Thursday, May 3, 2007

Five and Fly: GM says ChiSox will be fine (But Douggy Bombs says "Nuh Uh")

By Tim Brown, with some italicized insights from Douggy Bombs himself

Good news out of Chicago.
-The Cubs stopped sucking?

Kenny Williams isn't the least bit worried.
-Stop the presses. This is good news indeed.

"It'll pass," Williams said from his Southside office Wednesday afternoon. "We'll be just fine."
A couple hours later, the
Chicago White Sox scored two more runs in Seattle, from a lineup in which Darin Erstad's .258 batting average was easily the highest, and lost another ballgame.
-Sounds like they're doing fine. They scored an impressive two runs, and Darin Erstad is their leading hitter. What more could a GM ask for? You'd be greedy if you asked for THREE runs...

Jermaine Dye hit a solo home run in the second inning, Paul Konerko soloed in the fourth, and Jim Thome served another 24 hours on the disabled list, alongside Scott Podsednik.
-So all that noise, and they scored two measly runs. Could've scored just as many on an RBI groundout and an error. PS, their best hitter is still on the DL. Why the light hitting Podsednik is even mentioned in this segment is beyond me, because I didn't know we were talking about pinch runners.

And Mariners' starter Miguel Batista lowered his ERA by more than a run, to 6.30, with 7 1/3 taut innings.
-So they got dominated by Miguel Batista, and there's reason to hope here? What am I missing?

A little more than a month in, the White Sox are a game under .500, aren't reaching base enough and aren't manufacturing runs.
-You can't "manufacture runs" if no one's on base. That's like saying you're going to make a sweatshirt, but all you have to work with is two screws and some Elmer's Glue.

Their issue – if there was to be one – was going to be the pitching, but they've just hit another offensive dry spell, scoring six runs in a four-game losing streak in which their pitchers allowed a reasonable 16.
Asked if there might be something – anything – he could do to aid his lineup, Williams chuckled and said, "No, I was a .220 career hitter."
-At least he still has a sense of humor about it. Let's hope the rest of the South Side is as free spirited and hilarious as their zany and comedic general manager. The only thing funnier than Williams's comment is Brian Anderson's batting average.

(Actually, it was .218, which was better than the season average of six of the guys in his lineup Wednesday.)
-Thanks, stats.

"I don't know that there are too many upgradeable parts out there that are better than what we've already got," he said.
-Upgradeable parts? There are plenty. Trading Juan Uribe for anybody would be worthwhile. And everyone knew Joe Crede only had a career year because last year was his walk year. Jermaine Dye? Never repeating 2006 again. And AJ Pierzynski is horrible. I think that what Williams means is that these parts are "non-upgradeable" because no other GM in baseball is stupid enough to want Joe Crede, or Uribe and friends in exchange for a decent player.

He's right, of course. Impact hitters don't often come available in early May, even if Williams believed he needed one.
-Williams really is quite a funny guy. His team is hitting .001 on the season, and to paraphrase, he "doesn't think he needs an impact hitter." Get this guy on Leno.

Mercifully, they just sent out outfielder Brian Anderson, a good kid with good baseball perspective who nevertheless hit .216 in 160 big-league games over parts of three seasons, and promoted Ryan Sweeney, who joined right in and was hitless in his first five at-bats this week.
-Great. So Brian Anderson is a good kid. Obviously being a nice person will help him on the ballfield. Nothing like the jump in batting average that accompanies a smile when you are thrown out at first base. Oh wait, still hitting .000, never mind. And good baseball perspective? If Anderson had good baseball perspective, he'd realize he sucks at hitting and either 1) try and become a pitcher, or 2) learn to hit. He could also 3) just become a really nice guy and good kid so that sportswriters will have pity on him and speak of his character and "good baseball perspective."

Thome will get healthy and the White Sox will hit.
-Douggy Bombs's correction: Thome will get healthy, and Thome will hit.

Home runs by Dye and Konerko were at least promising, if not enough to beat the Mariners.
-This is mental help shit. Two solo homers = two runs = YOU LOSE. We're really reaching for a silver lining now.

They'll put more runners on base, so that their next 32 home runs will produce more – in the ways of runs and wins – than their first 32.
-Juan Uribe, AJ Pierzynski, Joe Crede, Tadahito Iguchi, Scott Podsednik, and Darin Erstad are - now read this part carefully - NOT going to get on base much more often. If 32 home runs yielded, let's say, 75 runs, the next 32 will yield 80 runs. Too bad it will take the White Sox another 25 games to do just that = just over 3 runs a game = lots of losses.

Presumably, they won't spend much more time with so many batting averages bunched in the low .200's, and on-base percentages in the high .200's.
-No, these averages will self correct and return to their normal levels in the .240's, with OBP's hovering right around .300. A minor, but inconsequential improvement. Also notice the inclusion of the word "presumably" and the phrase "much more time." It's as if the author realizes he needs to leave himself an escape clause because the White Sox will continue to suck. In fact, the only reason he wrote this article is because that nice guy and good kid Brian Anderson plays for the White Sox, and he wanted to add some positive spin on his buddy's team.

"We're fine," Williams said again. "I'm optimistic because, No. 1, our pitchers are strong again, our starting pitchers are strong again. If our worst problem right now is hitting, we're going to be all right."
-There are two sides to baseball: Offense and Defense. Defense includes pitching. So basically what this comedian Kenny Williams has just said is that, "It's better that one half of our team sucks than if the other half were sucking. If our problem is that the first half of our team sucks, instead of the second half, we're going to be all right." Truly hilarious, every second of it.

3 comments:

B.A. Baracus said...

But you just wait for Podsednik to get back when he brings his brand of exciting baseball!!! Aren't guys with a career 89 OPS+ that try to steal a lot and fail 25% of the time exciting?!

Jack Bauer said...

Guys like Podsednik are invaluable to baseball teams...fantasy baseball teams

Douggy Bombs said...

Hey you have to give podsednik credit for SOMETHING...he's arguably the only white player in the game who can bring fans to their feet with his exciting brand of small ball which = lots of triples, fast running, slides, close plays at the various bases, and many bang-bang steal attempts. There is no more exciting moment in the game of baseball than when Scott Podsednik is ON BASE and everyone in the ballpark is standing and cheering, knowing that every pitch could be the one...that he attempts to steal on. Of course, this only happens about twice a year, since Podsednik is rarely, if ever, on base.