Sunday, March 9, 2008

Douggy Bombs' Inadvertent Greatest Clean Anti New England Rant Ever

No Douggy F-Bombs didn't give up cursing for Lent...

He didn't give up anything for Lent...

He's just being careful, because he knows that kids are in the audience, and by not cursing, he can become a positive role model. And what more positive role model for your kids than Doug Mientkiewicz?

Even though he is horrendously saddened that he is now no longer a New York Yankee, Douggy is happy to report that he is happily a Pittsburgh Pirate of the Caribbean and vows to set sail with one intention: Break the Curse of the Green Monster and hit Mike Lowell with his own knee...


Anyway, here's the rant, with some input from some of Douggy's friends. Background info is Douggy was trying to get something from someone (peacefully, because we all know he could have used lethal force to get it, but Douggy is being diplomatic these days in accordance with the Role Model thing...):

It starts when someone else claims to hate New England more than Bombs. GASPSPSPSPSPS!!! OH NOES!!! TEH WHO CUOLD SAY SUHCH LIEIEIESSSS!!!!

Person #1: excuse me, i object. you and i are AT LEAST equal on the new england hate.

Douggy: ah, but i hate ALL THINGS new hate the people and the sports teams and the gayness. i hate EVERYTHING. i hate all that. i hate the weather. i hate the lack of things to do. i hate the way it's always windy rainy snowy, or a combination of 2 or 3 of the above at all times. i hate New England Accents. I hate New England TV. I hate the way that 95% of people in New England are cheap bastards. I hate the way the transportation doesn't run late nights, everything closes by 1, and transportation stops around dinner time on sundays. The way that there is one subway in 6 states. The way that it takes 2 hours to go by bus somewhere it would take 40 minutes in NYC. The way that I can't get a decent pizza, or the lady in the deli looks at me funny when I say I want sandwich fixins on a BAGEL instead of the usual "cream cheese or butter". The way that everyone here is in your face and obnoxious. The way that no one has any personality in this god forsaken region so that the only things they can find to do is get drunk and drive, and wrap themselves around trees, and expect people to have sympathy for them after. The way everyone is the same. The way NOTHING is open on sunday. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE ALL THINGS NEW ENGLAND, and I am deliberately keeping htis clean, and believe me still waters run deep and this runs A LOT DEEPER than anyone here could ever know. I'd ship off to Seattle in a heartbeat and deal with the rainy depression and "increased suicide rates" there WAY before I ever consented to go back to NEW ENGLAND for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. hope i scratched the surface there a bit for ya...

Person #1: i hate all those things too...except i never lived there. so i guess you DO have me beat.. but ONLY because you live there.

Douggy: yup its so much worse once youve been here...these peoples lives are so devoid of any real human interaction, creativity and enjoyment that there sports teams really DO give them meaning...and thats just fucking (woops) pathetic...

Person #1: i've visited.. mostly boston and rhode island. yes i was sickened by everything there.

Person #2: wait doug i assume u grew up in new york? and i agree especially with the cheap part. im a prime example. as is my mother and 95% of the town in which i grew up in. they wont pay an extra 2 dollars on grocires but they will drop 40k on a mercedes.

Note: Doug NOES he was born in Toledo, OH; but for the purposes of real life, he grew up in the mean streets of Kingsbridge in the Bronx. Don't f...fool around with BOMBS. Actually FUCK it, the kids went to bed. And Douggy's such a role model y'all should be cursin' too...

Douggy: BINGO!!! they will fucking drive 15 miles out of the way and incur an additional $5 of gas expenses just to save 31c on a fucking 6 pack of Chef Boyardee. and yes i grew up in NY...give me my late night pizzas, grocery stores/delis that are allowed to serve alcohol, variety of bars/restaurants, public places to actually do things, night life, day life, 4am train rides home, and i'll GLADLY put up with homeless people shaking their cup at me while pretending i can't see them, the smells, the monday morning piles of trash stacked high, and the england has no CHARACTER...everything i described above, good and bad, has CHARACTER. new england is a sterile "pretend everything is perfect" little dream world that really isn't anything close to what its cracked up to be. its fucking miserable here, and the only thing anyone can think of to do is go to the SAME place every weekend.

Douggy: there's different ways to party than:
6PM liquor store run aka "packy run"
8PM pregame
10PM go out to the same bar you've been going every time for 4 years
1AM bar closes, find a house party where you know maybe 5 people and get drunker there
3AM return to room
3:30AM order pizza from the same shithole that can't make pizza and is the only place in town somehow still open (hint: because they make most of their money off college students by using cheap ingredients to make bad pizza and charging "discount" prices to drunk college students which are really only indicative of how bad the pizza is, and cuz the kids are drunk they get away with it)
4AM pass out
1PM wake up with a hangover, brag to all your friends how you drank "20 shots" last night, pretend you don't have a hangover, pretend you can't remember anything from last night (execept remembering that you "had 20 shots" of course), and talk about how you're going to "get after it" again tonight...FUCKING BORING. come up with something new. there is more than one way to party and / or have fun, and these fuckfaggots haven't figured it out yet (see pic for a typical New England weekend)...NY 4 LIFE.

Person #3: "they will fucking drive 15 miles out of the way and incur an additional $5 of gas expenses just to save 31c on a fucking 6 pack of Chef Boyardee" hahhhahahahahaha!

Person #2: LOL LOL LOL. OMG. u hit every gripe i have with new england. omg my hometown nothing is open past 11. LOL. i love ur night description too. and my mom literally does that. she drives an extra 10 miles up I-84 to get her grocires in brookfield cause in ridgefield everything is expensive. unfortunately im getting a state certification. not a national cert so most likely im stuck here for life. its damn true. sadly.

Person #4: new england has 1 good thing... thats me as i have lived there all my life. I hate Mass and NH and VT. i do love CT though

Note: Person #4 is right. Douggy Bombs was not born or raised in New England... So looks like just the "1 good thing"...and CT is mostly Yankee fans, so we'll cut them a break. We'll annex them into New York as "New York East", not to be confused with "East New York"

Douggy (making a rare concession): parts of CT are OK, and the parts of VT that feature skiing are iite too...but the rest SUCKS harder then jenna jameson in a room full of dyson's

Person #5: ik a couple kids from mass. here at school one of whom's last name is Fitzgerald I see em out usually and you have to deal wth "Hey Fitzy get ah load ah dis guy he looks wicked fuckin retahded

Douggy: ah yes our old new england bruddah-hood. fitzy, sully, Chaz, and Steve-O...yeesh...damn new england


and thx to this PICK-TCHUR so did their sports teams...

Douggy appears here (bottom right). Also appearing is Jack Bauer, middle left, because with no CTU and no season 7 (yet), he actually had some free time. Unfortunately B.A. Baracus was too busy signing autographs, pitying foo's, and upgrading his jewelry to partake in the PWNAGE in the picture, but that's OK, because just like everyone else, B.A. gets two weeks vacation every year. The third person in the picture, top center, is one of Doug Mientkiewicz's biggest fans, who singlehandedly spread the rumors of Doug's ridiculous woman sexing, home run hitting, and gold glove winning to New York City. However, this individual has asked to remain nameless, and so the folks at PWNAGE will comply with this request.

What a beautiful picture, no homo.

Survey says New England is a bunch of

1 comment:

Jack Bauer said...

beautiful pic indeed