Francona Calls Pedroia a Moron! Exclusive Interview with the Moron Himself!

Well folks, with the 7th season of 24 being canceled, Jack Bauer now has some free time all of a sudden. In fact, the return of baseball has Jack Bauer excited and talking about something other than basketball for a change.

This morning, I happened to stumble upon this gem of a quote in the Boston Globe:

"I got a headache I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a moron. He looked a puppet on a string."

Anytime Dustin Pedroia is called a moron, it makes for some good comedy. When its Terry Francona calling his own player a moron...that's just gold.

Fortunately, I was able to sit down with Mr. Pedroia himself and get his thoughts about his manager's telling statement. Below is the interview in its entirety, enjoy.

Jack Bauer: So Dustin, your manager essentially calls you a douche bag, what do you make of this?

Dustin: Oh well, Terry was just joking. We're good friends. He would never say anything mean about me.

Jack Bauer: But Dustin, he called you a moron. Let me refresh your memory with this quote, he said "Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a...."

Dustin: Stop it!!! I know what he said!!! And I know that you know that I know what he said!!!

Jack Bauer: That makes no sense.

Dustin: Touché!!! But I know what you are trying to do Jack. What are you gonna do to me, torture me like you do to the terrorists who withhold information from you?

Jack Bauer: DAMMIT DUSTIN, I'M CONDUCTING THIS INTERVIEW AND YOU WILL STAY QUIET UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED A QUESTION!

*Dustin shits his pants*

Jack Bauer: Wow, that was too easy. *Jack Bauer calls B.A. Baracus and Douggy Bombs..* "Hey guys, Dustin might be more of a jackass than Papelbon is...."

Dustin: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!



*2 hours pass and Dustin has finally stopped crying*

Jack Bauer: You ready to continue this interview?

Dustin: I'm always ready, just like I was ready to win rookie of the year and a World Series in my first year in the majors. I was ready to accomplish all of that despite my below average height...

Jack Bauer: I don't know if you play video games at all Dustin, but MLB 2K8 came out recently and they made you incredibly short in the game. I think they even have you listed at 4'11. I'm guessing its because of all the bitching you do about how short you are.

Dustin: Its because they want the game to be realistic, I'm a very short man that just happened to win rookie of the year and a World Series in his first year in the majors...

Jack Bauer: Yes, we know. You are listed at 5'9 though on the Red Sox website, isn't that around the average height of a man in the United States?

Dustin: Umm...nooooo, there is nothing average or big about me. I'm a very short baseball player who has overcome tremendous odds.

Jack Bauer: So you are saying that everything is small about Dustin Pedroia?

Dustin: Yes, you are finally getting it. There is nothing big about me....hey, wait a minute!

Jack Bauer: Dustin, despite your accolades, isn’t it suspicious that you only hit .282 on the road with an OPS of .729, as compared to a .351 average at Fenway with an OPS of .912? Could it be that you really just need Fenway to make you a decent player?

Dustin: I’m a very good player no matter what the circumstances are. I’ve had to overcome the odds and numbers don’t show that. How come nobody questions Derek Jeter about stuff like that?

Jack Bauer: Probably because Jeter's OPS last year was essentially identical both on the road and at home. Jeter also happened to hit .310 on the road. Of course, it could also be because Joe Torre never called him a moron.

Dustin: Stop saying that! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Jack Bauer: Wow, you really are a moron.



Calling out Derek Jeter proved how moronic Dustin Pedroia truly is. Everybody knows that if you are going to call out a Yankee, A-Rod is the obvious target...