Monday, May 7, 2007

Jerry Davis Is a Fat Fucking Douche Bag (aka Baseball Needs Instant Replay)

Standing on first base tonight, I pretty much had a bird's eye view of that fat choad Jerry Davis fucking me and my teammates over tonight. It was pretty unacceptable. Here's the story:

In the 8th inning, we're leading by one run, with my good friend Matt Desalvo in line for his first MLB win after 7 incredible innings. Jose Vidro of the Mariners reaches with an infield hit and is pinch run for. The pinch runner, Willie Bloomquist, breaks for second, and Jorge Posada throws him out - by five feet. Clearly. And Jerry Fucking Davis calls him safe. The inning continues, and Kenji Johjima hits a popup to right field that I can't get and that falls in front of Bobby Abreu, and Bloomquist scores. Tie game. Now Matt can't win the game, and that fat cocksucker Davis has blown the lead for us. We don't score in the 8th inning, but then with 2 out in the top of the 9th, Adrian Beltre, who wouldn't even have been batting had FuckFace Davis gotten the call right, hits a go ahead home run, and go figure, we don't tie or win in the 9th. So basically we lost because of Jerry Fucking Davis. He must have been eating a donut or sucking a dick on the mound, because to Douggy Bombs that call was as obvious as saying "no" to the fat chick who asks you to prom. Anyway, it also brought up the question of instant replay in baseball, so Douggy's gonna throw out his big idea, and then field grounders from critics and you fuckers to defend his position (which he is very good at cuz Douggy has more Gold Gloves than the Tooth Fairy has Teeth).

Instant replay. Douggy has always liked football, so instant replay should be like in football. Each manager can "challenge" one call a game, and he keeps the right to "challenge" if he is proven correct by replay, otherwise he loses it. Calls up for challenge would include:

-Fair or Foul - On line drives down the lines, or grounders up the lines. On disputed home runs, to see if the ball crossed behind the pole (or nicked it), or if the ball missed the pole and was indeed a foul ball

-Home Run or Ball in Play - To determine if the ball actually left the park and came back, or if it never left the field of play. Very relevant in ballparks that utilize yellow "lines" to mark home runs like Arizona and Houston.

-Safe or Out - Only on TAG plays at bases. Evidence would need to be conclusive to overturn the field umpire's ruling (kind of like tonight, Jerry Davis, you fat fucking piece of shit).

-Catch or Trap - To determine if a ball was caught or trapped by an infielder/outfielder. In the event of an incorrect call, the batter would be awarded a single if Catch is changed to Trap, and all baserunners would move up one base. If the call were changed from Trap to Catch, all baserunners would be returned to their original bases and the batter called out. However, any runners who were tagging when the ball was Caught and advanced when it was ruled a Trap would be allowed to advance if the Trap call were overturned to a Catch, and the batter would be credited with a Sac Fly and an RBI if one of those runners scored.

Note that left off this list is Ball or Strike, HBP or Not HBP, Interference or Not Interference, Safe or Out (Force Plays), Balk or Not Balk, and Foul Ball or Swing and Miss (Dropped by Catcher). Douggy Bombs feels these are judgment calls and that replay is not appropriate as these calls are too close to make via video.

Now, the haters:

"It will make the game longer" - Not that many calls in baseball need to be reviewed. They're actually pretty rare. Aside from when that devourer of semen, Jerry Davis, is umpiring, instant replay would hardly be needed because most umpires are not Smoking Dick as they call the game. Shut the fuck up, hater. It will actually make the game better.

"It will be like the NHL Playoffs" -Only if they get the calls wrong. Douggy Bombs is actually a huge Rangers fan, and he was pissed about that shit. Jerry Davis must have been the one making that call in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Quarterfinals. I heard he was giving his "BF" a blow job up in Toronto when the replay was being shown, which is why he got the call wrong. And besides, the NHL Playoffs are fucking amazing. MLB could only HOPE its May games are as exciting.

"It will undermine the reputation of MLB Umpires" -Douggy is laughing so hard right now! This was undermined YEARS ago. Questec, the Ryan Howard home run last year, please. Hater, this is not even worth responding to.

"It will lead to challenges of calls that shouldn't be challenged" -That is why challenges are limited to the above issues. Secondly, that is why only ONE challenge would be granted per team per game - so that teams will not "waste" challenges and time on calls that they do not think they have a reasonably certain chance to overturn.

"It will lead to disparities from crew to crew if different 'video umpires' are assigned to different games" -If umpires aren't capable of getting the call right in games when they are standing 5 feet away, what makes you think they'll get it right watching a replay with 57 different angles at 5 frames per second? Send everything straight central to MLB and let the head office establish a division to do it. Then there is ZERO chance of Jerry Blumpkin Davis getting to be a video umpire, and the same office will be doing all the calls.

Anyone else got a grounder for Douggy? I'm ready to pounce...

2 comments:

B.A. Baracus said...

Not that often that one call like that can totally change the outcome of the ballgame. Posada was fucking fuming when he got back to the dugout and was glaring out at Davis. Next time Davis is behind the plate, Posada should let a few Farnsworth fastballs get past him and into that fat fuck Davis's gut.

Jack Bauer said...

fucking Jerry Davis...