.376/.525 in minors
.322/.400/.550 and .309/.399/.589 at AAA at ages 22-23
Choice #2
soon to be 35 year old
hasn't played over 120 games in 5 years
boasted an Ecksteinian .700 OPS last year
experienced
Joe Torre: Oh choice #2, no question. He's my third baseman. He's got experience. That's all that counts. He knows how to win. He plays the game the right way.
B.A.: So you like Nomar Garciappara as your starting third baseman as opposed to Andy LaRoche?
Joe Torre: No question. There's no question.
(Note: B.A. knows that LaRoche tore a ligament in his thumb and will be out until May. Torre was thinking this BEFORE the injury.)
Well, as far as Ned Colletti is concerned, I think there will be a question he'll be asking himself:
WHY AM I PAYING THIS MAN $13 MILLION OVER THE NEXT 3 YEARS?
Joe Torre is going to destroy the LA Dodgers this year. Let's prove it.
Who should be the starting left-fielder?
Choice #1
25 year old
.295/.357/.464
108 OPS+
.280 eqA
Choice #2
30 year old
.301/.348/.374
84 OPS+ (75 last year)
.256 eqA
Joe Torre: I like choice #2. No question. He's an old school type player, which I appreciate. He runs fast. He steals lots of bases. He's exciting, no question. He has experience. He does things the right way.
B.A.: So Juan Pierre's better than Andre Ethier?
Joe Torre: Yes.
B.A.: Man, are the Dodgers going to have some fun this year...and Scott Proctor's right arm will have to be amputated...
Joe Torre (brightly smiles): Scott Proctor's on my team???
B.A.: Oh God help us all...
Speaking of the bullpen, let's take a look at how well Torre has managed it from 2004 onward.
2004
Paul Quantrill - 86 appearances, 95.1 IP
EIGHTY SIX APPEARANCES. Jesus, I don't think even Jack took as bad a beating in China as Quantrill's arm did in Torre's bullpen.
Tom Gordon - 80 appearances, 89.2 IP
Two relievers with over 80 appearances. That's horrendous.
2005
Tom Gordon - 79 appearances, 80.2 IP
Hey, we're getting better!!!
2006
Scott Proctor - 83 appearances, 102.1 IP
Holy shitballs...
2007
Luis Vizcaino - 77 appearances, 75.1 IP
Scott Proctor (before Betemit trade) - 52 appearances, on pace for about 75-80 for full season
And this is just an indication of him overworking the bullpen...we could go all night talking about his timing and his bullpen choices.
Oh yeah...
Let's do another B.A. type analysis here. Who should be your starting third baseman?
Choice #1
24 year old
.295/.376/.525 in minors
.322/.400/.550 and .309/.399/.589 at AAA at ages 22-23
Choice #2
soon to be 35 year old
hasn't played over 120 games in 5 years
boasted an Ecksteinian .700 OPS last year
experienced
Joe Torre: Oh choice #2, no question. He's my third baseman. He's got experience. That's all that counts. He knows how to win. He plays the game the right way.
B.A.: So you like Nomar Garciappara as your starting third baseman as opposed to Andy LaRoche?
Joe Torre: No question. There's no question.
(Note: B.A. knows that LaRoche tore a ligament in his thumb and will be out until May. Torre was thinking this BEFORE the injury.)
Well, as far as Ned Colletti is concerned, I think there will be a question he'll be asking himself:
WHY AM I PAYING THIS MAN $13 MILLION OVER THE NEXT 3 YEARS?
Friday, March 21, 2008
Red Sox-Yankees!!! 2008!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
You might remember some of this stuff from the summer. However, I'm going to change it up a bit. Y'all are in for a real treat! In the booth, we have Joe Morgan, Tim McCarver, and Peter Gammons! And of course...Smart Stat Guy in the Back.
In the top of the first inning
Joe Morgan: Alright, let's get underway! Red Sox-Yankees at Yankee Stadium! Doesn't get any better than this. Leading off is Dustin Pedroia to face Andy Pettitte.
Tim McCarver: I don't think anyone embodies attitude of the Red Sox more than Dustin Pedroia. He's a little man, but he's huge at heart. The little, big man. He literally scrapes and claws his way to success, just like the Red Sox always do. He's an everyman, just like the rest of the team and all of their loyal fans.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (on the phone) Can I get the janitor in here right away? I just puked.
Joe Morgan: I couldn't agree with you more, Jon.
Tim McCarver: Tim.
