Getting hard-ons for the wrong people

The nostalgia orgasms that writers have this time of year when discussing Jack Morris's candidacy just kill B.A. every time. One of the latest periodical hard-ons belongs to Jon Heyman. Here's what this guy has to say about the great Jack Morris:

2. Jack Morris. The ace of three World Series teams, it's an abomination he may never get in. Morris made 14 Opening Day starts, tied with Steve Carlton, Randy Johnson, Walter Johnson and Cy Young, behind only Tom Seaver's 16 (the others already are or will be in Cooperstown). Also pitched the greatest game of the past 25 years, winning Game 7 of the 1991 World Series 1-0 in 10 innings against a young John Smoltz. The only two reasons I can think of for him not making it are: 1) he got hit hard his final couple years and finished with a 3.90 ERA, and 2) he was no charmer. Neither is a good enough reason to omit him. His impact was great.

An abomination? Really? First of all, in my opinion, the ace of a staff is the guy who was clearly better than everyone else in the rotation. So, no, Jack Morris was NOT the ace of 3 World Series Championship teams. Dan Petry had just as good if not a better season than Jack Morris did on the 1984 Tigers.

Jack Morris (1984)
240.1 innings pitched
1.282 WHIP
109 ERA+
148 K
87 BB

Dan Petry (1984)
233.3 innings pitched
1.273 WHIP
121 ERA+
144 K
66 BB

He didn't have the best season on the 1991 Twins, either. Kevin Tapani put up a 143 ERA+ and a 1.086 WHIP. To be fair, he probably just got very lucky that year, as he never had another season like it, and was not overpowering at all. However, Morris had been a below average pitcher every season since 1987 leading up to 1991, so Morris very well could have gotten lucky, too. In 1992, he wasn't even close to being the best pitcher in his rotation. Jimmy Key was. ERA+ of 116 versus 102, WHIP of 1.218 versus 1.255.

But, that shit doesn't matter. Because Morris was clutch...he was an amazing postseason force. God forbid Jack Morris was the opposing pitcher in a postseason game...

Jack Morris (postseason)
92.1 innings pitched
3.80 ERA (3.90 career regular season)
1.246 WHIP (1.296 career regular season)

Just because he was the guy that started in that amazing 1-0 win in Game 7 of the 1991 World Series doesn't mean he should get a ticket into Cooperstown. Should Bobby Jones be a Hall of Famer because of his 1-hitter against the Giants in 2000? Or how about we give Jeff Weaver a plaque for his 2006 postseason?

I exaggerate, but you see the point. Morris was a pretty good pitcher for a number of years, but he was not dominant and like it or not bad seasons count, too. As do the postseason games in which he pitched badly (see 1987 ALCS Game 2).

Funny I mention that game. The guy who beat him in that game unfortunately just doesn't get Heyman wet.

I still am unconvinced that he [Blyleven] deserves enshrinement. But I do think he deserves an explanation.

Blyleven did some great things in his career, and he pitched a lot of dominating games. Yet he never had a truly dominating season. He threw 60 shutouts -- but won 20 games only once in an era when 20-game winners weren't nearly so rare as they are today.

1973: 158 ERA+, 1.117 WHIP
1974: 142 ERA+, 1.142 WHIP
1977: 151 ERA+, 1.065 WHIP
1984: 144 ERA+, 1.135 WHIP
1989: 140 ERA+, 1.116 WHIP

Times in Top 5 for ERA+: 6
Times in Top 5 for WHIP: 7
Times in Top 5 for K/9 IP: 9

Times Jack Morris has had a season equal to or better than years listed above: 0

Bert was no match for Jacky-boy in the postseason though...

Bert Blyleven (postseason)
47.1 innings pitched
2.47 ERA
1.078 WHIP

But really, "he was rarely among the ultra-elite in his 22-year career."

Seriously, this is like getting a hard-on for Julia Roberts wearing a maternity outfit, but just nodding and turning away from Jessica Alba naked. One is clearly way better than the other, but you go for the lesser chick...and yet the reasons for which you claim to like her more are reasons the other chick is better. This must be Jon Heyman logic. I guess in 2006 Barry Zito gave him a banana crotch but Brandon Webb made him soft.

