Red Sox-Yankees!!! 2008!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

You might remember some of this stuff from the summer. However, I'm going to change it up a bit. Y'all are in for a real treat! In the booth, we have Joe Morgan, Tim McCarver, and Peter Gammons! And of course...Smart Stat Guy in the Back.

In the top of the first inning
Joe Morgan: Alright, let's get underway! Red Sox-Yankees at Yankee Stadium! Doesn't get any better than this. Leading off is Dustin Pedroia to face Andy Pettitte.
Tim McCarver: I don't think anyone embodies attitude of the Red Sox more than Dustin Pedroia. He's a little man, but he's huge at heart. The little, big man. He literally scrapes and claws his way to success, just like the Red Sox always do. He's an everyman, just like the rest of the team and all of their loyal fans.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: (on the phone) Can I get the janitor in here right away? I just puked.
Joe Morgan: I couldn't agree with you more, Jon.
Tim McCarver: Tim.
Joe Morgan: Right. Thanks, Jon. What do you think, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Joe Morgan: My thoughts exactly, Peter.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Though it has been tough for Dustin, and the entire Red Sox team, since Jack Bauer, formerly of the Los Angeles CTU, was apparently bored with no terrorists to castrate and proceded to use the Green Monster and the John Hancock sign as bazooka target practice. The Red Sox have been forced to play in Yellowstone as their home field. The offense has suffered, particularly Dustin and his interstate batting and slugging average-
Joe Morgan: You be quiet! Anyway, here's the pitch...
(Pedroia loads up...his bat wrapped so far behind him it's over his front shoulder, then let's loose...with all his might...as Pettitte releases his cutter...)
Joe Morgan: And Dustin really gets a hold of one! Man, I didn't know such a little guy like him could have so much pop!
(It's a pop-up that A-Rod catches just in front of the Red Sox dugout.)
Bob Sheppard: (takes a swig of whiskey) Sorry, Dustin...those balls do not go out of play...at Yankee Stadium. And just to remind you...Fenway Park...is now gone. Sit down...you lilliputian...piece of shit.
(Pedroia cries for the first time, tonight.)

In the bottom of the first
Tim McCarver: Well, so far this inning. We've seen Damon flyout, Jeter double, and Abreu walk. You almost never see Josh Beckett in trouble. He's a tough man to fluster. He's got such a great fastball. He's got such a great beard. His hair is so well-kempt. He-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: has a huge penis...
Tim McCarver: How'd you know I was gonna say that?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Hunch...
Joe Morgan: Wow, our stat guy here is quite bulimic, wouldn't you agree, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: What and What?!
Peter Gammons: Rob Neyer's a meanie for not voting for Jim Rice!
Joe Morgan: Why you can read minds, right? That means you're bulimic. You see I have an extensive vocabulary. You see, I learned that...in a book. Here's the 2-0 pitch to A-Rod...
(A-Rod sends Beckett's fastball to Burnside Avenue.)
Tim McCarver: And man, did A-Rod show some bulimia there! Beckett practically told him what was coming!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: It's actually fun to watch 3 idiots call a game. For a little while, that is....
Josh Beckett: Maybe I shouldn't have spent my entire offseason eating full racks of ribs and drinking Milwaukee's Best...

In the bottom of the second inning
Joe Morgan: And it looks like Josh Beckett's night is done. He's given up a grand slam to Derek Jeter, a three run homer to Robinson Cano, a two run homer to Melky Cabrera, and then a solo shot by Johnny Damon in this inning alone.

In the bottom of the second inning (1 hour later)
Tim McCarver: Well, Francona's calling for Javier Lopez, the last pitcher in his bullpen, to try and finish this inning. Robinson Cano has already hit three home runs this inning, Derek Jeter and A-Rod both have two, and Shelley Duncan has hit one of his own as well since Beckett's been pulled. There really isn't much to be said except that-
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.

In the bottom of the second inning (2 hours later)
Joe Morgan: It looks like their right fielder is coming in to pitch. Who is that guy?
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: JD Drew.
Joe Morgan: I've never heard of him. He's on the Red Sox? I always thought the Red Sox were Papelbon, Schilling, Beckett, DiceK, Manny, Papi, Pedroia, Varitek, Papelbon, Nomar, Pedro, Papelbon, Damon, Manny, Pedroia, and Papi.
Peter Gammons: And Jim Rice.
Joe Morgan: Oh yeah, him too. And Papi.

In the bottom of the second inning (3 hours later)
Tim McCarver: There's a groundball to Pedroia...it might FINALLY be over! The poor Red Sox may have FINALLY overcome the great odds that are always stacked against them. Now watch Pedroia overcome such a detrimental lack of size as he fields that heavy, heavy five ounce ball. Uh oh, he's bobbling, no he's got it! Now, here comes the throw! Oh look at him wind up for that 35 foot throw! And he launches it!
(Throw shorthops Youkilis who cannot scoop it, Giambi has reached base. The Yankees score again. Pedroia cries for the second time, tonight.)

In the top of the fifth inning
Joe Morgan: Well here's Mike Lowell, hoping to break up Pettitte's perfect game. Mike Lowell may only be hitting .062, but he's still an amazing hitter. And he's clutch. You can hit .300 and be bad. But if you hit .062 and you're clutch, I'll take you anyday. Here's the pitch.
(Lowell makes contact. Translation: Lowell hits a lazy flyball to left field. Damon camps under it and makes the catch.)
Mike Lowell: Theo, this wasn't a part of our deal! I can't be expected to hit well in a ballpark of normal dimensions!
Dustin Pedroia: I know, right?! It's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrrrrrr!!!
(Dustin cries for the third time, tonight.)

In the bottom of the fifth
Joe Morgan: Well, it's looking like there will be no bottom of the fifth inning. They're calling the mercy rule! The Yankees are leading by 3,000 runs, so they get to win. That's cheating in my opinion, not giving the Red Sox a chance to overcome the odds. Don't you agree, Tim?
Tim McCarver: I totally agree, Joe. The poor Red Sox are being robbed of a win against the Evil Umpire Yankees. What's your take, Peter?
Peter Gammons: Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer.
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I disagree.
Peter Gammons: Why???? Because he doesn't have a great OPS??? Because his stats aren't good enough??? Because he wasn't consistently dominant for a long enough time???
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Ummmm...yeah.
Peter Gammons: You and Rob Neyer and...your stat stuff! I don't care that his career OPS is comparable to Ellis Burks! He was in the top 5 in MVP balloting 6 times!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: David Cone made the top 5 in Cy Young balloting 4 times and was 6th once. Is he a Hall of Famer?
Peter Gammons: No, never, no way. No chance in hell. His career ERA is only 3.46 and he only won 194 games in his career. He wasn't consistently dominant for long enough. His-
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: Stats aren't good enough? I thought you didn't care about stats?
Peter Gammons (stammering): Yeah, but...but...stats and OPS don't define Jimmy Ricecakes. He transcends all stats and numbers. He's a Hall of Famer. But he's never going to make it because of all you stat meanies! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smart Stat Guy in the Back: I'm outta here. Time to go find that hot bartender for some more free drinks. I'd take the electric chair over listening to 2 idiots and Jim Rice's boyfriend.