Joe Morgan: Right. Thanks, Jon. What do you think, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Joe Morgan: My thoughts exactly, Peter.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Though it has been tough for Dustin, and the entire Red Sox team, since Jack Bauer, formerly of the Los Angeles CTU, was apparently bored with no terrorists to castrate and proceded to use the Green Monster and the John Hancock sign as bazooka target practice. The Red Sox have been forced to play in Yellowstone as their home field. The offense has suffered, particularly Dustin and his interstate batting and slugging average-
Joe Morgan: You be quiet! Anyway, here's the pitch...
(Pedroia loads up...his bat wrapped so far behind him it's over his front shoulder, then let's loose...with all his might...as Pettitte releases his cutter...)
Joe Morgan: And Dustin really gets a hold of one! Man, I didn't know such a little guy like him could have so much pop!
(It's a pop-up that A-Rod catches just in front of the Red Sox dugout.)
Bob Sheppard: (takes a swig of whiskey) Sorry, Dustin...those balls do not go out of play...at Yankee Stadium. And just to remind you...Fenway Park...is now gone. Sit down...you lilliputian...piece of shit.
(Pedroia cries for the first time, tonight.)
In the bottom of the first
Tim McCarver: Well, so far this inning. We've seen Damon flyout, Jeter double, and Abreu walk. You almost never see Josh Beckett in trouble. He's a tough man to fluster. He's got such a great fastball. He's got such a great beard. His hair is so well-kempt. He-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: has a huge penis...
Tim McCarver: How'd you know I was gonna say that?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hunch...
Joe Morgan: Wow, our stat guy here is quite bulimic, wouldn't you agree, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: What and What?!
Peter Gammons: Rob Neyer's a meanie for not voting for Jim Rice!
Joe Morgan: Why you can read minds, right? That means you're bulimic. You see I have an extensive vocabulary. You see, I learned that...in a book. Here's the 2-0 pitch to A-Rod...
(A-Rod sends Beckett's fastball to Burnside Avenue.)
Tim McCarver: And man, did A-Rod show some bulimia there! Beckett practically told him what was coming!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: It's actually fun to watch 3 idiots call a game. For a little while, that is....
Josh Beckett: Maybe I shouldn't have spent my entire offseason eating full racks of ribs and drinking Milwaukee's Best...
In the bottom of the second inning
Joe Morgan: And it looks like Josh Beckett's night is done. He's given up a grand slam to Derek Jeter, a three run homer to Robinson Cano, a two run homer to Melky Cabrera, and then a solo shot by Johnny Damon in this inning alone.
In the bottom of the second inning (1 hour later)
Tim McCarver: Well, Francona's calling for Javier Lopez, the last pitcher in his bullpen, to try and finish this inning. Robinson Cano has already hit three home runs this inning, Derek Jeter and A-Rod both have two, and Shelley Duncan has hit one of his own as well since Beckett's been pulled. There really isn't much to be said except that-
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
In the bottom of the second inning (2 hours later)
Joe Morgan: It looks like their right fielder is coming in to pitch. Who is that guy?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: JD Drew.
Joe Morgan: I've never heard of him. He's on the Red Sox? I always thought the Red Sox were Papelbon, Schilling, Beckett, DiceK, Manny, Papi, Pedroia, Varitek, Papelbon, Nomar, Pedro, Papelbon, Damon, Manny, Pedroia, and Papi.
Peter Gammons: And Jim Rice.
Joe Morgan: Oh yeah, him too. And Papi.
In the bottom of the second inning (3 hours later)
Tim McCarver: There's a groundball to Pedroia...it might FINALLY be over! The poor Red Sox may have FINALLY overcome the great odds that are always stacked against them. Now watch Pedroia overcome such a detrimental lack of size as he fields that heavy, heavy five ounce ball. Uh oh, he's bobbling, no he's got it! Now, here comes the throw! Oh look at him wind up for that 35 foot throw! And he launches it!
(Throw shorthops Youkilis who cannot scoop it, Giambi has reached base. The Yankees score again. Pedroia cries for the second time, tonight.)
In the top of the fifth inning
Joe Morgan: Well here's Mike Lowell, hoping to break up Pettitte's perfect game. Mike Lowell may only be hitting .062, but he's still an amazing hitter. And he's clutch. You can hit .300 and be bad. But if you hit .062 and you're clutch, I'll take you anyday. Here's the pitch.
(Lowell makes contact. Translation: Lowell hits a lazy flyball to left field. Damon camps under it and makes the catch.)
Mike Lowell: Theo, this wasn't a part of our deal! I can't be expected to hit well in a ballpark of normal dimensions!
Dustin Pedroia: I know, right?! It's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrrrrrr!!!
(Dustin cries for the third time, tonight.)