Providing Isiah Thomas with the support he deserves

Jack Bauer and I were present at tonight's disaster at the world's most famous arena and contributed to the euphonious "FIRE ISIAH!!!" chants that erupted relentlessly throughout the entire 4th quarter. However, I felt slightly bad at how poor little Isiah was getting his feelings hurt, so I decided to try and make some small talk from section 310.

"Hey Isiah! Harass any women lately?!"

Douchebag didn't bother to dignify that with an answer. Fag.

And so far he hasn't taken Jack Bauer's advice either...

"Hey Isiah! Get Keith Van Horn back!!!!"

Jack Bauer was actually supporting Isiah, with votes of confidence such as "YOU RULE ISIAH!!!" Having felt some compassion for the sexual harasser/proud owner of the quote "If Larry Bird were black, he'd just be another good guy"/guy who doesn't think it's as bad for black people to call women "bitches", I decided to vouch for Isiah to Jimmy D by exclaiming "GIVE HIM AN EXTENSION!!!"

If Knick tickets weren't so fucking expensive, I'd be doing this every home game. Seriously, this is almost as fun as it would have been to be at the LJ 4 pt play game or "the dunk" game courtesy of John Starks. We need him back. Starks is amazing. He is Zeus's bitch. His penis is more powerful than a tactical nuclear weapon. Just like David Lee.

Jack Bauer: Did somebody say David Lee?
B.A. Baracus: Jack, calm down...don't you have the whole Tony Almeida being alive to worry about this season?
Jack Bauer: Don't you have to whole being unemployed and making no money since the A-Team went off the air 20 years ago thing to worry about?
B.A. Baracus: ..........touche!

Anyway, please, continue what we started tonight. Give Isiah our support...by asking how his sex life is going? Get his mind off basketball. Ask him how his bitches are doing. Tell him to remind us about how tough it was to grow up on the streets of Chicago. Ask him about how Game 5 of the '87 Eastern Conference finals turned out or what he thinks of Larry Bird. Most of all, show him that you care about him.......getting his motherfucking ass fired.

Oh, and James Dolan's band sucks. True story.

B.A.'s gonna have to choke a bitch

"According to multiple reports, the Yankees will go forward by offering right-hander Phil Hughes to Minnesota in a possible deal, hoping to bring Santana to the Bronx and give New York the true No. 1 pitcher it covets."

What...the fuck....ARE YOU IDIOTS THINKING???

How many times am I going to have to tell this to people or write about this? WE DO NOT FUCKING NEED JOHAN SANTANA BADLY ENOUGH TO GIVE UP PHIL HUGHES AND MELKY CABRERA.

Phil Hughes is going to be an excellent pitcher. He was forced to work with less than his best stuff for a lot of the year and really learned how to pitch. It paid off by the end of the year as he had a 2.73 ERA, 1.18 WHIP in 30 innings in September, as well as a very good series against the Indians, allowing just one run in 6 innings with 6 strikeouts. He has a great fastball which touches 93-95 and looks even faster, fantastic 12-to-6 curve, and an above average changeup. He has great stuff. He showed it in the minors, and he showed he can do it in the big leagues, too. And he only turned 21 this past June. Johan Santana is 8 years older than Hughes, has a lot of mileage on his arm, and could very well not be able to throw the number of innings he has in the past. And we're going to have to pay him $25 mil/year to do so while giving up valuable pieces to what could be an excellent Yankees team with great staying power in maybe as little as 2 seasons.

I've already proven that Melky Cabrera is much more valuable to the Yankees than a Torii Hunter or Aaron Rowand. Young, great arm, plays a good center field, good contact hitter with effective leadoff hitter potential over old, overrated defense, and career years in walk years. Although it would not cost money, Johnny Damon being put back in center and Hideki Matsui playing left field everyday sucks like Sex and the City. Although his zone rating was good last year in center (.928), Damon's just too old and fragile to handle the position anymore. Not to mention his arm just absolutely blows impotent cock like Sex and the City actresses with the pun most certainly intended and is meant for left field. All of this can basically be said about Matsui, also. His knees are question marks and will be better off getting lots of time at DH.

There is no need to make a huge splash with Santana...for now. Get him in free agency or in a trade deadline deal.

Why do I have to be a fugitive? I should be runnin' the Yanks, foo!