In the bottom of the fifth
Joe Morgan: Well, it's looking like there will be no bottom of the fifth inning. They're calling the mercy rule! The Yankees are leading by 3,000 runs, so they get to win. That's cheating in my opinion, not giving the Red Sox a chance to overcome the odds. Don't you agree, Tim?
Tim McCarver: I totally agree, Joe. The poor Red Sox are being robbed of a win against the Evil Umpire Yankees. What's your take, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I disagree.
Peter Gammons: Why???? Because he doesn't have a great OPS??? Because his stats aren't good enough??? Because he wasn't consistently dominant for a long enough time???
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ummmm...yeah.
Peter Gammons: You and Rob Neyer and...your stat stuff! I don't care that his career OPS is comparable to Ellis Burks! He was in the top 5 in MVP balloting 6 times!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: David Cone made the top 5 in Cy Young balloting 4 times and was 6th once. Is he a Hall of Famer?
Peter Gammons: No, never, no way. No chance in hell. His career ERA is only 3.46 and he only won 194 games in his career. He wasn't consistently dominant for long enough. His-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Stats aren't good enough? I thought you didn't care about stats?
Peter Gammons (stammering): Yeah, but...but...stats and OPS don't define Jimmy Ricecakes. He transcends all stats and numbers. He's a Hall of Famer. But he's never going to make it because of all you stat meanies! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I'm outta here. Time to go find that hot bartender for some more free drinks. I'd take the electric chair over listening to 2 idiots and Jim Rice's boyfriend.
In the top of the first inning
Joe Morgan: Alright, let's get underway! Red Sox-Yankees at Yankee Stadium! Doesn't get any better than this. Leading off is Dustin Pedroia to face Andy Pettitte.
Tim McCarver: I don't think anyone embodies attitude of the Red Sox more than Dustin Pedroia. He's a little man, but he's huge at heart. The little, big man. He literally scrapes and claws his way to success, just like the Red Sox always do. He's an everyman, just like the rest of the team and all of their loyal fans.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (on the phone) Can I get the janitor in here right away? I just puked.
Joe Morgan: I couldn't agree with you more, Jon.
Tim McCarver: Tim.
Joe Morgan: Right. Thanks, Jon. What do you think, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Joe Morgan: My thoughts exactly, Peter.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Though it has been tough for Dustin, and the entire Red Sox team, since Jack Bauer, formerly of the Los Angeles CTU, was apparently bored with no terrorists to castrate and proceded to use the Green Monster and the John Hancock sign as bazooka target practice. The Red Sox have been forced to play in Yellowstone as their home field. The offense has suffered, particularly Dustin and his interstate batting and slugging average-
Joe Morgan: You be quiet! Anyway, here's the pitch...
(Pedroia loads up...his bat wrapped so far behind him it's over his front shoulder, then let's loose...with all his might...as Pettitte releases his cutter...)
Joe Morgan: And Dustin really gets a hold of one! Man, I didn't know such a little guy like him could have so much pop!
(It's a pop-up that A-Rod catches just in front of the Red Sox dugout.)
Bob Sheppard: (takes a swig of whiskey) Sorry, Dustin...those balls do not go out of play...at Yankee Stadium. And just to remind you...Fenway Park...is now gone. Sit down...you lilliputian...piece of shit.
(Pedroia cries for the first time, tonight.)
In the bottom of the first
Tim McCarver: Well, so far this inning. We've seen Damon flyout, Jeter double, and Abreu walk. You almost never see Josh Beckett in trouble. He's a tough man to fluster. He's got such a great fastball. He's got such a great beard. His hair is so well-kempt. He-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: has a huge penis...
Tim McCarver: How'd you know I was gonna say that?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hunch...
Joe Morgan: Wow, our stat guy here is quite bulimic, wouldn't you agree, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: What and What?!
Peter Gammons: Rob Neyer's a meanie for not voting for Jim Rice!
Joe Morgan: Why you can read minds, right? That means you're bulimic. You see I have an extensive vocabulary. You see, I learned that...in a book. Here's the 2-0 pitch to A-Rod...
(A-Rod sends Beckett's fastball to Burnside Avenue.)
Tim McCarver: And man, did A-Rod show some bulimia there! Beckett practically told him what was coming!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: It's actually fun to watch 3 idiots call a game. For a little while, that is....
Josh Beckett: Maybe I shouldn't have spent my entire offseason eating full racks of ribs and drinking Milwaukee's Best...
In the bottom of the second inning
Joe Morgan: And it looks like Josh Beckett's night is done. He's given up a grand slam to Derek Jeter, a three run homer to Robinson Cano, a two run homer to Melky Cabrera, and then a solo shot by Johnny Damon in this inning alone.
In the bottom of the second inning (1 hour later)
Tim McCarver: Well, Francona's calling for Javier Lopez, the last pitcher in his bullpen, to try and finish this inning. Robinson Cano has already hit three home runs this inning, Derek Jeter and A-Rod both have two, and Shelley Duncan has hit one of his own as well since Beckett's been pulled. There really isn't much to be said except that-
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
In the bottom of the second inning (2 hours later)
Joe Morgan: It looks like their right fielder is coming in to pitch. Who is that guy?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: JD Drew.
Joe Morgan: I've never heard of him. He's on the Red Sox? I always thought the Red Sox were Papelbon, Schilling, Beckett, DiceK, Manny, Papi, Pedroia, Varitek, Papelbon, Nomar, Pedro, Papelbon, Damon, Manny, Pedroia, and Papi.
Peter Gammons: And Jim Rice.
Joe Morgan: Oh yeah, him too. And Papi.
In the bottom of the second inning (3 hours later)
Tim McCarver: There's a groundball to Pedroia...it might FINALLY be over! The poor Red Sox may have FINALLY overcome the great odds that are always stacked against them. Now watch Pedroia overcome such a detrimental lack of size as he fields that heavy, heavy five ounce ball. Uh oh, he's bobbling, no he's got it! Now, here comes the throw! Oh look at him wind up for that 35 foot throw! And he launches it!
(Throw shorthops Youkilis who cannot scoop it, Giambi has reached base. The Yankees score again. Pedroia cries for the second time, tonight.)
In the top of the fifth inning
Joe Morgan: Well here's Mike Lowell, hoping to break up Pettitte's perfect game. Mike Lowell may only be hitting .062, but he's still an amazing hitter. And he's clutch. You can hit .300 and be bad. But if you hit .062 and you're clutch, I'll take you anyday. Here's the pitch.
(Lowell makes contact. Translation: Lowell hits a lazy flyball to left field. Damon camps under it and makes the catch.)
Mike Lowell: Theo, this wasn't a part of our deal! I can't be expected to hit well in a ballpark of normal dimensions!
Dustin Pedroia: I know, right?! It's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrrrrrr!!!
(Dustin cries for the third time, tonight.)
In the bottom of the fifth
Joe Morgan: Well, it's looking like there will be no bottom of the fifth inning. They're calling the mercy rule! The Yankees are leading by 3,000 runs, so they get to win. That's cheating in my opinion, not giving the Red Sox a chance to overcome the odds. Don't you agree, Tim?
Tim McCarver: I totally agree, Joe. The poor Red Sox are being robbed of a win against the Evil Umpire Yankees. What's your take, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I disagree.
Peter Gammons: Why???? Because he doesn't have a great OPS??? Because his stats aren't good enough??? Because he wasn't consistently dominant for a long enough time???
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ummmm...yeah.
Peter Gammons: You and Rob Neyer and...your stat stuff! I don't care that his career OPS is comparable to Ellis Burks! He was in the top 5 in MVP balloting 6 times!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: David Cone made the top 5 in Cy Young balloting 4 times and was 6th once. Is he a Hall of Famer?
Peter Gammons: No, never, no way. No chance in hell. His career ERA is only 3.46 and he only won 194 games in his career. He wasn't consistently dominant for long enough. His-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Stats aren't good enough? I thought you didn't care about stats?
Peter Gammons (stammering): Yeah, but...but...stats and OPS don't define Jimmy Ricecakes. He transcends all stats and numbers. He's a Hall of Famer. But he's never going to make it because of all you stat meanies! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I'm outta here. Time to go find that hot bartender for some more free drinks. I'd take the electric chair over listening to 2 idiots and Jim Rice's boyfriend.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
More of B.A.'s wiseassin'
MESA, Ariz. – Second was always home for Alfonso Soriano. Only grudgingly did he give it up.
Now, the issue is second again. But this time it’s not about relinquishing his defensive position – which he did two years ago after much grumbling as a Washington National – it’s about sliding down in the Chicago Cubs’ batting order from first to second.
Well, if you're a fan of any team he plays for, you would prefer not to have a second baseman who' put up -41 FRAA and usually bottom of the league zone rating at second base.
As far as him moving from leadoff to second...it still sucks, but it's an improvement. Like going from dry heaves to actually puking. By batting a true leadoff hitter in front of him, he'd still be a waste, but at least some of those previously solo home runs would become 2 run homers.
“Every year it’s something,” Soriano said after three hitless at-bats from the two-hole Tuesday against the Kansas City Royals. “But the most important thing is that I love this game, and I’ll do whatever they say.”
In weaker moments Soriano has admitted he’d rather be leading off, and third baseman Aramis Ramirez might have been speaking on his teammate’s behalf when he reminded reporters, “We made the playoffs with him batting leadoff.”
And the 2000 Yankees won the World Series with David Cone's 6.91 ERA.
Manager Lou Piniella continues to wrestle with the move, which would entail bumping Ryan Theriot from second to leadoff. This is the same Piniella who greeted the long-term signing of Soriano before the 2007 season by saying, “We are talking about the best leadoff hitter in all of baseball.”
Piniella's quote was taken out of context. He prefaced that by saying, "In my opinion, leadoff hitters should have lots of power, swing at everything, and strike out all the time." As my teacher wrote for every problem she graded on my tests, "wrong but consistent".
Friday, March 7, 2008
Nothing like a collection of wiseass remarks
Hey Jack, looks like you'll have some work to do this year after all. What are you doing now that CTU is gone?
Anyway, I figure it's time to take a look around and see what stupid shit is being said as well as make a few observations. Batting leadoff:
When Brandon Inge talked last weekend about the challenge of hitting and catching, Ivan Rodriguez understood.
It's a hefty job, and after 17 Major League seasons, it's not any easier for Rodriguez. When he comes into camp in the shape that he's in at his age, that's just the start of his work.
Screw being in good shape. Remember when Pudge actually was pudgy? Back when he was a "junk-food" junkie?
1996-2004: .522 SLG
2005-2007: .434 SLG
If I'm Dave Dombrowski, I tell this guy, "Hey, get off the treadmill and go back to eating Big Macs."
After all the work behind the plate catching side sessions and learning pitchers and getting back into game mode, this, he says, is his time to start to focus each day on refining his swing.
You should focus each day on refining your not-swing.
2005: 11 BB in 504 AB
2006: 26 BB in 547 AB
2007: 9 BB in 502 AB
You don't have to be Kevin Youkilis and never swing at anything, but come on. Take some damn pitches.
The key for Rodriguez, certainly at the plate, will be his discipline.
That's more like it.
Now, time to check out what professional curmudgeon, Murray Chass, has to say.
The Yankees have made two major decisions since the end of last season that they could come to regret this season. Last October there was Joe Torre; more recently there was Johan Santana.
Ohhhhhhh boy...this sounds like it's going to be one of my favorites!
The Yankees fared so well in Torre’s dozen years as manager — 4 World Series titles, 6 American League pennants, 12 playoff appearances — most people came to believe that only he could manage the team to October.
Most people are morons.
1996-2001
Tino Martinez: 175 HR
Bernie Williams: OPS's of .926, .952, .997, .971, .957, .917
Paul O'Neill: .297 BA, 102 HR, 604 RBI
Derek Jeter: .321 BA, 99 HR, 135 SB (77% successful)
Andy Pettitte: ERA+s of 129, 155, 104, 101, 111, 112
David Cone (1997-1999): ERA+s of 159, 124, 137 and 9.18 K/9 IP
Mariano Rivera: 466.1 IP, 215 SV, 100% invincible
Are you telling me that a team with players of this caliber could only be managed by Joe Torre?
Torre’s greatest managerial attribute was his ability to manage his players, keeping them happy even if they were former everyday players who were reduced to utility roles.
I agree. Because aside from that, he doesn't get pitching. I also am beginning to wonder what he did to prepare the players in spring training the last few years. The Yankees have been getting off to bad starts the past few seasons. A fair amount of players have been slow out of the gate and then pick up later in the season. Now, this spring training, some players (Mike Mussina) have been talking about how they did more running in one day under Girardi than they did in all of some spring trainings. That strength and conditioning coach didn't know what the hell he was doing, but maybe the buck doesn't stop there...I don't know. I'm just speculating.
Joe Girardi has managed only one year, but in that year, 2006 with Florida, he demonstrated enough knowledge and ability that I believe he could have done at least as well as Torre. He might have done even better, because he would most likely have run the pitching staff more efficiently than Torre. It is unlikely that Girardi will overuse and wear out some of his relievers and ignore others the way Torre did.
Hey!!! There you go!
If there’s one element of the team that could undermine Girardi’s chances of winning, it’s the pitching, and that is where the decision not to pursue a Santana trade could create regrets.
Oh no you don't go.
Entering a brave new world, the Yankees this year are counting on young pitchers. The change in philosophy, advocated by General Manager Brian Cashman, is admirable, but is it completely smart?
I think so.
Maybe Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and Joba Chamberlain will become the reincarnation of Vic Raschi, Allie Reynolds and Eddie Lopat. But maybe they will be more reminiscent of Andy Hawkins, Dave LaPoint and Tim Leary, vintage 1990.
All three of these guys dominated the minor leagues. All three are number 1 picks. All three are now MLB-ready. Not at their primes, but ready to face MLB-hitters. All three cost nothing. What is the opportunity cost? Johan Santana. Yes, best pitcher in baseball. Blahblahblah. But the Twins wanted Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera. Two of our three number 1 draft picks who dominated the minors, and our centerfielder for the future. Oh I know what you're going to say..."But he's Johan Santana!!! And then you coulda signed Aaron Rowand or Torii Hunter!!!"
And let's see how much that would cost going at their current contracts...
Johan Santana: 6 years, $120 million
Aaron Rowand: 5 years, $60 million
Torii Hunter: 5 years, $90 million
Yeah, let's spend $38 million more a year and achieve marginal to no improvement.
Maybe they will be everything the Yankees expect them to be. Maybe they will all succeed from the start. But maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll stumble and sputter and need time to develop into consistent winners.
The point is, Hughes, Kennedy and Chamberlain don’t come with guarantees. Santana does.
Does he really? The guy is turning 29. Still young, but he had a bit of a downyear for him at age 28 last year, surrendering 33 HR. The guy will still be very good, but:
a) he costs a ton of money
b) while he'll still be very good, he's going to be able to dominate for fewer innings each year
c) just because he's had no injury trouble in the past does not mean he's not going to as he reaches his 30s
Had the Yankees sent Hughes to the Twins for Santana, it would not have been Scott Kazmir for Víctor Zambrano. Had the Yankees traded Hughes, they would still have had Kennedy and Chamberlain.
But they wanted more than just Hughes, you schmuck. The Twins wanted Kennedy, too. And Melky Cabrera.
My God...Santana's name now makes me nauseous. As a result, I'm going to go get drunk...perfect solution.
Anyway, I figure it's time to take a look around and see what stupid shit is being said as well as make a few observations. Batting leadoff:
When Brandon Inge talked last weekend about the challenge of hitting and catching, Ivan Rodriguez understood.
It's a hefty job, and after 17 Major League seasons, it's not any easier for Rodriguez. When he comes into camp in the shape that he's in at his age, that's just the start of his work.
Screw being in good shape. Remember when Pudge actually was pudgy? Back when he was a "junk-food" junkie?
1996-2004: .522 SLG
2005-2007: .434 SLG
If I'm Dave Dombrowski, I tell this guy, "Hey, get off the treadmill and go back to eating Big Macs."
After all the work behind the plate catching side sessions and learning pitchers and getting back into game mode, this, he says, is his time to start to focus each day on refining his swing.
You should focus each day on refining your not-swing.
2005: 11 BB in 504 AB
2006: 26 BB in 547 AB
2007: 9 BB in 502 AB
You don't have to be Kevin Youkilis and never swing at anything, but come on. Take some damn pitches.
The key for Rodriguez, certainly at the plate, will be his discipline.
That's more like it.
Now, time to check out what professional curmudgeon, Murray Chass, has to say.
The Yankees have made two major decisions since the end of last season that they could come to regret this season. Last October there was Joe Torre; more recently there was Johan Santana.
Ohhhhhhh boy...this sounds like it's going to be one of my favorites!
The Yankees fared so well in Torre’s dozen years as manager — 4 World Series titles, 6 American League pennants, 12 playoff appearances — most people came to believe that only he could manage the team to October.
Most people are morons.
1996-2001
Tino Martinez: 175 HR
Bernie Williams: OPS's of .926, .952, .997, .971, .957, .917
Paul O'Neill: .297 BA, 102 HR, 604 RBI
Derek Jeter: .321 BA, 99 HR, 135 SB (77% successful)
Andy Pettitte: ERA+s of 129, 155, 104, 101, 111, 112
David Cone (1997-1999): ERA+s of 159, 124, 137 and 9.18 K/9 IP
Mariano Rivera: 466.1 IP, 215 SV, 100% invincible
Are you telling me that a team with players of this caliber could only be managed by Joe Torre?
Torre’s greatest managerial attribute was his ability to manage his players, keeping them happy even if they were former everyday players who were reduced to utility roles.
I agree. Because aside from that, he doesn't get pitching. I also am beginning to wonder what he did to prepare the players in spring training the last few years. The Yankees have been getting off to bad starts the past few seasons. A fair amount of players have been slow out of the gate and then pick up later in the season. Now, this spring training, some players (Mike Mussina) have been talking about how they did more running in one day under Girardi than they did in all of some spring trainings. That strength and conditioning coach didn't know what the hell he was doing, but maybe the buck doesn't stop there...I don't know. I'm just speculating.
Joe Girardi has managed only one year, but in that year, 2006 with Florida, he demonstrated enough knowledge and ability that I believe he could have done at least as well as Torre. He might have done even better, because he would most likely have run the pitching staff more efficiently than Torre. It is unlikely that Girardi will overuse and wear out some of his relievers and ignore others the way Torre did.
Hey!!! There you go!
If there’s one element of the team that could undermine Girardi’s chances of winning, it’s the pitching, and that is where the decision not to pursue a Santana trade could create regrets.
Oh no you don't go.
Entering a brave new world, the Yankees this year are counting on young pitchers. The change in philosophy, advocated by General Manager Brian Cashman, is admirable, but is it completely smart?
I think so.
Maybe Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and Joba Chamberlain will become the reincarnation of Vic Raschi, Allie Reynolds and Eddie Lopat. But maybe they will be more reminiscent of Andy Hawkins, Dave LaPoint and Tim Leary, vintage 1990.
All three of these guys dominated the minor leagues. All three are number 1 picks. All three are now MLB-ready. Not at their primes, but ready to face MLB-hitters. All three cost nothing. What is the opportunity cost? Johan Santana. Yes, best pitcher in baseball. Blahblahblah. But the Twins wanted Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera. Two of our three number 1 draft picks who dominated the minors, and our centerfielder for the future. Oh I know what you're going to say..."But he's Johan Santana!!! And then you coulda signed Aaron Rowand or Torii Hunter!!!"
And let's see how much that would cost going at their current contracts...
Johan Santana: 6 years, $120 million
Aaron Rowand: 5 years, $60 million
Torii Hunter: 5 years, $90 million
Yeah, let's spend $38 million more a year and achieve marginal to no improvement.
Maybe they will be everything the Yankees expect them to be. Maybe they will all succeed from the start. But maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll stumble and sputter and need time to develop into consistent winners.
The point is, Hughes, Kennedy and Chamberlain don’t come with guarantees. Santana does.
Does he really? The guy is turning 29. Still young, but he had a bit of a downyear for him at age 28 last year, surrendering 33 HR. The guy will still be very good, but:
a) he costs a ton of money
b) while he'll still be very good, he's going to be able to dominate for fewer innings each year
c) just because he's had no injury trouble in the past does not mean he's not going to as he reaches his 30s
Had the Yankees sent Hughes to the Twins for Santana, it would not have been Scott Kazmir for Víctor Zambrano. Had the Yankees traded Hughes, they would still have had Kennedy and Chamberlain.
But they wanted more than just Hughes, you schmuck. The Twins wanted Kennedy, too. And Melky Cabrera.
My God...Santana's name now makes me nauseous. As a result, I'm going to go get drunk...perfect solution.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Francona Calls Pedroia a Moron! Exclusive Interview with the Moron Himself!
Well folks, with the 7th season of 24 being canceled, Jack Bauer now has some free time all of a sudden. In fact, the return of baseball has Jack Bauer excited and talking about something other than basketball for a change.
This morning, I happened to stumble upon this gem of a quote in the Boston Globe:
"I got a headache I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a moron. He looked a puppet on a string."
Anytime Dustin Pedroia is called a moron, it makes for some good comedy. When its Terry Francona calling his own player a moron...that's just gold.
Fortunately, I was able to sit down with Mr. Pedroia himself and get his thoughts about his manager's telling statement. Below is the interview in its entirety, enjoy.
Jack Bauer: So Dustin, your manager essentially calls you a douche bag, what do you make of this?
Dustin: Oh well, Terry was just joking. We're good friends. He would never say anything mean about me.
Jack Bauer: But Dustin, he called you a moron. Let me refresh your memory with this quote, he said "Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a...."
Dustin: Stop it!!! I know what he said!!! And I know that you know that I know what he said!!!
Jack Bauer: That makes no sense.
Dustin: Touché!!! But I know what you are trying to do Jack. What are you gonna do to me, torture me like you do to the terrorists who withhold information from you?
Jack Bauer: DAMMIT DUSTIN, I'M CONDUCTING THIS INTERVIEW AND YOU WILL STAY QUIET UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED A QUESTION!
*Dustin shits his pants*
Jack Bauer: Wow, that was too easy. *Jack Bauer calls B.A. Baracus and Douggy Bombs..* "Hey guys, Dustin might be more of a jackass than Papelbon is...."
Dustin: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
*2 hours pass and Dustin has finally stopped crying*
Jack Bauer: You ready to continue this interview?
Dustin: I'm always ready, just like I was ready to win rookie of the year and a World Series in my first year in the majors. I was ready to accomplish all of that despite my below average height...
Jack Bauer: I don't know if you play video games at all Dustin, but MLB 2K8 came out recently and they made you incredibly short in the game. I think they even have you listed at 4'11. I'm guessing its because of all the bitching you do about how short you are.
Dustin: Its because they want the game to be realistic, I'm a very short man that just happened to win rookie of the year and a World Series in his first year in the majors...
Jack Bauer: Yes, we know. You are listed at 5'9 though on the Red Sox website, isn't that around the average height of a man in the United States?
Dustin: Umm...nooooo, there is nothing average or big about me. I'm a very short baseball player who has overcome tremendous odds.
Jack Bauer: So you are saying that everything is small about Dustin Pedroia?
Dustin: Yes, you are finally getting it. There is nothing big about me....hey, wait a minute!
Jack Bauer: Dustin, despite your accolades, isn’t it suspicious that you only hit .282 on the road with an OPS of .729, as compared to a .351 average at Fenway with an OPS of .912? Could it be that you really just need Fenway to make you a decent player?
Dustin: I’m a very good player no matter what the circumstances are. I’ve had to overcome the odds and numbers don’t show that. How come nobody questions Derek Jeter about stuff like that?
Jack Bauer: Probably because Jeter's OPS last year was essentially identical both on the road and at home. Jeter also happened to hit .310 on the road. Of course, it could also be because Joe Torre never called him a moron.
Dustin: Stop saying that! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Jack Bauer: Wow, you really are a moron.
Calling out Derek Jeter proved how moronic Dustin Pedroia truly is. Everybody knows that if you are going to call out a Yankee, A-Rod is the obvious target...
This morning, I happened to stumble upon this gem of a quote in the Boston Globe:
"I got a headache I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a moron. He looked a puppet on a string."
Anytime Dustin Pedroia is called a moron, it makes for some good comedy. When its Terry Francona calling his own player a moron...that's just gold.
Fortunately, I was able to sit down with Mr. Pedroia himself and get his thoughts about his manager's telling statement. Below is the interview in its entirety, enjoy.
Jack Bauer: So Dustin, your manager essentially calls you a douche bag, what do you make of this?
Dustin: Oh well, Terry was just joking. We're good friends. He would never say anything mean about me.
Jack Bauer: But Dustin, he called you a moron. Let me refresh your memory with this quote, he said "Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a...."
Dustin: Stop it!!! I know what he said!!! And I know that you know that I know what he said!!!
Jack Bauer: That makes no sense.
Dustin: Touché!!! But I know what you are trying to do Jack. What are you gonna do to me, torture me like you do to the terrorists who withhold information from you?
Jack Bauer: DAMMIT DUSTIN, I'M CONDUCTING THIS INTERVIEW AND YOU WILL STAY QUIET UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED A QUESTION!
*Dustin shits his pants*
Jack Bauer: Wow, that was too easy. *Jack Bauer calls B.A. Baracus and Douggy Bombs..* "Hey guys, Dustin might be more of a jackass than Papelbon is...."
Dustin: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
*2 hours pass and Dustin has finally stopped crying*
Jack Bauer: You ready to continue this interview?
Dustin: I'm always ready, just like I was ready to win rookie of the year and a World Series in my first year in the majors. I was ready to accomplish all of that despite my below average height...
Jack Bauer: I don't know if you play video games at all Dustin, but MLB 2K8 came out recently and they made you incredibly short in the game. I think they even have you listed at 4'11. I'm guessing its because of all the bitching you do about how short you are.
Dustin: Its because they want the game to be realistic, I'm a very short man that just happened to win rookie of the year and a World Series in his first year in the majors...
Jack Bauer: Yes, we know. You are listed at 5'9 though on the Red Sox website, isn't that around the average height of a man in the United States?
Dustin: Umm...nooooo, there is nothing average or big about me. I'm a very short baseball player who has overcome tremendous odds.
Jack Bauer: So you are saying that everything is small about Dustin Pedroia?
Dustin: Yes, you are finally getting it. There is nothing big about me....hey, wait a minute!
Jack Bauer: Dustin, despite your accolades, isn’t it suspicious that you only hit .282 on the road with an OPS of .729, as compared to a .351 average at Fenway with an OPS of .912? Could it be that you really just need Fenway to make you a decent player?
Dustin: I’m a very good player no matter what the circumstances are. I’ve had to overcome the odds and numbers don’t show that. How come nobody questions Derek Jeter about stuff like that?
Jack Bauer: Probably because Jeter's OPS last year was essentially identical both on the road and at home. Jeter also happened to hit .310 on the road. Of course, it could also be because Joe Torre never called him a moron.
Dustin: Stop saying that! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Jack Bauer: Wow, you really are a moron.
Calling out Derek Jeter proved how moronic Dustin Pedroia truly is. Everybody knows that if you are going to call out a Yankee, A-Rod is the obvious target...
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